Girlfriend talking to guys that like her.

[Uncertainguy]

Recently my girlfriend and I have decided to take a step back from our relationship but we still want to date each other and no one else. We live together and are making arrangements to move out. The reason for this split has a story. First ever since we moved in together she stopped wanting to have sex with me and would say things like she was feeling sick and it rarely happened. I would ask her about it and she would make accuses like it was the new pill she was on. She changed pills still same result and a big change from when we first got together. Second it took her about 4-5 months after us living together to mention me or say she was in a relationship with me on her facebook page in which she shares every other little thing about what she is doing all day. Third I had caught her receiving text messages from her ex boyfriend telling her he loved her and also found a card saying stuff like I hope we can have more times together. I asked her about this and she admitted that she may have led him on in order to get back at him for all the terrible things he did while they were together. So at this point I feel insecure about our relationship in general and when I try to discuss this she says I'm being controlling because I'm worried about these things. So the blowout happened because I noticed some behaviors that i thought were strange and different. She would stay up all night and not come to bed. i noticed her talking to another guy who use to like her on her Instant messenger at work(we work together too)who she use to say she didn't like anymore and thought was obnoxious. So i do something wrong and do some snooping. I admit I was wrong but I wanted to know the truth. I discover that she has been chatting with this fellow through text messages late at night at least once while I was sleeping and the some minor flirting where she willing accepted. I confronted her about this and it turned into me snooping and she can talk to who ever she wants. OK now we are in this holding pattern but still committed to not mess around with other people. Now she is talking to a new guy who she says is just her friend and I know that he likes her. He has brought her gum as a present she talks to him all day on the Instant messenger, I don't think she likes him but I know she is kind of leading him by letting him still like her, and he does like her and that's obvious but she won’t admit it. My question is...is it ok for the girl I'm involved with to keep talking to men that like her and are motivated to try and date her if we are trying to work things out or still have a relationship?

[Clarity]

It's not alright if it makes you uncomfortable. Can she do it? Yes. Can you prevent her from doing it? No, that's called controlling. Can you control your reaction to being mistreated? Certainly.

 

I would tell her, if she wants to keep flirting with these guys, no problem - see you later. If she chooses flirting, you know where you stand. She's either testing to see if you have a backbone, or she's already checked out of the relationship. Sorry for what you're going through.

[faithful14]

If you both said that you are trying to work things out and only date one another, then no. How can you work things out if her time and attention are going to some other guy? That doesn't seem fair and she needs to decide quickly what she wants to do.

[house259]

Ok, I understand the snooping and the looking around. What else did she expect? That talking to people late and talking to ex's and leading them on is okay in a relationship? She sounds like she doesnt know what she wants. I think if you really love her and think she returns the same love you should give her an ultimatum. Either you respect the relationship (and in return you respect her privacy) or you should call it quits .

Another thing is, if your girlfriend is no longer having sex with you. Its a big red flag that she's not feeling the relationship.

[Simply Sweet]

It sounds to me like not only is she playing them...but she's playing you~!! I know it's hard to break up with someone, especially if you love them...but you might need to just take a step back and evaluate what's most important to you here. It seems to me like she's with you, but just keeping her options open. I've seen it before and it can end very ugly. I normally believe that ultimatums are a bad idea...but in this case it could work. Just tell her to stop, or you're calling it quits. If she cares enough about you, she'll take your feelings into consideration and stop with her foolishness...otherwise she's not good enough for you anyway!

[geekgirl4]

I'm stuck on how she stayed in contact with her ex just to get back at him, with YOUR RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER. This is the biggest offense to me. Is your relationship a joke to her? Some sort of tool to use? NO WAY. If she really loved you, she would forget that guy because he's in the past and focus her energy on you. Instead, she decides to be immature and petty. And all these other things she's doing - talking/flirting with guys - is just another byproduct of her immaturity. Talk to her about all this again but you make the call. The sex is already nonexistent, to me that is also a red flag.

[MikeS]

I agree with this geekgirl. Plus, with all this going on. Who says that she isn't going behind your back and having sex with these guys already? If it was me, I would boot her ass out and to not want anything to do with her again. I know it will be something hard to do cause of your love for her but it clearly shows that she does not care nor respect you in any way shape or form.

[Uncertainguy]

I have brought up to her that if this dude likes her and is trying to court her then I am done. She insist that this is not whats happening and has gotten very upset at me for bringing it up. She says that I assume the worst and just want to control her. I tell her that i'm not controlling her but drawing a line of where I can go in this relationship and that if she wants to talk to some guy that likes her knowing it hurts me then I don't want to be in the relationship anymore. She then goes on about how she has been opening up to me the last couple weeks which is true but after she did something messed up and made out with some girl while drinking. She says it was a girl but I can't know for sure. I told her that if that is what I've been holding her back from then I'm not the guy for her and never was. and that goes into a whole back story of me thinking she needs to not drink every time she hangs out with her friends because i don't trust her when she drinks at all. So i tell her that i want to see positive steps to not acting so crazy anymore with the drinking or im through and she says fine because she felt bad about making out with someone else. I only didn't end because it was a girl for some reason it doesn't seem as bad. But since then she has been slightly more affectionate. But also since then has started up this new friendship with the dude im very sure is just wanting to date her. I am sure he doesn't know she lives with a guy(me) and that we still are trying to work on things. I have hit a wall with not being able to prove this guy like her.

[geekgirl4]

You guys didn't try compromising?

[Uncertainguy]

You were all right. She is a giant liar and was not ready for this relationship to begin with. We are officially broken up. She tried telling me nothing was going on and lied to be about where she was. I caught her kissing this other dude later on. Now I'm just pissed and bitter and have not been treating her nicely. I move out very soon and can't wait. She is an awful person that lies. She has done all this before I found out with me when we first got together and lied to her ex and me. She seems to keep repeating the same patterns. Hook up with dude before really ending her last relationship for some kind of security blanket. She sucks and lesson learned to trust my instincts about people because I knew she was kind of a floozy to begin with. I just really liked her and thought she really liked me too.