Stupid me, I set my relationship up for failure didn’t I?

[KISSNTELL]

Well its funny I am reading my last post about this situation which was nearly a year ago… and almost a year later we are in the same situation except I am the one who’s hurting and now beginning to not want to let him go. I first realized I wanted to break up with Matt after the death of my Uncle in July of 2009, because he chose to leave me and go to the cabin when my Uncle was in ICU and I literally watched him die, alone without his support. I have never gotten over that and that’s where it all began for me. (Please reference back to my other post it will make better sense.) At that point in time I began to ask myself well what if that was me, who became very ill, is this how he is going to react to those types of situations. I began to see him as unsupportive to my needs and not compassionate towards my lost, at least that is what his actions were telling me.

 

Ok, so since then I wanted to work pass that, I accepted his apologies and never brought it up again. It was the first time he ever hurt me, I felt he deserves another chance. That was the very first time we talked about breaking up AND I believe since that talk he’s never really stopped thinking about it. After that our relationship was never the same. We began putting the blame on each other on any argument we had. Like the smallest stupidest things you can have just got blown into to bigger longer drawn out fights. Most of the time its fighting that we never see eachother. Let me explain….

 

Matt and I do not live together, we moved out once because his friend bought a house and asked us to move in and rent from him. That living situation lasted for a year because of conflict with our roommates. NOW.. we both moved back home with our parents and we live further away then ever before. I feel like our relationship is literally moving backwards, we are moving in the wrong direction this has always scared me. We’ve talked about moving out and he says he needs to save money and also tells me he wouldn’t be able to get a place again because he has no credit and a judgment against him from a previous apartment scam he had… THAT’S A WHOLE NOTHER STORY. But anyways he always has some kind of reason, our discussion was to start looking at places summer of 2010 it is now May and he hasn’t showed any interest in moving out with me. So then I was thinking if we haven’t moved out together by now 4+ years of dating I want to be engaged before we do take that step together, I figure I have invested enough of my love and time in this relationship I need some answers… so what did I do?

 

Probably the worst thing possible---or some tell me not, but I kind of think so. I gave him a somewhat ultimatum, I told him we are not moving forward, we are just kind of stuck, and I do not want to move in with you unless I know this relationship is going somewhere. I told him I loved him unconditionally and I want to be engaged to signify our future together. OMG. He basically made me feel like I was crazy! These exact words left his mouth, “that is a materialistic thing to ask for, you need a ring to be with me? Do I want to marry you? Yes. Do I want to get married now? No. In the next couple years, probably.” Omg! Drives me crazy he repeatedly said this throughout the conversation, and to be honest it pissed me off. I flat out said well it scares the hell out of me that you get this upset when talking about something that should make us happy and whole. Most of all I know what I want. I want to marry you. I want to have kids. OMG. You should hear him when I bring up kids. He can not even talk about it without getting pissed off, I swear its scary. Let me quote him. “Do I want to have kids? Yes.” Do I want to talk about having kids now? No. I can’t even think about having kids now!” AND that is basically where I realized that maybe this isn’t for me? I mean honestly I am 23 YEARS OLD I live with my mom I do not want to have kids now of course not. But that fact is Matt can not simply even talk about it.

 

He can not see the future like I can nor even think about it? WHAT DOES THIS SAY? It seems so crazy to me that he would think that way? All in all we can not communicate like we use to. Hey if you are still reading this I love you for it! Please give me your advice, I don’t talk to anyone but my mom about this. Now present day its May 19th My mom got sick and was sent to hospital on the 16th…. Matt of course came, but appeared like he did not see the point in coming. Sad I know. The 17th he again came after he got off work, At about 8:00 pm we left the hospital together and then I suggested we go get something to eat. I asked him what he wanted, and he responded sharply and said “something quick” ehhh ok? I thought that was kinda roud. Well I asked, “What would you like?” he replied, “Lets just go to Jimmy Johns.” Its not that there’s anything wrong with Jimmy Johns but the whole response I got out of him left me feeling frustrated and sad. I couldn’t really deal with him acting insensitive to me once again during another hard time in my life. SO I IMMEDIATLEY responded with, “No, I don’t really want Jimmy Johns.” He proceeded to ask once again sharply, “Weeelll, then what do YOU want?” GRRR… by this point I am getting heated. I said I just want to grab a pizza and go home. We didn’t know where the closest pizza place was, so he failed again in taking the initiative to look up the closest papa murphys, so I had to do it.

