Pie Crust Reconciliations

[coolchick64]

I’ve been reflecting on my recently failed reconciliation and I’m reminded of a line from Mary Poppins about pie crust promises: “easily made and easily broken.” I think there are different kinds of reconciliations and some are pie crusts! You don’t want one of those.

 

When my BF and I were separated before, he had a rebound GF and was contacting me constantly. I was devastated. When I first found out about the rebound, I wrote him several scathing emails. He wanted to meet up. We did. I listened. I wrote later that day letting him know I couldn’t be his friend because I was too hurt by his actions. From that point forward, I never held him accountable for anything.

 

During the weeks that followed, I spent most of my time thinking about all the mistakes I had made in the relationship. I don’t regret this because I read and learned a lot about the dynamics in couples, etc. However, in retrospect, I took 80% of the responsibility for a bad situation that was 80% his making. I mean, my petty crimes didn’t require him to react by dumping me and jumping into another relationship. We could’ve talked about it!

 

Whenever he contacted me, I responded. I was all about keeping the door open, making him feel safe with me, letting him know we’d be moving forward and not dwelling on the past. I tried to seem upbeat and together whenever I saw him (I was not). I let him know there were no hard feelings (there were). I told him I was open to reconciling if he was. I gave him all the power and made almost no demands. There was a little ember there and I was fanning it for all it was worth!

 

All of my actions made it easy for him to come back. And he did. Who wouldn’t?! But then what?

 

Well, six months later, he did the same dumb thing. During our reconciliation, I achieved the dubious honor of being the perfect, and I mean perfect, girlfriend. I was so accommodating, understanding, supportive and safe . . . I was like human memory foam or something. You know, the stuff that conforms to your body when you lie on it? That was me.

 

So, why did it end? It ended because he didn’t want it bad enough. He had done nothing to understand his role in our problems except complete a nasty little GIGS experiment. He didn’t have to work to get me back or convince me things would be different. He wasn’t required to own up to anything. I made him work way waayyyy harder to get me in the first place. The bar was so low when we reconciled, it was buried underground. I knew intuitively he wouldn’t have come back if I made it hard for him. I thought if I lured him in and showed him how great and understanding I was, he’d value me again. Well, I succeeded in that much. He was practically hysterical when he broke up with me the second time . . . kept saying he couldn’t believe he was doing it/I was so wonderful/etc. Guess what? The problem wasn’t me! It was him!! It was his inability to contribute to a relationship no matter how great it might be.

 

So, what have I learned from all of this? I think it would’ve been better to put the bar where it belonged and either let him jump over it or walk away. If he wasn’t willing to deal with the mess he made (my anger and hurt), we shouldn’t have reconciled. If he didn’t have the courage to contact me knowing I wasn’t happy with him (and who would be?), he didn’t have the courage to make it work. Guess what I’m saying is, the energy for a reconciliation really has to come from the dumper. You can grease the road with Crisco if you want, but it’s probably not going to work out in the long run unless they would’ve been willing to crawl over broken glass to get you back anyway. I know this goes against conventional wisdom around here. I also know it paints a somewhat simplistic, immature picture of relationships. Of course it’s more complicated than some Hollywood movie ending. But my main conclusion is valid: the dumper has to want it, bad, and they have to be willing to put forth the effort to be with you---to win you back. If you’re scaffolding them all the way, you might get them back, but watch out . . .

[cherryberry123]

Great post

[rapunzel]

Hey coolchick - I can relate. I didn't make the bar high enough the first go around, so I believe my "value" was not as high as it could/should have been. With the 'reconciliation' (if you can call it that), I was a bit harder to get but not as much as I should have been. I also feel I made it too easy for him and again, I inadvertently lessened my own value. Like you, I feel that after 9 months of confusing dumper carrot dangling, I was the one who lured him back and in a sense, snared him into a reconciliation. Mind you, I did not pursue him but I did make it happen (long story). He did not have to jump through flaming hoops....so what happened? He did not appreciate me and dumped me a second time.

 

Try not to beat yourself up about it. I know how hard that is! Hopefully we will learn something from these painful experiences.

