Pretty sure I will send him a birthday card...

[Eclipse11]

Hi everyone...

 

Advice needed please...it's my ex-boyfriend's birthday in about ten days...we broke up a month ago, it was my idea and I think he was very hurt at the time...however from my sister I hear that he is still sad but it's getting better...we had been going out for a year...

 

Last time we spoke, he was angry because I had postponed a meeting for the second time, saying I was not ready to see him, it was too soon after our break-up...I guess that then it became real to him and he had to accept that we would not reconcile...

 

He was angry, I ended our phone conversation...then he sent two nice texts saying he'd love to see me but don't leave it too long or he will feel angry and hurt when we meet...I did not respond, I thought it best to leave him alone for a bit, for him and for me because I felt so guilty and bad...

 

Tempted to send a birthday card to show him I haven't completely cut him out of my life...but would it do more harm than good or would he be glad about it...?

 

Suppose if he thinks I am a b**** it will make it easier for him to get over it all...

 

From somebody who has been hurt by someone would they feel better if their ex sent them a birthday card? Or would it just raise his hopes?

 

Sorry to ramble on...and sorry this sounds such a trivial thing...( actually I'm not that sure at all really, part of me thinks it would be lunacy, after all it took so long to get to this stage, for us to finally be moving on and breaking it off properly and this would start it all up again...but cannot delete the thread now! ) Sorry, this thread looks so ridiculously trivial now...

 

Eclipse x

[Mauxly]

It will raise his hopes. Let him think you are terrible for now. Once the pain has subsided he'll come to his senses and stop hating you. But right now he probably needs that hate phase.

[Speranza]

It isn't trivial - it shows you really care about what to do for the best.

 

I would be tempted in your position, to send a card - but I think you are right that it would be lunacy to get this far and then give him false hope.

 

Maybe next year you will be able to send one - or perhaps you won't even be in touch at all by then.

 

Recognise that part of this is about YOU not wanting to see YOURSELF as a beeeyaatch. Give yourself time to heal too. It is not wrong to end a relationship that has run its course.

[loulou37]

this is quite difficult to answer.....do you send it and he thinks you still have feelings for him, its a glimmer of hope!! o dont send it, and hell be upset you didnt remember.... my ex finished with me last year, this was the first time he did it to me, it was in oct...it was my bday nov, and he text...it was nice...i didnt read into too much, cus i really thought he didnt wana know, although we got back together later on, obviously at the time i didnt know this would happen....but it made me smile, it made my day.

[coolchick64]

I know a lot of people around here are crushed when they don't get a birthday greeting from their ex. However, they also get false hope. Based on your previous posts, I think there's too much risk of hurting your ex further by contacting him and raising his hopes. The best thing is to leave him be.

[Eclipse11]

Hey ladies I am thankful for all your replies...but still ummmmmmmmmmmmming and ahhhhhhhhhhing...I don't know what to do! But he said he was feeling better after a few days no contact so perhaps he really is healing and the card'll mess it all up...or maybe he'll be delighted...still don't have a clue but I've got ten days to think I s'pose...

 

Mauxley...it may be making it easier for him to be angry with me and hate me, I think it's always better for a person to be mad than sad...I do think it'll help him to move on if he thinks I'm terrible...!

 

Speranza...thanks for your reassurance that there was nothing wrong with ending things, due to incompatibility since I've been feeling quite bad ever since...but we have come so far and it may be like going back to step one if I send the card...

 

Loulou37...it is hard, but I'd like to make him smile...without giving him the wrong idea or getting up his hopes...

 

Still unsure but all these replies have got me thinking about it more...thanks so much luvvies...Eclipse x

[Eclipse11]

Hi Coolchick64...thanks for posting once again...yeah I think you are right, I've been advised by everybody who knew us that I should not get in touch with him at all since it might raise his hopes again...and if he is moving on, it might set him back I guess...I appreciate your advice, Eclipse x

[minou]

Sorry to add my thoughts after you've already seem to have made up your mind. I think there's a way of phrasing it that doesn't get his hopes up. For e.g. adding that you hope moving on has not been too painful for him and you wish him lots of happiness. For me, it would really soften the blow to get a bday card rather than a total cold shoulder as though you don't even exist anymore. In my experience, it really doesn't make it easier to reach out and get no reply at all, but is terribly painful. I'm kind of curious, did not replying to his last attempts to contact you really resolve the guilt? It doesn't really sound that way to me.

