1 year of games what do I do?

[hero112]

Hello eNotAlone...

 

I have posted on here before

basically my ex and I dated for a couple months and we have tried to reconcile and she just pushes me away and I cut her off for months everytime. I ignored her birthday in april and the next day she sent me text saying "thank you for the flowers and chocolates, why didnt you text me?" I was in NC once again since march. I never had sent her anything but I think she was just playing with me. So then a few weeks later I felt guilty and last weds I sent her flowers and chocolates with a card attached saying dinner this week?

 

She messages me and tells me there gorgeous and dinner soon, i keep pushing the fact lets get together I havent seen you for so long. We have a long talk a day later and we clear stuff up and she says its only fair for both of us to move on next time I go NC, that she is not going to come back. I say fair enough and explain to her that her actions cause me to do this. That we need to communicate better and not to walk away from other.

 

Everything's fine we are talking back and forth, then on monday night she asks for the weight loss stuff and i tell her no i'm not going to get it for you because its not healthy for you that I will help you in any other way. She says im not going to drop this.. She tells me that when she loses weight that she feels beautiful about herself and I told her she is beautiful as she is and that's all that matters.

 

She messages me the next day and says that she cant rely on me as a friend and that its not just the weight loss stuff, that she has trust issues because of how I cut her off in the past. That she has amazing people in her life and doesn't want to jeopardize that in any way. That we should stop communicating..

 

This was the fourth time I gave her another chance and this time in the heat of the moment I just messaged her and told her to " then she wrote that is exactly why she can't give a about me.

 

I feel really guilty that in the moment I said that but I felt that she gave me no choice that she treats me like a doormat and as soon as I don't do what she wants she doesn't want me but if I go nc she keeps initiating contact until I give in. I never responded back to her, but I feel that I should apologize? What do you guys think?

[hero112]

I was thinking of sending something like this?

 

My choice of words weren't the best, but Kels you need to understand that the things you say and do are very selfish....can you honestly remember the last time that you did or said something really thoughtful to me?

[savignon]

a YEAR of your life spent playing games with this girl and you're not sure if you should keep on playing??

Your decision, I suppose.

[hero112]

a YEAR of your life spent playing games with this girl and you're not sure if you should keep on playing??

Your decision, I suppose.

 

Very good point, but I know logic tells me one thing but my heart tells me not to let her go.. I cut her off and she keeps coming back. I just feel guilty for telling her off like i did.

[savignon]

I just feel guilty for telling her off like i did.

This is an excuse to talk to her again and re-start the whole push/pull game.

Just imagine yourself posting in a few months "a year and a half of games..what should I do??"

Ughh. Surely you have better things to do!

Best wishes.

[hero112]

I just feel guilty for telling her off like i did.

This is an excuse to talk to her again and re-start the whole push/pull game.

Just imagine yourself posting in a few months "a year and a half of games..what should I do??"

Ughh. Surely you have better things to do!

Best wishes.

 

So Savignon you feel that going NC again is the best way? I just feel that those words were very strong. I keep questioning myself on what to do.. I took a few days off work so i can clear my mind. This really sucks

[savignon]

you don't need her forgiveness...you need to forgive yourself. If you never got mad or frustrated or lost your temper given the past drama, I would think you had no backbone. Appologizing to her is just opening the door to more garbage. Start focusing on what you want and deserve in your next relationship and let her stew about the naughty language if that's how she wants to spend her time. You have better things to do (I hope.....if not, find some!)

[d_lilah]

I don't think what you are thinking of sending is a good idea, it's just going to incite more argument...in that text you are placing the blame solely on her, and that won't fix any problem.

 

If you want to apologise for your choice of words, I think you should. It's never good to have guilt ebbing away at you.

 

But the games you are describing can't be helping you at all. They are just confusing. They make you say rash things like that, and you know its not like you. Maybe just try to explain that to her?

[d_lilah]

If you never got mad or frustrated or lost your temper given the past drama, I would think you had no backbone. Appologizing to her is just opening the door to more garbage.

 

I disagree here. If someone apologised to me because they had said something wrong during an argument, I would happily accept and think of them a better person. It's a strong person who stands by what they say, but a stronger one who can admit they are wrong.

 

I agree that the games need to stop, but I never think that abandoning things after an argument are a good idea. It leaves negative thoughts to both parties.

[DN]

Had you cut this woman out of your life when you should have you could be months into a relationship with another woman by now.

