Suddenly replaced

[Replaced]

Hi,

 

I share my story with you because until I found this forum and especially thread about Grass is Greener syndrome I thought that such brake-ups happen very rarely. However I am not sure, whether it is just a regular brake-up (divorce), because of the "emotional" affair or is it actually a result of G.I.G.S.

 

Two months ago I (27 years) had a safe, happy marriage (almost 1 year) and reliable beautiful wife (25 years). We were together for 4 years (I was her first real boyfriend) before we decided to get married. It was not uncommon for her to become depressed from time to time. She frequently said that she doesn't like her body. She is extremely beautiful (not just my opinion). I was constantly telling her the opposite, how beautiful she is on the outside and especially on the inside and that she has to feel her body...

 

Three months ago I noticed that my wife has suddenly changed. Her attitude and behavior towards me and her parents changed. She became annoyed and defensive for no particular reason. She also became depressed – I thought it was because of her recent exams (postgraduate study). Needless to say, that I supported her and put every minute of my time into relationship and fulfilling her needs. We were intimate, kissed as usual, hug and held each other… She even told me that with every day she loved me more…

 

Than finally I asked her why is she still depressed even after she passed the exams. The answer was – “I don’t know”. But this depression seemed to me a bit different than her previous depressions. She started to work extra hours (red flag, but I thought she has to compensate for being absent from work because of studying) and became distant.

 

I asked her again - what is wrong (she never liked the “what is wrong” questions, because her mother used to press her with such questions when she was young. Her mother used to be very invasive, so I chose the opposite - to give her freedom and safe environment to tell me what is wrong when she wanted to). She told me that “we” have emotionally detached and that she doesn’t know what she wants, that she is not happy, that she is not being herself, that she doesn’t see us together, that she needs to be alone, free and that she wish to experience life, meet people, party and have fun (she was never a party girl. She was quite the opposite - very hard studying, serious, mature, very religious person and I never held her back, I even encouraged her to go out with her friends).

 

Few days later I questioned her again, because I could feel the tension growing. She confessed that she has feelings for a coworker. He is 29 years old, has a two year old daughter, not married (probably separated) and has an extra apartment. He doesn’t share any of her beliefs (not much of a moral / religious person if he is hitting on a married woman), however he is authoritative, egocentric, very communicative, likes to hang out and party (total opposite of me). She told me that they think alike and that he is a good person. Finally she told me that they held hands and that they even kissed. This hurt like hell.

 

Now how can those two answers fit together – being alone and kissing a coworker? I gave her time to think on this life decision. She moved to her parents’ house for a few days. We went to marriage counselor once, but it was of no use, she said that this would have happened sooner or later, if not with him then with someone else. There was no remorse whatsoever. Of course she kept “seeing” him, so we divorced.

 

I am torturing myself with questions like what is wrong with me, what have I done wrong to make her go. What did I miss, why she changed so suddenly, why didn’t she try to save our marriage? Why did she marry in the first place? No answers.

My flaws that I discovered so far were: I built our relationship on compromise, not authority, I was being too dependant, I was not as much fun and talkative, and - due to lack of her time (study) accompanied with her sleep deprivation - sexually intimate with her only about once a week (I would much rather hold her hand, kiss, hug and comfort her).

 

It is my belief that there are a number of people we could live and grow old with (more soul-mates), so I let her go to find her true happiness and fulfillment in life. If she thinks that he is more suitable for what she needs, than she is free to go. There is no use to hold back a person who doesn’t want to be with you anymore, although you can sense that it is not going to work out with him. But on the other hand - you never know if it is just G.I.G.S or a real soul-mate connection between two people. Anyhow, the result is the same - brake-up.

 

Now my question is - what do you think? Is this G.I.G.S. or a regular divorce because of me not fulfilling all her needs?

[dancingcolors]

I don't know what G.I.G.S is but I would stop blaming yourself. It sounds like you are a great guy who truly loved his wife, and it is her problem. Self examination is good, but don't beat yourself up. You don't deserve that.

I think she means to be alone, so she can see the co-worker.

I just went thru a similiar thing. it was only a 2 year relationship, but the same symptoms, and then he tells me he is with someone else, who is his co-worker. Ir isn't my fault either, although in the beginning I blamed myself.

