Another story of the OW

[tangled-web]

"Oh, the tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive" Sir Walter Scott

 

My lovers wife looks after our children and I have a loving relationship with a man I know will never be committed to me. Sometimes I look at my life and wonder what happened to me, yet this is my life and I have had to make peace with it.

 

I was 24 when I met the man that I fell madly in love with, unfortunately, 10 years before we met, when he was 24 he had met a woman he fell madly in love with and married her. We worked together in advertising sales, spent every day together, went away for work together, talked endlessly about anything and everything. We spent more time together than we did with anyone else, yet never ran out of things to say to each other. He was my dream man- mature, attractive, strong, ambitious, we shared all the same dreams and goals. I was so envious of his life, I wanted it all, the job, the family. I fell for him within months but I never thought that he would feel the same way for me... I was young and naive- I had nothing to offer him and although he talked of his marriage problems, he seemed happy.

 

It was exactly a year from when I joined his team when we went on a business trip to London to close the big contract that we had been working on that entire year, that our emotional affair became physical. We were out celebrating, drinking, dancing and he kissed me. I know it sounds crazy, but I knew right then that this man was going to be a part of my life for the rest of my life. It terrified and excited me. I felt selfish pleasure and dread at what I was participating in, all at the same time.

 

I'm not an unfeeling monster. I fought against it, transferred out of his team, stopped returning his calls. This wasn't easy, the man had been my best friend for a year. Three months later he showed up on my doorstep, he told me he was going to leave his wife, that he loved me and couldn't be without me, fed me the lines of a cheater, as if they were written on cue cards- so easy to believe when you want them to be true.

 

The next 6 years played out exactly like you might imagine them to. He didn't leave his wife, but neither did I push him to. The time was never right for him; they have a son, who was three when we met and he knew she would never let go of him easily. Not because she loves him- theirs is the coldest marriage I have ever known- on both sides- but because she will never let go of the security he provides her, or allow the 'shame' it would bring on them to divorce. On my side, I think I didn't push because I was scared of stepping up and making a commitment. I think, deep down, I liked the way things were. I think we all must have- it was unspoken- but I have no doubt we all knew what was happening- and no one made any attempt to change things!

 

This was the point I fell pregnant. I had been on the pill, but had had several courses of antibiotics in a row and messed up my dates. I was 31 now and had never thought about having children. I was career minded and ambitious, taking time out to have babies had never been an option to me. I didn't realise how much I wanted my daughter until that pregnancy test was positive- having an abortion was not an option. He was very supportive and loving, he wanted the baby too.

 

I loved being a mother, but at the end of my maternity leave, I wanted to return to work. I will never know how it came about, it was between him and her, but the offer came for her to look after Isobella during the day. She was a stay-at-home mum anyway. Our second child, our son Lucas was planned and came two years later, I wanted another baby and felt I had thrown my lot in with him. Again, the offer of child care came and I didn't refuse.

 

And there we are. Lucas is 18 months old now. It is a dysfunctional family we have, but a family none the less. None of us are unhappy, we all fulfil each others needs. No one is lied to any more- although the truth is an unspoken one. I am at work full time and my career has taken off. She is a strange, cold woman, but around children she comes alive, she has always wanted more children but complications in childbirth had meant she couldn't. He looks after both of us- for me he provides emotionally, and for her he provides financially. And all our children grow up together, surrounded by people who love them.

 

It has been nearly 15 years since we met and set this life in motion and I have accepted than my life won't be everything I thought it will be, there will be no wedding bells and no happily ever after. But I look at my beautiful children, and I know in my heart I have loved and been loved deeply, and I struggle to regret any of it.

 

I've been lurking here for a while, since a friend told me about the forum, and now I want to tell my story. I'm not really sure why, because nothing can change the way things have turned out and I'm sure I'll encounter criticism but I think we all feel a certain need to tell our story. And this is, I suppose, a place where people come to tell theirs, and listen to others.

[Dako]

Thank you for such a well-written and insightful post. So often the OW or OM comes off as self-righteous or deluded. I certainly hope ENA can put themselves in you shoes and offer kindness beyond contempt.

 

Sure, you did something reprehensible, but those kids are real people. I hope your dilemma has a decent transition.

 

You have a rough road.

