Please, help me figure this out and what the right thing to do/say is

[sheenietee]

There are more details than below, so feel free to ask me to elaborate or add or message me. Thanks for trying to help!

 

Ok, I have known this guy for about a month and he treats me wonderfully. Romantic dates, introduces me to all of his close friends, talks to me everyday even though we’re LD for the summer, always compliments me, confides in me, trusts me, sexually attracted to me (no sex though), he worries about me when I’m upset, and even though he’s on vaca right now, he specifically brought his computer so he could talk to me, and wants to visit me asap when he gets back.

 

All sound wonderful, right? The issue is, he has been openly honest with me about still liking his ex gf. They dated for 14 months, she cheated on him. They are still really good friends, and right before she left she “was acting differently” and so now he thinks she may like him again. He told me he plans on spending a lot of time with her over the summer as friends before he makes a decision. She will also be LD from him for 1.5 years after the summer. What should I do? What worries me is that he couldn’t look me in the eyes when he said he “really liked me too” back.. does this mean all of the above is false in him liking me or is it just the ex? Would it be okay for me to voice my opinions on them not working out?

 

I want to say I have experience in these relationships and although I'm sure his ex is a nice person, she can't possibly love him the way he does. Would telling him it wouldn't work out with her or it's better off not going back to her right now going to offend him or will he listen?

 

Also, I am considering saying that I really like him but think I should back off and see other guys because I'm just trying to protect myself from getting hurt.. would this help him see that he likes me?

---if so, should I do this before the ex comes back into his life or when she is in his life?

 

Sorry for all the questions, I just want to be careful not to mess anything up.

[redherring]

Sounds like a good plan to me.

[catfeeder]

I would tell him how wonderful he is, and while I hope someday we can have a terrific future together, I'm going to leave that up to him. I need to pull my investment while he's holding feelings for his ex, and I appreciate his honesty about that. He's welcome to contact me after he's been free and clear of all contact and feelings for ex for at least a few months, and if I'm still available then, we can meet and catch up.

 

While it's good that he's been open about where he stands, it's also foolish to invest in someone who's where he is. He's not dating material, and that's not his fault--it's just The Big Neon Flag you need to recognize if you don't want him to break your heart.

[Cadence44]

I second what catfeeder said. There is absolutely nothing you can do here to gain control, other than taking yourself out of the situation and showing him that you value yourself enough to do that. Doing otherwise spells certain disaster for you emotionally.

 

It's not your fault, it's just timing. So yes, go on, live your life, and maybe he'll be back. If he does show up, make sure he's emotionally healthy and the ex has been out of his life for awhile before you consider getting involved.

[sheenietee]

Well, It's been about 9 months since they broke up. They have remained extremely good friends throughout the whole ordeal though. He said "they still have feelings for each other and as a result don't go around ever showing other bfs/gfs around one another." Right now she's studying abroad and he is even watching her apartment and car until she gets back in a week.

 

I wish I knew if she really liked HIM because that would really help me decide, considering she'll be gone for 1.5 years after the summer. All I know is he said he had given up on hope of them getting back together but she "started acting differently right before she left" and now he thinks she might still like him.. is there any way of finding out if she still does? I wish he would have elaborated on those signs.. cause sometimes when you're stil in love, you interpret every difference as wanting to get back together.

 

Why would she want to get back with him though even after she cheated on him and knowing she'll be gone for 1.5 years?

 

btw, I AM considering doing as you say cat, but at the same time I am afraid of losing him completely and always wondering, what if? I mean, I don't have any guy friends at home and I hardly ever go out so I don't think by waiting for him he's taking away so many wonderful opportunities for me, but the reason why I don't want to wait is so he isn't so comfortable with me expecting to always be there and maybe let will help him miss me and choose me.

[catfeeder]

[...] btw, I AM considering doing as you say cat, but at the same time I am afraid of losing him completely and always wondering, what if? I mean, I don't have any guy friends at home and I hardly ever go out so I don't think by waiting for him he's taking away so many wonderful opportunities for me, but the reason why I don't want to wait is so he isn't so comfortable with me expecting to always be there and maybe let will help him miss me and choose me.

 

Your concerns are perfectly valid, and as much as this sucks, it's good that he's being frank with you about his feelings for his ex. That doesn't make him Mr. Wonderful, though--he really has no business pulling you into this in the first place. This is exactly the reason most people won't involve themselves with someone who's not yet divorced, no matter how long he or she has been separated. Your BF is the non-married equivalent of separated and still hoping to reconcile.

 

That's not even dating material.

 

Investing guesswork about where ex stands with him is useless, because even if she gives him the boot, he still needs to go through grieving his loss of possibility with her and healing himself back out of love with her.

 

That could take a year or more.

 

Waiting for decisions between two lovers is really no place for you to be, is it?

 

The problem with positioning yourself as someone's rebound when they're still emotionally entangled is not only that is speaks of a willingness to be another's second-best-runner-up (which demo's a lack of respect for yourself, we ALL deserve number-One status) but it also positions you as a nursemaid to someone else's grieving.

