I am desperate, to NC or not?

[mrshuma]

Hello everyone, I am so thankful to have found this website and have spent all day go through hundreds of posts...

 

What I want to know is; Is NC better then LC if I am wanting to reconcile? People have different opinions but it seems

from the majority of posts I have read the consensus is that if you are wanting to reconcile NC isn't the tool?

 

Perhaps if I give you a summary of my situation it may help explain things better. This is just very difficult and I have never

had to deal with anything remotely close to this in my life.

 

Let me preface this by saying that this was my first love and I had never been in a serious relationship before this one. I was 26 at the time we started

our relationship.

 

I am now 33 and my ex is 27, we met online about 9 years ago but didn't get into a relationship until a couple of years later. So up until 3 days ago

we had been living together for almost 7 years. We weren't engaged, we obviously had talked about it many times and always talked about how

we would be together forever, etc. There were many periods when we talked about where we would get married, etc but then there would also be

other periods where she would say things like "I don't know if I ever want to be married, etc, my mom has been divorced 4 times so it scares me"

and things like "I don't want to be 45 and wake up one day and regret it" so when I would hear these things it wouldn't motivate me to run and get a ring

so that is why we weren't engaged. I would tell her, I don't want to get engaged just to get engaged, if I am going to propose it will be to eventually get married.

Personally I always thought we would be together, I mean we deeply loved each other and she was/is my family. When your with someone together for 7 years

I'm sure everyone understands how close we are/were.

 

Well 3 days ago she tells me that she needs a break to see if she can be out on her own, and be independent. We've had problems over the course of our relationship

but never really been close to actually breaking up. She says our relationship was "comfortable" and it felt like we were roomates or brothers and sisters. She loves me

deeply but is not "in love with me". She says its not a total break but that at this point she needs her space to think and to be on her own. After this happened I was in shock

and just didn't want to be there. So I left to go back to my parents out of state. She says she is going to move out of the condo we share and get her own place, she is going to sell

our belongings and we will split the profit 50/50. She just says she has a plan and she is sticking to it. She needs this time alone, to think everything over, etc."

Well before finding this forum, I made the mistake yesterday in talking to her and pleading to try and save our relationship, its been 7 years etc and I just don't think we both did

everything we could to save our relationship. We talked for a few hours and it seemed as though she really was listening to me and sort of softening her stance, but she was now saying

perhaps she would stay in our condo and not sell all our belongings etc she just wasn't sure but had to make up her mind because she would have to move before the end of the month.

One thing she wouldn't waver on is that she needs her time alone and to see if she can do it by herself. She has NEVER been alone before as we have been together since she was 20

and before that she lived with roomates at college. So that is how we left it yesterday. She sent me an email this morning saying that she was glad we talked and we should take a few days to think.

 

I am just completely devastated by all of this, I cannot eat, sleep. This has been the only girl I have ever been with and I just can't picture life without her!!

 

I just don't want to make a mistake, I really want to save this relationship but she was the one who wanted to break up/take a break not me and from what I have been reading NC is the way to go.

BUT I fear that if I go the NC route we will drift away and then she will think that I am no longer interested and will move on. I know I'm not the one who broke off the relationship so she knows I care about her

I just don't want this to backfire and I have read other things saying that NC should only be used when its time to move on as it rarely works at reconciling. I just don't know what to do and who to turn to.

I don't have many friends that I can speak to about this, and the ones that I have talked to have given me different advice. I do realize that its not healthy to sit around and be depressed so I have to start getting

my life back together.

 

What do you guys/gals recommend? Should I talk to her one more time and tell her that I am going NC to respect her wishes for SPACE and then what? What happens if I do NC for 30 days and she starts contacting me and I keep ignoring her won't that upset her and she will stop calling? I'm at a loss, I know she broke it off for me so the relationship we had is over BUT I just cannot believe that she is completely DONE with this maybe its wishful thinking but I think its more of a wake up call to me to get our relationship back to what it was. That is my opinion not anything she has said. I also want to note that I am 100% sure this isn't because of another guy.

 

If there is anything else you guys need to know please ask, this is a crucial time so I would like opinions on how I should proceed...

 

I am so glad I found this forum and it has made me feel a bit better knowing that someone is out there that can help me through this!!!

