Boyfriend talking to other girl about our problems

[dont_know_what_2_say]

Today I had an argument with me and my boyfriend which started because he got mad at me for wanting to go to sleep. Which escalated to other things. He apologized and told me that it was fine and that I could go to sleep.

 

I did fall asleep but I woke up three hours later to find out he was still awake.

 

I got up to go to the bathroom and as I passed by him I saw he was on facebook chatting with a girl. When I saw it, oh talking to a girl and proceeded to go to the bathroom. When i came back he had closed everything.

 

I then went back to bed and he followed along after. I asked him why he had stopped talking to his friend all fast that it was weird. after a while he confessed he was talking to her about our argument, to ask for advice.

 

I don't like this at all. he told me he felt alone since i was asleep and needed someone to talk to and she was there.

 

I can't help but feel jealous and weird about it. I find it to be kind of emotional cheating in a way. he told me he likes to talk to his girl-friends to get some perspective about his problems.

 

I've never met any of his girl-friends.

 

should i be worried?

 

p.s. this girl he met up with at a school reunion. He's gone to those twice already. i saw pictures of the two of them talking and was like mm but didnt think much of it since it was a reunion. then he added her on facebook and she's been leaving messages on his wall, commenting on his stuff etc.

 

yes jealous

[Speranza]

I would be worried that I hadn't met any of them I think. But it doesn't necessarily mean there's anything to be jealous of, some guys are very into their girl friends. As friends.

 

I would be MORE worried that he has a few women in his life he can talk to easily but you don't sound to be one of them. Do you communicate well or is there a lot of sulking, going quiet, one of you telling the other off (like a parent and a child) etc?

 

Or do you generally get on well, in which case why so quick to feel jealous?

[dont_know_what_2_say]

Thank you for your reply!

 

and yes, there is a lot of sulking and being quiet. After I found out he was talking to this girl who i've never even seen in person before and he's never mentioned ( i only know who she is because of facebook ), I asked him why he felt the need to expose our problems with someone who doesnt seem to be a close friend, instead of talking things out with me.

 

He told me he needed a perspective from someone from the "outside" that wasn't too involved in his life. That he didn't want to talk to me at the moment because he was mad and he didn't want to say things he would regret later on, and the whole thing about feeling alone and needing to talk to someone while i was asleep.

 

Whenever we have an argument he does that a lot. He goes quiet for a long time or changes the subject. The day before we had the same argument and he just tried to ignore it, that's why it showed up today because I wanted to get it out in the open and resolve it instead of just dragging it along and pretend it's not there.

 

We did talk in the end and made up but I didn't like him talking to someone while I was asleep instead of just communicating with me, even if it is to tell me he needs more time to figure things out etc.

 

I don't know, I feel very insecure and what triggered the jealousy was the fact that I was already kind of jealous from just seeing pictures of them talking at the reunion (he never mentioned her when I asked him how it was, he only talked about guys he caught up with). Then him adding her on facebook, and her commenting and writing on his wall. Then after all of this I wake up three hours later (3 am) after an argument, to find him still awake talking to this girl, and then him closing it all fast right after.

 

If they have another reunion, should I go with him and meet this girl and everyone else? or just ask him to introduce me to them? I don't want to drive him away with my insecurities... should I just pretend it doesnt bother me anymore?

[Speranza]

Never 'just pretend' in a relationship.

 

How long have you two been together? What sounds to be happening is that you are both reacting a bit like children instead of being grown-up about your relationship - and kids squabble, sulk and go off to their other friends when things go wrong.

 

Adults talk it through. You may have both set up a pattern here which doesn't bode well unless you both make a conscious effort to change things.

 

Has he invited you to reunions and you haven't gone? If so you can't really complain - if I were you I would go (how many do they HAVE???)

 

Your jealousy is an issue here, and it's not HIS issue to be fair. Jealousy is also a child's problem and it drives wedges down between partners, pushes people away into the arms of others, paints a nasty picture of a person.

