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Bf broke up with me cause he's convinced I cheated on him when I haven't.


mylovemyway

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Now he's completely ignoring me because I impulsively sent him a harsh message.

 

Hi, I am new to this forum and I'm currently hurting really bad due to a break up. Here's a my story. Sorry it gets pretty long. If you don't want to read the whole thing then please scroll to down for cliff notes.

 

My boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me around 4 weeks ago because he is convinced that I have cheated on him when I have not. In a nutshell, this guy I will call M, is a high strung, paranoid, person. I've spoken to his sister and she told me he's always clinical anxiety and used to be on medication/saw a therapist. He is 26 years old and has only been in two relationships. M had his first girlfriend between the ages 18-20 and he claims that his ex was an awful, manipulative person who cheated on him repeatedly, and he knows it for a fact because the girl eventually admitted to it and guys she cheated with came forward. He stayed singled for 5 years after that, and I'm his second girlfriend.

 

For the 10 months we were together, we spent almost 24-7 together. We woke up, ate, went to work, and slept together. I felt that we both had great chemistry and really liked each other. However, throughout our relationship M has accused me of cheating on him in the rare occasions that we were apart. M claims that my behavior was often shady when I was apart. For example, I usually go to work with M every day, and there's been times when I did not, because I had to run errands. A couple of those times, I told M at the last minute that I will not be going into work with him. M felt that was really shady, because it was as though I "waited until he is locked into work" (as he phrases it) to go on a "secret mission." In the days where M thought I acted shady, they were days in which a guy whom I had a fling with (who is from out of town) is in town. M has a hard time believing that I did not cheat on him.

 

As another example, there was an incident where M and I got into a nasty fight right before bed. So I went home. M arrived to my house 1.5 hours later, and he was convinced someone was there. I was cooking up a huge batch of food that I obviously just bought from the supermarket. I binge eat when I'm upset (which I later explained to M). M said he saw a weird truck parked outside my condo. M was feeling sick at that moment he started throwing up in the bathroom, and he says that while he was throwing up, I opened the door that LEADS to the garage several times as though I was letting someone "exit." The reality is that I opened the door maybe twice, to make sure the garage door was closed since I was going to bed. The garage door itself never opened, which would be required for someone to exit the garage. I never asked M if he heard the garage door open, cause you know those things are quite loud. Anyway, then M claims he saw a contented "smile" on my face as I was walking back from the door, while he was throwing up in the toilet, as though I was satisfied that I let this imaginary person out. M is convinced that someone was at my house because 1) I was cooking a huge amount of food that's meant for more than one person 2) the weird truck outside that later disappeared 3) I opened the door to the garage while he was in the bathroom supposedly "smiled" afterwards. This whole thing is like * * * ????? to me.

 

I think M might be delusional, but he's been really adamant in convincing me that he's seen these "things" and weird "patterns" in my behavior, and that anyone would think I am cheating if they were in his shoes. I don't doubt that my behavior could be a little strange, as I'm not a "normal" person (I've been very independent and solitary my entire life; I'm shy and often feel awkward in my interactions with others). It is also possible that I've had awful luck with the timing of things, but I know a lot of it is HIS paranoia.

 

To be fair, when we weren't having these issues, M and I got along well for the most part and really cared about each other. The good was good, but the bad is clearly very bad.

 

I stuck around for so long because I know I'm innocent and I really cared about this guy, and I kept hoping that he will come around. I hoped that over time he will see that I only want him, and he will never find me cheating. Yet as time goes by, M finds more and more "incidents" where he suspects me of cheating, and it becomes even tougher for him to trust me.

 

So 4 weeks ago, M finally broke things off with me, saying he just can't deal with it anymore. He seems to think that I most likely cheated on him, and he says that if I didn't, he just can't be with me anymore because my behavior is so "shady" that it causes him too much paranoia and pain. He believes we are incompatible because he is more paranoid than the average guy and I am more shady than the average girl.

