How do I rectify my situation with my female best friend?

[RubenShirley08]

*The last post was so long that I deleted it and tried to simplify as much as I can in this one.

 

Over the past 2 years I developed a very close relationship with a female fellow band member - we talked almost every day, hung out together, went out together every weekend, etc. . During this time she opened up to me and told me all about her problems with her boyfriend, and family, etc. And trusted me with her deepest, darkest secrets, and vice versa, and has stated that we've become so close it's "almost scary." People have always seen us as a pair, some have seen us as a couple. We go many places together.

 

A few months ago, we had a big argument over really nothing, I apologized because I acknowledged that everything was my fault, and I'd do anything to not lose our friendship, and she told me that it was all o.k. and all was forgiven, and I believe her. However, as time has passed she has become more and more withdrawn, will not share anything personal anymore, will not return phone calls or emails and doesn't want to do anything together anymore. That one argument we had forced us in taking a 2 month hiatus from each other, and she stated that she wouldn't talk to me until she was ready, and despite that, she's still withdrawing from me.

 

We recently started hanging out again, but every time we hang out, we'd argue over something I did, or we'd argue about that initial argument we had. She won't even call me as usual anymore. I am heartbroken over this. I have other great, wonderful friends, but she is the only person I've ever spent so much time with, and she's the only girl I'm having deep feelings for, and now I feel like part of me is missing. She was the one friend I could be completely honest with and she helped me overcome some major personal obstacles (granted that she was always the blunt one, and I was the quiet one) and now I feel abandoned and thrown out.

 

Part of me wants to keep doing what I always did as far as keeping her close to my heart, and continue to avoid talking to her, but the other part just wants me to end our long friendship completely, because the more arguments we have, the more anger, sadness, and love I feel for her.

 

I have 2 months left before I transfer to my new school, and she's barely going to be a senior in high school (age gap there), so how I can rectify this?

[RedDress]

What did you argue about? It seems like there is still a major unresolved issue for her. While YOU may think it's nothing... it clearly isn't to her...

 

That info would really help.

[RubenShirley08]

I snapped one day during my final semester of my two year college (around March), because I was constantly under pressure from the classes I was taking (Chem, A&P, Geo), and I snapped at her when she called me, asking for a favor. We didn't talk that entire day, and so many things went wrong that I was completely consumed by anger that I wrote a long note to her explaining the reasons why I love her, and hate her, but some things slipped out on paper that shouldn't have been written (wasn't horrible or anything), and finally, I wrote down that I don't want her texting, or calling me for a while.

 

I had felt so bad during that whole week that I came over a week later to apologize, she claims that she forgave me easily, but the friendship was damaged, and wouldn't talk to me until she was ready (which is when we took that 2 month hiatus from each other).

 

I also went to her other friends (who are also my friends) for advice on how to reconcile things with her, one of them volunteered to talk to her for me, because she had that same situation with her, but my best friend took it out of context, thinking that I was talking bad about her behind her back--the last thing I would do.

 

And she knows that the tension between us is all my fault, but WOULD NOT let me apologize anymore. It seems like she's taking my apologetic advances out of context.

 

She states that I'm still her best friend, but still won't communicate with me as often as she used to. I hope that helps somewhat, I'm curious as to whether I really did cause this much damage...

[catfeeder]

The problem with speaking things you regret is that you can never take them back, but you can always hope that memory of them will fade in time. The problem with writing things you regret is that you can never take them back, they wound deeper and last longer and they are forever out of your control from that point forward. There's not a thing you can do about that but apologize--once, then back off and allow the one you've offended to call the shots.

 

Go into patience-mode, stop talking to friends about her, and don't stir up trouble because your feelings are hurt and things don't feel the same. It's not going to be the same for a very long time--and if you keep fighting with the girl, forget it, you'll just keep making things worse until you've turned yourself into history.

 

She cares enough to want to forgive you, and she gave you fair warning that the process for her will take as long as it takes. Every poke you stick into that mess will only stir it up and revive the toxins, so quit that and pipe down. Given that your temper caused this much harm with someone you care about, I'd consider going Zen, taking counseling, anger management, martial arts--anything you need to do to grow into self-control. Meanwhile, live your life. Stay quiet, lie low, trust that time heals, and use the time wisely to become the guy you can be proud of.

[RedDress]

I wrote a long note to her explaining the reasons why I love her, and hate her, but some things slipped out on paper that shouldn't have been written (wasn't horrible or anything), and finally, I wrote down that I don't want her texting, or calling me for a while.

 

Whatever words you used clearly cut her like a knife. While she forgives you lashing out at her in anger, you can't take back what you said and she probably knows that there is some truth to it. To top it all off, you asked her to back off and not text or call you.

 

I disagree with the poster above in terms of how to deal with it. She asked for space. You gave her space. It's been a few months now... now is time for her to get over it.

 

I don't think that she's going to come to you or start calling or texting you again on a regular basis ever (I wouldn't... I know what you hate about me now!). You've changed the dynamics of your relationship forever.

 

If you want that closeness again, you have to persue it now. You have to go after her. You have to call her and text her a lot. You have to let her lash out at you, if need be. You have to prove to her that those things you said don't matter, that her relationship with you is what is important to you and what matters.

 

... at least... that's what I get from it. She sounds passive-aggressive.

[RubenShirley08]

Things are very unsure between us right now actually. Our relationship downgraded from being best friends to being "really close" friends, and things just get more confusing.

 

We hung out a few weeks ago and drove to the drive-in theatre, and things were bliss the entire time. I drove her home at about 4 a.m., and I just parked in her driveway and we talked for an hour or so (casual talk), when I got home (5 a.m.), I couldn't help but feel that things were not going to get better, they didn't. She wanted help getting a passport ASAP so she could visit her father in California, and I coughed up around 300 bucks to help her (which came from my savings so I can help with living expenses at my apartment in the city I'm going to college to this August)...which only resulted in her passport getting denied, and seeing as how she has no job, it aggravated me, but I never told her that, and I just decided to not talk to her for a while...again.

 

We haven't talked since, and any occasional texts we send each other, we never reply. I would used to be clingy to her, and I wouldn't be able to stand not seeing her for one day, but it's been almost a month, and honestly I'm doing just fine without her.

 

When I look back at our friendship, I found that I was the clingy one, and she was always a bit manipulative (not sure if it was intentional or not though), but no doubt we had great times together. Now, we haven't seen each other since, and I've come to the point that while I absolutely love her, I also hate her as well, to the point that her calling, texting, or IM'ing me will ruin my day, simply because that she'll only talk to me when she needs something, never to say hi. I also hear rumors of her going on spending my 300 bucks I used to help her with her passport, which only made me pity her even more.

 

So basically, we're in silent mode for a while until one of us actually establishes contact again, which I doubt will happen soon, and our birthdays are coming up.

 

Any input on this?