tangled-web Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 "Oh, the tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive" Sir Walter Scott My lovers wife looks after our children and I have a loving relationship with a man I know will never be committed to me. Sometimes I look at my life and wonder what happened to me, yet this is my life and I have had to make peace with it. I was 24 when I met the man that I fell madly in love with, unfortunately, 10 years before we met, when he was 24 he had met a woman he fell madly in love with and married her. We worked together in advertising sales, spent every day together, went away for work together, talked endlessly about anything and everything. We spent more time together than we did with anyone else, yet never ran out of things to say to each other. He was my dream man- mature, attractive, strong, ambitious, we shared all the same dreams and goals. I was so envious of his life, I wanted it all, the job, the family. I fell for him within months but I never thought that he would feel the same way for me... I was young and naive- I had nothing to offer him and although he talked of his marriage problems, he seemed happy. It was exactly a year from when I joined his team when we went on a business trip to London to close the big contract that we had been working on that entire year, that our emotional affair became physical. We were out celebrating, drinking, dancing and he kissed me. I know it sounds crazy, but I knew right then that this man was going to be a part of my life for the rest of my life. It terrified and excited me. I felt selfish pleasure and dread at what I was participating in, all at the same time. I'm not an unfeeling monster. I fought against it, transferred out of his team, stopped returning his calls. This wasn't easy, the man had been my best friend for a year. Three months later he showed up on my doorstep, he told me he was going to leave his wife, that he loved me and couldn't be without me, fed me the lines of a cheater, as if they were written on cue cards- so easy to believe when you want them to be true. The next 6 years played out exactly like you might imagine them to. He didn't leave his wife, but neither did I push him to. The time was never right for him; they have a son, who was three when we met and he knew she would never let go of him easily. Not because she loves him- theirs is the coldest marriage I have ever known- on both sides- but because she will never let go of the security he provides her, or allow the 'shame' it would bring on them to divorce. On my side, I think I didn't push because I was scared of stepping up and making a commitment. I think, deep down, I liked the way things were. I think we all must have- it was unspoken- but I have no doubt we all knew what was happening- and no one made any attempt to change things! This was the point I fell pregnant. I had been on the pill, but had had several courses of antibiotics in a row and messed up my dates. I was 31 now and had never thought about having children. I was career minded and ambitious, taking time out to have babies had never been an option to me. I didn't realise how much I wanted my daughter until that pregnancy test was positive- having an abortion was not an option. He was very supportive and loving, he wanted the baby too. I loved being a mother, but at the end of my maternity leave, I wanted to return to work. I will never know how it came about, it was between him and her, but the offer came for her to look after Isobella during the day. She was a stay-at-home mum anyway. Our second child, our son Lucas was planned and came two years later, I wanted another baby and felt I had thrown my lot in with him. Again, the offer of child care came and I didn't refuse. And there we are. Lucas is 18 months old now. It is a dysfunctional family we have, but a family none the less. None of us are unhappy, we all fulfil each others needs. No one is lied to any more- although the truth is an unspoken one. I am at work full time and my career has taken off. She is a strange, cold woman, but around children she comes alive, she has always wanted more children but complications in childbirth had meant she couldn't. He looks after both of us- for me he provides emotionally, and for her he provides financially. And all our children grow up together, surrounded by people who love them. It has been nearly 15 years since we met and set this life in motion and I have accepted than my life won't be everything I thought it will be, there will be no wedding bells and no happily ever after. But I look at my beautiful children, and I know in my heart I have loved and been loved deeply, and I struggle to regret any of it. I've been lurking here for a while, since a friend told me about the forum, and now I want to tell my story. I'm not really sure why, because nothing can change the way things have turned out and I'm sure I'll encounter criticism but I think we all feel a certain need to tell our story. And this is, I suppose, a place where people come to tell theirs, and listen to others. Link to comment
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