My sister is ruining our big day

[d24]

I won't go into too much details, but the over-riding problem here is that my sister is out and out the most horrible evil person you'd ever meet, she has serious emotional issues and everyone in our family is kind of afraid of her (or at least getting on her bad side) so she always ends up getting her own way.

 

When I started dating my girl my sister decided that (for no reason at all) she did not like her, and that she would do everything in her power to break us up. Whether it was jealousy or whatever, I really don't know or care any more. My sister would send her death threats, tell her she wasn't good enough for me, tell her she was fat, that she hoped she would kill herself, tell my friends and family lies about her to get them to hate her, that I was cheating on her (which I didn't/wouldn't), etc... it got so bad that my gf tried to leave me several times and considered suicide at one point (I know, a little unstable, but the hate campaign she was subject to was extremely bad and my sister has this horrible way about her that she knows exactly which buttons to press, and was relentless). In the end we've tried our best to stay in limited/no contact with her, but unfortunately with all these social networking sites and stuff it's near on impossible (especially as even after she was banned from facebook, she started a new account under a fake name/profile to continue her abuse)

 

We decided, quite justifiably, that my sister was not to receive an invite to the wedding. Since then we've had non-stop communication from my parents, and every friend and family saying that they think this is a huge mistake, that we'll regret it one way or another. My grandma said to me, if you don't regret it in terms of losing touch with her (your family) we're all aware of how vindictive she is, and you should be very wary that I don't end up regretting it because she does something horrendous on the day because she's been excluded. That made me kind of... scared?

 

Someone who's invited might get pressured into giving her their +1 (we tried to keep +1s down to a minimum to avoid this) but the last I heard from my parents was that she was coming with the family, as they don't feel like they can stop her.

 

And throughout this, my sister has made no effort to reconcile, to say sorry, anything along those lines. She's continuing her hate campaign (5 years almost to the day now) and has threatened that if she's not invited she will come with a bucket of paint and make sure "her dress doesn't stay so white".

 

I really don't know what to do. I don't want her there, but I can't think of a way to stop her without getting the police involved, and my family are so terrified of her that they don't seem to want to do anything about it. (*this is one of two or three major problems with my family, but I think each deserves their own thread*)

 

I'm really afraid of her ruining our day and we're 4 months away... help?

[aetsen]

You need to assert yourself here dude. Lay down the law. Your sister sounds like she's going to ruin the day somehow no matter what, and it's YOUR (and your fiance's) day. It should be 100% pure hapiness / nervousness / excitment (positive things), and if your family's going to detract from that then don't invite 'em.

 

If you have to get a restraining order. Then go to the local police and ask if they can have an officer or two show up to keep her from getting in or something. Your sister doesn't deserve to be there given what she's done. Seriously.

[ButterflyWrists]

call the police is all you can really do, its your partner (as i cant spell the name of what she is sorry)s day too. and she and her family do not have to be subject to your sisters abuse.

if your family bring her along then they clearly do not respect the boundaries you have put in place.

 

Sorry i cant think of any other way around this.

[tinydancer81]

As sad as it sounds, I think a restraining order is the only thing you can do. I dont think talking to her will do any good. It really sounds like she has some serious issues and as much as she scares the family something has to be done, if everyone was to stand up to her and not let her threaten them things would change. In my opinion this is like dealing with a vey naughty child, giving her attention for bad behaviour is just as good as anything. I really really hope your big day goes well.

[browneyedgirl36]

It sounds to me that your sister will ruin your wedding whether you invite her or not. She is a very troubled person. Sadly, your family is simply giving her the green light to do so by not taking a stand against her behavior. They may think they are preserving the peace, but it seems that all they are doing is telling her that her behavior is OK, and they are putting you in a very difficult spot.

 

In theory, a restraining order against your sister sounds like a good idea, but I suspect it would have NO effect whatsoever. Desperate, troubled people like her don't respond well to restraining orders, and tend to completely disregard them. Plus, it might make her even angrier, and she might do something far worse than bring a bucket of paint to your wedding.