 

He says he's talked to neutral third parties (his friends) about my behavior and all the "incidents" and they all agree that I look like someone who is cheating. I wonder if they will say the same thing if they heard my side of the story?

 

After we broke up 4 weeks ago, we continued to talk on the phone or text briefly almost every day. He says that breaking up was definitely not a mistake, and he's not ready to get back together right now, though he sees a possibility in future. He refuses to see me and tell me not to go anywhere where I may run into him. Being the emotional wreck I am, and immature at handling situations like this, I pressured M into telling me what's going on. I kept asking him, "Do you really think I've cheated on you or you just don't know? Can you ever see yourself trusting me again? If there's no chance, I want to just move on." He continued to tell me he's not sure, and I was really hurt and felt like he was stringing me along, so 5 days ago I sent him this text message:

 

"I've rethought things and I've come to a realization. You believe my word or you don't. There's no in between. If you have to question the sincerity of my word after the 100th time, it means you don't believe me. Time wont change anything. I don't want some jerk who thinks I'm a lying cheating * * * * to have any place in my life or heart anymore. I deserve someone who will love and trust me, and you clearly have not and will never be able to give that to me. You can't even give me something as simple as respect. I am done trying until i am in tears to prove to you that I am a decent human being. You shouldve stopped proving to me you are a jerk who has no respect for me. Word of advice: get off your high horse thinking you are better, more sincere, and more honest than everyone else. You wanted so badly to be right about me, that I'm just another lying piece of s--t so you can feel like you're too good for me. You have blown up every I thing I did just so you can feel right. Well you're f--g wrong and I don't care what you think anymore. I happen to be a kind person with a lot to offer and it is your loss. Just don't contact me again. I won't contact you either. This will also make things simple."

 

He responded that he's sorry I am so upset, and that he doesn't think I'm a terrible person at all. He thinks we should stop talking as well. He said "You have hurt me badly. You won't be hearing from me again."

 

After that, I never heard from him again. I left him about 3 voicemails and 4 texts over the last 5 days saying I am sorry and I didn't mean what I said. He completely ignored them.

 

CLIFF NOTES

 

-I dated a guy I'll call "M" for around 10 months.

-We spent almost 24/7 together and seemed to really care about each other, had great chemistry, etc.

-"M" has issues of anxiety/paranoia and from being cheated on in the past

-Throughout our relationship he has accused me of cheating on him, when I have not

-We fight about it, and I argue with him until I'm blue in my face that I have not cheated

-I tell him numerous times that I am with him because I want to be with him, and I would never cheat on him.

-M eventually tells me he believes me and trusts me, but it's just hard for him to accept the weird incriminating events and coincidences, but he's trying.

-4 weeks ago, he finally broke up with me, saying he can't be with me anymore because he can't trust me, and it's really unhealthy

-Even though we broke up, we continued to talk briefly almost daily, and he says that he may want to try things again, but he needs to think about it, and things would have to change (such as him having to work on himself first, and us doing things differently such as not spending 24/7 together).

-He sincerely said that he really missed me and wants to be with me, but he just doesn't know if he's capable because he can't go on stressing over me cheating.

-He never sincerely admitted anything was his fault though, and that he was the one who's paranoid and needs therapy and he wrongfully accused me.

-I made the mistake of putting pressure on him because I was feeling tortured by the pain. I demanded an answer, asking him, "Can you see yourself being with me again? Can you believe my word that I have not and will not cheat? Can you see yourself ever trusting me? If not, I want to move on."

-He responded he's not sure, and he needs time to think about it. I continued to pressure him. He distanced himself further.

-5 days ago, I was sitting by myself and feeling extremely hurt and angry, and i sent him a harsh message basically telling him he's a jerk and d-bag for accusing me of cheating all the time when I have not. I told him he has not and will not ever loved me cause he can't even respect me and believe I'm a decent person. I told him I don't want to speak to him again.

