Men are so confusing!

[evan123]

I have been dating a guy casually for 3 months. He was really into me before we started dating and often says I wanted nothing to do with him for so long. Anyway.....within this 3 months he has been very interested for weeks contacting and asking me out a lot and then seems to only contact a day or so the next week. We both agreed we could see others although we both act like we are not interested in others.

 

There are weeks he blows me off and says he is too busy to see me and then weeks he texts or calls a lot. Most of the time he calls me last minute for dates. I am trying to play it cool because he seems half interested. I also always have to come to him and he never comes over my place. He plays golf on his two days off per week and never makes plans with me in advance.

 

Last Friday night I happen to run into him out with my friends and I drank too much and when he stated he wanted to go home and go to bed I took it wrong and told him I did not want to see him anymore. He stated I was going to be at the beach most of the summer weekends so it didn't matter anyway. I left and then got really mad and ended up drunk texting him and then in the morning kept sending text after text and he never responded. Finally when I said this is my last text he called me and asked to get togther. I went to see him and played it cool and left after a few hours just enjoying spending time with him and not talking about the relationship. He told me he just had to get up for work early and that is why he brushed me off the night before. Things seemed fine. Well now it's Thursday evening and I have not heard from him. We are both 40 years old.

 

Do I give it more time and contact? Do I wait for him to call me as I feel like a fool from last weekend drunken episode? Is he just not that interested?

 

Help me! LOL! Men are so confusing!

[DN]

Do you mean this particular guy is confused? I can see why he might be - you have really sent confusing messages.

[evan123]

There are weeks he blows me off and says he is too busy to see me and then weeks he texts or calls a lot. Most of the time he calls me last minute for dates. I am trying to play it cool because he seems half interested.

[Ebrithil]

You sound like you want both a casual and an intimate relationship which will confuse everyone. It can be very easy to want more from a relationship like that without realising it.

But your whole thing is your worrying and making a deal out of somthing that is supposed to be a no strings attached deal. If thats what you want then dont worry if you want to see him ask if hes free if you dont then dont.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't settle for "half interested" and I think he probably got overwhelmed -in a bad way - from all of your texting/drunk texting. That can be scary - I've been on the receiving end of similar behavior and it was a dealbreaker for me.

 

I would stop accepting last minute dates - in a nice, polite but assertive way - not in a confrontational or lecturing way - and see if he starts stepping up to the plate and showing more interest.

 

I am 43, stopped dating 5 years ago - I found certain men confusing but not as a gender because I was clear from my behavior and words that I expected to be treated with respect and like a lady.

[HeartGoesOn]

Why not ask him where you stand, and where this is going? It does sound like you're just casually dating, and not exclusive.

[nutbrownhare]

So this is how you treated him:

 

- telling him you didn't want to see him any more

- drunk texting him

- then text after text

 

To be honest, I think you were lucky that he agreed to meet you at all after that. I'd guess that the reason he did was so as not to leave everything hanging in the air in the very unpleasant way that, from your post, YOU seem to have left it.

 

I'd leave him alone. If this was just a blip in a long-standing friendship then he might come round. However, a quality guy is not going to be impressed by someone who throws a strop because he says he's going home, nor by someone who drunken texts him and then sends text after text after text. This all smacks of game-playing and neediness, and the only people who are going to find that attractive are ones who are into drama and chaos.

 

Learn from this. Appreciate how your own behaviour may impact on other people; how they respond will say something about who they are, but if you want someone to be open and honest with you that's where you need to start from yourself. The fact that your thread is entitled 'Men are so confusing!' suggests that you have not taken full responsibility for your own part in this.

[BriarRose]

There are weeks he blows me off and says he is too busy to see me and then weeks he texts or calls a lot. Most of the time he calls me last minute for dates. I am trying to play it cool because he seems half interested.

Based on this information, after dating for 3 months, I would say that nothing serious will ever come of this. If you are looking for a serious committment, I would try to move on from him.

[BriarRose]

Oh, and don't beat yourself up for what you did. I disagree with the others. He deserved it. He's been taking you for granted and your frustration and hurt had obviously built up over it.

[Batya33]

Oh, and don't beat yourself up for what you did. I disagree with the others. He deserved it. He's been taking you for granted and your frustration and hurt had obviously built up over it.

 

I don't think adults should harass other adults with text after text like that especially when they are drunk - that's where restraining orders are necessary. They went out casually, he was blowing hot and cold, she'd been accepting his last minute dates because she decided that was ok with her so it wasn't a shock to her. And, all he said was he wanted to go home and go to sleep - she blew that out of proportion. It's fine to feel frustrated and hurt but expressing it that way is inappropriate. And why burn bridges that way - she could cross paths with him again or he might down the road have had a friend to introduce her to or a job opportunity, etc.

[Day_Walker]

I think that you have to ask yourself, what do you want from this guy? After you answer that question ask yourself if this guys actions are consistent with what you want from him?

 

I think that he is just looking for something casual and that's it.

[BriarRose]

I don't think adults should harass other adults with text after text like that especially when they are drunk - that's where restraining orders are necessary. They went out casually, he was blowing hot and cold, she'd been accepting his last minute dates because she decided that was ok with her so it wasn't a shock to her. And, all he said was he wanted to go home and go to sleep - she blew that out of proportion. It's fine to feel frustrated and hurt but expressing it that way is inappropriate. And why burn bridges that way - she could cross paths with him again or he might down the road have had a friend to introduce her to or a job opportunity, etc.

Who cares about "burning bridges" with someone who treats you like that?

[Batya33]

Who cares about "burning bridges" with someone who treats you like that?

 

Because I don't think he treated her so badly - I think he wasn't into her and she acted in a pushy and then in a harassing way. I agree that he could have been more direct and polite but why burn bridges if you can stay on civil terms?

[Maya_A]

We both agreed we could see others although we both act like we are not interested in others.

 

OP, it says it right there. You agreed to be able to see others, so maybe he is. You may be acting like you are not interested in others but he may be acting like he is. Maybe he is seeing others also & therefore is not around or calling as much.

 

If you are not happy with that (seems not & I don't blame you if you like him a lot) then I'd have another very clear conversation where you tell him "remember when we agreed to keep this casual & could see others"? "I'm not comfortable with that anymore"...

 

Though it does seem as though he was fine with the sporadic way things were going, so what his response might be to that, may not be what you'd like to hear...

 

Anyway - you'd know at least...

 

But I have to say, after that blow out & your "drunk texts" barrage, I can't for the life of me understand him calling you & getting together, & neither of you saying anything much about what happened or the relationship lol...

 

Why would you want to "play it cool" versus sharing your honest feelings? It's important to communicate.

[nutbrownhare]

Who cares about "burning bridges" with someone who treats you like that?

 

It sounds as though the OP cares. It seemed she didn't actually want to lose contact with him, and I thought that was the point of the original post. If she really didn't want anything to do with him again, her actions would probably have done the trick.