[blueeyedme]

I think you need to respect her wishes and give her a little space. Sounds like you had a good conversation and she said to give her a few days to think. You also need to give her some time to miss you and feel what life is without you. NC doesn't necessarily mean forever. I recommend not having any additional contact with her for a week and see if she contacts you - not even a note to tell her your not going to talk to her for a week. If you have not heard from her then I would contact her so see if you can talk...you will know what do do then. Unfortunately if it's over, there is nothing you can do but heal yourself.

[mercurial100]

Hi Mate,

 

First of all, welcome to the club - it's great here but none of us actually want to be here!

 

Secondly, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was with my girl for two years, she was my first love and i had been after her for 4 years prior to us actually going out. We moved in together almost straight away and I can honestly say we had the best 2 years of my life...I loved it. We were due to move into a new house and on the day we were due to move in she told me she was bored, wanted space, wasn't sure what she was doing, her head was in a mess and that was that. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, infact I was shaking I was that anxious (I had to take valium to calm me down!) but trust me when I say I know how you feel.

 

I am not sure whether you have read the Grass Is Greener thread - if you haven't I would read it - it's here...this described my situation perfectly and I would guess it will be pretty accurate for you too:

 

 

 

Have you told this girl how much you love her and how much you want to spend your future with her? If not then I suggest you do it, if you have already done it then don't keep doing it.

 

My advice now would be to go no contact. You say that by you going NC it may push her away but it won't. Think about reversing the situation..If you were the dumper but wanted her back would you just give up or would you try and make it work? Exactly...if she wants you she will come and find you, if she doesn't then you have your answer.

 

She has asked for space and you MUST give it her. To be honest if you are like me you will have so many different emotions during the next two weeks (i'm only three weeks in) but I am now at a stage where I dont want her back.

 

Have a read of this website..it may not help at the moment but save it as a fav' and as and when things get tough, as days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months read it as and when...It will really help you.

 

I am only three weeks in but I feel SO much better than I did three weeks ago - I have been NC for 14 days tomorrow and I still have massive low moments but I am eating again, I am starting to sleep much better and by taking it a day at a time I know I can move on.

 

If someone asks for space then you need to give it to them...I really hope things sort themselves out and within a couple of days she changes her mind but I wouldn't count on it...It hurts me to say that because I relate it to myself but it's the truth...very few come back.

 

We're all here to support you mate. Stay strong, think of number one and this dark cloud will lift.

[michaelhopes]

I hate being the black cloud here, and please dont freak after I say this but....

You have to allow the possibility that your girlfriend either has cheated on you, is cheating on you or wants to cheat on you.......

You can find 100+ posts on this forum with guys in a very similar situation with the same excuses coming from their girlfriend. They all end the same way.

Find me a post with a different outcome and I'll modify my opinion.

For the best possible outcome (for you) you must go 100% No Contact, assume its over and move on.

Ask yourself why do you want to be with someone that doesnt want to be with you?

[mrshuma]

michaelhopes: There may be a chance that its "wanting to cheat on me" but I don't know. I know she broke up with me/or wants a break, I guess I just don't understand how she can throw away 7 years just like this. We didn't have any major problems, and even after 24 hours her stance did change even if it was slightly. Maybe I am just being nieve though.

 

mercurial: thank you so much, after reading some of the GIGS thread I believe that this sounds exactly what happened to me;

 

I love you, but I'm not in love with you.

Everything has been comfortable for awhile now

I can't marry my best friend

I don't know if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life

 

I just don't understand how this is happening, it does seem though that no contact may be the way to go. I know we aren't together I just never imagined a life without her so this has simply devastated me. The conversation yesterday did make me feel a bit better but in the end, she still wants her space so really nothing has changed.

[michaelhopes]

You have to show her exactly what life is without you.....

NOT what life is like looking for someone else with Mr Shuma as a backup plan.

100% NC. She can find you if she really wants to.

I suggest checking out Superdaves threads......

[mrshuma]

michaelhopes; after the last conversation we had yesterday and her email telling me we should think things over the next couple of days, do I simply start NC NOW without saying anything else? Or do I call her one last time and tell her that its best we don't have contact, etc..?

 

I have read some of the other threads but most people say don't use the NC to get your ex back do you because you are moving on, that is what confused me because I am not at that point.

 

But its becoming obvious now that keeping in contact even once in awhile will probably make things worse.

