Being supportive of your gf and their no good boyfriends..ugh!

[jbrooklyn]

I just wanted to ask how others deal with this topic. Some of my girlfriends call me with all this drama about their men and what he did and all this stuff. Have you all emotionally drawn in to their crap just to be right back in their arms and taking the crap that the boyfriend has dished out.

 

I love my friends alot but secretly I hate them at the same time for this here. It is like why tell anyone and ask for opinions if you not going to do anything about it. It drives me crazy sometimes.

 

For instance, my aunt has been with a man for 15 years and he had a 50th birthday party and didnt invite her or tell her about it. She found out by mistake. But his ex wife and others ex were there. What a slap in the face!

She talks bout leaving him but she doesnt do it it drives me crazy. Now she over there washing his clothes, still sleeping with him and all that jazz.

 

For mother's day he went out of town with his mother and aunt but didnt invite her or give her a card. But she over there in his arms.

 

A couple other friends of mines goes thru this up and down stuff and I just dont know how to support them and not get upset and feel all disgusted when they turn around and be back with the man.

 

How to do be a good friend and not get myself so frustrated about their bull crap with their stupid men?

[Blue Skittles]

I would talk to them about it and say that you do not want to hear or get involved in their relationship problems. You still want to be a friend but you don't want to be in the middle of problems in a relationship, and that they should try and work it out between the two of them and not air their dirty laundry out to all their friends and family.

[RedDress]

Oh, I feel ya. It took me a long, LONG time to get over this. You love them, you want to protect them, you give them solid advice and they just go the other way and you have to hear about it some more...

 

The key is in realizing that no matter what, they will follow their heart. I'm sure you do the same thing too... how many times have YOU been with someone that everyone wants you to leave but you hang onto 'hope'??

 

The truth is, that if someone is going to change, it's because THEY want to change. You can't tell someone that they need to lose weight. THEY have to decide that they need to lose weight. You can't tell someone that they need to quit smoking, THEY have to decide that they want to quit smoking. It's the same with relationships. If they are with someone destructive, it is because they are getting something out of it.

 

You have to let people make their own mistakes in life. Your job as a friend is to listen to them and to support them. Even if what they are doing is wrong. The best you can do is mirror the whole thing back to them and let them come to their own conclusions.

 

Try not to get emotionally invested in the first place. Realize that's it's their issues and their life. THEY have to decide to stop sticking their hand in the fire. They will eventually come to conclusions they need to... they just haven't learned whatever life lesson they need to learn first.

[jbrooklyn]

i agree with everything you said. All of it. So when they come to me about it..it is especially two of them..do I just listen? How do I show support? Im getting to the point where I dont want to hear it and I feel like Im not being a friend if I act like that. I really want to be a good friend to them but where are my boundaries in this?

[RedDress]

Yes, just listen. You show support by listening. Letting them have someone to 'vent' to.

 

Rather than trying to 'fix' the problem, personally, I've taken a cue from a friend who happens to be a councillor. Spin it around on them. Say stuff like:

 

"And how does that make you feel?"

"What do you think that you should do about it?"

"How do you think things could be different?"

 

I absolutely hate it when she talks to me like that now, 'cause I know what she's doing. LOL! But... it works. It's listening to them and letting them come to their own conclusions without getting emotionally invested yourself.

[thathoopla]

Sometimes your job as a friend is to just give support and not real advice.

[jbrooklyn]

Yes, just listen. You show support by listening. Letting them have someone to 'vent' to.

 

Rather than trying to 'fix' the problem, personally, I've taken a cue from a friend who happens to be a councillor. Spin it around on them. Say stuff like:

 

"And how does that make you feel?"

"What do you think that you should do about it?"

"How do you think things could be different?"

 

I absolutely hate it when she talks to me like that now, 'cause I know what she's doing. LOL! But... it works. It's listening to them and letting them come to their own conclusions without getting emotionally invested yourself.

 

Thank you so much. I really will use this advice

[JusticeLaw9]

Sometimes you get so caught up in others relationship problems that you wind up getting involved in it emotionally. After a while of hearing about it, it starts to piss you off - kind of like you're the one doing the dating!

[jbrooklyn]

yup and it makes you not want to date cause if their drama. I just take the phone off my ear now or I just dont have much to say. Its draining.