My gf works as a server and it makes me uncomfortable - LONG!

[maaatt]

My gf works as a server at an irish pub/restaurant. There have been a few things that have made me uncomfortable.

 

The first was when at a party she got into a play fight with a male coworker in front of me. He swore at her and then she ran over to him and initiated physical contact. After around 10 seconds of punching and wrestling it ended with him wrapping his arms around her to subdue her. Then we got into a big fight after on whether play fighting is considered flirting. She made up a bunch of dumb excuses like "he's like a brother so they fight like brothers and sisters" (even though they're not close friends), and that "if she didn't stick up for herself he would continue to call he names" (how old is she lol?) Then she said it wasn't flirting because she didn't intend it to be. She said everyone at her restaurant said play fighting between close male and female friends isn't flirting. And she agreed with them. Even though she admitted if roles were reversed and I had done the same scenario with a female coworker of mine she would have been upset. Then she placed blame on him for wrapping his arms around her even though she was the one to initiate contact. That was the first time I had hung around her and her coworkers and after that incident (which I almost broke up with her over) I had my antennas up. I thought maybe my boundaries were different than hers. Before she met me it seemed like all her friends and life basically revolved around her job. I think her maturity was stunted by the influence of the restaurant she was working in.

 

So fast-forward a month or so. She said there was a guy that worked as a cook and when she would go into the kitchen he would make comments about her butt looking good. I asked if this bothered her at all. She said she told him she has a bf and that he should stop. I told her that what he was doing was sexual harassment and that if it truly bothered her she should tell a manager and that it would stop. She was against that and said, "it would be bad karma to get another person fired." I was like, "Uh.. does someone have to physically assault you for you to be more proactive..?" I asked her what if a manager groped her.. what would she do? She said, "Well... It's not like I could prove it happened in court..." This bothered me. I wish she was more proactive. She also refused to let me talk to the guy or even know his name, for fear that I could get her in trouble. I asked her if it truly bothered her and that say she was single would she care. She said if she was single she'd probably just "shrug his comments off."

 

Fast forward another month. My gf was upset because she said there was a rumor floating around her work that "she had cheated on her boyfriend." Now, this was weird to me because I don't even know anyone from her job or even visit the restaurant ever... It just seemed like an odd rumor to just pop up. After a few days she said she found out who it was and that "she him out and won't talk to him anymore." I asked what it was about and she said "a male coworker of hers spread a rumor of hooking up with her because he wanted attention." I asked what this guy's name was and she wouldn't tell me. She said she handled it herself and that she didn't want me getting her in trouble at work. I said what's the harm in me calling the guy or seeing him outside her work and telling him to lay off messing with my gf or something..? But she was resolute. Wouldn't tell me his name or number.

 

Then I told her what he did to her was sexual harassment and that she even has the texts from him if she needed to prove it. But she refused to pursue any of that. She says she already handled it.

 

Lastly, on my birthday I got a text from an unknown number that just said "happy birthday." My gf asked who is that? And judging from the area code I kind of knew who it was. It was a girl I had a short fling with a year before. Like not even bf/gf. Just a one night stand. And I told my gf that I don't talk to this person anymore and even deleted them off my facebook friends when we started dating (my current gf and i). And that I wouldn't reply to the text and just deleted it. She was still giving me hell about it and I said, "well why don't we check your phone and see how free of exes you are then..?" She said, "Fine." Sure enough she had a saved text from her ex-bf of 3 years and she even had his contact info still on her phone. The text was just a hello but it was from the time my gf and i had been together for a couple months.

 

And she's the one that is so jealous of exes she says we can't use ex names at all, ever. Even though she says she stayed good friends with her ex of 3 years for years after they broke up. And had quite a few exes as facebook friends. And she currently even works alongside a guy she dated for over a year! So she sees him almost every other day. Yet if I just bring up one of my past exes names (and it's not like I do it very ofter; and every time I ever have, it's always been in putting them in a bad light) she throws a stink fit.

 

The point I'm getting at here is when we were looking at her phone together she had texts from yet another guy coworker (one of her better friends there). It was from around the time her and I were a couple for a month and a half. He sent things like "sweet dreams sweetie" and "I wanna nap w u." at like 1 a.m. I confronted her about it and she said, "well it's the restaurant industry..." Then she said, "Oh, well he talks to all the girls like that..." I said I still thought it was inappropriate and she agreed. I asked her if a girl had send those things to me if she would be upset and she said, "oh yeah." She said whenever he says stuff like that to her she always tells him to stop and that she has a bf (I guess he's a habitual offender; I also see her more like the type to laugh it off than tell him to stop). So a bit later she said that "that's the reason I don't hang around him anymore." (yet she invited him to come to a waterpark with her and I just a week prior. So that didn't make sense). So her excuses went from restaurant industry -> That's how he is with everyone -> I always tell him to stop -> I don't even hang around him anymore.

