confusedbella3 Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 together 5 years, split for 3 months. First 6 weeks were hard and we were both angry and hurt. Then he sent me a letter saying sorry, a long decent letter and I thanked him for it. Then nothing for about two weeks, and I just received an email. The email is short and is just about that he heard that im taking some classes in something I always wanted to. His email just said it makes him happy that I am doing that, and hes sure I will do great. Not sure what or whether to respond. Not responding is giving me the feeling that I could came accross as rude, spiteful, just basically not very mature. But responding is difficult. Not sure what to say? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sahasupa Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 It looks like he wants to get back together. Whether you should respond or not depends on whether you want the same. If I did not want to get back together with my ex I would not respond, and I would not care whether that would make me look mean, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 Who broke up with whom? If you read these boards enough, you'll notice that plenty of dumpees receive messages from exes who are doing nothing but pinging them out of curiosity or a guilty conscience. When they read too much into the contact, they end up suffering up all over again when it doesn't lead to anything. Nobody here can read the guy's mind. I'd just respond, "Thank you." and call it a day. He knows how to reach you if he ever wants to reconcile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confusedbella3 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Share Posted May 23, 2010 I dont want to get back together but i definitely still have feelings for him. we split up too many times. This time it was mutual and he was done too. Does it really look like he wants to get back together to anyone else? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confusedbella3 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Share Posted May 23, 2010 catfeeder it was completely mutual. we were stuck in a huge rut. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady_deer Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 It looks like he wants to get back together. I disagree. Just because he sent her a message expressing delight in her achievements doesn't mean he wants to get back together. Like catfeeder said no one can read his mind. Unless and until he specifically states that to her she should take what he said at face value, thank him for his warm wishes and leave it at that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confusedbella3 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Share Posted May 23, 2010 I didnt take it as he wants to get back together, i took it as .. he apologised, I thanked him. Then he wanted to test the friendship to follow by seeing if we could be casually in touch if you know what i mean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confusedbella3 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Share Posted May 23, 2010 Anyone think I should respond with something light hearted too, or maybe ask him how his work is going also? sometimes I think i want us to be OK with each other rather than complete strangers, sometimes i think i want to cut off everything Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 A simple thank you keeps your door open and preserves your dignity at the same time. It also keeps your door open to pinging him later if you want to, while it prevents you from saying anything right now that you may later regret as sounding too eager. My private rule of thumb is, if I need to think too hard about what I'm saying, this is my signal that less is more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sahasupa Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 I disagree. Just because he sent her a message expressing delight in her achievements doesn't mean he wants to get back together. Like catfeeder said no one can read his mind. Unless and until he specifically states that to her she should take what he said at face value, thank him for his warm wishes and leave it at that. Hmmm. The guy rights a long letter. Then he follows that up with an email even though he did not get a response to the first letter. I wouls say at the very least he still really cares about OP. I personally would not take a time to write even a short email, let alone a long letter and an email, to my ex unless I really cared about her. Although I probably would not write anything to my ex period. But perhaps that is just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 Hmmm. The guy rights a long letter. Then he follows that up with an email even though he did not get a response to the first letter. I wouls say at the very least he still really cares about OP. I personally would not take a time to write even a short email, let alone a long letter and an email, to my ex unless I really cared about her. Although I probably would not write anything to my ex period. But perhaps that is just me. Yep, that's you. We see this a lot around here. In some cases it's about relieving guilt with zero intent to reconcile, in other cases it's something else, but it's never a good idea to build up one's hopes by presuming that we can know someone else's intentions. It can harm progress. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sahasupa Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 Yep, that's you. We see this a lot around here. In some cases it's about relieving guilt with zero intent to reconcile, in other cases it's something else, but it's never a good idea to build up one's hopes by presuming that we can know someone else's intentions. It can harm progress. Well, since OP stated clearly that she does not want to get back together, I do not see how I could build hopes suggesting that the ex wants something that OP clearly does not. For hope building to take place OP needs to want that in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 Well, since OP stated clearly that she does not want to get back together, I do not see how I could build hopes suggesting that the ex wants something that OP clearly does not. For hope building to take place OP needs to want that in the first place. People always say that ; ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sahasupa Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 But if you suggest that OP does not mean what she says, aren't you "presuming that we can know someone else's intentions", even though someone else states otherwise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 But if you suggest that OP does not mean what she says, aren't you "presuming that we can know someone else's intentions", even though someone else states otherwise Nope. Leaving room for what we don't know means exactly that. I can tell you that I'm not interested in getting back with my ex, too. I might even believe that I mean it. Doesn't mean that if he did something that I interpreted as wanting to get back with me, it wouldn't set me back to zero when I discovered that to him, asking how I am means ... asking how I am. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sahasupa Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 Well, I take you at your word that this is how you may cope with a break up, and I take OP at her word that she really does not want to get back together with her ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confusedbella3 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Share Posted May 23, 2010 i just messed up big time and feel really stupid. i sent him a text, then i also responded to his earlier email. he sent me a one liner back, and i responded AGAIN! It seemed fine at the time and natural (i just thought * * * why play games) but in reflection after a few hours i realise i came accross as WAY too eager Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confusedbella3 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Share Posted May 23, 2010 i do not want to get back together but i want us to slowly build a friendship. I am aware that tonight i probably stupidly scared him off big time ... three messages!! before that I was pretty elusive and silent and i think men like that, the chase etc. hopefully he will email one more time to which i obviously wont respond but will equal out tonights contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confusedbella3 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Share Posted May 23, 2010 can i do anything to mend this!???? just go NC for ages? Feel like a lovesick schoolgirl that wrote a novel compared to just a short note from him i feel like i made him see that i am TOTALLY available bad bad bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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