It is their fault, for being cheaters and not being able to truly love.

So sorry you have to go through this.

[Little lady]

So sorry you have to go through this, but it happens to the best of us. The only thing we can do is firstly forgive ourselves for it wasn't our fault they were dishonest and cheating. We need to acknowledge what we did to contribute to the downfall of the relationship even just small things and notice that and fix them for our next relationship. We must acknowledge that they hurt us, and we are upset at them. But take this in don't ignore it..because if you do it will just come back. So deal with these emotions and once you do forgive your spouse because harboring anger is only going to take more energy out of you than it should.

 

 

I'm going through the same thing and I know exactly how you're feeling. We weren't married but we were together for 5 years and you know it is their fault for doing this to us and I forgive her but I will not forget the pain she has put me through.

 

So now we know...it's a hard thing to know but now we know. That when people start growing distant, thinking they are unhappy, all this 'i don't know' crap it really means there is someone else and to have an honest conversation and pull anchor and move on.

 

I don't know what causes people to change like this it could be The Grass is Greener Syndrome or all types of things. Maybe they are suited for each other but it wasn't right in the way she handled things AT ALL. She should have come to you first, which is why you two got married in the first place.

 

 

You'll find a lot of support here, so keep your chin up and everything will be okay

[savignon]

So, is the divorce final at this point? What stuck out to me "this would have happened eventually..if not with him, then someone else". That means 2 things to me...one is that she wasn't happy regardless and the other is that she might not have had the guts to leave without someone else being ready to take her in. Otherwise I wonder why she would say "than someone else"...why wouldn't she leave on her own if she was unhappy?

I know that no answer or amount of truth and explaining will really make a difference. It's so painful and I'm so sorry you're hurting.

Best wishes.

[DN]

What is the status now? Are you separated and filing for divorce?

[Replaced]

Thank you all for the replies.

"If not with him, then someone else" words struck me too. There were no signs that she was unhappy (except for me not being so social - but I was like that since I remember) or she was acting very good. If she was unhappy, why did she marry? I am the same person as I was four years ago.

 

The divorce is filed - waiting for the court hearing.

[DN]

I don't want to give you false hope but she may change her mind- what would be your reaction if she does?

[JonasWaingaro]

I dunno. I was replaced like this as well. I *think* with a co-worker. Seems a nasty trend. The night before it was all happy happy 'I love you', then a morning dump. I found out later she was 'hooking up' very quickly with this clown. (perhaps before, who knows) It's senseless and it's on them. You might have changed, or been less attentive, whatever. Picker your GIGS poison. It was/is on her to communicate that and work to make it better. Not go to another 'for support' then transfer feelings to him because he 'understands'. It's insidious. It's ridiculous. You and no one else are mind readers. Anyhoo, sorry you have go through this. Don't blame yourself for her weakness. It's easy to do, believe me I know.

[jenna-is-here]

You seem so strong while going through all this. This ABSOLUTELY appears to be a grass is always greener scenario. If what you described about yourself in the relationship is true, you seem like a dream for any women. So supportive that you want her to find happiness even at your own cost.

 

Well, I think she will find soon, many guys dont have all the qualities that you have. You may have moved on by then but I do think at some point in her life, she will look back and realize what a gem you were.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There are lots of people who marry because they feel it is the next step to take in life and then they realize it is not what they really want. Sounds like she is indeed experiencing GIGS but also perhaps a change in her personality..she wants to live what she thinks is an exciting single life because she feels she missed out on all of that. There is not much you can do except move on with your life.

[Replaced]

She had a mini affair one year before we got married - flirt and hand contact with another coworker (20+ years older, well positioned). She was fantasizing about him for two days. We talked about it, she stopped fantasizing, I forgave her and we moved on. I think she desires power and position and I am not that ambitious.

 

I think she will not come back because she is very stubborn. I think that if she is so emotionally unstable, I will probably be better off without her.

 

Right now I am trying to forget her. It is hard, because I loved her so much. And it hurts when you wake up and there is no one next to you, no one to talk to. But I hope time will heal these wounds and I will move on. I am much better now, than I was month ago.

[Lastchallenge]

I'm sorry to hear your story, It's very similar to mine.