[savignon]

(sorry...deleted)

[hero112]

What do you guys think?

 

My choice of words weren't the best, but sarah you need to understand that the things that you do lead me to do things that are not the real me. I care for you and you keep running away whether this time its through a perfect life that you have right now or ignoring my texts in the past. Is this ever going to end? Think about it after this, I am telling you I am done with this.. No more I cant do this push / pull with you anymore.

[hero112]

I dated other girls while we were going back and forth and besides some meaningless sex I had no feelings for any of them. As if I could not put my heart into it.. I dont want to leave it as it is right now but in a way i believe savignon is right, I cant have her walking all over me. She does not see the value in me but the value on what I can get her.

[d_lilah]

Personally, I like it. It's an apology, but at the same time, it's not. But that's just my opinion.

 

I think you are doing the right thing, it seems to have really taken its toll on you.

[hero112]

It is taking a toll because I do care for her, but damn it I dont know what to do.. Ive been no contact before and I start feeling better and she keeps coming back. I even told her 1 year we have been going back and forth that must mean something it obvious we do care for each other & she agreed. I just have never told her off like that its always been me just going strict NC.

 

Thats why I want to get peoples opinions on what they think, an outside perspective always shows a clearer image.

 

Thanks everyone

[hero112]

any ideas anyone?

[Fishman]

Honestly, it already sounds like you know what to do. You're not happy with the way things are, you are tired of trying and to be patient for things to change, and you feel she doesn't respect you. I think you know where that will eventually end up. Kill the drama and get on with your life. It may sound harsh, but this mode you're in doesn't sound like it is getting you anywhere. You have to realize that you are looking for someone who is going to try to work with you, not try and manipulate you. You are enabling her to do that. You don't have to allow that to continue. You do have a choice here.

 

If you feel guilty for what you said and you really feel the need to apologize, then do so. But, I would keep it short and give her no "in" to try and contact you further. Something like: "Sorry for the things I said in the heat of the moment. I was frustrated and realize now it came out in a hurtful way. I wish you the best in life but I need to move on so we can both find happiness." Just don't use as a way to try and give her one more chance to change. Because you cannot force someone to do that in the way you want. And even if you could, wouldn't that defeat the whole purpose? Stop setting yourself up to be disappointed.

 

Good luck.

[hero112]

Fishman thank you- my question for you is that is it really rude to tell someone that? The whole time I've always kept my cool but she was just acting like a chile that didn't get what she wanted and she knows that I care for her. So cutting me off would hurt me. I just feel that saying that screwed up everything meaningful I have ever done for her. What do you think? Would you apologize even tho the person needed a reality check? I'm sick of being a doormat and As soon as I started standing by my word she tells me to screw off basically.

 

Thanks everyone

[Fishman]

Fishman thank you- my question for you is that is it really rude to tell someone that? The whole time I've always kept my cool but she was just acting like a chile that didn't get what she wanted and she knows that I care for her. So cutting me off would hurt me. I just feel that saying that screwed up everything meaningful I have ever done for her. What do you think? Would you apologize even tho the person needed a reality check? I'm sick of being a doormat and As soon as I started standing by my word she tells me to screw off basically.

 

Thanks everyone

 

There are times when you need to drop the hammer on people. When they are continually disrespecting you and have no intention of stopping or apologizing and act like its OK, I think it is correct to stand up for yourself. Yeah, one can be too harsh when doing this and I don't know if you crossed the line here. Only you can make that determination since I'm just pixels over the ether in the internet. I wasn't there and I don't know the situation, so I cannot definitively tell you if it was OK or not. No one here can.

 

I do think you are putting a little too much stock into her feelings here. I know you care about her, but if you don't reserve boundaries for yourself, you will find people will walk all over you. It's good to be a nice guy, not so good to be a pushover. It can be a fine line, I know. But, people who truly care about you are not going to trash a relationship over small blowups where there is no violence. People who do this are selfish, they cannot compromise unless they get their way. That's BS. Don't you think you have already shown her time and time again how you feel? Do you want to be with someone that turns on you for every mistake you do? Is more interested in getting a pound of flesh than working out conflicts? I don't know man, this doesn't sound healthy to me. But, again, I only know what you write in the context you write it. Take a stand and follow through with it. You won't get anywhere if you don't. You gotta make the call.

 

You seem to be sick of the situation. You already know what to do. If you want to apologize, I think you best keep it short, sweet and final. Otherwise, you run the risk of being here in this spot again. Your call.

