mrshuma Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 Hello everyone, I am so thankful to have found this website and have spent all day go through hundreds of posts... What I want to know is; Is NC better then LC if I am wanting to reconcile? People have different opinions but it seems from the majority of posts I have read the consensus is that if you are wanting to reconcile NC isn't the tool? Perhaps if I give you a summary of my situation it may help explain things better. This is just very difficult and I have never had to deal with anything remotely close to this in my life. Let me preface this by saying that this was my first love and I had never been in a serious relationship before this one. I was 26 at the time we started our relationship. I am now 33 and my ex is 27, we met online about 9 years ago but didn't get into a relationship until a couple of years later. So up until 3 days ago we had been living together for almost 7 years. We weren't engaged, we obviously had talked about it many times and always talked about how we would be together forever, etc. There were many periods when we talked about where we would get married, etc but then there would also be other periods where she would say things like "I don't know if I ever want to be married, etc, my mom has been divorced 4 times so it scares me" and things like "I don't want to be 45 and wake up one day and regret it" so when I would hear these things it wouldn't motivate me to run and get a ring so that is why we weren't engaged. I would tell her, I don't want to get engaged just to get engaged, if I am going to propose it will be to eventually get married. Personally I always thought we would be together, I mean we deeply loved each other and she was/is my family. When your with someone together for 7 years I'm sure everyone understands how close we are/were. Well 3 days ago she tells me that she needs a break to see if she can be out on her own, and be independent. We've had problems over the course of our relationship but never really been close to actually breaking up. She says our relationship was "comfortable" and it felt like we were roomates or brothers and sisters. She loves me deeply but is not "in love with me". She says its not a total break but that at this point she needs her space to think and to be on her own. After this happened I was in shock and just didn't want to be there. So I left to go back to my parents out of state. She says she is going to move out of the condo we share and get her own place, she is going to sell our belongings and we will split the profit 50/50. She just says she has a plan and she is sticking to it. She needs this time alone, to think everything over, etc." Well before finding this forum, I made the mistake yesterday in talking to her and pleading to try and save our relationship, its been 7 years etc and I just don't think we both did everything we could to save our relationship. We talked for a few hours and it seemed as though she really was listening to me and sort of softening her stance, but she was now saying perhaps she would stay in our condo and not sell all our belongings etc she just wasn't sure but had to make up her mind because she would have to move before the end of the month. One thing she wouldn't waver on is that she needs her time alone and to see if she can do it by herself. She has NEVER been alone before as we have been together since she was 20 and before that she lived with roomates at college. So that is how we left it yesterday. She sent me an email this morning saying that she was glad we talked and we should take a few days to think. I am just completely devastated by all of this, I cannot eat, sleep. This has been the only girl I have ever been with and I just can't picture life without her!! I just don't want to make a mistake, I really want to save this relationship but she was the one who wanted to break up/take a break not me and from what I have been reading NC is the way to go. BUT I fear that if I go the NC route we will drift away and then she will think that I am no longer interested and will move on. I know I'm not the one who broke off the relationship so she knows I care about her I just don't want this to backfire and I have read other things saying that NC should only be used when its time to move on as it rarely works at reconciling. I just don't know what to do and who to turn to. I don't have many friends that I can speak to about this, and the ones that I have talked to have given me different advice. I do realize that its not healthy to sit around and be depressed so I have to start getting my life back together. What do you guys/gals recommend? Should I talk to her one more time and tell her that I am going NC to respect her wishes for SPACE and then what? What happens if I do NC for 30 days and she starts contacting me and I keep ignoring her won't that upset her and she will stop calling? I'm at a loss, I know she broke it off for me so the relationship we had is over BUT I just cannot believe that she is completely DONE with this maybe its wishful thinking but I think its more of a wake up call to me to get our relationship back to what it was. That is my opinion not anything she has said. I also want to note that I am 100% sure this isn't because of another guy. If there is anything else you guys need to know please ask, this is a crucial time so I would like opinions on how I should proceed... I am so glad I found this forum and it has made me feel a bit better knowing that someone is out there that can help me through this!!! Link to comment
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