 

Can you hire security, or at least gather a few large friends/acquaintances/co-workers to help you keep your sister away? This would be ideal. You might also contact your local police and ask if there is anything you can do. The restraining order will inevitably come up, and you will have to make a decision as to whether this is a good idea for you. It's hard to say. Those types of things have a way of making the situation worse, but if she were arrested for violating a restraining order, at least the wedding could commence without further interruption.

 

My suggestion is to try one last time to reason with the significant members of your family: Mother, father, grandmother, etc. Explain your concerns as calmly and rationally as possible, explaining that it is the of the utmost importance to you that you and your fiancee feel safe and happy on your wedding day, and that, as it is YOUR day, yours and your fiancee's needs should come first, and that you expect to NOT see your sister there, and that they need to help to keep her away.

 

If they refuse...my next suggestion is drastic. Call it off. Not the wedding, per se, but the wedding on the day you chose to have it. Get married, just the two of you, at City Hall or some other undisclosed location. Maybe even go away for a weekend and elope. When you return, you can have your own party to celebrate with family and friends, and if your sister comes, you can throw her out, but at least she won't be ruining your actual wedding day. Sounds drastic, I know, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

 

I feel for you. We had a similar situation in my family, in which a few family members were not invited to my sister's wedding because one in particular was an awful person and had done a lot of harm to the family. He and his parents were not invited. Fortunately, none of them showed up, and there were no threats or anything. You are in a very difficult situation, here.

[OptomisticGirl]

Wow. As a woman, no one is coming to my wedding that I don't want. I agree with you 100% she should not be there. It is yours and your fiancees big day. Your best bet is to get a restraining order and if she comes call the cops, she should have thought about that before she waged this hate campaign. Your family should be behind you on this one.

[Tanzi]

It is such a shame that no-one has seen fit to stand up to your sister in the past. The fact that everyone has stood back and let her get away with her evil behaviour has given her a green light to continue ... she knows her actions bring her the results she wants in the end or so she thinks in most cases.

 

I'm not sure my advice is of much help as I am in several minds as to what you should do and I think you are probably best placed to decide what is your best option but it might help if you ask yourself some questions first.

 

If your sister is NOT invited to the wedding how likely do you think it is that she will retaliate with a viscious attack (ie. throwing paint over the wedding dress and your fiancee)? Do you think she would really do that in front of all those guests?

 

If you DO invite her to the wedding how likely is it that she will do something to ruin the big day anyway, regardless of the invite?

 

If the answer to both these quesions is yes (or very likely) then you have a mutiny on your hands whatever choice you make. The second option may be the lesser "evil" and although it means you will be giving into her once again you could potentially be avoiding a war zone ... depending on how far she would go in either scenario ... and only you know that. However, if you really feel that her being at the wedding is still going to be just as damaging then I agree that a restraining order is your only option.

 

I think, personally, I would go with the latter. Firstly, it is about time your sister should know she can't get away with this dispicable behaviour .. she almost drove your fiancee to suicide for goodness sake and at the very least tried to split you up ... and, secondly, your wedding day is meant to be the best day of your lives. How awful if your sister destroys that for you. Your wedding day is the start of your married life together and therefore you should start as you mean to go on ... happy and indestructable, standing up to bitter twisted individuals trying to ruining it for you.

 

I'm not sure how easy it is to get or go about getting a restraining order but I think you should look into it or discuss the situation with the police who will at least be able to advise you on your best options. It might also be a good idea to make them aware of the situation.

 

Of course that is just my opinion but I also think you need to put the thoughts and feelings of your fiancee and her family who will no doubt be at the wedding first.

[d24]

Thanks for all the replies, it's nice to see opinions of others.

 

On paper it looks absolutely black and white - that she shouldn't come and I need a restraining order (or security?) to ensure she's not allowed near us or the venue. The only problem I see with that is the physical evidence we'd need to provide to get the police involved, the huge rift this would create on my side of the family, and naturally how would my sister react to this? I honestly don't feel like I could get the police involved because I truly think that it would get her even more wound up.

 

Like you said, the security idea might work, but how sad is that, that I need someone to 'protect' us from her in case she does try something. At the very least, even if she never turned up and never did anything, the mere fact that we're having to take preventative action against the possibility.... to me it feels like it's 'letting her win', you know?