[Tanzi]

Wow, I really expected not to like what I was about to read and to possibly feel contempt for its author .... the "OW" who has the cheek to seek support! However that isn't the case. Your post certainly was very well written and very insightful. It proves you don't have to be a bad person to make a bad decision. We can't help who we fall in love even if its against our will and goes against our own morals. Admittedly your situation isn't ideal and not one that the majority of us could live with. I personally think it would have been better for your lover to have left his wife so that she could have eventually met someone who would have loved her as she deserves to be loved and who she can love in return but it is the way it is.

 

Thankyou for sharing your story.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds to me like he has the best deal. I am sure he is sleeping with his wife as well and that the marriage is not as cold as he claims it to be. I find it sad when women think that sharing a man is better than having no man. Not just you, but his wife...both of you are sloppy seconds to this man's ego.

[OptomisticGirl]

Although well written and you do seem happy, I couldn't be. To me although you may be happy now, it just seems like, literally, you are settling for this life. If he loved you he wouldn't care what his wife thought or the stigma of divorce.

 

He's pretty much having his cake and eating it too and you both are allowing it.

 

But, who am I to pass judgment? To each his own happiness. It's going to be weird to explain to the kids later on.

[LBP]

Appraise the possibilities. Assess which of them present will be the most hurtful in the long run. I guess that those would be the ones that will most affect your children. You have a better idea than I do of this situation, but even from a distance I can imagine a few scenarios. Your decision, whatever that may be, whatever it is that is possible, should be weighted against the most hurtful outcome.

 

My opinion:

 

A man who says that he will do one thing and then lacks the courage to do it is unlikely to be a good relationship candidate. This is not true in 100% of cases, but it is a fair rule of thumb. It seems likely that this will come to a head, but it is conceivable that a convenient relationship could continue. In that light, whatever consequences that will come shall do so in later years.

 

I'll reserve suggesting a course of action until you reveal these relevant pieces of information: Do the children know the identity of their father? What is their relationship, one way or the other? How much older is he?

 

Try not to feel too hurt by the condemnation that you may receive.

[tangled-web]

I appreciate all the comments and I'll try to address them as best I can. I guess I'm here to show that sometimes non-traditional situations CAN work, and do to that I have to explain myself.

 

Sounds to me like he has the best deal. I am sure he is sleeping with his wife as well and that the marriage is not as cold as he claims it to be. I find it sad when women think that sharing a man is better than having no man. Not just you, but his wife...both of you are sloppy seconds to this man's ego.

 

Crazyaboutdogs- I do appreciate your input, however the fact that it is based entirely on an assumption on this man's character, which you don't know, it makes it easy for me to address. I might have felt the same way about his relationship with his wife (and often did, for many years), but I always trusted in his description of her and their relationship, and since she has been looking after my children I have got to know her and realised, without doubt, that he never lied to me.

 

I personally think it would have been better for your lover to have left his wife so that she could have eventually met someone who would have loved her as she deserves to be loved and who she can love in return

 

I won't go so far as to say that his wife and I are 'friends', but we have come to know and understand each other, we spend time together and we talk. She has told me herself, with a straight face that she sees no point in having sex, for anything other than to have children, and as she can't have any more then she doesn't care if she never has it again. I believe that if he had left her, she would have remained alone. His son was 3 when I met him- and that had been when their physical relationship had ended- you can't say he hadn't put the time and effort in to for things to change? She has been in and out of therapy, but she never commits to it- she doesn't think there is anything wrong with the way she is, and who's to tell her there IS anything wrong with it? But her choice to live sexless and without intimacy, wasn't his choice too.

 

She is amazing and devoted to the children, I envy that quality in her, it's in a way I can't be, I am just too career minded. When she is with them she is vibrant and sparkly, when she is with her friends she is confident and outgoing, but with anyone else, she is stone cold. She only seeks the company of other women, and only other women with children. Her only friends are the wealthy wives of other businessmen, lawyers, doctors etc. and they 'lunch', take the children out together, bake??! It's these women than she feels she has to maintain the illusion of a happy marriage in front of.

 

If he loved you he wouldn't care what his wife thought or the stigma of divorce.

He's pretty much having his cake and eating it too

A man who says that he will do one thing and then lacks the courage to do it is unlikely to be a good relationship candidate

 

These are fair points, but let me explain the way I see it. His marriage has not turned out to be the way he thought it would be, his wife has not turned out to be the women he thought she was, but he loved her once and made a commitment to her, and I am sure that in one way or another he will always love her. His marriage vows DO mean something to him, she is a fragile woman, who has been through a lot and he doesn't want to take everything away from her. I struggle to find this a deplorable character flaw.

