Stress and Pressure Are Too Much

[WomanWriter]

I need more counseling that I am getting right now. I don't have medical insurance anymore and can only see someone about once a month, but it is not enough for me! I am doing bibilotherapy and pastoral counseling as well, but it is still not enough.

 

I am codependent with symptoms of major depression and OCD. Lots of people know my past because I have shared it on ENA and some people have not been helpful because I feel judged and attacked by them. I KNOW I have personal problems and I need help.

 

But now I feel even more pressure. My ex boyfriend is doing everything in his power to "prove" to me that I should get back together with him AND marry him. We agreed to be friends and generally do have fun together just doing friendly things, but his pressure is too much. He has started getting his life together in some areas so that I can see that he is changing.

 

I let him no IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS last night that I have no intention of getting back together with him at this point. I told him there are too many issues I have with him and that's that. I told him I have my own mental health issues to work on and I can't work on his as well.

 

Well, get this...he tells me that he went behind my back and asked the pastor for advice on getting me an engagement ring. He says the pastor supports this and thinks we are a good influence on each other. But the pastor just sees us laughing and talking, so naturally it looks like we are into each other and happy. I mean, of course we laugh together because I do care about him and we have fun. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I WANT TO GETBACK TOGETHER.

 

We were hanging out and he told me he intends to do whatever it takes to earn my trust.

 

I am still trying to find full-time work and am battling negative thoughts and depression. I need more therapy and am trying to find some I can afford.

 

I just feel like I'm going to break. All this pressure is too much. I am trying so hard to be assertive and honest but it is tough. I don't really need advice, just need to vent. I don't want any extra problems by leaving my church responsibilities (yet...I still have things to take care of there and have raised a lot of money for upcoming events...I can't bow out at this time). I just feel stuck.

 

Our mutual friends keep telling me that my ex adores me and that I really should give him more time, but I keep saying that words are nothing and actions are everything. If he wants to change for himself, then do it, I tell him. But don't even suggest being together until that time and don't even count on it.

 

I told him straight up that I don't want to hurt him or give him false hope. He just doesn't seem to realize that change is not easy and words are not going to make me automatically get back together with him.

 

I just am carrying so many issues in my head, all these nightmares, all this anxiety. My family asking when I'm going to find a better job. My boss from my current job not coming through with work on time. My immediately family dumping their mental problems into my lap when I have my own... I want to hide in a cave sometimes.

[iBroken]

Been there done that. Still feel overwhelmed at times.

 

You might have to end your friendship with the ex until to avoid the pressure he is putting on you.

 

As for the fam, I found they stopped dumping their sh*t on me when I stopped acting like I cared (when I was depressed myself)......maybe just tell them to bugger off for a bit while you regroup (in a friendly manner of course).

[KG]

WW,

Are there any free counseling services offered by community/church/state, etc. My sister went to one sponsored by our county, it was free, once a week.

[sophie274]

I agree with trying to find counseling through a church, but NOT your current one. I understand why you don't want to leave but I think that pastor has way overstepped the boundaries of what is appropriate as far as interfering in his parishioners' relationships. I would not confide in him anymore, and not speak to him about any kind of relationship with B, friendship or otherwise. If he tries to pressure about that situation, just tell him you'd rather not discuss it. You're entitled to privacy about it from him.

 

Secondly, I think you should end your friendship with B. I don't think you even like the guy as a friend - I mean, you had MANY many bad things to say about him that didn't just affect his potential as a romantic partner, but as a friend. I know you've said in the past you were just venting, but I do not think it's normal to have so many venomous things to say about someone you are friends with. My friends all get on my nerves every once in a while (except for those rare angels), but if I thought they stole, were lazy, worked the system, were dirty/gross, assaulted me while we were dating, and if I did not have respect for them, I would be done with them. Basically, I don't feel you two are a good match as far as friendship goes.

 

It's not surprising he still has his hopes up if you two are continuing to be friends - you broke up with him before, did the friends thing and got back together, not to mention that the time you spend together now does not seem very different from the time you spent when you were dating. I think the relationship with him is very toxic for you and nothing but a headache, and you should cut the cord once and for all with him. You'll relieve yourself of a ton of pressure.

 

As far as depression and OCD - I really hope you can find therapy and possibly psychiatric treatment (meds) as soon as possible.

 

I still think you need to stand up for yourself and do what you can so as not to be completely worn down emotionally:

- end the friendship with B

- do not engage with the pastor about your relationship with B - he gives you bad advice, and you owe him nothing on that count

- don't allow your family to dump problems onto you: you can give support but stay on the sidelines

[orchidrose]

Many therapists will provide services based on a sliding scale. I found mine on Psychology Today's website; the site will also tell you what the doctors' specialities are, and you can do a phone consultation for free. Also check to see if there are any community counseling centers in your town, which will usually provide services for free or at low cost.

 

I agree with everything sophie said about B and your pastor. I know you were trying to be gracious in remaining friends with him, but he's obviously unable to be friends without hoping and wishing that you'll get back together and even get married.