Binoo Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 I won't deny I'm horrible for feeling the way I do but I can't help myself. My ex boyfriend and I broke up over a year ago but continued to live together for that entire year. In November of 2009 we finally moved out. I blocked him from my Facebook, got a new e-mail address and so forth. We've been in absolutely no contact since we went our separate ways in November. We were dating for nearly two years. In that time I was completely destroyed mentally. I feel as though I will never reclaim what I once was. I can't trust men at all. My current boyfriend is wonderful but whenever I feel like I'm falling for him completely I contain myself. I know I come off colder than I am. I worry I'll get hurt. I'm terrified if he talks to other women. I always assume the worst. I never used to be so insecure. I'm under constant stress. Though I'm sure my boyfriend doesn't know of this [ I don't voice my concerns nor have I given him the details of my past relationship ] I find it unfair to both him and I that I am the way I am and I think the way I think. I don't want to in any way sabotage my relationship because of insecurities caused by my ex. It's so hard to control my thought processes now though. I don't know what to do or what kind of help would be effective for me. ANYWAY, this is why I'm especially horrible. My ex and I do still have a few mutual friends so once in awhile I'll catch wind of what's happening in the ex's life. I made a thread awhile back talking about how when my ex moved he immediately got engaged to a girl he met on an online fetish site. Because they were from different countries he decided marry her so he could be his lazy self and put absolutely no proper effort or thought into his relationship. He's not allowed in her country because of past court appearances he decided not to make. I was very upset by this news. Why, after nearly 3 years of hell he's caused me is he finding happiness? I know I need to learn to forgive but some of the things he said and did to me are unforgivable. Though I've struggled to try to just be happy for him, I can't. During our relationship he would always try to force me into a lifestyle I just couldn't be interested in [ Master/Slave, Threesome etc. ]. He couldn't for the life of him understand why I wasn't interested in having a boyfriend who goes out and screws other woman and I sit at home waiting for him. I told him the odds of finding a woman who was okay with this was very slim not just because the whole concept of that sort of relationship is very widely unaccepted [ not saying it's wrong but most people don't go for that sort of thing ] but also because he was emotionally abusive/distant [ too much detail to type ]. I told him even if a woman did this sort of thing for him the odds of it being a long term agreement were probably very slim. Lots of people do things to impress new partners and after a while sometimes they realize what they did wasn't something they would condone under normal circumstances and they'll stop doing it especially if they're the ones putting all the effort into the relationship and getting nothing in return. I think in relationships like the ones he's looking for are going to work, extra effort needs to be put into it to balance out the fact that they're screwing other people outside the relationship. But it was always just take, take, take with him. Anyway, they got married just 4 months after meeting. But... They divorced a few days ago, I'm told. She's heading back home and he's in the same situation he finds himself in time and time again. This is his second divorce. And just like every other relationship he's been in, she too couldn't accept the lifestyle. Apparently as soon as they got married she wanted to put a stop to the whole master/slave thing. Apparently he wouldn't even refer to her as "wife" but as "slave". I know I'm terrible and normally this would be one of those things where you would say you'd love to hear it's happened but then when it does you feel bad. I don't! I don't feel bad. When we were living together I sympathized with him constantly. When he would do or say something horrible to me he would start some sob story and then I would feel bad for HIM. I always apologized to him even if he was in the wrong. I always took care of him no matter how horribly he treated me. And now, I feel...kind of delighted. Link to comment
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