How do approach this situation without being mean?

[tadams]

So one of my "best friends" has been sort of distant from me lately. For the past 8 days, when I text her or ask her something, she says she's sick, at work, or something. She always says she'll call or text me back though. She is putting off finalizing our rescheduled vacation. She said she would check with her boss to be sure, that she thought it would be fine... but has not followed through. She asked if I wanted to get together one day but never followed through. I'm sick of waiting on when it's convenient for her. She txt me yesterday that she cussed her boss out because he personally insulted her, but when I asked her about it, she never called me. I specifically ask her to call me and she says she will when she gets off work, etc... I'm tired of the bs, I mean after 8 days of excuses and playing games, like doing just enough to keep me thinking she wants to talk or spend time together, but not following through... I know today, she will txt me once again that she is sorry she didn't get back with me, yada yada. But I've heard that one too many times. I don't want to create a dramatic, unnecessary argument, I just want her to know that it's not cool how she has been acting lately. I want her to know she has hurt me and that I feel ignored. I don't know what is wrong with her. She asked me to stay with her last week, but this week, she's can't find 5 minutes to speak to me. I'm tired of the excuses. I feel that I value her friendship more than she does mine. I know that many would say, forget her, but it's not that simple. We are very close, and this is not like her. When she texts me today, and I know she will just to make sure of me, I don't know whether to tell her "I will get back with you" like she has done to me, or to tell her how I feel she has hurt me... I don't want to be dramatic, but I feel that she needs to know it's not ok to treat me like this. I know she will get defensive and say she's been stressed (which she has) but true friends allow time for their friends... she starts to tell me that she's had a bad day, but then expects me to hang around and have time for her, I feel. I don't want to act like an immature child. We are both adults. How should I handle this situation? I have confronted her in the past and simply asked her to always be real with me, and she started crying and apologizing like a child who just got in trouble with her mother... which I do believe she has insecurities about confrontation. She's afraid of people to be mad at her, as I feel the same way. She expects me to always be there, and I'm tired of feeling like a doormat. But it honestly doesn't cross her mind. She would swear up and down that she hasn't tried to hurt me, yada yada. I don't know what to do or say... I would appreciate any advice.

 

I also wanted to mention that it takes alot for me to get angry. After I have had my feelings hurt, I do get very angry and sometimes, and I can say things I regret. That's why I'm trying to carefully consider my actions and words, and I need help. Should I just text or call her and maybe simply send this

"Why do people adore those who ignore them, ignore those who adore them, love those who hurt them, and hurt those who love them?"

or should I say you have really hurt me? I'm just at a loss for words...or should I just ignore her until she makes an effort? That's really hard though...

 

She has texted me some, but not followed through on anything. There is no hint or irritability or anger, so I don't know what to think...

[geekgirl4]

If she's having sudden personality changes, I'm going to chalk it up to something big happening that's upsetting her or she's going through depression or both. Something is just bringing her down in life so be nice. Rather than nagging at her on why she's not calling you back sit her down one day and very calmly and nicely, tell her you've noticed she's been acting differently lately. If there's anything going on in her life that she needs to talk about, you'll be there for her to listen. Why? Because you care about her and are worried about how different she's been acting lately.

 

If she still doesn't 'fess up to what's going on, give her her space. If she ends up never discussing what's going on, then don't be as close to her anymore.

[sunshine1]

You know, I totally understand that friendships are very important and its not cool to just blow off your friends.

 

BUT, sometimes people just need "me" time. This is obviously just my opinion, but I have had several friends who think we need to see each other every single day, talk on the phone, and text multiple times a day. It can get old really quick.

 

I LOVE my friends to death and would do anything for them, but I don't necessarily want to be around them every single day. So, maybe she feels you guys have been talking/seeing each other a lot and she's trying to catch up with other people, or just relax, or sleep.

 

I think the fact that she is still staying in some time of contact means that she cares a lot about you and probably still wants to hang out, but maybe she just needs a little break from the social life or whatever.