I Hope things get better for you. I do admire you for filing for divorce because I'm

sure it hurts. I had the same thing happen to me..seems everyone is walking out on 3-5 years for some co worker?! Good job on how your handeling your situation because I know it hurts

[catfeeder]

I hope you won't keep torturing yourself with the idea that you must have done something wrong. Her lack of remorse and statement that it would have happened anyway sounds to me like she was a bad match for ANY husband at this time in her life.

 

Of course nobody here can diagnose a personality disorder, but we can voice opinions about what certain behaviors sound like--and this sounds sociopathic to me.

 

The woman was studious and focused on her goals, and probably to the degree that her vision was like a laser beam and nothing else but the comforts of family and your relationship were allowed to penetrate. Then something happened along the way to catch and detour her focus--and BAM.

 

She's not the same person you married. Making that your fault isn't going to help you heal--it will set you back a lot farther than necessary.

 

None of us can tell you whether this woman will one day snap awake and get back in touch with her original personality, or whether she'd been squelching her 'true' self all along and has just snapped out of that--but blaming yourself for this either way is useless and not even accurate.

 

My heart goes out to you, please hang in there.

[maddyfaye]

So many affairs seem to happen at work. This is really contributing to the moral decay in our society. So many people are giving in to the temtation of the excitement of a new relationship. Long term relationships really do require work. It seems that much of the work is about appreciating and simply giving compliments.

[Replaced]

The biggest problem I am dealing with (besides accepting the reality as it is) is the question, what can he give to her that I couldn't. I can change. I can be more out-going. In fact, I was just patiently waiting for her to pass the exams, so we could go out more often and do things together; I already planned trips and was looking forward to spend evenings out with her. Now someone else is going to enjoy free time with her and I am left alone to watch my broken dreams...

[Onegirl]

I am starting to realize that the biggest mistake I am making is comparing myself to the other woman. Don't torture yourself by comparing yourself to someone because in reality you are comparing apples to oranges. And the flaw is in her, its not you. I'm just now realizing how dangerous it is to compare.

 

And I'm starting to wonder, how much of this is lies, untruths, I am putting into my own head. And do I really need to nurture those thoughts.

[RobD70]

The biggest problem I am dealing with (besides accepting the reality as it is) is the question, what can he give to her that I couldn't. I can change. I can be more out-going. In fact, I was just patiently waiting for her to pass the exams, so we could go out more often and do things together; I already planned trips and was looking forward to spend evenings out with her. Now someone else is going to enjoy free time with her and I am left alone to watch my broken dreams...

 

Don't worry about the other guy, odds are in a few months he will be out of the picture.

 

When people tend to have affairs, they end up going to the opposite extremes to what they had which is exciting at first, until they realize why they didn't go that route in the first place.

 

The other guy is a rebound and very few rebounds are successful. I went through something like this and was intimated by the other guy in my case (wealthy, older, outgoing, ect). He ended up being a scumbag and my wife hates his guts. Hard to believe she use to idolize him lol.

 

Don't beat yourself up over this and don't be shocked if she tries to reconcile down the road, it's pretty rare if they don't in cases like this. You are doing the right thing on moving forward and trying to get her out of your mind. That's the best course of action right now.

 

One more thing, her life is not going to me near as great as you think. She's going to get what she think she wants and she will regret it in the end. I wouldn't envy her, I would feel sorry for her because she doesn't know what she's doing and when it finally hits her it will be too late to fix it.

 

Take care of yourself and you will find someone better. In every breakup I had the next woman was always better than the last.

[Replaced]

Thank you very much. I really appreciate your support. So much energy is wasted because of longing for the past. I am trying really hard to forget her and invest the energy to rediscover myself.

 

I feel sorry for her and I hope she will never have to go through what I am going through. There were times that I wished, she would realize her mistake and came back, but this illusion is fading now. I am obviously not the right person for her. These days I really hope she finds her happiness in life, I am just sad that I can’t accompany her.

 

Looking for small good things in life instead of being miserable helps me a little, but there are still days that I fell so sad and abandoned...