-I instantly regretted sending him that message because I had done some impulsively. I didn't really mean what I said, and I don't want to stop talking to him. I don't want to end things on such a sour note and close the door on us.

-He responded he's sorry I'm so upset and agreed we should stop talking, and that my message really hurt him and I won't be hearing from him again.

-Since then, I have not heard from him again. He's ignored all my calls, texts, and voicemails.

 

 

I am devastated that he has completely ignored me. When we first broke up, we were still speaking, and there was some hope. But being the impatient person I am I kept pressuring him, and then eventually sent him a cruel message because I thought antagonizing him would make the pain go away. It clearly did not work.

 

I am not going to contact him again. In my last message I told him if he can forgive me and wants to speak to me, he knows how to find me. if he never contacts me again, it'll show that he never really cared about me and it'll make it easy for me to move on.

 

Was what I said really so harsh? What would someone have to say for you to never speak to them again? I feel so much pain and regret right now for sending him that message. How stupid can I be? Not speaking to him again was the last thing I wanted. I still have such strong feelings for him.

 

I am really sad because I really loved this guy. And I felt that he loved me too. I keep hoping that someday, maybe after he's sorted out his issues and we're in a new environment, he will come find me and we can be together again. I'm trying to just forget about him now, but it really hurts that he has completely ignored me.

 

I am sorry this is so long. Simply typing everything out is cathartic for me, and if anyone can offer some advice/support I'd greatly appreciate it.

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I think he was being paranoid about your behaviour and was reading into it things that were just not there - and I fully understand why you would send him that message.

 

Unless he gets some professional help for his problem he will continue to be like this with you or with any one else. So even if you were to get back together nothing would likely change - would you be prepared to live like that?

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I didn't see anything wrong with that message you sent him. He sounds a little off and probably needs some medication, therapy.....something!

 

 

I don't think there is anything you could do or say that would ever convince him that you weren't cheating.

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You're right - He really was reading into everything too much. He definitely needs to get therapy in order for us to ever have a healthy relationship. So it obviously isn't gonna happen any time soon. I'm moving to a new city that's 4 hours away in a couple of months. He has mentioned wanting to move there too. I keep thinking we can be together in the future, in a new city, and things will be different if he's worked on his issues. However, it seems like he's never fully admitted to himself that he has issues. I guess I am running into a brick wall?

 

I feel really horrible for sending him that message though. Even though it contained some truth, it was very harsh. It's not how I feel about him. I really love him and my wish is that we can be happily together one day. But sending that message may have closed the door on us forever. I regret sending that message so much, and all I can do now is learn from my mistake... and not be so impulsive and tactless in the future.

 

I just don't understand - Why would he ignore me completely because of that message, even though I've apologized multiple times? What would someone have to say to you for you to completely ignore them? If I loved someone, I would never ignore them. It's only been 5 days... but he's never ignored me before. Is it too soon? If I don't hear from him in a month I think it is safe to assume that he never really loved me?

 

Was my message to him really that horrible?

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"It's only been five days" you said, and that is some wisdom. The dust will settle and then maybe things can proceed. But believe me, I know when you're in the midst of heartbreak "only five days" feels like a looooong time. I am a man on exactly the other side of your story. My wife adamantly denies cheating on me although there is compelling evidence that says otherwise. I pleaded for counseling in March when this all went down (that would be the only difference with your story; I am the one who wants professional help) but she refused up until yesterday. I filed for divorce already and both of the families pretty much hate the in-law spouse at this point.

 

What would be the best tact for M to take in order to rebuild a healthy relationship with you? I wonder if you can tell me anything that might help a guy in his shoes....I seriously believe she cheated on me but I can't prove it and she denies it.

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Oh gawwd. I was in this situation, but fortunately I never actually dated him.

 

Just one really cute and talented math geek I met once totally fell for me ( and I entertained lots of chats with him. Once he got irrationally angry that I didn't type AFK, claiming that he often waited for "suspicious" intervals of time, and asking me if I was sure I didn't have a boyfriend. I apologized, reminded that sometimes nature...