 

She is the one who broke up with me and she knows how much I care about her so she is going to get a pretty big shock when I pull the NC card as she will definitely not expect that!!

[mercurial100]

This is going to seem like i'm trying to put a downer on it for you and kill your help but: my ex was EXACTLY the same. Infact she has never once told me it was over..she told me time and time again she was sure she was making the biggest mistake of her life...but she still made it. I think she was only doing that to make me feel guilty..mine even told my parents and friends over a meal TWO DAYS before we ended it that she loved me...which was obviously rubbish.

 

However I dont know your girl like you do..I could tell with mine it was over (body language and I could even see it in her eyes) so deep down you probably know the truth.

[mrshuma]

mercurial, you make a lot of sense, I mean its wishful thinking I don't know 100% certainty that its completely over.

 

Something I didn't mention earlier when this happened a few days ago, she was only talking about a "break", I kept telling her I don't believe that 2 people who are supposed to love each other and have been together for 7 years sharing a place should just take a break. Then I said to her that if I end leaving having to go out of state to my parents, etc that I don't know what would happen because I just couldn't handle time apart, etc. It was a heat of moment thing and I guess a test to see if she would blink. So when I left and she didn't stop me that sent me reeling and I knew this was very serious...

[michaelhopes]

She is the one who broke up with me and she knows how much I care about her

Exactly... dont forget that and you dont have to remind her, and dont make up excuses to remind her.

she is going to get a pretty big shock when I pull the NC card as she will definitely not expect that!!

Exactly....She will look in her toy box and ??????? where did Mr Shuma go??

Not saying be rude or anything like that. You will talk to her soon enough because either you will cave in to one of her cries for attention or she will find some sneaky way of getting a hold of you. But try to stay NC as best as you can. You have to protect yourself now.

And one more time----

You have to show her exactly what life is without you.....

NOT what life is like looking for someone else with Mr Shuma as a backup plan.

[mrshuma]

michaelhopes: thank you - I know each situation is unique but because this has happened does this mean that the relationship is ruined? I mean if I do the NC for a month and then we talked again, etc. maybe at that point or somewhere down the road I would be the one who was bitter that she did this to me, etc. I don't know, part of me just seems that things will never be the same again because of this. From your experience, is it possible that if we did get back together things could be better or are the chances slim?

[michaelhopes]

Something I didn't mention earlier when this happened a few days ago, she was only talking about a "break", I kept telling her I don't believe that 2 people who are supposed to love each other and have been together for 7 years sharing a place should just take a break. Then I said to her that if I end leaving having to go out of state to my parents, etc that I don't know what would happen because I just couldn't handle time apart, etc. It was a heat of moment thing and I guess a test to see if she would blink. So when I left and she didn't stop me that sent me reeling and I knew this was very serious...

 

My friend.....this is how utterly screwed this krap is.......

When you said these things you were thinking "I'm trying to save the relationship"

She was thinking "here's my out"......

 

NO way you could have forseen or prevented this krap

100% NC

[mercurial100]

It's impossible for things to be the same again mate, I'm sorry, but it's the truth.

 

I also have no doubt whatsoever that one day she will come running back to you. At the moment that sounds appealing but as time goes on you WILL start to realise the magnitude of what she has done to you. The pain you feel and will continue to feel until you move forward will be blamed on her and you will start to ask yourself how she could have done this to you and how she could do this to you if she did really love you - and therein lies the problem. She doesn't love you, she's not "in love" with you.

 

It's not the relationship you are fighting for, it's love..and once that has gone you are fighting a losing battle. One day she will realise that she does actually love you, but for your sake, I hope this comes after you have moved on.

[mrshuma]

mercurial - thank you mate. I have just never been close with another woman other then her and I am 33 years old. She was my first love and she is perfect in soooo many ways. She knows all of this and I am sure she believes that I would take her back in a second down the line so she really isn't losing me. She knows how much I value her and knows I am a shy person so I am not likely to meet someone else! I don't know I guess I'm not thinking clearly right now lol, I have so many things running through my mind. At least this thread is helping!!!

[mercurial100]

I am literally two weeks down the same road as you...I know exactly how you feel. I also know that whatever you read on here you won't believe. You won't believe you will start to get angry with her, you won't believe you will start to feel better, you won't believe you will have good days and you won't believe that you can move on...I didn't (and if I am honest still don't some days) but day by day I get better.