 

His life is not easy, it's not a 'cake-fest' of having everything he wants, and out of all of us, I feel he actually sacrifices the most. He gives up being with the woman he loves, to care for the woman he married. He does his best to meet both our needs and is constantly splitting himself in two. I don't expect anyone to feel bad for him, his life is what he's made it, but I don't like this image of him lording it over us and having it all his way. If either of us wanted out of our situation we could get out- we could make him choose- but we don't. I love this man, for his qualities and his flaws, we share an intimacy, openness and understanding that most people only dream of. It is love, it is love in the only way that I know it.

 

Appraise the possibilities.

 

Let me examine my options for you as I see them:

Option 1- I force him to choose and leave his wife and he comes to live with me. There will be a costly divorce and he'll probably give her even more than she asks for because he'll want her to be comfortable, which I would agree with. I would have to withdraw my children from her care, which along with the divorce would be painful for all the children, particularly his 15 year old son with his wife, who will be old enough to understand what is going on. I would have to quit work to be a stay at home mum- because although we earn good money, full time child care wouldn't be an option- besides, I would want my children to be with someone who loves them- not just a paid nanny. She would be shunned from her social group, if not actually, then in her perception, although I fear her fears are not unfounded. She'd be isolated. By doing this, he becomes less of the man I thought he was- we would both be unhappy- and who's to say these two unhappy people will be able be able to hold a relationship together anyway.

Option 2- I remove myself from the situation and leave him. It plays out much the same, except I lose the man I love, my children lose their father and he stays in an unhappy marriage!

Option 3- If there is one, I've failed to identify it!

 

I'll reserve suggesting a course of action until you reveal these relevant pieces of information: Do the children know the identity of their father? What is their relationship, one way or the other? How much older is he?

 

To answer your questions, my children do not call him daddy, but he is their father figure in every way. He is a loving, caring and devoted father to all of his children and he treats them all equally. He spends time with them, takes them out, cares for them, changes nappies, does everything that needs doing. He is 10 years older than me.

 

We have a long road ahead of us, and I don't have all the details worked out, like what I will tell my children when they are old enough to ask questions, but with the love, support and communication we share, I feel confident we can jump the hurdles as they are presented to us.

 

 

PS. I can't edit my first post but I just realised I put 15 years instead of 12... that was just a typo!

[offplanet]

If its working out ok for you all, who is anyone else to judge?

[savignon]

So the kids don't know who their father is? Does the wife know they are his children? If it's all open and everyone's happy, then that's one thing. But deceiving the wife and eventually the kids precludes everyone being "happy" when not everyone has all of the information. I know for me that having a part-time lover and father-"figure" for my kids who couldn't openly BE their father would not work for me. I will not presume that it wouldn't work for anyone as everyone has their own bar for personal fulfillment and satisfaction with life. I wonder if the wife has enough information to make her own decision about her happiness...? It would be a shame (and an outrage, imho) if the 2 of you have decided for her what she is entitled to know and assume she's happy with it.

Best wishes.

[OptomisticGirl]

Why do they not call him dad? He is their father, why not call him that. If its such a huge happy family the kids should know the truth. I think its going to hurt them in the long run.

[savignon]

Of course it will hurt the kids when they find out that their "Father figure" is actually their father, their playmates are their siblings, their babysitter is their father's wife and their mother is a mistress.

Clearly the best interest of the kids are not being thought out in the self-interest of the parents.

What a shame for the kids.

[civilservant]

All I can say is, regardless of how happy you are, these children are heading for therapy when they're older. Chidren take their idea of relationships from the demonstrations of their parents and yours is, to be frank, a total mess.

[Ellie2006]

I know for me that having a part-time lover and father-"figure" for my kids who couldn't openly BE their father would not work for me.

 

^ This.

 

If everything is out in the open as you say (and if you and his wife are on such good terms), why is it that you three are trying to maintain the traditional family structure? Have you considered some kind of arrangement where you dont have be alienated from the family unit as the OW?

 

I am sorry if I sound judgmental but when does being articulate excuse someone for their wrongdoings?

 

I am sure things have not been easy for you, him, and her, and I *can* sympathize but I still cant help but think you three are extremely selfish. At least you three get some kind of "payoff" from this "unhappy arrangement" -- her the title of devoted wife/mother & financial support, him the love of two women and control over both, and you the preservation of your twisted notions of romantic love.