 

I told her she seemed willing to shun him now that she saw that I was upset about how he talked to her and didn't respect our relationship. I said I wished she would have been that way on her own accord and that it wouldn't take me to finding out things for her to then be "offended by his behavior."

 

Last thing on the restaurant industry - When we first went out she would tell me she had to flirt to make good tips. Then a month later or so she would say she didn't flirt, she enticed. Or something like that. Then nowadays she says she used to flirt with people before she had a boyfriend but doesn't now. I just take her word for it. Not that it should even bug me that much (that's getting pretty nitpicky) but my gf is the type that if even a girl glances at me she gets super jealous. So I know if roles were reversed she would be upset with me lol.

 

Yes, long story. Basically my gf's work makes me uncomfortable. It seems like all the guys she works with are creepers and I'm not sure if my gf enjoys getting too much attention (for my liking) from people or not. I also wish she were more proactive in putting people in their place when they do things that I consider are sexual harassment.

[hexaemeron]

Okay, brah. I'm not gonna sugar coat this. It's very simple. You're needy and overbearing and she's immature and hypocritical. I'm not surprised you two are having problems.

 

If she was doing this work when you got together, you have zero ground to stand on being uncomfortable with it. She'll have been doing it before you, and will be doing it after you aren't together anymore because your seemingly constant nagging will put her right off you.

 

Now, having said that, she has zero right to be jealous or spiteful if people talk to you the way people talk to her at work. She can't have it both ways.

 

How old are you two btw? I'm guessing late teens, maybe very early 20s?

[maaatt]

Okay, brah. I'm not gonna sugar coat this. It's very simple. You're needy and overbearing and she's immature and hypocritical. I'm not surprised you two are having problems.

 

If she was doing this work when you got together, you have zero ground to stand on being uncomfortable with it. She'll have been doing it before you, and will be doing it after you aren't together anymore because your seemingly constant nagging will put her right off you.

 

Now, having said that, she has zero right to be jealous or spiteful if people talk to you the way people talk to her at work. She can't have it both ways.

 

How old are you two btw? I'm guessing late teens, maybe very early 20s?

 

I agree that I can be overbearing. I used to not be as bad. She even had a "bestie" that was another one of her guy coworkers. They would text each other late at night and I never raised a fuss over it. But after the play fight at the party thing changed things and it's been hard for me to get over. I've already asked her if I'm being too stifling to her but she says she understands why I would be uncomfortable with some of the situations. She's 23. I'm 29.

 

I'm also caught her in some pointless white lies so that has also contributed to some trust issues along the way.

[hexaemeron]

I agree that I can be overbearing. I used to not be as bad. She even had a "bestie" that was another one of her guy coworkers. They would text each other late at night and I never raised a fuss over it. But after the play fight at the party thing changed things and it's been hard for me to get over. I've already asked her if I'm being too stifling to her but she says she understands why I would be uncomfortable with some of the situations. She's 23. I'm 29.

 

I'm also caught her in some pointless white lies so that has also contributed to some trust issues along the way.

 

Restaurants and pubs really are like that, though. They're very "familiar" with each other. It doesn't necessarily indicate anything, because frankly, she could cheat in any situation, anywhere, and you'd never know.

 

The fact she was showing you this behavior meant she's comfortable with it, AND you seeing it. You just have to suck it up, man. That's who she is and what she does. Being an ogre about it won't score you any points with anyone.

 

But again, having said that, homegirl needs to check herself and realize that those doors swing both ways, and you can get a Happy Birthday text from someone without her going all Linda Blair on you.

[misssmithviii]

The problem isn't her work as a server - it's her. I think you've been reasonable in the past and what she's done has made you uncomfortable - very understandable. She sounds very attention hungry, and I think it'd make any bf uneasy if they're gf was behaving like this; especially with her double-standard.

 

Personally, I couldn't even continue a relationship with somebody that is more drama than anything. I also cannot handle someone lying to me, it's just my personal preference because I don't like the idea that someone I'm being 100% honest with is even able to look at me straight, and lie. It's demeaning and I have way too much self-respect to deal with things I don't want to deal with... especially time and time again.