 

Why are you jealous? Have you been let down before? Has HE ever given you cause? Is it deep down because you want reassurance?

 

Adults ASK for what they need, they don't manipulate people by sulking and being jealous - you are both playing a dangerous game if you want this to work.

 

I hope you can find ways to talk to him - communication is so important.

[dr_styles]

When you have a blue with someone, how often do they talk with them about it first? Sure it'd be nice if it happened all the time but I'd say in reality, me included, there wouldn't be much motivation to talk to them as the first point of call. Ofcourse you're going to ask friends, friends-in-the-know (in this case the expertise is being a girl) for advice.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Today I had an argument with me and my boyfriend which started because he got mad at me for wanting to go to sleep. Which escalated to other things. He apologized and told me that it was fine and that I could go to sleep.

 

I am kind of stuck on what this whole argument was about. Why was he upset that you wanted to go to sleep? Were you going to sleep because you were tired or because you were trying to avoid something with him? It seems odd to me that sometone would flip out simply because their partner was going to sleep.

[Speranza]

Yes I was wondering that - sort of imagining the rolling over cos you didn't want to talk..? Or do you not agree on how often to have sex? Or were you just tired?

[Brigadoon]

I'm afraid that this sounds exactly like the situation I went through with my now ex. He began turning to a female friend of his when we were having problems without saying anything to me and as it is my belief that she had been attracted to him the entire time that we were together I believe that she played on his fears and advised him to leave me. They ended up together a week after I went NC on him.

On the other hand a male acquaintance of mine was very upset one day after having a huge row with his partner and completely by chance broke down in front of me. I see him only as a friend and gave him the kind of advice that I would have given to someone on ENA. He went home and as I haven't heard anything since I am assuming that he took my advice and did his best to work through their issues.

I suppose that my point is that whatever is going on there completely depends on the relationship between them and the dynamic of that relationship.

In the past I would not have taken it seriously but as I have so recently been burned by this I would advise you to explain the concept of emotional cheating to him and that although it is fine to occasionally need a sounding board for your problems that there are two of you in this relationship and that he can spend all day talking to her with no result but it would only take five minutes to tell you where he's having problems and then you know what you have to work on.

I may be overreacting given my recent experiences but I feel that if this situation were to arise in a new relationship that I would do exactly as I have just advised you to.

[SocialStigma]

I don't think turning to an opposite sex friend when having trouble with your SO constitutes as emotional cheating. Obviously if you and him are fighting, he can't ask your opinion on it so he turns to a friend to ask their view. I did the same when my boyfriend and I were going through a rough patch, I talked to 2 of my guy friends to try and understand what my boyfriend was thinking/feeling. And he talked to his best girl friends to try and understand the situation from a female's POV.

 

Now if he had a bad day at work and turned to his girl friends for comfort before turning to you, that would be a cause for concern.

[catfeeder]

You're discussing him with us, same difference. Be careful of double standards and creating unnecessary problems to divert attention from any real ones.

[sff123]

I have to flat out say that it's not cheating or even wrong to talk to someone of the opposite sex, and on the other hand it's also natural to feel jealous so neither of you are really in the 'wrong', just you can't hold it against him.

[dont_know_what_2_say]

Never 'just pretend' in a relationship.

 

How long have you two been together?

 

We've been together for four months.

 

 

What sounds to be happening is that you are both reacting a bit like children instead of being grown-up about your relationship - and kids squabble, sulk and go off to their other friends when things go wrong.

 

you're right...

 

 

Adults talk it through. You may have both set up a pattern here which doesn't bode well unless you both make a conscious effort to change things.

I know... I talked to him about that yesterday, how we need to improve our communication. What he's told me is that he stays quiet because he doesn't want to say the wrong thing and needs time to cool off I guess, so he doesn't say something he'll regret later. I just told him to let me know that's whats hapenning instead of changing the subject and that I understand.

 

Has he invited you to reunions and you haven't gone? If so you can't really complain - if I were you I would go (how many do they HAVE???)

