coolchick64 Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 I’ve been reflecting on my recently failed reconciliation and I’m reminded of a line from Mary Poppins about pie crust promises: “easily made and easily broken.” I think there are different kinds of reconciliations and some are pie crusts! You don’t want one of those. When my BF and I were separated before, he had a rebound GF and was contacting me constantly. I was devastated. When I first found out about the rebound, I wrote him several scathing emails. He wanted to meet up. We did. I listened. I wrote later that day letting him know I couldn’t be his friend because I was too hurt by his actions. From that point forward, I never held him accountable for anything. During the weeks that followed, I spent most of my time thinking about all the mistakes I had made in the relationship. I don’t regret this because I read and learned a lot about the dynamics in couples, etc. However, in retrospect, I took 80% of the responsibility for a bad situation that was 80% his making. I mean, my petty crimes didn’t require him to react by dumping me and jumping into another relationship. We could’ve talked about it! Whenever he contacted me, I responded. I was all about keeping the door open, making him feel safe with me, letting him know we’d be moving forward and not dwelling on the past. I tried to seem upbeat and together whenever I saw him (I was not). I let him know there were no hard feelings (there were). I told him I was open to reconciling if he was. I gave him all the power and made almost no demands. There was a little ember there and I was fanning it for all it was worth! All of my actions made it easy for him to come back. And he did. Who wouldn’t?! But then what? Well, six months later, he did the same dumb thing. During our reconciliation, I achieved the dubious honor of being the perfect, and I mean perfect, girlfriend. I was so accommodating, understanding, supportive and safe . . . I was like human memory foam or something. You know, the stuff that conforms to your body when you lie on it? That was me. So, why did it end? It ended because he didn’t want it bad enough. He had done nothing to understand his role in our problems except complete a nasty little GIGS experiment. He didn’t have to work to get me back or convince me things would be different. He wasn’t required to own up to anything. I made him work way waayyyy harder to get me in the first place. The bar was so low when we reconciled, it was buried underground. I knew intuitively he wouldn’t have come back if I made it hard for him. I thought if I lured him in and showed him how great and understanding I was, he’d value me again. Well, I succeeded in that much. He was practically hysterical when he broke up with me the second time . . . kept saying he couldn’t believe he was doing it/I was so wonderful/etc. Guess what? The problem wasn’t me! It was him!! It was his inability to contribute to a relationship no matter how great it might be. So, what have I learned from all of this? I think it would’ve been better to put the bar where it belonged and either let him jump over it or walk away. If he wasn’t willing to deal with the mess he made (my anger and hurt), we shouldn’t have reconciled. If he didn’t have the courage to contact me knowing I wasn’t happy with him (and who would be?), he didn’t have the courage to make it work. Guess what I’m saying is, the energy for a reconciliation really has to come from the dumper. You can grease the road with Crisco if you want, but it’s probably not going to work out in the long run unless they would’ve been willing to crawl over broken glass to get you back anyway. I know this goes against conventional wisdom around here. I also know it paints a somewhat simplistic, immature picture of relationships. Of course it’s more complicated than some Hollywood movie ending. But my main conclusion is valid: the dumper has to want it, bad, and they have to be willing to put forth the effort to be with you---to win you back. If you’re scaffolding them all the way, you might get them back, but watch out . . . Link to comment
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