 

Next week, he got really furious, started sending incoherent emails about my lack of trustworthyness, finally admitting that it was because he saw a message on my blog saying "Gregory Peck, will you marry me?" I really liked this guy before he showed his suspicious side, and I would have loved to give him a second chance until that last email sealed the deal.

 

"I consulted my crack team of female analysts, and we have concluded that while you might be referring to the actor, it is just as likely that you are thinking about another person of the same name. Either way, if you cared about me, you would have thought about my feelings before posting. I'm willing to forgive you if it was the actor, but you have to give me reasonable proof."

 

Yep, that sealed the deal. I didn't need a "crack team of male analysts" to tell me that it wasn't worth it to date that kind of guy.

 

I think you should be happy he's out of your life. You know, every second you're gone, he imagines you sleeping with other guys. He thinks you're petty, insincere, a liar, and a cheater. And you're not those things! You deserve to date someone who loves you for who you really are, and who trusts you, and who gives you the benefit of the doubt even in the most suspicious of circumstances. He'll be back in a couple weeks if you don't have a boyfriend yet, but don't let him back in your life. Don't settle for less than you deserve!

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my ex split up with me cus he thought i was cheating, hed been in my email, also in my facebook, hed found my password to an old dating site i was joined to when we split up. i hadnt been on it since we got back together!!

 

i know how frustrated you must feel that your not believed...cus my ex says i cant be trusted, and thats it

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What would be the best tact for M to take in order to rebuild a healthy relationship with you? I wonder if you can tell me anything that might help a guy in his shoes....I seriously believe she cheated on me but I can't prove it and she denies it.

 

What is the compelling evidence you have on your wife? M thinks he has evidence on me... but to me it's mostly bull. He claims to have seen things and he draws connections out of EVERYTHING as a clue to my infidelity. Granted, there has probably been some bad timing and coincidences. But he ALWAYS assumes the worst and lets his imagination run wild.

 

I think M would need to learn to relax and stop reading so much into everything. Also, I'd hoped that he would believe me if I looked him in the eye and told him the truth. He says he can see that I'm a good person with a good heart, which is why he gave me the benefit of a doubt. But ultimately he couldn't relax and let go of his fear.

 

He probably needs cognitive therapy and some kind of anxiety medication. He needs to let go of the past.

 

I'm not saying that you are like M. Maybe it is reasonable for you to believe your wife has cheated... I wouldn't know until I heard more about your story.

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I don't think it's not that he didn't love you, he probably loved you too much therefore causing him further insecurities.

 

 

This is how I've always felt... until he started completely ignoring me 5 days ago. But if it's because he loved me so much that he couldn't be with me because of his insecurities, that REALLY breaks my heart. I love him so much. I have never felt this way about another person; he really is special to me. If he felt the same way about me, and he could just let go of his paranoia and fear of getting hurt, we may possibly be soulmates.

 

I sometimes hope to find that he never really loved me. That would make it much easier for me to let go.

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I think you should be happy he's out of your life. You know, every second you're gone, he imagines you sleeping with other guys. He thinks you're petty, insincere, a liar, and a cheater. And you're not those things! You deserve to date someone who loves you for who you really are, and who trusts you, and who gives you the benefit of the doubt even in the most suspicious of circumstances. He'll be back in a couple weeks if you don't have a boyfriend yet, but don't let him back in your life. Don't settle for less than you deserve!

 

I totally agree with this!

 

I didn't need a "crack team of male analysts" to tell me that it wasn't worth it to date that kind of guy.

 

This really cracked me up

 

PS: What is meant by AFK?

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Generaldiscord,

 

OMG... this guy you described is a nutcase. I'm glad you removed yourself from the situation even though he was very cute and talented. You know, in the beginning, M pursued me really hard but I wasn't that interested in him. The reason I was not into him was because I sensed that there was something wrong with him... He didn't exhibit the same level craziness as the guy you described, but M seemed very anxious and clingy, even though we had only been "hanging out" for a few weeks.