[cherryberry123]

What if you were the reason they broke it off? IE. verbally or physically abusive...cheating..etc etc.

Yes, it's pretty dramatic but I can't blame them for leaving.

 

Shouldn't the dumpee be the one working for it again?

[kittykat_12]

WELL SAID COOLCHICK!!!!

That was probably one of the best posts I've ever read out there.... I think alot of the time we focus on how to get our ex back, when really the focus needs to be how to keep the relationship going with full steam post-reconciliation.

 

You've definitely made me reflect on my "progress" with my ex. We've been broken up for 7 weeks, had some very playful and flirty exchanges (still haven't spoken on the phone or met up) but I'm coming to that point where I'm wondering how bad he even wants this. I want to step back to see if he pushes forward but I think I'm scared that he won't.. That in itself should be enough of a hint that he doesn't really want this and if I were to make this easy, he may never value our relationship the way he should!

[Tired Tiger]

Coolchick is spot on. An example of how easy it is to succumb to the lopsided balance in the power struggle. It's tough, because you can't always recognize it when you're in the middle of it.

 

Shouldn't the dumpee be the one working for it again?

 

No. Both need to work at it equally and together.

[catfeeder]

Brilliant post, just snipping to what I'd like to address:

 

[...]I know this goes against conventional wisdom around here. I also know it paints a somewhat simplistic, immature picture of relationships. [...]

 

No, it doesn't. This states beautifully what most people around here keep trying to promote, but I think there's some invisible fairy dust that disallows dumpees to see it until they've reached your vantage point.

 

This seems to be one of those doors marked 'No' that everyone needs to open and walk through anyway in order to learn from the experience.

 

If your post can spare just one person from taking the long road and the hard way, it was well worth your time. If not, then it's still worth adding to the reinforcement we all need to keep our bars raised and avoid settling for someone who's already demonstrated disloyalty.

[coolchick64]

What if you were the reason they broke it off? IE. verbally or physically abusive...cheating..etc etc.

Yes, it's pretty dramatic but I can't blame them for leaving.

 

Shouldn't the dumpee be the one working for it again?

 

It depends on how things ended, I guess. The dumper-dumpee distinction can get blurry. If you did something that effectively ended the relationship, like cheating or blowing him off for a week, then that makes you the dumper even if he pulled the trigger. In that case, sure, maybe you need to be the one to win him back. But if you're talking about run of the mill communication problems, I think the ball's still in his court.

 

Let me give you an example. For several weeks before the first time super-ex and I broke up, he had been pulling back. He was no longer making plans with me. He was only available sporadically. The complete opposite of what our relationship had been like for the preceding 1.5 years. I responded by making plans with other people . . . men who were interested in me, for the most part. I was upfront with him about spending time with these "friends." I didn't cheat. But looking back, that wasn't a nice thing to do and I regretted it later.

 

Still, did that mean I was the dumper? Did I leave him no other option but to leave me for somebody else? No!! He could've responded by saying, "Wait a minute. I know I'm not available as much right now, but could you fill your time with female friends?" Or he could've said, "Look, things are deteriorating here and I don't want them to be. I want our relationship, but I need space right now. Can you wait?" Or he could've said, "I don't like what you're doing. It makes me feel awful. If you want me, you have to stop it." But instead, he started something with someone else, forcing me to break up when the evidence was too clear to ignore. After all of that, it was on him to come back and convince me it was worth trying again. No matter what I did wrong, the bottomline is (and was) that he just wasn't invested. I was reacting to his withdrawal, not the other way around.

 

So, if you're honest with yourself about your own bad behavior, did you really drive him away? Was he really still there, trying to make it work? Were you maybe reacting to what he was doing? In the end, he's the one who let the relationship go. He knows all about you, the good and the bad. He has enough information to decide whether he wants to be in, even if that means outlining what he needs from you to do it. He has to want it at least as much as you want it. If he doesn't, there's not a thing you can do about it.

