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Rantings and New Begginings


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I am starting this journal to relieve some pressure from the stress of my day to day life, so if you are reading this it may not make sense, and it may sound complicated and irrational at times, but i need the outlet and lately talking to loved ones and friends doesn't seem to be helping.

I feel lost at the moment in my life, which saddens my heart because i only just thought i had found myself, let go of the past and moved on. I have this wonderful new man in my life and he treats me wonderfully. And at first i was really happy in the relationship and then the honeymoon of it all ended nad the reality of being in a normal relationship have come to head. there is nothing wrong that he is doing, its me. I feel lost now, because i now have to go back to focusing on me. Which shouldn't be a horrible thing accept for the fact that i don't know me. I never have, I started to get to know me pretty well and then i got into a relationship had two children and was abused emotionally and physically. I have left that relationship and now am at a stand still, i thought i had healed but now know that i have not and desperatley want to be in love with myself again. My children need, My Billy (boyfriend) need it and his children and most importantly i need it. I need to know me. But i don't know where to start. What do I do, I have been to so many counsellors that it is now wearing on my self confidence that i will never be able to live life without one. I just would like to be able to fix this one on my own without being analized, or over analizing everything in my life. I want to be once again happy with my children, happy playing with them, and not constantly thinking about what a bad mother i am. I have a habit of beating myself up. In actuality i am a good mother, i do most everything any good or great mother would, only i don't feel that i am. I am always thinking i should be doing more and there are areas i need ti improve on, but i should feel proud of the job i have done thus far. Its like part of my brain is still stuck in the abusive rlationship, " your not good enough, you must do better, be better, your an idiot, get better do better, your worthless". All the things my ex told me over and over again, its like a recording that won't stop. I want to feel good about myself again, smile with bliss, enjoy my life, but i have to get out of this rut. So i am going to begin now:

Ten Wonderful things about me:

I am beautiful

I am a hard worker

i am funny and fun to be around

I am honest and fair

I have a wonderful smile

I am smart

I am organized

I am a kick ass house keeper

I am very giving

I am loving

I am generous

I am not afraid to ask for help

SO there are actually 11 things there and if i have to come hear everyday to write some more i will. this is all about erasing the negative bad mesages left by my ex and replacing them with new wonderful messages. this is all about healing me. It won't make sense at times. and sometimes it will be endless ranting, but i need me back, so i am going to keep writing untl the rough edges are gone and new polished shiny ones apper. I love loving myself and this is the path of my new beginning to make that happen. I deserve it .......i deserve to be happy, regardless of any future stressful incidents that may occur i still deserve to be wonderfully happy, in all areas of my life. If you have any helpful advice or just any kind words to say that would be very helpful. Thank you for allowing me this chance to begin my new journey and one day i will become a butterfly.

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