seeking an opinion.

[NYC5thAvenue]

Hi folks,

 

I have just found you guys through Google. I must say that i think this is a sympatatic group.

 

I have a problem & would like to ask for your opinion.

 

A few days ago, my boyfriend has changed his name completely in his facebook account. I asked him why he did that & he said that someone is trying to 'track' him down. I was offended by it.

 

Then 2 days ago, he called me to see if i have called him during his working hours. I never call my boyfriend during his working hours & i told him so. He said that someone tried to reach him with a 'blocked call' & he thought it was me. Normally, i don't block my calls to anyone so everyone can see that i am calling.

 

I am beginning to become upset about it. At the same time, the sms & phone calls have became lesser & lesser but not less tender than it usually is.

 

What would you do if you were in my situation?

 

Thanks for the advices.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Track him down?

 

I would ask him for more information. This is alarming.

[botticelli]

I would talk with him.. it seems you guys are having trust issues.

[generaldiscord]

Why are you upset he changed his name on facebook?

 

It sounds like he has a stalker. You need to have a conversation about who that person is with your boyfriend. It could be very serious.

[SongCoyote]

I wouldn't necessarily get upset with your boyfriend about this; it's quite possible that there is some unpleasant person who actually is trying to track him down. I wouldn't assume something else is going on unless there's a specific reason to, especially as you say the tenderness of his interaction with you hasn't changed. (Less frequent contact may just be because he's busy, distracted, tired, etc.; don't automatically assume that he's less happy to talk with you )

 

The best thing I can do is echo what others have said: talk with your boyfriend. Open up the communication and keep it going. And remember to listen as well as speak openly, and to be compassionate for yourself and him. If he's actually nervous about what's going on he may want your support and care.

 

I wish you both well and hope everything works out however is best for all.

 

Light and laughter,

SongCoyote

[RedDress]

A couple of thoughts:

 

First, are you sure it's another woman who is calling him/trying to track him down? Maybe it's a legal issue... or some drug lord... or... heck, who knows?? Or maybe it's a previous gf who was pregnant with his child... or... You really need to find out what he's running from. And don't take 'I don't know' as an answer. If he's running, it's because he knows someone is after him and he knows why. Otherwise he wouldn't be running and he'd just be caught. People don't run for no reason...

 

If it IS a stalker... I'd want to know more about that too. In fact, I'd have one foot out the door. Sure, stalking is not the fault of the stalkee... but, unless you are a celebrity or something, usually stalkers happen as the result of a broken affair, etc.

 

Something is rotten...

[karvala]

That'll teach him not to pay his taxes. They always get you in the end.

 

Okay, seriously, you've obviously got to talk to him and find out who this potential tracker might be. And tell him that in future, you're his first stop in regards to talking about these things.

[hexaemeron]

OP, no offense, but you seem to offend easily. Maybe you should look into that. There's nothing strange about either of the things he did really.

[MinziGirl]

OK. I had one guy before who have done the same thing. He changed his profile name because he doesn't want his ex-office colleagues to find him. He is also afraid that prospective bosses would be able to gather information about him thru his facebook profile if they want to.At that time, he was jobless & wanted to give a good impression to his prospective bosses & i told him that if he were to hide anything, it would show that he has indeed something to hide... and that doesn't get down well with any boss. So in the end, he opened his information again.

 

So i would say that unless your boyfriend has published any personal discriminating info of himself, he should not hide anything. Have a good talk with him & explain how you feel about it. Has he changed anything personal details about you in his profile like removing the pic of both of you? If not, i don't see any reason why you should be worried. A man who puts the pic or any info of his girl on his profile is declaring public that he is indeed with that girl... & that girl is you, right?

 

Good luck!

[MinziGirl]

A couple of thoughts:

 

First, are you sure it's another woman who is calling him/trying to track him down? Maybe it's a legal issue... or some drug lord... or... heck, who knows?? Or maybe it's a previous gf who was pregnant with his child... or... You really need to find out what he's running from. And don't take 'I don't know' as an answer. If he's running, it's because he knows someone is after him and he knows why. Otherwise he wouldn't be running and he'd just be caught. People don't run for no reason...

