bravebird Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 ruin the chance of reconciliation? I'm trying to feel better about having my heart broken, so I'm in strict NC. That being said, he's contacted me twice and I ignored both attempts. If a dumper is reaching out to make themselves feel better, they will eventually quit if you don't respond, right? Does NC reveal their true feelings or drive them away completely? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
H20 Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 I think it depends on what they are saying when they contact you. If they are saying they miss you, blah blah blah, then it means nothing. if they say they made a mistake and want you back then yes..ignoring them is stupid. Many dumpers reach out because they are feeling sorry for THEMSELVES, not for you. They think THEY have the right to come back any time THEY feel like it because THEY are the ones who broke it off. Notice I keep saying THEY..and not YOU? That's because it's all about THEM. Some dumpers are just cruel..and think they're doing you a favor because THEY are contacting you. Dumpers lose ALL their 'power' once they end the relationship..the dumpee needs to be the one to realize that and use it to their advantage to move on. They are NO LONGER OBLIGATED to say ONE more word to that person EVER again. That is the beautiful thing about NC!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 If you wish to reconcile, ignoring is not the way. NC is for people trying to move on, not get back together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
learning2relax Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 ^^^^^^^agreed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bravebird Posted May 22, 2010 Author Share Posted May 22, 2010 so you are supposed to reply to "how are you" emails? i'm at a loss.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBroken Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 You could technically reply with an Im fine thanks - you? If the conversation continues, its often best to tell the person that contact with no reconciliation in sight prevents your healing. In these situations, there really is no black or white, no right or wrong. Some people go NC and it drives their ex right back into their arms......others ignore and the dumper moves on. Its not a matter of how you react, its a matter of what the ex is thinking..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 so you are supposed to reply to "how are you" emails? i'm at a loss.... Whatever you are comfortable with, but I would definitely respond, even if it's just short and sweet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bravebird Posted May 22, 2010 Author Share Posted May 22, 2010 You could technically reply with an Im fine thanks - you? If the conversation continues, its often best to tell the person that contact with no reconciliation in sight prevents your healing. In these situations, there really is no black or white, no right or wrong. Some people go NC and it drives their ex right back into their arms......others ignore and the dumper moves on. Its not a matter of how you react, its a matter of what the ex is thinking..... Isn't that sort of the assumed action a dumper is supposed to take? After all, THEY ended it, not US. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hypatia Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 In my experience, if you want to reconcile, ignoring attempts at contact without telling the dumper that you don't want any contact because you need to move on and you only want contact if they are interested in reconciling, is a bad idea. It leads to confusion, misunderstanding, more hurt feelings, in an already difficult and emotional situation. If you prefer NIC, then you don't need to announce that you don't plan to contact them, and just take their contact as it comes. But if you want to go strict NC, you really should let them know and communicate your expectations that you also prefer not to be contacted unless they want to reconcile. Then you can ignore any attempts at meaningless contact and they will understand why, and you don't have to feel bad. I think treating each other with respect even during a break-up is important. I've seen possible reconciliations sabotaged not because of how the relationship was, but how people behaved post-break up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bravebird Posted May 22, 2010 Author Share Posted May 22, 2010 so it might be a good idea to write an email telling him that i'm not ignoring him to hurt him, but that it's too hard to be friends and that i hope he understands.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonasWaingaro Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 ^^^ This. If you didn't tell him that before then yes, let him know where you stand. Ignoring comes off as just that - ignoring. Not a positive thing at all. Implies a helluva lot that may or may not be accurate. I can't think of anything more useless in break-ups then unexplained disappearing acts. NC is well and fine to heal and let go. However, it won't facilitate a reconciliation. Only honest communication will do that. Explained NC if you have a desire to reconnect later. Fall off the face of planet only if you never want to reconnect in the future. Just an opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exchange Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 Dumpers lose ALL their 'power' once they end the relationship..the dumpee needs to be the one to realize that and use it to their advantage to move on. They are NO LONGER OBLIGATED to say ONE more word to that person EVER again. That is the beautiful thing about NC!! That's a very powerful response, something I will continually remind myself daily until I am completley healed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hypatia Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 I think so. If you feel strict NC is what you want/need to do, you should be honest and respectful in telling him that. I don't agree with the 'well they left you so they deserve nothing!' mentality (especially if you have hopes for a reconciliation). Be as specific as