 

I'm sure she is perfect is sooo many ways and so was mine. Unfortunately mine didn't love me which is quite a major flaw..infact it's that large that it ended our relationship, has caused me to go completely NC and has given me no other option but to move on.

 

If your girl was sooo perfect she wouldn't need a break, she would love you and you wouldn't be on enotalone on a Saturday night (if you are in the UK!).

 

The reality is she's not perfect..you just think she is. And there is nothing wrong with thinking she is for the time being but it will start to unravel in your head, it will start to make sense and you will improve. Trust me, if I can do it, you can!

[michaelhopes]

Mercurial is correct....

Here's the thing... Its going to take some time before your mind gets out of the WdaF just happened/is happening? fog. NC is to protect you from all the dumb things you might do in the meantime.

 

In my personnal experience My gf pulled this krap and I basically let her go....2 weeks later she said she made the biggest mistake in her life and we got back together, although long distance this time. One year later she was doing it again and this time got pregnant with the "new and improved guy".

Its over forever and she's not happy.

Her mother too has been married umpteen times.

You cant take any of this personally.....

You cant fix a girl that is screwed up in the head......

 

Try not to torture yourself with the what ifs/what will happens

Just do the best that you can with the krappy hand you've been dealt.

Expect further bizarre behavior from her.

It does get better, trust me on that......

[mrshuma]

michaelhopes: WOW sounds very similar, I CAN see her coming back later but from the sounds of what I am reading there is a very slim chance that it would even work the second time around? It just seems that is really might be a lost cause.

[mrshuma]

BTW she just posted on her facebook: "Omg-this is so.... Sad! I hate this! Why is life so tough?!"

 

If I start with the NC its going to catch her off guard!!

[mercurial100]

michaelhopes: WOW sounds very similar, I CAN see her coming back later but from the sounds of what I am reading there is a very slim chance that it would even work the second time around? It just seems that is really might be a lost cause.

 

 

I know I sound blunt but I dont mean to be...I don't think you should kid yourself though.

 

You need to be of the mindset that it's over and that even if she did come back it wouldn't work. If you can start the NC now and start to move on you will benefit massively. If by some minor miracle she did come back then you deal with that as and when but you musn't wait for her.

 

Quick question for you:

 

How long would you give her to "decide" before you call it a day? If it's a week fine but you dont want her going out there, playing the field, realising there is nothing else out there and then heading back to you.

[mrshuma]

mercurial: IMO I don't think its about her playing the field (maybe later down the line) it is more the want to know if I can do it on my own independent angle, I really don't think its for another guy right now. I supported her for a long time and we have been together ever since she was 20 so I think now that she's had her career for the last 7 months, new friends at work and wants to try this new life. I could be completely wrong. To answer your question, I don't know how long. She did saying yesterday that she wants at least a month of space and she kept re-iterating that so I highly doubt she would come back in a week anyway..

[blueeyedme]

I am going to have to disagree here... I don't necessarily think your relationship is over. The relationship you had is over - obviously, there was some dissatisfaction on both parts...but you are still talking which means it isn't over until someone says its over. Go NC like we are all saying...she will be in touch and you can decided what to do from there. If you don't hear from her in a week - then I say you can reach out and see if she wants to continue the conversation. If not, then clearly it's done - at least for now and you need to move on.

[mrshuma]

blueeyedme - is a week enough? shouldn't I just go at least 30 days since she keeps mentioning she wants space for at least a month anyway? Its very confusing because everyone says go 100% NC but doesn't that mean simply ignore her? When would I call her back?

[michaelhopes]

Here's the really bad news....

At 33 youve probably got 1 or 2 more relationships/bizarre adventures with the opposite sex coming your way before you find the right woman.

Hopefully we learn from our experiences,heed the red flags and dont become jaded.......

Gods speed......

[mrshuma]

blueeyedme: Even if she tells her friends and family we have broken up you are saying its not over since we were still talking? Maybe I wasn't clear but had posted on facebook that it was over and changed her relationship status to single. BUT that was also after the fact I had told her if she let me leave then there wasn't any going back. I guess I am confused lol.

[michaelhopes]

Heres what it boils down to for me.........

Why do you want to be with someone that doesnt want to be with you?

Think about it.....