 

I apologize for going into such horrible detail of our ridiculous conversation, but I have to, so you can understand how pathetic this has become. The night then on with us being very distant from each other before my mom was omitted I was planning on spending the night on his house, but because of the way he was acting I decided I wanted to stay at my house that night. I admit I wasn’t making much effort either because I was hurt by everything going on. The night ended at about 11:30 pm where we got to nit picking and blaming, until a long silence came over us. We had nothing left to say, literally. It was as if in that instance everything stopped and it was like that was the end of US very eerry, and I wanted him to leave, and I didn’t even care =( I am breaking up in tears right now as I type this. I can not help but think how much worst I made this by not ending it last August when I first had my doubts then if we did break up then, and we were meant to be together we’d end up making up, or really just ending it there, but because we prolonged the relationship, this I think has given him time to see himself without me, and slowly get over me while still be with me? eerr Not over me, but maybe come to terms with us not working out after all, which makes me ill.

 

So now he says he needs some time, and so do I, so I can completely understand that, although I do not believe in breaks. I do not know what to think at this point. I am completely miserable I get this weird feeling in my stomach and think about him at the same time everyday before he starts work, on his break and when he gets off work. Those are the times he calls me. Its horrible. I know I can not call him, I want him to wake up and love me again. I miss my Matt, I feel like I don’t make him happy anymore, and because we don’t live together we are seeing less and less of eachother. Is my relationship fizzling Away? Do you think giving us a REAL shot at living together and being reminded of what we love about eachother will make us, or break us? Keep in mind we have never lived alone together…

 

OK EVERYONE GIVE THIS YOUR BEST SHOT! I need you guys! THANKS and I Know I am not alone because of you=)

[DN]

OK - let's see this from his perspective for a moment and how he might be thinking:

 

You are pressuring him about marriage and kids when he clearly isn't ready. Not a good idea. How old is he and at what stage of life is he regarding education and career?

 

He went with you to see your Mom because he remembers how it was with your uncle. But instead of appreciating that effort you chose to look at him as if he didn't want to be there. And then, you ask him where he wanted to go eat and when he says a particular place you pick a fight about it and blame him.

 

Would that be how he might view it?

[RedDress]

Wow. A lot going on there emotionally...

 

I have a really good (married) guy friend who once told me that women like to see the future. Not that it really has to go in the direction that we think... we just want to plan and know what the future looks like. I think this is what is happening to you.

 

You think the next step might be moving in together. But you don't know how or when that is going to happen. You think that the next step might be marriage and kids - but he's flat out told you that he's not ready.

 

You feel like you are standing still and all of this is making you look harder and harder into the future. Are you really upset that he was grumpy when he went to visit your mom in the hospital? Or that he couldn't pick a pizza place? These are small apples. I think you're more worried about what all that means.

 

I think that pushing the marriage thing is jumping the gun. You're only 23. I know you THINK that's old.. but especially if he's not ready... don't do it. That's huge.

 

Moving in? Alright. But... how are you going to make that happen.

 

I'd try to explain to him that you need a relationship goal. What about saving for a vacation together? What about travelling for a while? You've got the world! You're young, you have few bills... I'd take advantage of this time in your life!

 

Pushing him for more commitment than he is ready to give is just asking for trouble, IMO. How important is it to you?

[faithful14]

you should talk wih him and ask him what he wants from this relationship- if he seriously sees a future with you or not. You both have got to be on the same page in regards to making a future committment. You both need to fix on what's troubling you and then take it from there.

 

Moving in is a big step and it should be when you and him are both ready. I can understand that when there is a lot of drama in the relationship, people usually can't go forward. If you're looking for a next step from him, i liked red dress's idea- go on a vacation with him. That's a big step to me. You both are young and have plenty of time to move in, get married and have kids. Don't rush into, take your time, and work things out. When you are both on the same page- then take it to the next level.

[velvette]

he does want to marry you, have kids... gave you a timeline for marriage (couple years), and I won't blame him for not being able to think about kids at this age!

 

and I agree with DN. try viewing it from his shoes. also, read Al Turtle. he is awesome (especially, for you I think, the advice about 'being a cool partner; when you are a cool partner nobody would ever want to leave you'). good luck!

[notsogood]

For obvious reasons you are more focused on the negatives right now. Are there any positives? Sorry I didn't read your last post a year ago so I'm not sure. Is he always this way as in nonchalant and not caring about much when around you?

 

Does he do anything special for you or act like he really misses you after periods of times being alone? (days not hours). As to the people being sick and death thing, maybe he is freaked out by it or what not. I don't agree with his actions but how does he treat you otherwise?

 

Let's say this. you love him unconditionally you said so yourself. Why? Is it enough to wait 2-3 years to get married maybe longer and is he the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? You are only 23 and still very young and have plenty of time. Don't feel burdened by time.

[Sweetkisses22]

You can be happy without being married with kids for a while longer. Your both still young and have plenty of time to decide how you want to spend your lives. He clearly is not ready for that now and he probably is reacting this way because u r pressuring him. Ask him what he wants. You both need to ask each other where u see this going.