[NBT007]

Hi Replaced. I can empathise with you on so many levels. I have recently seperated with my girfriend of 13 years. She had an affair with a guy who is the complete opposite of me and when she left me moved straight in with him. I have the same feelings of sadness and being abandoned that you have. Whilst I cant really offer any advice I have found that if I can keep my mind occupied (not neccesarily my time but keeping my brain busy) then it helps me to focus in the right direction - where I'm going, what I'm doing, etc. I dont allways succeed at this and on the down days it can be impossible to not think about her and all the emotions that invairably follow. So hang in there buddy - everyone else that has been through this and have emerged at the end of the tunnel tell me that they are now so much better people.

[Replaced]

We are officially divorced now. Today I found out that she is being on a cruise and she is certainly not alone. It drove a knife into my heart once again. I feel so sad. I was still having a little hope for reconciliation and I can’t stop thinking of her. I feel like I will never ever find another soul because of my introversion. She was my second girlfriend. I think the reason that drove her away was that I didn’t like to dance and talk much when in company. But I was always like that. I thought she accepted this when we got married, but I was wrong apparently. It really saddens me that I didn’t even get a chance to fix my flaws (we were already in a dance school and looking forward to continue learning to dance after her exams). There were so many dreams to realize and they were all postponed due to her exams. But she just finished exams and ran away with her coworker to have fun. Of course she won’t regret her decision, because she is having so much fun dancing, talking, sunbathing... So it is not G.I.G.S. after all. Life is so unfair.

[the_dawn]

Hi mate,

 

so sorry to hear what you are going through, hold on there, it will get better, even though it looks miserable now.

 

What you've described is pretty much the same situation I'm in, except for a few details. I was with my partner for 9 years, we weren't married and she never said that she's leaving for someone else, only that she's not in love with me anymore. Then she hooked up with a guy who she started working with a few months back and I knew that there might be something going on between them.

 

I think the reason that drove her away was that I didn’t like to dance and talk much when in company.

 

Her attitude and behaviour towards me and her parents changed. She became annoyed and defensive for no particular reason. She also became depressed

 

She told me that “we” have emotionally detached and that she doesn’t know what she wants, that she is not happy, that she is not being herself,

 

and became distant.

 

Very similar thing here, just clear signs when the other person moves away from you. I think this is clear GIGS situation, she's now with someone who she has fun with, it's all new exciting and great.

 

My flaws that I discovered so far were: I built our relationship on compromise, not authority, I was being too dependant, I was not as much fun and talkative, and - due to lack of her time (study) accompanied with her sleep deprivation - sexually intimate with her only about once a week (I would much rather hold her hand, kiss, hug and comfort her).

 

It's scary how this describes what I've been going through, seriously similarities all over the place. I wanted to make her life easier and would often do stuff to make her happy, putting my needs on the back burner. That is a major mistake in my opinion, after a while the other half takes you for granted and then a moment comes when there's practically nothing more you can give her, as you've been giving it to he all along.

 

I reckon she got bored with stability, thought she's young, can do a lot on her own and will give it a shot, not caring about the marriage or you. She might have been tired with having a standard life, with a husband, nothing exciting, paying bills, doing shopping, you know the normal, every day stuff.

 

I wouldn't blame yourself for it, after a while you will see what she did, you wanted to give her everything and she still left. I know it hurts like hell now, but it will get better, believe me. You might want to focus on the negative things in the relationship for now, stuff you weren't happy with, that usually works and stops you taking all the blame for the whole break up.

 

the_dawn.

[blossom88]

hey replaced am sorry for what you are going through and the many thoughts that come with it. no one needs to feel like they are replaceable. when you look at one what was (your relationship) and what is now it is really heartbreaking.

 

best thing for now is to take good care of your self. eat well and rest well. try not to focus on her and her new flame if you can help it.

 

it sounds like you are taking an inventory of yourself which is good but don't take it to the extreme it leads to self condemnation. are you in touch with her at all?

[WhiteBear]

Replaced,

 

Sorry to read about your story, and I know it’s painful, as it has many similarities to my recent breakup which has had me perusing these forums for the last month, but in my opinion, it was almost certainly inevitable and it would not have been prevented by you having put in more time and effort to fix your "flaws” or fulfill her needs.