 

M later on told me that he'd already been in love with me at the very beginning, when we'd only hung out for a few weeks and not exclusive. I wasn't even into him then!!! Maybe it was never love. He was just obsessive and possessive.

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I totally agree with this!

 

 

 

This really cracked me up

 

PS: What is meant by AFK?

 

Thanks! AFK means "away from keyboard". You're supposed to type it every time you get up to pee. Otherwise, it is clear proof that you're blowing a guy in the hallway. THERE IS NO OTHER EXPLANATION!

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Thanks! AFK means "away from keyboard". You're supposed to type it every time you get up to pee. Otherwise, it is clear proof that you're blowing a guy in the hallway. THERE IS NO OTHER EXPLANATION!

 

No wonder I feel so spent everytime I come back to the computer.

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OMG... this guy you described is a nutcase. I'm glad you removed yourself from the situation even though he was very cute and talented. You know, in the beginning, M pursued me really hard but I wasn't that interested in him. The reason I was not into him was because I sensed that there was something wrong with him... he seemed very anxious and clingy, even though we had only been "hanging out" for a few weeks.

 

M later on told me that he'd already been in love with me at the very beginning, when we'd only hung out for a few weeks and not exclusive. I wasn't even into him then!!! Maybe it was never love. He was just obsessive and possessive.

 

I just wrote you that novel because M is almost exactly like that guy. It's not healthy to have such a huge crush and be so suspicious all at the same time.

 

If I were to date a guy like that, I would always be worried that he'd strangle me in my sleep for taking out the trash at a particularly unusual time (or badonking a guy in the back seat of my chevi, either way).

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Thanks! AFK means "away from keyboard". You're supposed to type it every time you get up to pee. Otherwise, it is clear proof that you're blowing a guy in the hallway. THERE IS NO OTHER EXPLANATION!

 

Oh ok..

 

Sorry for the slight delay in replying.. I was AFK

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Thanks! AFK means "away from keyboard". You're supposed to type it every time you get up to pee. Otherwise, it is clear proof that you're blowing a guy in the hallway. THERE IS NO OTHER EXPLANATION!

 

Lol, it's so sad that there is actually a type of men like M. I hope one day I can look back on my relationship and think LOL as well.

 

If I open the door to my garage while he's in the bathroom, it means I am sneaking another man out.

If he sees a half empty bottle of wine on my counter, it means I had another man over because there's no way I could've drank it all by myself

If I queef in bed, it means that I'd slept with someone else

 

 

 

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Lol, it's so sad that there is actually a type of men like M. I hope one day I can look back on my relationship and think LOL as well.

 

If I open the door to my garage while he's in the bathroom, it means I am sneaking another man out.

If he sees a half empty bottle of wine on my counter, it means I had another man over because there's no way I could've drank it all by myself

If I queef in bed, it means that I'd slept with someone else

 

 

 

 

YOU call it a garage door. I call it the portal to sin and depravity. You had better keep that garage door closed while you're with me, young lady.

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Did no one else notice this?.... I would say that this is a big red flag that magnified his paranoia.

 

 

Yes, we spent a lot of time together because we really enjoyed each others company, and I think some of it has to do with the fact that he'd be uneasy about me being apart. We'd discussed this and undersrood that it was not healthy for two people to spend so much time together... Yet neither of us ever took the step to separate once in a while

 

I think spending all the time together shouldve helped him see that I didn't cheat on him and that I clearly liked him a lot for always being by his side. But being together all the time may have not given him a chance to relax and trust me. It made it so that everytime I opted to be away, he looked at everything under a magnifying glass and found "clues" to my infidelity. It's likely that things may have ended the same way regardles of what I did, since he appears to have some deep issues with trusting a woman.

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I think the opposite happens. By spending so much time together, you two become more and more codependent on each other. You become so used to the fact that you're always together, and the times when you're not, you're left wondering, "where the hell is she"?

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