 

If it IS a stalker... I'd want to know more about that too. In fact, I'd have one foot out the door. Sure, stalking is not the fault of the stalkee... but, unless you are a celebrity or something, usually stalkers happen as the result of a broken affair, etc.

 

Something is rotten...

 

Why do you think something rotten is happening? Maybe it is just that he is paranoid over his privacy issues?

[generaldiscord]

Since facebook is pretty evil, I think everybody who values their job should consider using a fake name. Facebook watches you while you sleep.

 

The argument "If you have nothing to hide, it shouldn't bother you" is fallacious, because there are pieces of information which are easy to put together in a damaging way. Maintaining a low profile with little public information is helpful if you want to avoid scrutiny, and it's also a right.

[NYC5thAvenue]

OP, no offense, but you seem to offend easily. Maybe you should look into that. There's nothing strange about either of the things he did really.

 

I don't get offended easily. Do you change your name all the time too in Facebook? I thought that people who does that always has something to hide. Do people do this just for fun?

 

I am proud to put my name into facebook because that is who i am. I guess it is the same response too when asked by someone on the telephone to identify yourself.

[NYC5thAvenue]

Hi Songcoyote & Minzigirl.

 

He didn't remove our pics from his profile & it is still written clearly that he is attached .... to me!

 

I have tried to talk to him and he said he would not do such things again without informing me first. I guess that is what i need exactly... not to get a shock...

[sidehop]

Did he make someone really upset? Is he in trouble with the law? Does he owe someone money? Collection agency?

 

It would take a lot for someone to go paranoid to change their name on FB and freak out if you had called or not. I wouldn't get upset at him but more worried about why he's acting this way.

[savignon]

What offended you about him changing his name?

[MinziGirl]

Since facebook is pretty evil, I think everybody who values their job should consider using a fake name. Facebook watches you while you sleep.

 

The argument "If you have nothing to hide, it shouldn't bother you" is fallacious, because there are pieces of information which are easy to put together in a damaging way. Maintaining a low profile with little public information is helpful if you want to avoid scrutiny, and it's also a right.

 

What you have said is true. That is why it pays to be honest to yourself & to others. Facebook itself is not evil. It is what the person writes in their facebook account that will give them away... so by being honest & staying smart, one should be able to use facebook safely.

[hexaemeron]

I don't get offended easily. Do you change your name all the time too in Facebook? I thought that people who does that always has something to hide. Do people do this just for fun?

 

I am proud to put my name into facebook because that is who i am. I guess it is the same response too when asked by someone on the telephone to identify yourself.

 

See, this is my point. You're talking about FACEBOOK. Not his Passport, driver's license, birth certificate. If this was some legally-binding document, I'd absolutely share your worry, but it's FACEBOOK.

 

Seriously, lady. Unclench, release the white knuckles, exhale and relax!

[Baily]

A couple of thoughts:

 

First, are you sure it's another woman who is calling him/trying to track him down? Maybe it's a legal issue... or some drug lord... or... heck, who knows?? Or maybe it's a previous gf who was pregnant with his child... or... You really need to find out what he's running from. And don't take 'I don't know' as an answer. If he's running, it's because he knows someone is after him and he knows why. Otherwise he wouldn't be running and he'd just be caught. People don't run for no reason...

 

If it IS a stalker... I'd want to know more about that too. In fact, I'd have one foot out the door. Sure, stalking is not the fault of the stalkee... but, unless you are a celebrity or something, usually stalkers happen as the result of a broken affair, etc.

 

Something is rotten...

 

I agree fully with this ....

 

I'm betting a pregnant woman!

 

If it's a stalker - or another woman - do not accept any answer of 'I don't know' ....tell him to log into his facebook account with you...look into his mailbox and check deleted mail....and recent friend requests....

 

I'll guarantee he's got something.