 

You mentioned several things that caught my attention:

 

(1) That she was beautiful but had a poor body image. My opinion, based on (unfortunately) extensive experience and observation, is that someone with a poor self-image generally has a greater tendency to cheat simply because they need constant validation of their worthiness. If they’re beautiful, they've probably associated their appearance with validation for their entire life and they will be able to constantly pull that attraction and validation they need from others, either without effort or with some casual flirting (which sends the signal that such attention will be appreciated and possibly reciprocated). If this craving for such validation supersedes any moral compunctions they may have, then sooner or later, someone will take the bait and it will progress to physical cheating. And there is NOTHING you can do to prevent this from happening. The fact that you thought this aspect of her important enough to bring up indicates to me that, deep down, you suspected that this was a fatal flaw in her makeup.

 

(2) She actually showed some self-awareness of this flaw, when “she said that this would have happened sooner or later, if not with him then with someone else. There was no remorse whatsoever.” Even she knows what she’s about.

 

(3) “She told me that “we” have emotionally detached and that she doesn’t know what she wants…” Actually, she knows exactly what she wants. She wants to be with her new guy…for now at least. She just didn’t want to admit it. Instead, she makes you feel guilty, at least in part, for this emotional detachment in your marriage, when in fact she caused it by pulling away and seeking outside comfort. She’s doing all the detaching. And don’t think she doesn’t realize it. She just tries to not think about it, and that explains the apparent lack of remorse. To contemplate her dominant role in destroying your marriage would necessitate a very painful introspection, which is not something she would undertake given her fragile self-esteem.

 

(4) You are concerned that you were not the right person for her, that you had flaws, that perhaps this new man has traits that cast him as a more attractive match for her than you. My take on this, based on what you have described about your relationship, is that there is only one thing this guy has over you. It’s a powerful attribute and one you will not be able to overcome. And it is simply that…he is NOT YOU. He’s someone different. And as it was almost inevitable that her constant need for validation would eventually lead her to seek new sources outside of your relationship, this guy has become her new major supplier. Despite your caring and giving nature, you were never going to be able to placate that need forever. And neither will he. The only question is how their relationship will eventually crumble; will she cheat on him and/or leave him, or will he sense the problems and leave her first? Have no doubt it will happen, perhaps months or years from now, but it will happen. If it lasts much longer, the same problems that arose in your relationship will arise in theirs.

 

 

Ultimately, this issue has little to do with her chronological age and everything to do with her emotional maturity. Whether she was 25 or 45, unless she gets therapy or has some amazing epiphany on her own (unlikely), this relationship cycling and/or infidelity will probably be a recurring phenomenon in her life.

 

So please understand that, as sad as it is, there was little you could have done to prevent this from happening. And keep that in mind if she ever tries to come back to you. If you allow her back, but she is unwilling to submit to therapy to at least try and deal with her own evident self-loathing, she will almost certainly break your heart again.

 

As hard as it is to let go, you've managed it well so far. So now you just have to be willing to open your heart to someone who is emotionally mature enough to appreciate your great qualities and not take them for granted. And if you're at all concerned about how you're going to find such a person, don't worry. Just move forward confidently, and they'll find you.

[orthanc]

Wow! Very well said Whitebear!

I have a similar issue with my ex, she broke up with me last year November, she had a guy immediately after the breakup..we got back together again...and just 2 weeks ago, broke up (for good). She wants to break up again with me but I discovered, she is flirting again with another guy.

During our 6 year relationship, she had short lived flings, I also caught her with cyber sex...all in all, I think, she just loves to flirt and loves it when men showers her with attention. For years, I brought up this issue with her, and knowing her childhood, she always seeks constant approval from her mother, and being overshadowed by her sister, whom she thinks is pretier than her. All of this I think contributed to her dysfunction.

One thing I learned from this relationship, you can't change this kind of person. I realized that no matter how much love and care you show them, they will only break your heart.

[Replaced]

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and sympathy. Step by step I am trying to climb out of this darkness. I am keeping NC since we divorced and avoiding hearing any news about her, although I often think about how they are doing. Today I accidentally found out she is living with him in his apartment. So they work and sleep together. Although it has been a while since our divorce (3 months), this news still hit me real hard. Old thoughts started to pop up again, like I was not good enough for her, she finally found the love of her life ... while I am stuck here in the dark and pain, with the “divorced” stigma atop of it all. I guess it has to be this way; otherwise life would be too good.