hard to find Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 I met this nice guy through a friend online. We engaged in many conversations and we finally met. Great guy...wined & dined me... I fell head over heels (ugh! wasn't thinking) I slept w/him on the 1st date. Wanted to die b/c of doing such & it was the 1st date. Saw him again & it happened again! What the hell is wrong w/me He told me in the beginning he's not looking for a relationship but I knew I was & just cont'd b/c i liked him...he knows i'm a good girl through my friend & when meeting me..did i mess up? He now sees me as just another girl I made myself look that way and im not..... i'm so disgusted w/myself.. would a guy not wanting anything want to remain in contact w/a good woman that gave it up so soon? I know, thats a stupid question please help me! btw.im 34 and hes 38 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarity Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 It really depends on the guy. Some guys (myself included) would be turned off by a woman who gave it up so quickly and would not see her as long-term material. Other guys don't care as much... Only he has the answer to this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newwave Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 I'm going to say something you won't like, but he's using you for sex. There are a few code words that lead to this such as not looking for a relationship. As for a good girl, who cares what he thinks? As of now you are a sex buddy. When you say you met him through a friend online, have you ever met this friend in person or just a cyber buddy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lastchallenge Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 This happened to me about a month ago... I slept with her a few times and I did lose respect for her. I was quite suprised because she was very smart, stable, good background, I'm mean a catch but after that everything for me went down hill and I actually asked her for space this week..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 I really don't think it matters (I know a married couple that went home together the first night they met). You'll just have to see if you hear from him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedDress Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 There are fast movers in relationships and there are slow movers. If you had sex with a fast mover, it won't matter. He'll be delighted that things are moving along quickly. If you have sex with a slow mover, he will take the sex anyways (9 times out of 10) but he will lose respect for you. His thought process will be "If she slept with ME so quick, how quickly and how many guys did she do this with"? It's not really fair to judge you, but actions speak louder than words. Your actions told him that you are quick to bed. Your words (and the words of your friend) may be different, and the truth may be different... but from HIS perspective, it's easier to look to your actions. I agree with the other poster that said "not looking for a relationship" while having sex with you means sex buddy. He may see you again... and again... and again... but that's probably what's on his mind. Sorry. It's not fair (hey! we women have urges too!)... but it is what it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meen Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 How about do YOU see him like every other guy now? He had sex with you on the first date? What do YOU think about that? Think for yourself and don't wait for other people to define you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonasWaingaro Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 The problem isn't 'giving it up' on the 1st date - but that you have two different life goals. No matter what you do - sex on 1st date or 10th date - he has a different goal here. Can that change? Perhaps. Bonding can happen through physicality, but I'd guess he's fine with a play thing and you are not. So will he want to stay in contact - for sex I have no doubt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lastchallenge Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 That would be 'you're'. Hilarious. You have emotional issues to deal with before you can make yourself or someone else happy. You sabotaged your happiness because of your complex. I know I wasn't fully over my break up... I should have listened and slowed down.... Sorry for the hijack and the bad spelling is auto correct on iPhone sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celestialagape54 Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 As some of the other posters have said, it all depends on what kind of guy he is. I have had male friends who don't care or view the girl different if they have sex on the first date and then I have other guy friends who view the girl as easy. Also, I agree with what Jonas is saying.... It seems you really like the guy, but he clearly stated that he was not looking for a relationship. In that case it would lead me to believe that you are nothing more than a sex buddy, however I could be wrong. I think it might be a good idea to discuss where the two of you stand. I just wonder what would happen if you guys stopped having sex? Would he still call and contact you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FathomFear Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 Nothing is wrong with you. You're an adult who likes sex who had sex with another adult who likes sex. It isn't dirty or "bad". The shame women are encouraged to feel for having sex "early" never ceases to blow my mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celestialagape54 Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 OP- Are you worried that now because he might view you as other "girls" now that he won't want to have a relationship with you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sigmond freud Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 I totally agree with you...I think this is what happened with my last relationship...great girl..smart, pretty, funny ....a bit of a biatch...but i feel in love with her..but a part of me always thought that she was a hootchie..in polite terms..and your right its not fair..but it sets a precedent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lamour detruit Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 The problem is not you having sex with him on the first date. The problem is that he specifically told you he's not looking for a relationship. This means generally no matter what, you're not going to be seen as relationship material and hence, its something different from what you want. Don't be naive. If a guy tells you this, immediately think if you want to sleep around with him or if you want a relationship. If its the second, then stop going to him. Its that simple. Its nonsense about losing respect in regards to sleeping on the first date, by the way. Sure, some think that way. But personally respect in my terms isn't effected by when one sleeps with one another..its a choice made by two people..not one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 He told me in the beginning he's not looking for a relationship This is the most important thing...he told you he is not looking for a relationship...so by sleeping with him on the first date and then again the next time you saw him, he assumes you are up for a casual fling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 You can't undue what's already done, but in the future I would take my time to make better choices, and realize that it takes time to get to know someone. Also, I would limit myself to keeping