 

Sure feeling 'needed' can offer some degree of satisfaction, but what happens after nurses help someone heal? No need for them anymore. Suddenly, the world is new again with Technicolor opportunities, and the rebound who hung in there to help the griever is now the one who's in the way of going out to pursue it.

 

Rebounds get used up, thanked, then bounced. (That's why there is a name for this.) Please research rebound relationships, and then you'll be better informed to make good decisions about where you want to position yourself in this triangle. My honest hope is, you'll choose outside of it.

 

My heart goes out to you, and write more if it helps.

[sheenietee]

I have definitely thought of all this myself, in fact, I don't think I'd even date him even if things don't work out with his ex due to what you stated.. but yet I still have my reservations about separating myself from him because I'm afraid he'll forget about me completely and then definitely go back to his ex instead of just maybe and then I'll never have any sort of future chance. I might do it though when he comes up to visit me so I can do it in person, I keep going back and forth between my head and my heart (which is exactly what he is doing with me and her too).

 

Also, what do you think this means:

Ok, I have known this guy for about a month and he treats me wonderfully. Romantic dates, introduces me to all of his close friends, talks to me everyday even though we’re LD for the summer, always compliments me, confides in me, trusts me, sexually attracted to me (no sex though), he worries about me when I’m upset,and wants to visit me asap when he gets back. The issue is, he has been openly honest with me about still liking his ex gf. They dated for 14 months, she cheated on him. They are still really good friends, and right before she left she “was acting differently” and so now he thinks she may like him again. He told me he plans on spending a lot of time with her over the summer as friends before he makes a decision

 

I was talking to him on webcam the other night and I later said, you know? I'm afraid of liking you too much and that I'm setting myself up to be hurt. He responded: Yeah, I can understand that *pause* maybe I should back off a little?.... but then 5 mins later he continued to treat me like a gf as much as before. Is this a good sign or no that he wanted to back off a bit? or wants to back off but didn't?

[catfeeder]

You're leaving it up to him, but he's not looking out for you, and he's already made that clear. He's giving you 'eyes wide open' warnings to clear his own conscience, and he expects you to look out for yourself.

 

You are sentencing yourself to a summer of taking his temperature with every sentence. You're doing it already, and that's really-really sad.

 

He's not going to 'forget' you if you're the self-respecting one that got away. He'll respect you more for valuing yourself in a way that he has zero intention of doing right now. He's going to play this out to try to get back with the girl he loves no matter how you slice it and no matter what you do. You get to decide whether you want to walk through a meat grinder to watch, and if you do, what's your payoff, exactly? What do you expect to get out of this?

 

You're not reserving a front row seat to his heart, you're setting yourself up badly to be his amusement until he learns where he stands with the woman he WANTS to be with. Why on earth would you position yourself this way?

 

Bad strategy. THINK.

[sheenietee]

You're right and this definitely makes me think. I'm just disappointed that relationships never work out for me I guess and was convincing myself this would be different. I'm going to have this talk with him when he comes up to see me a week and a half from now. Should I still be friends with him? Can I still talk to him .... I need help on what exactly would be the best thing to say to him to let him down.

[catfeeder]

You're right and this definitely makes me think. I'm just disappointed that relationships never work out for me I guess and was convincing myself this would be different. I'm going to have this talk with him when he comes up to see me a week and a half from now. Should I still be friends with him? Can I still talk to him .... I need help on what exactly would be the best thing to say to him to let him down.

 

My heart really does go out to you. You don't know that things can't work out with this one in the end, but you can't learn the true outcome without being brave enough to demonstrate self-respect while allowing him to either finish old business or discover that he could never really be yours in the first place.

 

Sticking around won't resolve this, it will only contaminate things. Better to send him off in your mind thinking good of him than to hover, walk on eggshells, seek meaning in every breath he takes, fall for him, become resentful, humiliate yourself when your insecurities come out sideways--turn ugly without meaning to and start viewing him as someone misusing you and manipulating you as his focus continues to be with her...

 

Walk away from that scene and open to the possibility instead of this being resolved someday in your favor.

 

I already covered what I would say in my first post, but I'm sure the good folks here can help you hammer out something better if it would help you feel more comfortable. I would ask him not to contact me outside of maybe a card or letter (which requires more thought than some meaningless brain fart to send) unless and until he has not only finished all business with the ex, but is also completely over his feelings for her.

 

You can sound optimistic when you speak of this possibility, and you can even BE optimistic about it--but you can't keep your focus on the meantime, or you'll drive yourself nuts--and you can't settle for being his rebound in any way, shape, or form. Be too good for that, because you ARE.

 

I hope you'll stay in touch here, and I hope it helps.

 

In your corner.

 

PS: You'll hate me for this, but I would NOT await a visit from him. I'd tell him this over phone or Skype today.

[Stay_Awake]

***hugs***