 

In a similar vein, why would I ever invite her? Wouldn't I just be encouraging her bad behaviour? And heaven forbid she actually causes a scene or says or does something to upset us or the guests. I feel this would be a huge risk to take - and it doesn't teach her the valuable lesson that she needs to treat people well. It might not be my place to teach her this, but obviously we don't want her there, and my family is too 'afraid' (or something) to do it for me.

 

As I said, all good ideas, but I'm not sure what will work best. I've tried talking to her directly, but she throws insults at me and hangs up. Maybe I should try to get the family onside, get them to work on her?

 

Problem is though, my Mum and my other sister are saying that if the evil one doesn't come it won't be a family event, and they won't come either. I'm at the end of my teather.... I'm >

[agent1607307371]

Problem is though, my Mum and my other sister are saying that if the evil one doesn't come it won't be a family event, and they won't come either. I'm at the end of my teather.... I'm >

 

Weddings aren't a "family" event. They are about the people getting married.

 

Sadly, I would tell your Mum that if she can't support you on what should be the best day of your life then you don't want it at all.

 

But that's the ultimatum end of the spectrum.

 

Your sisters bhaviour is not only being tolerated but encouraged by your family. That they can't get onside with you for this one day is very sad indeed.

[Applewhite]

You know if your family decides to not come that is THEIR decision and it is not on you. I can't believe they WANT her there. How are their relationships with your fiance? What do they say when you tell them you tried to talk to her and she cursed at you?

 

You know if you want her parents there then you should not 'let her win' by eloping and denying your sister and her family the right to enjoy that day. Talk to your family and ask them if they want to join or not. If their firm answer is no, change the date of the wedding and don't invite your side of the family and don't even TELL them where and when. Clearly they don't deserve or WANT to be a part of the wedding. This is sad, but it is what it is. Remember this was THEIR decision. And you cannot control their thoughts feelings or actions. But you CAN control your actions.

 

Honestly given the situation, I see this as the only feasible alternative.

[Tanzi]

I really feel for you, your family doesn't seem to be behind you on this and this is meant to be YOUR day and you have every right to keep people at bay whose intention could be to ruin it. I am really surprised that they aren't worried about her presence at your wedding giving in mind that your fiancees family will all be there to witness her possible actions. Just out of curiosity, if she does come to the wedding what do you think she is likely to do?

 

I think you should work on getting some of the family onside. Maybe not your mum or sister but stronger members of the family ... and I mean both emtionally and physically. I like browneyedgirl's advice on gathering a few family members/friends together ... perhaps they can keep a watchful eye on her and try to keep her out of the way if things start to get awkward. If she does kick off then I guess they could throw her out and if need be the police could be called ... but who needs that on their wedding day but at least if she knows she is being watched and knows the score she might stay calm ... and quiet.

[generaldiscord]

Yeah, I have a ridiculous sister too.

 

I wouldn't advise getting a restraining order if you ever feel like patching things up with your sister. Involving the law is pretty much a last resort and a guarantee of everlasting feuding.

 

How old is your sister? If she's in her teens or emotional teens, it might just blow over completely with time. In my experiences with teens, they often act in the most horrible way possible when they feel they aren't being properly respected or consulted in an effort to get you to contact them and ask their opinion. Of course, they haven't learned yet that nobody will ask your opinion if you threaten to kill someones fiancee. Some people never learn that.

 

If you ever want to patch things up, you'll have to give her a couple phone calls, and explain that her sister in law is a great person, and that it is her choice whether to be a part of the family or not. You should tell her that she's already blown it enough that she is not welcome at the wedding, but that she can make it good with a heart felt apology. Be sure to explain that your bride and you have suffered immensely under her abuse.

[d24]

Thankfully my parents recognise that my fianceé is a wonderful girl and they love her to bits. My Dad has said on several occasions that he wished his daughters were more like her, and I think my Mum stuggles with loyalties (?) but feels the same way. The problem is that they live away from me, and my sisters still live with (or mooch off of - neither have ever worked) them at home, so their 'family unit' hasn't dissolved yet, and there is an element of pack mentality. This has been displayed a bit in their show of solidarity by them saying (though I'm unsure if they'd follow up) that they won't come if the evil one isn't invited. I'm 75% sure they would.

