A first date

[sophie274]

Ok. So she said she'd love to. I invited her to Cirque Du Soleil.

 

That's great! Sounds like a lot of fun too. It seems to be moving at a normal speed by my standards. Keep us updated!

[bar35]

You think the pace seems normal? I guess you're right. Its a little tricky because of where we live and I would like to see her more often, but I am learning to lay back here too. I just don't want to diminish the intensity with too much time between dates, and seeing each other, which is only once a week at this rate.

[sophie274]

You think the pace seems normal? I guess you're right. Its a little tricky because of where we live and I would like to see her more often, but I am learning to lay back here too. I just don't want to diminish the intensity with too much time between dates, and seeing each other, which is only once a week at this rate.

 

Well it's just going to be the second date, right? Two dates with about a week between them seems reasonable to me, especially when people have jobs and can't really go out much on week nights. I'd say a date a week is fairly standard at the beginning, and if you get to know each other and like each other you can move your way to twice a week. I don't think the dates are spaced out so far that you need to worry about her losing interest. A little bit of mystery in the beginning goes a long way, IMO!

[bar35]

Schucks, this is already frustrating. The communication between she and I is much slower than it needs to be. For some reason or other she prefers text messaging and it is rather annoying to me. I got a message back from her saying that the day i suggested to go Cirque was not good for her because she has plans (I of course read that as a date with another guy), which is fair, but uncomfortable nevertheless. So I shot her a text asking when a better day would be, but haven't heard back from her. I am thinking of scrapping the plan for now and figuring something else out. I feel so off balance right now. I wonder if I shouldn't be so excited to try and get together with her. UH!

[Pnt8rshs]

Damnit!!! Hmph.

 

I seriously can not imagine turning down a date like that, especially to Cirque!!!

 

Something is up.

 

Hmmm.

 

Here is the thing: (and seriously there is no games with this) when a girl likes a guy a lot, a lot LOT, (which is what you deserve), she doesn't wait to text you back. She doesn't wait to give you an answer and if you plan a date like Cirque, she definitely does NOT say no, she has plans. To me, she either DEFINITELY has tix to a concert that she paid for well in advance (possible!!!!!!!) or she had possible other plans (another date), which............isn't the worst thing in the world, right?

People date.

We aren't trying to fit round pegs into square holes. We are trying to find our match!!!

Dating is ok in the beginning.

 

 

BUT...............

 

If she was really really really into you, she would NOT have other plans, I promise.

 

That is what you need to think about/realize.

 

Love,

me

[bar35]

Ok, so here is what went down. She got back me shortly after I posted and asked if instead of going on thursday night, could we go on Friday. (I thought that was sort of a good sign in a way) However, that wasn't possible.

 

So she suggested that we go the following Thursday and she would wear something hot. I said that next thursday would be great, but would you like to get dinner this Friday then? To which she said yes. So we actually set up two dates.

 

I have to agree that there seems like something is up though too. I don't understand the delays in the texting, but the end result is there. I think that dinner on Friday will be a good measure of just how into this she is.

 

*We met through POF. I went on a date today with someone else. I expect that she is playing the field too. At what point do you ask how many other guys/girls your interest is dating? One has to assume that is going on when they are on a dating web site.

[orchidrose]

I think the delays in texting are kind of mystifying - and I agree with cedar that it can't be good - but you need to just calm down and go with the flow. As far as her not being able to go to Cirque as originally planned, I don't see that as terrible. You can't assume she had another date. People have lives before they meet SOs. I've had trouble setting up first and second dates even if I'm really into the guy because I'm busy and my weekends are usually booked way in advance.

 

As far as asking how many other guys she's dating, I think it's none of your business until you mutually decide to be exclusive, which may not be for awhile if at all. I think it's fair to assume that she may be dating others, but it would sound very possessive to say "I'm guessing you're dating other people - but how many?"

[bar35]

i agree completely that I need to calm down.

 

I think that I miscommunicated the Cirque plan. We did not agree to go on Thursday originally, we had just agreed to go on a date this week, with no day agreed upon. I followed with the Cirque on thursday suggestion. Which is when she said that she couldn't on thursday, how about another day like friday.

 

The slow texting is weird, but consistently at certain times. Like after she finishes work, because she owns a business.

 

And you are right, it's none of my business how many other guys she is dating, any more than it is her business how many other women I am dating. I think that what you are saying is that eventually you have to take a position and be definitive.

 

I don't want to just roll along and date a bunch of women, nor do I want to be one of many dating the same woman. Its too soon in the game for this to be laid out with her, but at some point it needs to get said.

 

All told, I think it's all good.

 

And thanks for telling me to calm down. I get excited. Emotional. And driven. I know it can be overwhelming for others which I why I sometimes really rely upon ENA to keep me clear.

 

Thanks.