 

your gut is telling you somethings up...don't ignore it....nor be talked into...'it's nothing'

 

where there's smoke...there's fire...

 

sad thing is that if you feel you are in love...the person will be able to talk you into believing anything they want.

[MinziGirl]

I agree fully with this ....

 

I'm betting a pregnant woman!

 

If it's a stalker - or another woman - do not accept any answer of 'I don't know' ....tell him to log into his facebook account with you...look into his mailbox and check deleted mail....and recent friend requests....

 

I'll guarantee he's got something.

 

your gut is telling you somethings up...don't ignore it....nor be talked into...'it's nothing'

 

where there's smoke...there's fire...

 

sad thing is that if you feel you are in love...the person will be able to talk you into believing anything they want.

 

What if he has really nothing to hide and she confronts him like you suggested here? Won't it be a trust breaker?

[hexaemeron]

What if he has really nothing to hide and she confronts him like you suggested here? Won't it be a trust breaker?

 

Baily's been recently hurt, so his responses are a bit extreme and colored by his still-raw experience with his wife.

[NYC5thAvenue]

See, this is my point. You're talking about FACEBOOK. Not his Passport, driver's license, birth certificate. If this was some legally-binding document, I'd absolutely share your worry, but it's FACEBOOK.

 

Seriously, lady. Unclench, release the white knuckles, exhale and relax!

 

My ex-boyfriend used to do it & he cheated on me. Was a pathetic lie. He tried to hide everything from emails to facebook names. The truth also was that he was indeed running away from a lot of fines. He had a bad habit of not paying up his fines & then it grew & grew till he couldn't handle it anymore & the police was looking for him.

 

I was just hoping that my current BF would not be like my ex. My ex was a bad mistake.

[NYC5thAvenue]

Trying to subscribe to this thread.

[hexaemeron]

My ex-boyfriend used to do it & he cheated on me. Was a pathetic lie. He tried to hide everything from emails to facebook names. The truth also was that he was indeed running away from a lot of fines. He had a bad habit of not paying up his fines & then it grew & grew till he couldn't handle it anymore & the police was looking for him.

 

I was just hoping that my current BF would not be like my ex. My ex was a bad mistake.

 

You know what other things your bf and ex have in common? They both:

• are human beings
  
• consume food, water and oxygen
  
• brush their teeth at least twice a day (I hope)
  
• get cramps after eating Mexican food (Because, honestly, who doesn't?)
  

 

The point is that it's not fair of you to punish your current boyfriend for sins of the last one, or even the one before that. "Protecting yourself" to the point of being a harpie will only result in your ongoing singledom.

[MinziGirl]

You know what other things your bf and ex have in common? They both:

• are human beings
  
• consume food, water and oxygen
  
• brush their teeth at least twice a day (I hope)
  
• get cramps after eating Mexican food (Because, honestly, who doesn't?)
  

 

The point is that it's not fair of you to punish your current boyfriend for sins of the last one, or even the one before that. "Protecting yourself" to the point of being a harpie will only result in your ongoing singledom.

 

Hey Hexa.

 

Try to be nice to her. I think her reaction could be only due to bad experiences. Bad experiences like having another partner cheating on you can have devastating effects on some people.

 

To NYC5thAvenue.

 

You are letting your mind run away with you. You compare only the bad points of your ex to your current boyfriend. How about the other good points of his then?

 

When a person cheats on another person, he is not just going to change his facebook name & let you find just that out. There have to be other things as evidence too. (E.g: If you cannot call to his home any more because there is another person there or if he does not see you any more in the weekends or something... or he is not with you anymore for important festivals like Christmas.)

 

Don't let your suspicion ruin your relationship!

[hexaemeron]

Hey Hexa.

 

Try to be nice to her. I think her reaction could be only due to bad experiences. Bad experiences like having another partner cheating on you can have devastating effects on some people.

 

That's absolutely true. And if she doesn't want to be the horror story for her current bf that her last bf is for her, she'll chill out. I'm not being unkind. I'm just very logically outlining what she needs to be aware of to place these items in their proper perspective.