[coolchick64]

Brilliant post, just snipping to what I'd like to address:

 

 

 

No, it doesn't. This states beautifully what most people around here keep trying to promote, but I think there's some invisible fairy dust that disallows dumpees to see it until they've reached your vantage point.

 

This seems to be one of those doors marked 'No' that everyone needs to open and walk through anyway in order to learn from the experience.

 

If your post can spare just one person from taking the long road and the hard way, it was well worth your time. If not, then it's still worth adding to the reinforcement we all need to keep our bars raised and avoid settling for someone who's already demonstrated disloyalty.

 

 

Thanks Catfeeder. Hard won insight, to be sure. If my story helps anyone else, I'd be happy.

[alamina]

Coolchick: whenever I read your posts, I feel like I'm reading about myself, and everything I went through! I was memory foam too!

 

I don't think you did anything wrong by occupying your time with male friends when he was already pulling away. Sometimes when they start distancing themselves from us when we've done nothing wrong, it makes us so confused! It's like we want to wave our hands frantically and shout "HELLO? I am here! Do you see me? HELLO?"

[quirky]

Hi coolchick

 

Annoying as it is to come to these realisations they are true to a large extend.

 

You can grease the road with Crisco if you want, but it’s probably not going to work out in the long run unless they would’ve been willing to crawl over broken glass to get you back anyway. I know this goes against conventional wisdom around here. I also know it paints a somewhat simplistic, immature picture of relationships.

 

I agree with this. There is a difference between man and woman. HE has to pursue. It makes them feel good, more secure with their decision. They want us to let them court us and we resist a bit. Yes people will call it games but it's what I've seen throughout my dating life and I'd rather go with human instincts. I realised that it's us women that set our value. It is so normal though after a breakup to blame yourself for things because it's what you can control, your own actions and thoughts. And combined with missing the partner, believing in your connection it is only natural not to see things cold heartedly..so don't blame yourself for anything. I think it's important to voice what we want. We so often think "oh he's scared" "oh he's got issue". I think all of us feel these things. I have so many times excused a guy because I just thought with love and with my female analytical mind. Sadly the book "he's just not that into you" provided great insight for me.

 

I think you're a great lady and you will definitely find a great guy for you, I truly believe that.

[Convict7]

Thanks Catfeeder. Hard won insight, to be sure. If my story helps anyone else, I'd be happy.

Then you should be happy.

 

I was messing up communication wise, but she chose to go outside the relationship instead of talking to me about it. I can recognize that in the future I have to take more of an interest and put more effort into my relationships. But being lazy and falling into a routine doesn't mean I deserved to be forgotten about and cheated on.

 

In the future I need to be a more attentive guy and show more interest in girls I like. I need to learn to take the initiative and make more decisions. I need to tell myself that my opinion and feelings are just as valuable and make my thoughts known. I was a bit of a doormat and just molded to fit whatever she wanted. I was boring. But you're right, it still didn't warrant her going outside the relationship for the attention she wanted.

 

I was willing to change and she was not interested in working to keep the relationship alive. With that she fought me anytime I brought up her lack of effort. She wanted to keep up some of her outside relationships despite the fact that she had used some of them to cheat. And I was stupid enough to be trying to compromise about it. From now on I have to treat myself like I deserve to have an honest gf who will be equally faithful to me. Anything less than that is selling my love short.

 

I am someone who will spend all day doing something for you, with no expectation of anything in return. I like to do things and help those who I care about. I can deal with parents who aren't nice to me and being supportive about hobbies that aren't really my thing. I can be a great bf and I'm even willing to take constructive criticism and work on myself. I will eventually find a girl who will appreciate having a guy that is so supportive and caring.

 

For now I am concentrating on my career, getting a new job. Trying to get back into shape. In a two weeks I will be visiting family out of state for a few days. Basically I am putting romance on hold for a while. I'm done trying to win her back and I'm not going to actively look for another girl either. My focus right now is on work, I have interviews coming up that could drastically change my situation.

 

I'm too nice of a guy to be stuck forgiving his gf over and over for the same mistake.

