She's perfect... but boring. What would you do?

[NorthDallas40]

I've been through a lot of dating ups and downs over the past 2 years, with heartbreak and frustration as well as good times.

 

About 5 months ago, I went the online dating route and after meeting about five women who I generally liked but didn't work out, I've been seeing one girl for the past 3 months.

 

I'm 40, she's 32. She's pretty, in great shape, loves to have sex every night & morning (and yes she is very GGG), has a stable job, is considerate, faithful, generous, responsible, wants to be with me all the time and is up for doing any activity I suggest whether its hiking, clubbing, swimming, seeing a movie or hanging out with friends. I trust her implicitly and she says she's looking for a long-term relationship, possibly with kids. In short, she's almost a perfect companion, especially when compared with all the flakes I've met this year.

 

But notice I said "almost."

 

If I can be honest here, there's a lot of things about her that don't click with me. She isn't enthusiastic even about things she likes, doesn't have hobbies, has exactly one friend in town, isn't very sociable, doesn't make very interesting conversation, doesn't seem to get my sense of humor, doesn't remember details of our conversations (leading to lots of re-explaining later), doesn't read much, and I have to explain even the most obvious plot points to her when we watch movies, all of which makes me think she's not very smart.

 

In short, she's pretty and sweet. But dull.

 

I know she tries her best, but often I feel like I get along better with strangers than with her. I've gotten on MUCH better with other girls who dumped me than her. And that doesn't feel right.

 

Dunno if I have a question here. I guess I'm just interested in your feedback and reactions.

[big10]

i don't see why are you with her if she's not meeting your criteria of a good perfect girlfriend? what else should we say to you? accept her or if you can't be happy with her go and find someone else. or if you don't know what you want, you should be by yourself and not wasting her time beacuse she is maybe ideal gf for some other guy.

sorry but you seem very immature for you age.

good luck!

[botticelli]

If you're not satisfied with her, It's not fair to either of you that you stay with her. But hey, we all have flaws. It's about whether or not you can deal with hers.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I'm like that, my exes hated it (maybe because English is not my first language), and I sometimes don't remember the details of convos either. All of it can be because I am not very focused on things that might not matter too much to me. Sometimes it's hard for me to focus. But, I AM a smart girl and even have been known as one when it comes to lots of other stuff...well, I have some accomplishments that speak for it

 

If you're not clicking with her..then you're not. But I also feel like you might be judging her a little here...How long has she been in this town that she just has one friend? Is she from the same background as yours?

[NorthDallas40]

She's Korean, but grew up in America for all 32 years, so there shouldn't be any language or cultural barrier, especially since she was in an 8-year on-and-off relationship with another white guy before me. I think she has more self-confidence issues than anything else.

 

I don't mean to sound judgmental or immature. I feel like I'm just trying give our relationship a fair chance despite the issues I mentioned.

 

My frustration comes from dating other girls who I've gotten along GREAT with, but who didn't want to be in a relationship with me or didn't have the great traits this girl has.

 

Over the past 2 years, I've started to feel like I have to make a choice between a) someone who's a good, committed, trustworthy, reliable person whom I'm attracted to, or b) someone who I have a lot in common with. I've been involved with over a dozen girls in the past two years, and it seems like never the twain shall meet. That's why I've stuck with this girl: to see how things shake out.

 

Whatever happens, I've tried to be the best boyfriend I can possibly be for her.

[big10]

so you're not sure of your relationship and just waiting to see what will happen. it's been two years, it's a quite a long time to be sure. i think you should break up because if it's not happening now or till now, do you really expect things will change or you just hope for it? you don't want to hurt her? are you in love?

[loulou37]

i married a guy that was trustworthy, honest, reliable, etc.... but in hte end we were different, it fell apart... i thought i could settle for all this, but when theres something missing, or not fullfillin you in the relationship it causes problems....anyway youve not been with her long, so just give it a chance, let her come out of herself a little more..its early days.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She isn't enthusiastic even about things she likes, doesn't have hobbies, has exactly one friend in town, isn't very sociable, doesn't make very interesting conversation, doesn't seem to get my sense of humor, doesn't remember details of our conversations (leading to lots of re-explaining later), doesn't read much, and I have to explain even the most obvious plot points to her when we watch movies, all of which makes me think she's not very smart.

 

If you don't find her intellectually stimulating now, that is not going to change if you make a long-term commitment to her. There is more to passion for someone than just physical passion...emotional, intellectual and spiritual passion is just as important..and even more so because when the physical passion inevitably simmers down considerably as it does over time in most relationships, what you are left with is someone to talk to, to be your friend and confidante, to share life and laughter and joy with. If she doesn't experience joy, just plods along with her life as a follower, doesn't really get you and your humour and just doesn't have basic understanding of many things then a lifetime with her will bore you to tears. There are lots of people who settle for the nice, loyal person even though they are incompatible because they are tired of the dating world, tired of being with compatible people who end up being disloyal. People who settle end up feeling miserable anyway. Don't settle...if you don't find her intellectually stimulating and are bored with her, over time you will just get plain irritated and miserable. I think you need to end this now before both of you waste any more time on a relationship where the two of you are just not compatible.

[minou]

You're obviously not in love with her. Move on. Maybe you have intimacy issues, and would find fault with anyone or be with people who would break up with you. I can't help but wonder if you would miss her if you broke up. Can you take a couple of weeks off and see how you feel?

[Mauxly]

I was with a guy like this for 3 years. He treated me like gold. And I loved him, but without the intellectual stimulation I may as well have I may as well have been alone. We broke up and my dating life since has been somewhat of a tragedy. But I'm still glad we broke up. I'd rather be alone than be with someone I can't truly relate to.

[uhohlala]

I have a friend who sounds remarkably like your girlfriend -- very, very nice. Attractive, kind, helpful. And so fundamentally insecure with herself that the very thought of having an original idea or opinion that she hasn't triangulated with others' thoughts and opinions absolutely terrifies her. She has no intellectual curiosity (and she's an academic!) and not a lot of cultural capital. She's very, very concerned with impression management (her field is organizational behavior so that's not so surprising).

 

She's a very nice person. She means well. But I'm very glad that she's moving out of town in a couple of months to take a job. I feel that my interaction with her is contrived and artificial -- everything she says is calculated to be maximally "agreeable" to me. Last week in a weird bid to affiliate with me, this 35 year old woman gushed that she now loves purpole too, because she knows it's my favorite color. I'm flattered that she is so impressed with me that she's always feeling the need to "keep up" or match me, but I find her exhausting. And she has body dysmorphia. Argh. I feel sorry for her, I don't want to hurt her feelings. But I find it hard enough maintaining the facade of friendship -- there's no way I could date someone like her!

 

OP, your complaints sound reasonable. Maybe where you've been going wrong in terms of finding a compatible companion is focusing too much on looks? You don't say whether or not the women who have hurt you in the past were very attractive, but if nothing else your experience with this woman reveals that it's far more important to connect intellectually with someone. Maybe you'll find happiness with a woman who isn't a stunner looks-wise but who can match you intellectually.

 

But you certainly don't need to feel guilty for not wanting to be with the current girlfriend. You do feel guilty, of course -- I get that. Just like I feel guilty about actually not liking this friend of mine so much.

[dontlook]

you either have to love the person not because they are perfect, but because they are perfect for YOU...and see past the flaws (we all have them...)

 

or move on...

 

up to you whether or not you can live with the flaws this individual has. they won't go away...