[ForumGuy]

Wow Hero, you are telling my story. I am only in the third round of going NC, only to have her "crack" and contact me. She contacted me once at 5 weeks NC, because of her guilt, and next at 3 weeks NC, because she was jealous. I have been a fool both times and let her right back in.....easily. She will spend a few days saying how much she loves me, then it starts dwindling from there until it gets to complete disrespect and her doing the "bare minimum" to keep me around. No other guys though, almost wish there was someone else at this point.

 

I just went NC again this morning with a real short and polite letter. I know your feeling exactly about not wanting to leave it on a bad note. I did leave mine on a bad note the first time and it didn't matter.

 

It really sucks that they are so mad, or whatever that nothing nice comes out of their mouth about us. I asked mine about this, saying "you haven't said a nice thing about me in 2010". She said "I know I love the good basic qualities about you". One conclusion I have come to is that she would rather that I be a monster because she just can't justify leaving someone completely if they are "a nice guy". Anyway, let me get back to your hread and maybe I can say something constructive.

[hero112]

Forumguy- how is your NC going?

 

Hey guys, so I ran into her the other day, I walked off at first and after giving some thought went back and spoke to her. We hugged and talked for a couple minutes and she asked me why I said that. I explained that it was one year of this non sense and I can't put up with it anymore! She was in a hurry and called me later on, we had a long talk and she said that's how I felt everytime you cut me out of your life. I explained that I never pushed her away that she always provoked me and that's the reason i did what I did.

 

She asked me would we still be friends if we started dating other people? And I said I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow I just want to go with the flow and not close any doors. In the past that I have cut my exes off for quite a while and talked later on in life. She agreed but again she's like up and down, I asked her the last time not to text me anymore and she keeps trying even after I say just call me back later txt.

 

I asked her Friday if we could grab a bite to eat and she said sure around 730 and then calls me back an hour later and says that she just double checked her work schedule and that she has a later shift. I say that's fine, and yesterday I hint that I don't feel like going to this party and she messages me back and says just go, I started work at 4am! And I'm staying in.. It's like the more I try to get together she pulls away. I don't want a phone or texting relationship and that's all it is. I never see her we just talk on the phone it's stupid. She also wishes me a happy early birthday yesterday and says I hope you have a good one. She hasn't called me today or anything, this might be because I was in NC on her birthday. I just feel that she's pushing away, I want to show her that I want to communicate but all that seems to do is push her away? I don't know what to do? Any ideas? She hasn't mentioned taking me out for my bday or anything.. Last year she was so excited and planned it and this year it seems like she doesn't even care. I feel that she's up and down and crazy like what do I do? Play this push pull game again? Go nc? I just don't know

 

please help

[savignon]

You don't seem to have learned much from the last go-round so I'll just say good luck to you....

[hero112]

I was possibly thinking of sending her an email saying that, I understand everything going

on with your family & your hectic work schedule that you have no time

for anything else. When you say you can't trust me and rely on me that's very strong feeling towards me and I can't change your mind. Besides not getting you clen I have never not been reliable and I've explained why I dissapeared each time.

 

What I'm feeling is that If your truly up to it, whatever happened in the past let's leave it there and work on the future. It's te future that matters right? Take your time and give it some thought, and if you need time to work on your trust issues I'll understand.

[hero112]

I guess we all live and learn.. It's my birthday today and we spoke on the phone.. I've been trying to get together with her for the past few weeks and I ask her what she is doing tomorrow, and if I could see her for my birthday. She goes since I ignored her birthday and was a month late that my birthday was pending and maybe a month later we can go out. I said that an eye for an eye makes the world blind - "Gandhi" so I said this back and forth is very stupid that all we have is a telephone relationship that Whats the point? She explains that I can't expect her to make time for me because I'm so in and out of her life that she's busy with work and everything that maybe soon we can get together. I have asked her so many times now Im started to feel like an idiot! I don't want to go NC but clearly she is very immature and Sees no value in me. What do I do go NC and cut her out of my life or write her a letter explaining that whether its s friendship or relationship that with anything it takes two people?

 

What do you guys think? My heart clearly knows that I can not deal with this for the rest of my life she's crazy. As soon as I start talking to her It brings me down.

[DN]

I understand that it is hard for you but this relationship is dead. Give it a decent burial and move on. Trying to resuscitate it is just making you even more miserable.