 

My sincerest sympathy lies with your your children who have to deal with the fallout of this dysfunctional threesome.

 

My two cents.

[OptomisticGirl]

That's pretty much what it is, Ellie2006 nailed it on the head. You are pretty much having an emotional threesome.

[savignon]

The OP says in her original post "no one is lied to anymore-although the truth is unspoken".

???

I can't imagine how the kids will see the world when they learn their entire basis for reality is a big, staged production. May they be blessed when they begin to heal their unspoken truths.

[tangled-web]

I think it is all too easy to look at a situation and think because it wouldn't work for you- it shouldn't work for anyone. The traditional view of a 'family' is long gone, we are a broken society, full of people desperately trying to salvage something that probably never existed.

 

I know people who have grown up in broken homes where their parents are divorced, or where there parents stayed together 'for the sake of the kids', where there were arguments, where there was violence, where there were affairs- and they are all equally messed up! I know people who grew up in totally happy family homes who are messed up. Then there's the people who grew up in chaos and turn out to be strong, independent and resourceful. We are giving our children as good chance as any!

 

My children don't call him dad because it simply wouldn't work. Her friends and family would find out and it would force a situation that I've already described the reasons why we are against. There are many men out there called 'dad' who aren't worth the title, and many step-fathers out there called by their name who are admirable. What is important is the way he treats them and his love for them.

 

I find it difficult to believe that my children are better off with no father at all than with a strong, stable, if untraditional father figure.

 

Right now my children are 3 years and 18 months old, we have a long time yet to work out where to go from here.

 

His wife knows that they are his children, besides that she would have to be a total idiot to have not worked it out, and I don't believe that of her, he DID tell her, when I was first pregnant. They talked about it, they talked about him leaving, but she concluded that there was no way she was going to let him leave, and carried on as if nothing happened. She was totally cold, she had no emotional reaction to it what-so-ever. She doesn't love him, and doesn't much care if he is around at all, as long as he doesn't leave and she can maintain her life.

 

I get to spend a lot of time with him, with him and my children. His son is 15 now and he is a perfectly stable, happy child- ridiculously clever and talented, he accepts me as part of his life without question. Children don't automatically question what they know, adults question what they don't understand.

 

I don't need telling we have explaining to do to our children in the future, but they will be raised open minded and tolerant and I hope they will understand. I can't see there is a huge amount of difference than for example telling an adopted child that they are adopted?

[shhh]

* warm hugs

[civilservant]

Tangled you have to accept that telling this story, on a board full of people that have been (generally) screwed over by their ex, was only ever going to garner a majority negative reaction.

[teabee]

No one is getting hurt and it looks like the kids are well-loved and getting everything they need. This seems to work, it's not your typical OW story, and I personally have no issue with your situation.

[tangled-web]

Tangled you have to accept that telling this story, on a board full of people that have been (generally) screwed over by their ex, was only ever going to garner a majority negative reaction.

 

I can understand that. But there is such a thing as understanding the other side, it's a rule I live by and I find it makes life easier to live with.

[savignon]

I think it's hard for most women to imagine being happy as the wife whose husband openly has kids with his girlfriend or being the girlfriend and being happy with being "on the side" for lack of a better word. So while people try to understand your perspective, it's hard (for me, anyways) to put myself in your or her shoes and find it a good fit. Doesn't mean that doesn't work for you, as you said. God knows there are things about my life that other people would not envy or desire.

If everyone is "in the know" and okay with it, then there's no harm to the adults.

Best wishes.

[OptomisticGirl]

I think it's hard for most women to imagine being happy as the wife whose husband openly has kids with his girlfriend or being the girlfriend and being happy with being "on the side" for lack of a better word. So while people try to understand your perspective, it's hard (for me, anyways) to put myself in your or her shoes and find it a good fit. Doesn't mean that doesn't work for you, as you said. God knows there are things about my life that other people would not envy or desire.

If everyone is "in the know" and okay with it, then there's no harm to the adults.

Best wishes.

 

I agree. While I know it would never work for me I know that for some, it could. I just can't fathom willingly being on the side, never to be the love of your life's wife just bc his first wife is afraid of the stigma of divorce or openly displaying who my children's father is bc of the scandal it will cause.

 

My question is which is worse: people learning he had an affair and getting a divorce or someone realizing he is still married, has a mistress, and his wife baby sits the kids of him and his mistress? If the stigmabof divorce scares his wife I can only imaging what that will do when it comes out.

