99.9% sure; can you reassure me?

[Brigadoon]

Okay guys; I've made a decision here but I'm not going to say what it is. I'm just going to throw it out there and see what you'd advise. I'm great at telling you what to do so now I'm going to let you get some payback lol.

Okay now for the details:

My ex of two years, engaged for two months broke up with me and less than a month later was introducing a female friend that I had heard of but never met as his girlfriend.

After initially asking me to be friends, to which I refused and then backed down out of panic I went NC about three weeks after the break up. He reacted to this by openly rubbing this new relationship in all of my friends faces most likely in the hope they would tell me, which they did, and refusing to speak to me until around the good six month mark.

I contacted him and we met up to clear the air because all the nastiness from his side was distressing me, our mutual friends and his family (who we are still close to)

From that day the nastiness disappeared and we discussed the fact that my son missed him as they had been very close and he had really seen him as a father figure. I asked him to bear in mind that if he ever wanted to see my son that I would never have a problem with that.

It has now been five months and the door that I left open in order for him to feel he could see my son if he wished has been used to send me stupid texts asking "Any news?" and "How are you?" thus initiating conversations that seem to have the sole intention of knowing what I'm up to and filling me in on everything he's done since breaking up. I went along with this as I felt that in his position (and even though all the nastiness genuinely was from his side) that I would test the water a little bit but I really have had enough.

He seems to think that we have some sort of friendship going on and even came right out and asked me not to text him first as his girlfriend had a huge problem with me and is very insecure and has trust issues (!)

I think that I know what to do, and I certainly know what I want to do but I'm trying to keep everything calm for my son and my exes parents, who my son sees like grandparents and who see him as a surrogate grandchild. I would like to point out that our relationship with them works and they most emphatically do not think that I should ever take him back if the situation should arise; they were absolutely shocked and disgusted at his behavior also my son and I have no family and so this is hugely important if not to me (which it is) but to my son who loves them to bits.

As I have said I have pretty much made a 99.9% decision as to what I need to do here but I'm really just looking for some reasurrance and objective advice!

Thank's guys

[IvantheAvg]

Go no contact and move on. You are in a tough spot...but you need to move on from his family too.

[sphx26]

Yes, I'm sure you'd make the right decision. Nobody says it would be easy, but hang in there. We're all with you.

[savignon]

Sounds like you're making the right decision.

[Cognitive_Canine]

His nastiness and pettiness after the breakup is who he REALLY IS.

 

It's a complicated situation with your son but I feel that in order to do the best for your son, you need to be a happy and healthy parent. Having him around your son but distressing you will compromise your son's happiness.

[jenna-is-here]

I see that staying connected to the family is a value to you and your son (mom/grandma, etc). That connection comes with a price. The price is you getting hurt over and over again by leaving that door open with your ex.

 

I hate to say it but I dont think staying connected at this point is a solution that will help you move forward. It is not to say you can not reconnect with the family in the future but for now, I dont think hurting yourself for the sake of that connection seems worth it.

 

After my ex decided to not go the marriage route and move out, his mom was sick about it. She called me crying (yep) a few times. She wanted to keep in touch. I tried for a few weeks and then told her at some point in the future I would contact her but just couldnt at this point because everytime I talked to her or heard from her, it would set me back.

 

I think you should go NC again until you are fully over him for the sake of your peace of mind. I think it will be hard because you will feel the loss of his family. I just dont see how you can do it any other way and still feel okay about it. Remove yourself from what it hurting you.

[Adge]

Brigadoon. When the pain passes. Will you marry me? LOL

 

NC all the way! Ignore his "How are Yous"

[Brigadoon]

I can honestly say that my exes family have been nothing but supportive to myself and my son and we did give each other a huge amount of space at the beginning and worked very hard to find a way to rebuild a relationship that doesn't have him in it. He isn't close to his family and doesn't live nearby so there is no worries about bumping into him there. It was very weird and quite stressful at the start but I'm glad that we're still in touch. Whatever happens between us is whatever happens, either we'll stay close or else we'll drift away gradually so that part of the equation is fine with me. In fact as I type this his mother has just sent me a lovely message on skype!

My problem is whether I should stay NIC (grrr) with my ex and leave the door ajar in case he DOES want to see my son at some point. I think you can guess how I feel about that.

Or do I tell myself that if he had wanted to do it he would have explained it to the new GF and done it by now. Therefore there is nothing holding me back from going into NC and I'm definitely not being impatient and screwing over my son?

I don't want to be anywhere near the person that he turned into when we broke up and I have no intentions of taking him back so I could happily go NC forever. I am making the right decision though aren't I? It's easy for me to advise others but although I try to follow my own advice it's hard to be sure. Am I doing the right thing?

[Brigadoon]

Brigadoon. When the pain passes. Will you marry me? LOL

 

NC all the way! Ignore his "How are Yous"

 

Be careful Adge; the pain of this one passed a while back lol!

 

Thanks for the advice, all I know is that if I had wanted to see a child I was very fond of then I would have done it by now but I wouldn't like to cut someone out because I got impatient. I also don't want to be taken for a ride so it's finding the balance lol

[Dagmar]

I went thru something similar. He broke off with me. I did the NC thing, then tried to stay friends. Me, waiting for him to realize I was the one. Him, seeing this other person, still seemingly interested in me. It went on for 4 painful years. Finally, he said he couldn't handle the tension between she & I, so he left town. A year later, he called and said he was in Hawaii making a life for us! That was a year and a half ago.

[AutumnBorn]

Your son needs a sense of belonging and as much love as he can get in life. Can a child be loved too much or by too many people? I seriously doubt it. I'd stay close to the family and stay NIC with the ex.

 

I think his nastiness was, most likely, the pain he felt coming out. (When my daughter would ask why I was crying, I'd just tell her it was my sadness leaking out; it would end). People don't change their character, and the nastiness has stopped, so it's not like he ever really changed. He was just angry, for some reason. He's over it.

 

Now, the GF...he can't really care for her much, can he? He's contacting you, knowing it would hurt her if she found out, due to her insecurity and "trust issues" (insecurity and trust issues don't materialize out of thin air - she's probably heard some great things about you). You have to feel a little sorry for her, don't you? He'll forget to erase the text history someday, she'll see it, and think she was right to feel insecure...And she is right to feel it, isn't she?

[coolchick64]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation involving my kids and the ex's family. I think if you talk to the grandparents about what you want to do and assure them you value your relationship with them, it'll be okay. The downside is you may end up too connected to his whole situation to let go and heal. You'll have to assess this as it unfolds. But I think there's a way to go NC without alienating everyone else. In fact, based on what you've said, I suspect they'd support you.

[Brigadoon]

Thanks for all your input guys; I'm going to go NC and I'm not breaking it unless he has something to say that's actually worth responding to ie "How's ****?, would he like me to take him to kick a ball around in the park?"

Apart from that he can shove it up his... you get the picture