 

Have you tried talking to her about this and telling her where you're coming from? Explain to her that you have expectations of what you want in a relationship, and she's crossed some boundaries that make you uncomfortable. Tell her you're not looking for a relationship like how this one is at present and either she needs to understand and work on it, or you'll respectfully consider moving on to someone who's more compatible with you - with the same morals and values.

[greywolf]

I think that you need to relax a little. If people make comments at work and she doesn't see it as a problem, then just leave it at that. She's an adult and you're not her mom. You don't have to go and confront people for her.

 

Have you both really talked about this in a calm manner, instead of accusing each other of doing something? If not, it sounds like that could be something for you two to do. Tell her how you feel about guys at work saying those things to her, and explain how you feel it's inconsistent with how she feels about girls saying things to you.

[maaatt]

I think that you need to relax a little. If people make comments at work and she doesn't see it as a problem, then just leave it at that. She's an adult and you're not her mom. You don't have to go and confront people for her.

 

Have you both really talked about this in a calm manner, instead of accusing each other of doing something? If not, it sounds like that could be something for you two to do. Tell her how you feel about guys at work saying those things to her, and explain how you feel it's inconsistent with how she feels about girls saying things to you.

 

Yeah, we've always talked about it calm. We never have yelling fights. Basically, the nearest we get to fighting is more like casually discussing. It's not so much that it's just hypocritical - it's that my gf might enjoy attention a little too much for my comfort.

 

You talk about comments at work, but what about the inappropriate text received outside of work?

 

Another small thing (not work related; more so attention related) - months ago I passed by her one day and she's on the couch with her laptop in her facebook inbox. I walk by and there's some message from a guy with the subject line of "

 

^ That is just weird behavior to me. I haven't had a big glaring red flag but I've gotten all these tiny little red flags.

[misssmithviii]

I think that although she can make her own decisions and it's her life, you must realize it's your life too, and you can make decisions for yourself. If her behavior is this bothersome, then it's either deal with it and risk resentment towards her, don't accept it and leave, or she changes it willingly by understanding where you're coming from and how negatively it affects you.

 

I personally believe if she's crossing your lines, then why should you change them to suit her? Why can't she just stop the behavior that hurts you? The same can be argued the other way around - and my point is that it is moot to argue about boundaries when it is YOUR relationship. I can only tell you that IMO that is very shady behavior in the eyes of my man and I, and it seems like her lifestyle will not change no matter how much it may disturb you.

 

You must make a choice, or accept the relationship as it is.

[greywolf]

That does sound like suspicious behavior, but it's really hard for me to tell without actually knowing you too. It could be because she's doing things that she knows she shouldn't, or it could be because she doesn't like causing conflict between you two.

[maaatt]

That does sound like suspicious behavior, but it's really hard for me to tell without actually knowing you too. It could be because she's doing things that she knows she shouldn't, or it could be because she doesn't like causing conflict between you two.

 

I'm really presenting things in an unbiased manner. I think it's a combination of the two reasons you listed - I think she knew it was wrong and also didn't want to upset me. They're don't have to be mutually exclusive.

[maaatt]

Understood. I also don't believe I should change to accept her ways of doing things if I'm uncomfortable. Well, it all came to a head a couple weeks ago. I sat her down and said we were going to break up because of differences (there are a couple other issues bothering me - the fact that she'd lied to my face about something and then when caught said that "it was a painful memory so she forgot it ever happened"). Anyways, I told her that she wasn't at fault and neither was I. That it was just certain aspects of our personalities that didn't mesh that well together. She was devastated and asked to at least try couples counseling. Which we did. But I didn't get much out of the one session.

[misssmithviii]

You two should've resumed couples counseling if anything - just because you don't get much out of one session doesn't mean you can't gain more as it progresses with time and effort.

[OptomisticGirl]

While I am 'overly nice' to people and thought of as a flirt at times because of my personality, I would NEVER play wrestle with another guy, not even my gay best friend. Never. That is too close of contact and I know I wouldn't like it if my man play wrestled with another woman. Shoot, if anything I'd have her by her hair before she could say 'huh?!'

 

Also, as a woman I have been hit on a lot in my working career. Sometimes by lewd customers thinking they are funny and other times by men old enough to be my grandfather. Point is I put a stop to it right than. I respect myself enough to do that. There are reasons when working as a cashier I walked backwards to grab cigs or never wore a low cut shirt. It invites attention. Now if this was a friendly exchange (such as my gay best friend use to be one of my co workers and he would always make a sexual comment about my butt. That, I didn't care) but some random co worker? Hell no. He'd be sued for sexual harrasment in a heart beat!