[Speranza]

I like that. But it would have to be really clearly worded !

[Eclipse11]

Thanks Minou don't be sorry you are a real sweetheart...I would like to soften the blow and yeah I am still feeling guilty though the guilt has lessened a bit...that is a wonderful idea and one I had not thought of...

Speranza...thanks I think it's a good idea and I'll probably come and post on here before I send it, wth all the wording! If I do it, which I'm still considering... Thank you ladies

 

Ecliipse x

[lavenderdove]

The think is that if an ex wants you back (and you're the dumper), any form of contact with them usually makes them feel better only because they take it as a sign they still might have a chance with you. It sets back their healing and moving on. They may feel temporarily happy to get it because they want you, but then when they realize it was only a friendly gesture and no more, they get depressed and it really sets them back.

 

Even if you say something like, 'i just want to be friends', they'll take it as 'aha, she wants me again, and it's just a matter of time before we're back together.'

 

So i don't see it as softening the blow at all, i see it as patting them on the head, then ripping the bandaid off so they have to start healing all over again when they realize it was only a friendly gesture. So they get a warm fuzzy moment, then they start to think it means something more, then they realize it doesn't, then they're right back where they started.

 

I think if you seriously have no intention of getting back together with him, then you should leave him alone and let him heal and form relationships with people who can and will be there for him for the long term, not just a nice little birthday pat on the head. You might be able to strike up a friendship later when he has someone new and has really moved on, but most of the time, attempts to be friends after a breakup doesn't work out until both people have really recovered and moved on.

[Eclipse11]

Hi Lavenderdove...I really sadly think you may be right...I've got the feeling he's been doing better since we cut off contact and he would only be more sad, if he got his hopes up and then they were smashed...

I know that we could never be together, I was so unhappy all the time with him, but some part of me is still attached to him I think, which may be one of the reasons I want to send the card...even for me, the dumper, I think it would be easier if I moved on and forgot, strange as it sounds...

In my heart I know it would be like ripping the bandaid off...sigh ( Lavenderdove you are a brilliant writer, that's a brilliant analogy )...so I think deep down I know really that I shouldn't send one...but we'll see, I've got about a week to think...thanks Eclipse x

[lavenderdove]

You're welcome! I know just how you feel... when i divorced, i absolutely KNEW it was the right thing (and it was), but i felt so horrible about it for a long time. Guilt and attachment is not a good reason to maintain contact when you know you're not really going to be there for the person and get back with them.

 

The person being left has the pain of being left to deal with, but the dumper has the pain of guilt and sadness of hurting another person, combined with a familiar attachment, though one you know can't be permanent.

 

So it's just something you have to live with for a while as the price you pay for doing what you know is the right thing. My ex-husband married again and is just fine and I am happy he did, though it was hard on both of us for a while after i told him i wanted a divorce and we first broke up.

 

As they say, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind!

[Jessie00]

if my ex sends me a birthday card or text or email it will definitely make me have false hope. either that, or remind me that he's a nice person, which will just make it harder for me to move on. don't do it! you're going to make it harder for him to let go if ya do.

[Eclipse11]

Aw Lavenderdove I am so glad that you understand, it makes me feel much better...I feel exactly the same as you said it, so sad that I have caused him pain and still feeling attached but inside my heart knowing that I have to do this...( even when I go to the gym a part of me wishes I would bump into him there )

 

But you're right, it's a temporary price to pay and I know it is, I have no doubt that I have done the right thing in setting him free to find somebody else...thanks so much for understanding

 

Thank you Jessie00...looks like I'm going to have to look like a beeyatch then if it will make it easier for him...I do think it'd be nice to send a card but instinct tells me that it'll make it much worse for him and put him right back to square one...

 

Thanks Eclipse x

[LifeGoesOn09]

For what its worth when my ex's birthday comes along in a few months I'll say happy birthday as I do care. Should I not say happy birthday to her well who knows but that's what I want to do.

[savignon]

How about sending a text (which is less effort and thought than a card and could therefore be less misleading) and say something like, "Happy Birthday. I hope this new year brings new happiness and blessings. One day we will both see how this all worked out for the best. Take care"

Maybe that's a little rude...?? What do I know?

My 2 cents is that being "thoughtful" while reminding him you don't want him is going to be painful for him. So, depending on whether you want to put yourself first (as in, "I want to do this so I'm doing this") or think of him first (as in, "I really want him to heal and not give him any false hope or rub it in that we're broken up")

Best wishes.