[jenna-is-here]

Coolchick! You have dont it again. I really think you should write a book for anyone thinking reconciling with someone that was not working for them in the first place. Great line:

 

You can grease the road with Crisco if you want, but it’s probably not going to work out in the long run

 

Sadly, I was the one greasing the road the 1st time and I had a very similiar experience to what you described. Everything down the the almost hysterical breakup (him: I must be crazy to let a girl like you go, what is wrong with me, this may be the biggest mistake I make in my life, maybe this separation is just what "we" need, etc"...and then poof, he was gone.

 

So, another post by coolchick to sooth the nerves. Thank you!

[brandnewday47]

 

In the future I need to be a more attentive guy and show more interest in girls I like. I need to learn to take the initiative and make more decisions. I need to tell myself that my opinion and feelings are just as valuable and make my thoughts known. I was a bit of a doormat and just molded to fit whatever she wanted. I was boring. But you're right, it still didn't warrant her going outside the relationship for the attention she wanted.

 

I was willing to change and she was not interested in working to keep the relationship alive.

 

Well said Convict, I could have written all of the above myself. Unfortunately for me it takes a lot to actually open myself up for a relationship, so who knows when the next opportunity will occur.

[donewithitall]

Great post. This will be a lesson learned from past relationships that will hopefully help me set my boundaries for future relationships.

[Brownstone322]

Coolchick! You have dont it again. I really think you should write a book for anyone thinking reconciling with someone that was not working for them in the first place. Great line:

 

You can grease the road with Crisco if you want, but it’s probably not going to work out in the long run

 

Sadly, I was the one greasing the road the 1st time and I had a very similiar experience to what you described. Everything down the the almost hysterical breakup (him: I must be crazy to let a girl like you go, what is wrong with me, this may be the biggest mistake I make in my life, maybe this separation is just what "we" need, etc"...and then poof, he was gone.

 

So, another post by coolchick to sooth the nerves. Thank you!

I love how coolchick articulates her experiences. And I also like the fact that you're both getting so much mileage out of a "lube" analogy.

 

Seriously, though, I think coolchick's having fallen on the sword was a good thing for everyone. For me, I recognize that had I been able to pull off a "reconciliation" last year, it'd be a certified disaster by now. Woulda been way too soon. Woulda been way too much my idea. No way that woulda worked.

[nguyenal]

I totally agree with this.

 

Me and my ex broke up and I made it so easy for him to come back. He did not learn his lesson and taken me for granted. I could not deal with it so I broke up with him.

 

It hurts so bad when they don't care about you and u are in a relationship with them.

[Cnstnt Evolutn]

It depends on how things ended, I guess. The dumper-dumpee distinction can get blurry. If you did something that effectively ended the relationship, like cheating or blowing him off for a week, then that makes you the dumper even if he pulled the trigger. In that case, sure, maybe you need to be the one to win him back. But if you're talking about run of the mill communication problems, I think the ball's still in his court.

 

 

I know EXACTLY what you mean here about the line between dumpee and dumper getting blurry as it applies to my situation. In mine, she left me (pulled the trigger), but her reasons were that I "didn't appreciate," her enough and was ,"selfish,"...as if I owed her a gross amount of appreciation for the mere fact of her being with me. Now, I understand that may not have been what she meant but at the time it certainly sounded like it.

 

I had my own life to tend to and while I know now that I could have been there for her more... I believe she expected her to be my top priority..and I saw differently.

 

So the question is, was she the dumper because she pulled the trigger of our break-up?...or did she feel that I was the dumper because I did not show the appreciation she yearned for in the months leading up to the split? She compared our relationship to those of others around us...as if every relationship has a certain "mold" that it has to fit, and I don't like that thought.

 

One analogy of many relationships that I've heard and like is that there is a reacher and a settler. One person, the settler is the power holder and the reacher is always the one reaching for the settler, who likely doesn't reciprocate. Eventually the reacher realizes this and takes a stand.