 

You can not down play those night time messages like that. No woman is wishing my man good night but me. Yeah it's controlling but I don't care. That, again, is too intimate for me. Especially calling her 'sweetie'. Really? I call everyone darling but that's because I'm from the south!

 

I agree with everyone else, she has no right to get mad at you when you put up with the same stuff. Def. agree with that.

 

I don't know if her work environment is the cause of it but there seems to be a lot of mistrust between you. You need to work this out because without trust, you can't make a relationship work. And all those 'little white lies' add up in time.

[Juxtapoz]

the fact that she shows you her messages is a sign she likes the attention, even from you. getting a jealous rise shows you care, so it's gratifying for her.

 

i'm sorry...she sounds really immature and annoying. i've worked as a server in plenty of places, on and off for 12 years. in some places the vibe felt incestuous while other places were cool and professional. it just depends on the atmosphere. i'd cut her loose or contain yourself with jealousy, because it sounds like it fuels her nature.

maybe you guys are oil and water?

[Baily]

Here's my 2 cents...

 

the behavior she's showing is EXACTLY the same that my wife did....eventually I caught her cheating.

 

this 'playful' behavior she calls it...IS FLIRTING...word it however you want...but you know it was flirting and yet after talking to her...you have your mind wondering if it is or isn't....even though you saw it with your own eyes.

 

you could have seen the color yellow...but if she talked to you enough you'd be wondering if it was or if it was green....meaning ...if you want to believe anything you'll ignore every sense you have to believe what you want.

 

She did a great job of working you over to convince you that it isn't.

 

...there's a reason rumors become rumors.....too often they are true

 

also....late night texting.....you should have run right there and then....

 

stay if you want...but know she's out playing the field....maybe not getting sexual...though my bet is that she has....but for sure she's cheating emotionally.

 

It's hard to do....but I'd call it off...and move on.

[maaatt]

Yes. I would prefer her to have a similar proactiveness as yourself.

[maaatt]

In her defense the text about "wanna take a nap with you" was from months ago, and she's gotten more distant from all her work buddies as time has passed. Her cell rarely gets any messages on it anymore. And she says she doesn't touch her guy coworkers anymore (I would just have to take her word for it). But the thing that bothers me is that whenever she's had to remedy past poor behavior, it's because I had to catch her in the act. I feel that deep down she doesn't consider what she was doing as as big a deal as I do. And this worries me for say.. future problems.

[hexaemeron]

In her defense the text about "wanna take a nap with you" was from months ago, and she's gotten more distant from all her work buddies as time has passed. Her cell rarely gets any messages on it anymore. And she says she doesn't touch her guy coworkers anymore (I would just have to take her word for it). But the thing that bothers me is that whenever she's had to remedy past poor behavior, it's because I had to catch her in the act. I feel that deep down she doesn't consider what she was doing as as big a deal as I do. And this worries me for say.. future problems.

 

Well of course she doesn't. You have a problem with it, and I guess that's your choice. However, if she's remedying these problems for your benefit (which is another problem entirely and out of the scope of this discussion), you cannot continue to be upset because "Well, she's only doing it for me, she doesn't really believe this is wrong."

 

If she felt it was wrong in the first place, she wouldn't have ever done it. -- Just be thankful that she's making the effort for you and take that, or... if it's such a big deal that she doesn't automatically feel the same way, then let her go and find someone who does.

[maaatt]

Well of course she doesn't. You have a problem with it, and I guess that's your choice. However, if she's remedying these problems for your benefit (which is another problem entirely and out of the scope of this discussion), you cannot continue to be upset because "Well, she's only doing it for me, she doesn't really believe this is wrong."

 

If she felt it was wrong in the first place, she wouldn't have ever done it. -- Just be thankful that she's making the effort for you and take that, or... if it's such a big deal that she doesn't automatically feel the same way, then let her go and find someone who does.

 

My problem with the current is that the "I want to take a nap with you" text was from January. I only found out about it in April. All those inbetween months she would try to make plans for her and I to hang out with that guy. Even the week before I read that old text we were planning something with him. And she sent him a "get well" post on his facebook wall when he was sick in April. So when she says that "she doesn't talk or associate with him at all anymore because he was being innapropriate" I just take it as her telling me what I'd want to hear. Because apparently she only started to take serious offense to what he was saying after I found out about it.