the dates public in order to get a better idea of who the person is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hard to find Posted May 22, 2010 Author Share Posted May 22, 2010 I called him earlier and told him i made a mistake by sleepng w/u on the 1st date.....he said i dont think so but if u do i'm sorry. then he said i just woke up baby and i'll call u later..... (he's not) my instinct is telling me so. And me like an idiot bought him 2 shirts for his bday!! yea, i know just met him.......ugh!!! he really liked them and thanked me but then again i'm just such a "good girl" & give my all to quickly!! It's just who I am so i believe there is that one good guy out there...somewhere Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hard to find Posted May 22, 2010 Author Share Posted May 22, 2010 This is the most important thing...he told you he is not looking for a relationship...so by sleeping with him on the first date and then again the next time you saw him, he assumes you are up for a casual fling. You're exactly right! I just do it to myself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lamour detruit Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 I called him earlier and told him i made a mistake by sleepng w/u on the 1st date.....he said i dont think so but if u do i'm sorry. then he said i just woke up baby and i'll call u later..... (he's not) my instinct is telling me so. And me like an idiot bought him 2 shirts for his bday!! yea, i know just met him.......ugh!!! he really liked them and thanked me but then again i'm just such a "good girl" & give my all to quickly!! It's just who I am so i believe there is that one good guy out there...somewhere Best thing you can do is just cut off contact if you don't want to be used. It is pretty obvious this guy is just not interested in you, but he is interested in what you have to offer. Yes, it is never a good idea to get invested so early. Don't go back to him..Don't naively go "visit him at his house alone" because we both know how that will end up. Its pretty easy. If a guy is interested in you as a person, you won't just be called in to have sex. He will show his interest, he will contact you, he will be truly curious in terms of how you are as a person..and he will chase you. If a guy ever tells you he's not looking for a relationship or anything close to it, and you are..don't sleep with the guy. He's not gonna change his mind just because you do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hard to find Posted May 22, 2010 Author Share Posted May 22, 2010 OP- Are you worried that now because he might view you as other "girls" now that he won't want to have a relationship with you? not only that but not want to continue since i said i made a mistake... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maya_A Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 This happened to me about a month ago... I slept with her a few times and I did lose respect for her. Why wouldn't you lose respect for yourself also? Know that you are identical/equal to her regarding this situation. Just a rhetorical for you - don't wish to "engage" over this further. How about do YOU see him like every other guy now? He had sex with you on the first date? What do YOU think about that? Think for yourself and don't wait for other people to define you Could not have said it better, Meen.... These double standards are primitive & surprising in how they hold on so long... OP, you keep saying "like an idiot I"... slept with him once, slept with him twice (even after the concern over the one time), bought b-day gifts... I do not intend to sound non compassionate, but you do have control over what you do. Anyway, at the end of the day I agree with those who say that the issue is very likely not that you slept with him early but outside of that circumstance, being that he told you he is not looking for a relationship. This could be for whatever other reasons related to you, himself, a bit of both, but I don't think it was related to having sex early on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 nothing is wrong with you. You're an adult who likes sex who had sex with another adult who likes sex. It isn't dirty or "bad". The shame women are encouraged to feel for having sex "early" never ceases to blow my mind. this^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 This is the relevant thing: 'He told me in the beginning he's not looking for a relationship'. All the rest is just noise. You are thinking hearts and flowers and 'falling in love' and being his girlfriend (buying him shirts for his birthday), and he is not even remotely interested in that. He just wanted a little fun and some sex. So if he was in the market for a relationship and really liked you, it wouldn't matter (as long as he is not a prude who categorizes women as 'good girls' vs 'bad girls). But he's not even remotely in the market for the same thing as you are interested in, so the rest is irrelevant. You want a relationship, he wants a hook up. So if what you want is a relationship, don't waste any time on a guy who says he doesn't. You can 'behave' like you're in a relationship, but that won't make him want to be in one. I'd just let this guy go and look for a guy who does want a relationship rather than just hookups. Most men who say they don't want a relationship are actively dating other women, or leaving their options open to do so should they see someone else they like. You want love, so this is the wrong road to go down for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 I agree that the most relevant thing is that he's not looking for a relationship. He's probably not thinking about whether or not he respects you because he's not considering you (or anyone else maybe) for a relationship anyhow. My mom said to me once, "Girls sometimes think guys are awfully dishonest or misleading, but a lot of times they tell us exactly what we need to know and we just aren't listening". If you want a relationship, don't get involved with a guy who doesn't want to be involved. My 2 cents. Best wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
galaxy71 Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 Your online friend needs to do a better job of finding a guy for you. The friend didn't realize that a relationship is not going to happen if two people have two different goals. You want a relationship. This guy wanted pleasure. It doesn't matter if you are both attracted to each other and you both have the same type of interests and personalities. Incompatibility on goals will prevent a relationship from happening. Where the heck did your online friend find this guy? There are plenty of guys who want to be in a relationship. I also want to mention how I don't understand the guys who lose respect for women who give it up too early. I suspect that they have the double standard where it's OK for guys to have sex before a relationship, but if a woman has sex too early, then that is something that is shameful. That type of shaming leads a lot of women to be reserved and timid around guys they like. They don't want to be seen as easy so they won't ask guys out or make a move physically. Instead of being relaxed and flirty around guys they like, they look stoic and have their "poker face" on. Women who want to avoid being easy end up buying "The Rules". I think that these type of guys should mention in the first date that they are tradtional and only want to date women who are traditional about sex. There is no need for double standards and making women shameful about their sexuality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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