He hasn't invited me to any of them. The reunions are because they are a small group of people since they went to a private school and it's mostly a catching up years later and having a party. I already told him I wanted to go to the next one ( if there is one).

 

Yesterday his friends came over and we went to another of his friend's house to watch a show. There were other people there including girl-friends and it was fine. I feel like I overreacted the day of the argument because I was already feeling insecure.

 

Your jealousy is an issue here, and it's not HIS issue to be fair. Jealousy is also a child's problem and it drives wedges down between partners, pushes people away into the arms of others, paints a nasty picture of a person.

 

Why are you jealous? Have you been let down before? Has HE ever given you cause? Is it deep down because you want reassurance?

 

The reason why I was acting jealous (and the root of the problem) is the following:

 

I got a cold sore about four weeks ago. I had already told him that I get them every couple of years, and I've been stressed out lately because of unemployment etc. and I guess it triggered it.

 

Anyways, after I got it, he was obviously grossed out about it and kept repeating he didn't want to catch it. I explained to him that as long as he didn't kiss me/ we didn't share utensils he wouldn't. I also told him there was still like 10% chance during the year because of viral shedding. He kept saying he didn't want to get it.

 

The coldsore came and went, and I was left with a red scar because of it. This usually takes months to go away. I told him after four weeks, it was safe to kiss me but he said he wanted the scar to go away and that even if it takes months or years he'd wait to kiss me, that he doesn't want to get it. At this point I felt like a leper and like I had a horrible disease. not a good feeling...(hence the insecurity)

 

I explained to him that there was always a tiny chance that even without an outbreak he might catch it, and that he needed to understand this and figure out what he was gonna do, because I didn't want to give it to him over the years and then he hating me because of it. I told him I understood that if he wanted to be with someone without this it was his right.

 

That's when he changed the subject and pretended like nothing happened which bugged me. To be honest, he was freaking out so much and so determined to not catching it that I thought that he should just tell me what's going on and either move on to someone without this or stay with me but just let me know. I didn't want to become attached with him while he was ignoring the issue and avoiding to kiss me for a year, for him to then decide to end it because of this.

 

The next day, we were on the computer, he was listening to music and I was playing a game. I got tired and decided to go to bed. That's when he got all annoyed at me and told me that "I sucked" (which he then said he meant jokingly), and that "he couldn't believe I was going to bed and leaving him alone". I got very annoyed at him and told him how messed up it was for being mad at me because I was sleepy, that it was the weirdest thing ever, that I was human and getting tired was normal.

 

I tried going to bed but he had guilted me so much about going to sleep that I just couldn't fall asleep. I got up and told him this and he apologized and said he was being selfish. I then was still annoyed and finally told him about the whole cold-sore thing, and to just let me know what's up. What he wants to do. He said he didn't want to talk about it then but that we could talk about it the next day and that I should just go to bed.

 

That's when I got up hours later to find him talking to the girl online. I was already insecure and thinking he was gonna end it with me because of this, so seeing him talking to this girl there 'till 3am, made me think he was getting this girl ready for when he ended it with me( yes paranoid... very insecure...)

Adults ASK for what they need, they don't manipulate people by sulking and being jealous - you are both playing a dangerous game if you want this to work.

 

I hope you can find ways to talk to him - communication is so important.

 

I understand this, and I try to get him to talk but he always tells me he doesn't want to say and needs time. I guess in that time he will always try to consult with friends about the problem to get their point of view and make the right choice.

 

Yesterday after the argument, we talked. He told me it would be silly to end it with me because of a coldsore. He told me he just wanted to be as safe as possible before kissing me after an outbreak. That waiting a month seemed safe to him. That 10% over the year was a very low chance. For some reason he also kept asking me why I had to tell him coldsores are contagious and they're part of the herpes virus. I told him, I had to be honest with him because I didn't want him to catch it blindly and then hate. Better get in the relationship with open eyes and know whats going on. (I thought someone would appreciate this?). I also told him to do the research on his own, just to get a better understanding.