 

My sisters are 18 (normal one) and 23 (the evil one) so given this started 5 years ago, my youngest sister has been drip fed this poison for years (though I think she's smart enough and has learnt that my OH is a lovely person through multiple visits etc) and yes, the negative feelings started when my evil sister was a teenager, it's extremely immature that she's now a young adult and harbouring those non-sensical negative emotions.

 

My OH has said to me plenty of times that it's my decision, but I know fully well that it's a joint one. She's just trying to protect herself from them if things turn sour, which I understand and support.

 

I'll use police as a last resort and I'll try to get my grandparents to talk some sense into my parents, and hopefully they'll see that the decision not to invite her makes sense... then maybe they'll get her some help. I can arrange for some burly friends to keep an eye out for her, but I don't want to even have to give it a second thought, or she will be ruining my day with a threat (even if it is unfulfilled).

 

I'll be honest I was really hoping that someone had a magic Plan D which I'd totally overlooked, but I really appreciate all inputs. Thanks guys

[browneyedgirl36]

Weddings aren't a "family" event. They are about the people getting married.

 

Sadly, I would tell your Mum that if she can't support you on what should be the best day of your life then you don't want it at all.

 

But that's the ultimatum end of the spectrum.

 

Your sisters bhaviour is not only being tolerated but encouraged by your family. That they can't get onside with you for this one day is very sad indeed.

 

I agree. Even if they aren't actively encouraging her, they are definitely doing it tacitly by not taking a stand against her behavior.

 

When my sister got married, she wrote a letter to my relatives who were the parents of the guy she did not want at her wedding and told them that, while she wished the family could all be together, in the interests of keeping her special day special, she would not be inviting them OR their son. Interestingly enough, she invited their other two children, who attended. All went smoothly. I'm sure they were hurt at not being invited, but their son's behavior, some of it violent -- and their tacit encouragement of it by doing NOTHING about it -- caused a LOT of problems and grief for our family, and my sister thought it best to not have any of them there.

 

I think your family is REALLY dropping the ball on this one. Big time. Knowing your sister and her behavior, they should be taking a stand on your side, at least telling her that, if she attends, she is to keep her mouth shut and not do ANYTHING out of line.

 

Personally, I am of the opinion that we are not required -- by previous connection, by blood ties, whatever -- to take crap off of ANYONE. If someone is toxic, even if it's our own family, we are not obligated to associate with them. I know that people may not agree with me, but I have several friends who have cut ties with their own parents for this very reason, and rightfully so, as their parents were abusive people who treated them horribly. No one is obligated to take abuse of any kind from their family, in my opinion.

 

I hope you are able to work this out.

[metrogirl]

If you have to hire a guard to keep her out, then do so. No one should make you feel uncomfortable on your special day.

 

She sounds clearly deranged and from what you posted about her, I wouldn't be suprised if she pulled a Carrie move at the church.

 

Good luck.

[OptomisticGirl]

I can't believe your family gave you that kind of ultimatium. If they don't come it's not your fault, it's their decision. It's not their day or your sister's day, it's yours and your fiancees. They should respect that and not put more sress on you.

[generaldiscord]

It's time to talk to your mum and dad... Between wedding planning and work, you're probably so busy that proper communication is too time consuming. There are options. You can remind them that weddings are family affairs, and that they are morally obligated to attend. Or you can tell them they should bring her if they promise to be responsible for her behavior, make sure she keeps her mouth shut, keep an eye on her at all times, and check that she isn't bringing any pig blood in her purse.

 

Like I said, I have a ridiculous little sister. When my older sister was getting married, she went kind of insane at the groom. She threw scissors and other stuff at him, constantly called him names. Sometimes she would act nice, but then she'd put stuff in their drinks (hair, junk, whatever would be unpleasant to find). She bit her, she screamed at him, but they kept coming over to the house until she ended up in a quiet mope of despair. She HATES not getting her way. Fortunately, she was only 12. It wasn't very difficult for my sister to forgive her in the late stages of the wedding planning. The couple involved her in the ceremony, and now she's 8 years older, much wiser, and denies that she was ever such a pain to deal with.