 

I was the settler in my relationship...Yes I did mess up to some extent and I take responsibility for my part of the break-up. Do I wish it was different?? I used to, but not anymore. I think in the long run its best we split to learn and grow. Will we get back together?...who knows. Maybe some time 10 years down the line or something we will catch one another somewhere and rekindle our spark. I won't wait for her though.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Brownstone322]

One analogy of many relationships that I've heard and like is that there is a reacher and a settler. One person, the settler is the power holder and the reacher is always the one reaching for the settler, who likely doesn't reciprocate. Eventually the reacher realizes this and takes a stand.

I like that analogy too, dude. I was clearly the "settler," the one taking the entire arrangement for granted, while she was always reaching for ... something. It was never entirely clear (to either of us) what she was hoping to find, but she eventually decided that I was holding her back in whatever her "quest" was.

 

There's a flip side to that, though. She may have been the romantic idealist, and I may have been the boring pragmatist, but she's one of those people who will never find what she's looking for, because her idealized vision of hip, exciting urban happiness (think of a Woody Allen movie or "Sex in the City") doesn't actually exist. (And my ex and the lead character of that show share the same name ... whooda thunk it?

[Cnstnt Evolutn]

 

There's a flip side to that, though. She may have been the romantic idealist, and I may have been the boring pragmatist, but she's one of those people who will never find what she's looking for, because her idealized vision of hip, exciting urban happiness (think of a Woody Allen movie or "Sex in the City") doesn't actually exist. (And my ex and the lead character of that show share the same name ... whooda thunk it?

 

 

Exactly. Mine also expects to find a true romance story like something out of the Twilight books/movies. It doesn't really exist....ahh naivety. I wish I was as idealistic, but I've definitely had more of an eye opening life so far, while she has been sheltered for most of hers. She was the optimistic idealist and I was the playful, fun guy turned realistic, pragmatic - A bit too logical as opposed to her, being run by emotions. That's why I kind of WANT her to meet someone new just so she sees that it wasn't just me. Sounds masochistic and morbid but its true

 

 

In the over 14 months or so we've been separated she has not met anyone yet as far as I know. And I would likely know, not by my choice but because we have mutual friends that were loyal to me before her and would tell me if I asked, which I may not want to know anyway hehe.

 

Will she come running back after discovering this ideal guy doesn't exist? That EVERYONE comes with some baggage? probably not. But perhaps she will then learn the folly of her ways. And that is what life is, a learning experience. A series of risks.

 

No intent to hijack...

[Hopesfall]

Wow, so many good responses in here. Some of the best I've read!

 

Coolchick has a way with words. Love it.

[keith515]

if my ex wanted to get back i would probably lower the bar and not have own up to anything.

 

I'm so glad you wrote it and I read it. It makes to not want to get back with my ex even if I had the choice but I would not hold her accountable to anything.

[cm17]

So the question is, was she the dumper because she pulled the trigger of our break-up?...or did she feel that I was the dumper because I did not show the appreciation she yearned for in the months leading up to the split?

 

This is exactly my conundrum. I broke up with my ex due partially to my being depressed (which I'm sure warped things in my mind a bit), but also because I felt like I wasn't a "priority" to him. He did agree to the break-up in the end, which was proof to me he wasn't as invested. So now he's contacting me to hang out and I have no idea where I stand, we might both feel like dumpees!

 

I like that analogy too, dude. I was clearly the "settler," the one taking the entire arrangement for granted, while she was always reaching for ... something. It was never entirely clear (to either of us) what she was hoping to find, but she eventually decided that I was holding her back in whatever her "quest" was.

 

It seems like women are usually "reachers". I do fear maybe my idea of a good relationship might be a bit unrealistic, but its what we are led to hope for... Both of you seem to think your ex-girlfriends will regret breaking up with y'all. I think I'm on the opposite end of what you two have experienced, where I'm the one regretting initiating a break-up at the same time feeling rejected. So complicated!

 

I loved what coolchick had to say. Such a cautionary tale! It has me questioning my plan to respond to my ex. Every situation is different, just wish I could tell who actually was the dumpee/dumper. Is there even such a thing as a mutual break-up?

[pino]

So true. Sad how you never see it this way while your in the middle of it all. We live and learn. Never lower the bar!!