 

Anyways, we're ok now and I really know we need to work on communication. I don't think airing our problems to his friends is that good. I understand he needs to talk to someone but I feel that when he talks to his friends, then they'll see me the next day and I'll look bad or they'll look at me all ew cold sore, I dont know

 

I know some people have said that I'm doing the same thing by coming here. But this is anonymous and not with people I hang out with often that would judge me after I've talked about my problems.

 

I've been on the other side. Being the friend who gives advice about a relationship, and after hearing all the bad traits of a friend's boyfriend, I started not to like him while she still went back to him after each fight. Which was very annoying. I guess I'm afraid that if he always goes to them to talk about the bad things about me when we're fighting, his friends are gonna start hating on me etc. and it'll just create an awkward situation.

 

I feel I've written an autobiography... I guess I wanted to give all the details about what was happening so you could get a better understanding when giving me advice. The first few messages were written in a rush.

 

Thanks everyone for your advice!

[dont_know_what_2_say]

When you have a blue with someone, how often do they talk with them about it first? Sure it'd be nice if it happened all the time but I'd say in reality, me included, there wouldn't be much motivation to talk to them as the first point of call. Ofcourse you're going to ask friends, friends-in-the-know (in this case the expertise is being a girl) for advice.

 

 

I know, you're right. I'm more about talking things out and not getting people involved in our problems. It just creates drama. As I explained in my previous post, I've been the friend giving advice when friends get into arguments or fights with boyfriends. I hear horror stories obviously all one-sided, and end up disliking their partners and feeling awkward when the couple goes back as if nothing happened and I'm the evil one because of my advice.

 

I try to avoid this as much as possible. I guess he needs to talk to someone first because he can tell me how he's feeling.

[dont_know_what_2_say]

Yes I was wondering that - sort of imagining the rolling over cos you didn't want to talk..? Or do you not agree on how often to have sex? Or were you just tired?

 

I was just tired. No rolling over etc. I'm actually the one wanting more sex than him hahaha... so it's not the not having sex. we were hanging out, each one on our computers and I was just tired and said I was gonna call it a night, when he got all annoyed. My first reaction was of disbelief at his annoyance, but we talked it out and it's fine now. He wont do that again...

[dont_know_what_2_say]

I am kind of stuck on what this whole argument was about. Why was he upset that you wanted to go to sleep? Were you going to sleep because you were tired or because you were trying to avoid something with him? It seems odd to me that sometone would flip out simply because their partner was going to sleep.

 

Trust me.. it was odd to me too. I expressed to him how odd I thought it was, and worked it out. In my post quoting Speranza's post, I explained the real reason for the argument.

[geekgirl4]

Your reasoning behind why you don't want him to discuss the issues with friends is understandable, and hopefully you explained that to him. At the same time, you should try to understand that just like you, he also needs someone to give different outlooks on the issue. It can be difficult asking the guy friends because they might not understand the problem. It's a risk you have to gamble, but I think he should be allowed to talk to a few close friends about it (girl or not). You said it yourself that you do the same thing and to be honest we all do it - talk to friends about couple problems to gain perspective. I think the outcome of the bf getting a different perspective and understanding where you're coming from is more important than some friend who jumps to conclusions on someone's personality.

[dont_know_what_2_say]

You're right geekgirl, I was just overreacting and insecure because of the whole coldsore thing, so i jumped to conclusions. It was all my own doing. Everything is good now. We talked things out. thank you

[Miss Firecracker]

He was angry because you wanted to go to bed?

 

Are you buying that line? Either you left something out or he is pulling one on you.

[Miss Firecracker]

link removed

 

You should read this I think. I am seeing a couple of comments in your thread that have my radar up.

[dont_know_what_2_say]

^ after reading that I'm getting a bit paranoid...

I think I'm just gonna choose to trust him and hope it's all me overreacting.

 

He's been very good after the whole argument thing. When we went to his friend's house he was very affectionate and things. He hasn't been acting all weird or anything.

 

I thank you all for the advice!