possible, including that you would be open to hearing from him if he would like to discuss the possibility of reconciling, but trying to maintain a friendship at this point is not something you want because it makes it hard for you to move on if you are hearing from him. That way you get what you want--no contact from him unless it's something meaningful, and he knows that you are open to hearing from him under those circumstances and you're not ignoring him because you are angry, upset, punishing him, don't care about him anymore etc. But be prepared for the fact that you may never hear from him again if you do this. Sometimes dumpees start to actually miss the little pings and feelers the dumper sends out, and so they go with NIC instead. Do what feels right to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bravebird Posted May 23, 2010 Author Share Posted May 23, 2010 Well when someone dumps you and disappears for 1.5 months with no announcement, it hurts. I guess that's the only thing that makes me feel better. When someone breaks up with you and it's not mutual, you don't own them anything. They left you (in my case, more than once), and how do you allow someone who lets go of you so easily the satisfaction of knowing you'll still always be there when they feel like reaching out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kelly155 Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 This was my question too! I still wonder if my ex was ever wanting to reconcile with me and wanted to test the waters when he texted me a couple of times. He wanted to know how I was doing, but I was so sad & angry that I ignored him. He never tried contacting me again.... But on the other hand, if he was just reaching out because of guilt and not because he was thinking about getting back together....I'm glad I gave him the upper hand by ignoring him. I'm still bitter as you can tell, I hope he'll be able to feel the pain he's caused me one day or soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manhood Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 so what if you have your ex on msn? I tried lc for a while and she kept on talking about her new bf, something I didný like 2 hear. So I've got her on block now for a whole month now. I hope it doesn't blow my chances in the future, cause I really liked her a lot.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bravebird Posted June 17, 2010 Author Share Posted June 17, 2010 Ok, I have ignored 3 contacts over the last month...sometimes I feel bad, but I remind myself HE broke up with ME. If he has something important to say he could say it and it wouldn't be via email or text, right? We didn't leave on bad terms...I told him I couldn't do the friends thing, and still he pops up anyways and makes conversation like nothing has happened...so I just faded away without an announcement. Ppl, I know the "crumbs" are appealing, but ask yourself if it's worth the resultant pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaylh25 Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 Ok, I have ignored 3 contacts over the last month...sometimes I feel bad, but I remind myself HE broke up with ME. If he has something important to say he could say it and it wouldn't be via email or text, right? We didn't leave on bad terms...I told him I couldn't do the friends thing, and still he pops up anyways and makes conversation like nothing has happened...so I just faded away without an announcement. Ppl, I know the "crumbs" are appealing, but ask yourself if it's worth the resultant pain. If he is wanting to come back its highly likely he isnt going to just come right out with "i screwed up I want you back".. more chance he will test the waters first especially since youve ignored all attempts at contact so far. If you dont like ignoring then just send a simple message along the lines of im fine thanks, hope your doing well.. dont ask him a question..let him do the work and see if he is just offering crumbs or wanting to have a conversation about your relationship.. Of course all the above is if you are still hoping to get together.. if your not then strict NC... just my thoughts.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MalibuOne Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 If he is wanting to come back its highly likely he isnt going to just come right out with "i screwed up I want you back".. more chance he will test the waters first especially since youve ignored all attempts at contact so far. True. Rejection works both ways. When I've broken up with someone and wanted to reconnect, I didn't open the conversation with "hey, my bad, wanna give it another go?" I worried that the person I broke up with might want nothing to do with me, so I'd ease into it just to see if my initial overture was rebuffed completely or not. If they ignored me completely, I wouldn't keep knocking on a door I thought wouldn't be opened. Maybe that's just pride talking, but everyone deals with stuff their own way. Bottom line is you should do what you think is best, knowing your ex better than any of us, I'm sure you'll make the right choice for you. And that's what counts in the long run, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live-N-Learn Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 I will never go no contact and then tell them to contact me if they want to reconcile. They broke up with me and broke my heart. They need to know I am not sitting around waiting at there convenience to reach out when they feel like it to get back together. Talk about giving someone all the power! Have more respect for yourself...tell them you accept there decision and not to contact you because your need time to heal and move on. This puts you back in control and allows you to keep your power. Don't let them break up with you and have the option to come back if they want. Talk about having your cake and eating it too!!! They will respect you more if you take this position and if they want you they will reach out. Look at you…they are rejecting you and you are telling them they can come back if the want…think about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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