 

I don't think you should send that quote. I think if you want to say something it should be simple:

 

"Hey, I feel like you've been distant lately. Not calling me back or following through with plans. Is there something wrong?"

 

Maybe you can let her know its ok to not see each other every day, but that you would appreciate if she says she is going to do something she would do it, ie call or make concret plans. And that if she thinks she might be too busy to call or make plans, then she shouldn't tell you she is going to.

 

But, like I mentioned, I think that she is still keeping in some sort of contact with you so it's not like she's ignoring you and that maybe she just needs some personal space. The only way to know is to talk to her but try to be accusatory

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Is this more than just friendship? Do you have a romantic interest in her? There are lots of people who treat someone like crap the minute they know that person has a romantic interest in them. It sounds like you have told her enough times that her actions hurt you but she still continues to do it. I would tell her one more time that her hot/cold behaviour is very hurtful and ask her one last time about the vacation. If she can't give you a straight answer about the vacation I would suggest you make other plans with someone else or on your own. Do not wait around for her to make up her mind. I wonder what that personal insult was that she felt the need to cuss our her boss. She really doesn't sound like a class act...it sounds like she has a grand sense of entitlement.

 

"Why do people adore those who ignore them, ignore those who adore them, love those who hurt them, and hurt those who love them?"

 

I would NOT send this...although it is a very true statement of how people tend to be.

[tadams]

I just sent her this: "I have tried to talk to you numerous times. I feel there is something wrong... Will you talk to me about it? And yes, I do agree with people needing their own space. I know the feeling. But she just goes from one extreme to the other. I think she may be depressed. She has a history of it. Thank you all for your honest advice. Sometimes, it makes things alot clearer to get an outsider's opinion. Many people have said to just forget about her and let her come around, but I do care about her, and I want everything to be ok. Thanks again.

[tadams]

And her reply was: "I am feeding 200 people in less than 24 hrs and have a 20 hr day tomorrow. Gotta get thru sunday nite." (She is catering coordinator at a rest.) - She really must not get it. I mean, it seems like it does not even cross her mind what I'm trying to imply. She can hardly even check her msgs at work, so maybe she is trying to communicate, but her mind is somewhere else.

 

See it's things like that, that make me feel I'm over reacting... I have a hard time differentiating when between when people are ignoring me or too busy. I have just always tried to have faith in people and believe the good in people.

 

And my reply was, "I understand you are busy... I just don't undersatnd why you can't talk on your way home or some down time. Not trying to make you feel angry. Just tryin to understand. Hope you have a good day." I didn't know she was at work today, so I left it at that. She has ADHD, and I'm wondering if that contributes to her being "all over the place".

 

Thanks for the advice and for listening.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The problem is that people like her will always have reasons why they can't confirm plans or why they have to cancel..and every time those reasons sound plausible...until each isolated incident with a plausible reason starts to add up. There will always be something else that is uppermost in her mind that will prevent her from giving you the right time of day. Do you really want to be with someone whose life is supposedly that busy and chaotic that she doesn't have time for you?

[geekgirl4]

If you were romantically interested in her, then I can see how this situation is kind of a mess. But you're her friend, and if you're her best friend, you need to come to terms with the fact that she is super busy and super exhausted. It's hard to keep things straight in life when you hit this kind of busy point. Just let her know you'll be there but just do your own thing from now on without expecting things from her. You can still be close without having to talk every single day.

[tadams]

No, I am absolutely not interested in her like that. I don't expect to speak to her every single day... I just don't get why it's so hard for people to follow through and actually call a person back or follow through on the beginning of a conversation. And 8 days is a little much to not expect an answer or at least the decency to speak to me for five minutes. I'm not a hard person to please... Anyway, I know she is busy, but she has been acting very strangely, all over the place and initiating conversations and even getting together, just not following through. I am just going to wait until she contacts me. I'm tired of worrying about it.