 

And it will. Always does.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree. While I know it would never work for me I know that for some, it could. I just can't fathom willingly being on the side, never to be the love of your life's wife just bc his first wife is afraid of the stigma of divorce or openly displaying who my children's father is bc of the scandal it will cause.

 

My question is which is worse: people learning he had an affair and getting a divorce or someone realizing he is still married, has a mistress, and his wife baby sits the kids of him and his mistress? If the stigmabof divorce scares his wife I can only imaging what that will do when it comes out.

 

And it will. Always does.

 

I agree...it always comes out...and when it does the children are going to be humiliated. In the end some of those children will end up living this same dysfunctional dynamic in their own adult relationships.

[LBP]

I agree...it always comes out...and when it does the children are going to be humiliated. In the end some of those children will end up living this same dysfunctional dynamic in their own adult relationships.

 

I don't think they'll be humiliated, but they will certainly feel a lot of confusion. The kids could well have a functional upbringing... Now, the weird part will be when the kids learn that their playmates are in fact half-brothers/sisters. Worst case scenario would be two of them falling in love or experimenting or something equally unpleasant. I can foresee it working out, but it seems like a wild and unnecessary risk. It'd be better suited to have this thing be a polygamist sort of deal. I mean, it sort of is, but with artificial barriers so that it isn't called that. Too much man to go around! He's living the dream!

 

I'm sorry, that wasn't sensitive. Are y'all Brits? Is this one of those things where it's okay to be untoward as long as it isn't spoken of?

[Ellie2006]

Tangled you have to accept that telling this story, on a board full of people that have been (generally) screwed over by their ex, was only ever going to garner a majority negative reaction.

 

er, if you're referring to me, no, my response does NOT derive from being "screwed over by an ex." Dont assume I can't understand the situation (or feel sympathy) just bc I am not pouring out the "oh poor you, yes, this is your situation and it works for you, so dont let anyone tell you you're in the wrong."

 

Nevertheless, I am NOT suggesting that we pile on criticism after criticism, judgment after judgment on the poster. But I disagree that "no one is getting hurt." The OP is hurting, isnt she? The wife is too, and so is her husband. And even the *seemingly* well-adjusted son. The OP says that she is on friendly terms with their son -- how do you know? Have you read posts on here that describe how devastated they are after they learn that their father/mother is a cheater? And to rub that in his son's face by making his son meet you face to face? Frankly, I think your bf is quite cruel.

 

I acknowledge that each situation is different but just because this does not sound like a "typical" OW story, that doesnt mean the same dynamics are at play here.

 

 

But I suppose that's neither here nor there to the OP.

 

I think it is all too easy to look at a situation and think because it wouldn't work for you- it shouldn't work for anyone. The traditional view of a 'family' is long gone, we are a broken society, full of people desperately trying to salvage something that probably never existed.

 

[...]

 

I don't need telling we have explaining to do to our children in the future, but they will be raised open minded and tolerant and I hope they will understand. I can't see there is a huge amount of difference than for example telling an adopted child that they are adopted?

 

Who said that your children will be screwed up beyond repair because of your situation? I dont think that's what I said.

 

Sure, they will be confused (as another poster said) but whether they get through that confusion relatively unscathed depends on how the parents (or the parental figures) help them process that confusion. If you feel like you three are up to that task, then that's great (and I say that without an iota of sarcasm).

 

BUT you are not the only one who has a hand in the rearing of your children. You already said that your children can't call their dad dad because of how it may appear to the neighbors. While it's wonderful you are proving your children with "open-mindedness and tolerance," that is not the only perspective of your relationship they will be privy to. But I am sure you are aware of that already.

 

I personally have no problem with your situation. Who among us is perfect? I certainly am not. So I wouldnt expect an unspotted moral record from others.

 

By the same token, who among us is NOT susceptible to judgment? We all say people shouldnt judge but we all do it. So all of us are vulnerable to judgment whether we like it or not. If people are going to "judge" me for being "judgmental," then so be it.

 

As I said above, while I am sympathetic, I DO judge you for trying to paint this situation as some kind of a tragic love story and yourself as the heroine of some elegiac saga. You're acting as if you're caught within the plotline of this fictional story and you have no way of remedying the situation. You aren't a tragic heroine of some sentimental novel. And you can change the situation (for the better) for you and your children, if you want to. The question is, do you want to?