[KH26]

Could it just be that she doesn't like texting? My boyfriend's really slow with texting but wil answer straight away if I call. Or if I text he'll ring back straight away instead of texting. And it's just because he works long hours at funny times and says he doesn't want to spend his time off texting, it's easier to just talk on the phone.

 

And with the date, to me it sounds good that she suggested another day. Maybe she really does have plans. And don't ask her how many other people she's dating!

 

Try not to panic yet!

[bar35]

Actually she prefers texting. Who the heck knows with her. I hate texting, but she said that it is better for her. English is not her first language. But we have to move beyond it as being the primary method of communication.

 

I'm sure she had plans on that thursday, and whatever the plans are is what they are. I'm just regressing right now. Fortunately, because of the texting, I have not tipped my hand to her and all of my neurotic ruminations are contained to ENA!

[orchidrose]

Actually she prefers texting. Who the heck knows with her. I hate texting, but she said that it is better for her. English is not her first language. But we have to move beyond it as being the primary method of communication.

 

I'm sure she had plans on that thursday, and whatever the plans are is what they are. I'm just regressing right now. Fortunately, because of the texting, I have not tipped my hand to her and all of my neurotic ruminations are contained to ENA!

 

Okay, you need to take stock here for a minute. You guys have been on one date. You already have two more planned. But this girl owes you nothing. If she magically disappeared tomorrow, you'd have to learn to be okay with that. I think it's a bit silly that after ONE date you're talking about how you have to move on from just texting. Slow down. There's plenty of time for moving on to phone calls or whatever, if this is going to be the right thing for both of you.

[bar35]

I'm cool with that.

 

Anyway, i agree that neither she nor I owe each other anything. All of what you wrote is certainly balanced between both parties.

 

I guess that what you might understand is that I feel that texting creates a boundary which inhibits developing a connection. I'm just gonna lay back for a few days now.

 

I respect her boundaries, however I have my interests to consider here too no? We don't have to start talking every day on the phone, texting all the time, blah, blah, blah nor do we ever have to see each other again, but I would like to be able to work on exploring a relationship with her. I feel that I am rather good at identifying an exceptional individual, and I believe she is just that kind of person.

 

Also, I'm just excited. Thanks for baring with me.

[orchidrose]

I'm cool with that.

 

Anyway, i agree that neither she nor I owe each other anything. All of what you wrote is certainly balanced between both parties.

 

I guess that what you might understand is that I feel that texting creates a boundary which inhibits developing a connection. I'm just gonna lay back for a few days now.

 

I respect her boundaries, however I have my interests to consider here too no? We don't have to start talking every day on the phone, texting all the time, blah, blah, blah nor do we ever have to see each other again, but I would like to be able to work on exploring a relationship with her. I feel that I am rather good at identifying an exceptional individual, and I believe she is just that kind of person.

 

Also, I'm just excited. Thanks for baring with me.

 

I understand. I know it can be tough to hold back the excitement.

 

I think you ARE exploring a relationship with her (which, again, might be a heady way to put things after just one date). You've spoken with her a few times and you've already scheduled two more dates. It's pretty common to not speak between the first few dates, just so you don't run out of things to talk about. If you want to talk to her more, you can try, but it seems like she wants to take things a bit slower than you would like. It's tough, but it's better to take things at her pace now and try to get to a more mutual speed than to scare her off with taking things too fast.

[bar35]

It's tough, but it's better to take things at her pace now and try to get to a more mutual speed than to scare her off with taking things too fast.

 

Thanks for saying that, because that is what I originally felt but I have received so much advice from different people saying "forget about pacing!" "Concentrate on what you want!" etc...but I know that it is really important not to scare someone off, and I was a little worried that I pushed too hard already in the sense that I scheduled two more dates, but I didn't want to wait 2 weeks to see her again, and I certainly don't think that is unreasonable, too high pressure or whatever. Life is short.

 

I'll take my time here now, and ease off the gas, because something else you said is really important to keep in mind without simultaneously creating self fulfilling prophecy, which is; if she disappears without a trace I have to be cool with it.

[sophie274]

Just to comment on the texting thing - I'm quite shy on the phone and don't enjoy talking on the phone unless it's with someone I know quite well - I do it if I'm trying to date someone because I know it's more convenient, but I totally see where she's coming from. And about her not texting back right away ... I honestly don't think it's a bad sign. I often get texts and wait to reply because I hate being in the situation where I reply right away and the other person takes 5 hours to reply ... I feel like a loser with no life if it happens regularly. I mean, she could be REALLY interested, she could be barely interested, but I don't think you can tell from how fast she texts back.

[bar35]

That makes sense Sophie. I would have to say that as far as her interest level is concerned, it would appear more that she is at least reasonably interested, after all why would she agree to other dates?

 

I didn't text her yesterday, nor will I for the next two days. I would like to give her space, and the chance to contact me if she would like at this point. We are scheduled for Friday so I'll just hang tight until Thursday.