Breadwinner

[Hermes]

I think I can safely say that every woman I know is working outside the home in some capacity or other. Some full time jobs, others half-day jobs, others in their own business, profession. And at all ages.

 

 

H

[babii doll]

I think I can safely say that every woman I know is working outside the home in some capacity or other. Some full time jobs, others half-day jobs, others in their own business, profession. And at all ages.

 

 

H

 

i cant say the same. maybe its just the location, cost of living here, but i can safely say the majority of my female relatives are stay at home wives, which again i have no issue with as i will be apart of the group eventually, but they have nothing to fall back on if at any point the marriage didnt work out which worries me.

 

i did manage a business degree and have stable work history as my plan B. they would have to re-enter the workforce and hope like heck they land something decent if something happens. one of the risks you take sticking with tradition i guess.

[Hermes]

Very worrying, BabiD.

 

but they have nothing to fall back on if at any point the marriage didnt work out which worries me.

 

I think tradition is lovely, but a good dose of common-sense is great too.

 

H

[Firiel]

After a few years of working, I would love to be a stay-at-home mom (at least until the kids went to school, at which point I'd want to start working some). I know that having my mom at home during my childhood was really nice; it was nice to go home and be able to have a parent there, get help with my homework and all that jazz. What I don't want is to have to send my children to a lot of daycare. I don't mind it in proportion, but I hate the idea of sending them off five days a week from 8-5.

 

With what my fiance is planning on doing with his life, though, I know I will probably have to work, at least part time. He will have a fairly flexible job, so we will probably end up coming up with a system where we both take care of the kids/bring home the bacon. I do believe that everyone should have the training they need to take care of themselves financially if the need should arise. You never know when a SO will lose a job or when a divorce will force you to be a single working mother instead of a stay at home mother.

[LAYAAN]

How many people still accept the old fashioned idea that the man is the breadwinner and the woman is the homemaker? Not necessarily that you would put yourself in that situation, but do you have issues with people who do it?

whatever keeps your boat floating. whatever idea you and your partner are comfortable with.

Some want a wife who brings in money, some don't care. What girls need to do is find out what arrangement they are truly comfortable with and choose a guy who has similar beliefs. Otherwise, it leads to frustration and resentment.

 

My views - I will be blessed to find work in this economy, but the truth is that I want to work only part-time (if at all) if I have a child. I would like to be present in that child's life for first 5 years at least. I would not want to try to keep my job and continue earning money and continue giving away that money to someone who won't provide as good of a childcare as a mother would. But again, that is what I think today. My thoughts and view may change once I reach that stage for real. I want someone who will be genuinely okay with my not working at least for the first few years once we have a child.

 

Most Indian men have asked me only finance related Qs immediately after meeting me in person. I am glad that things didn't work out and I'm still single. One man had an audacity to ask me "Will you be able to find a job right after delivering a baby?" I could imagine myself running to work with the placenta still hanging out from my vagina... sorry if that sounds gross, but that's what he sounded like. "Well, you have done your job of pushing a baby out, now go bring home some money or else I'll divorce you."

[hexaemeron]

I literally just spat out my SoBe smartwater all over my laptop monitor. Hahahah, that is like... the best visual ever. Especially if it gets caught in the car door/train door on the commute to work and it's just merrily wafting in the wind.

[LAYAAN]

Read, play tennis, volunteer, study, swim, go hiking, spend time with pets, spend time with family, cook...

This is never going to happen, by the way. It's just a fantasy of mine.

I see what you are saying. Thats what my mom did. She never had a stable job after marriage. Had a child in 1.5 yrs into her marriage, just enjoyed herself. This is my fantasy too, but I think that it will stay a fantasy only.

[LAYAAN]

I literally just spat out my SoBe smartwater all over my laptop monitor. Hahahah, that is like... the best visual ever. Especially if it gets caught in the car door/train door on the commute to work and it's just merrily wafting in the wind.

hahah... exactly... pretty much like a mama deer (if you have seen some of the animal planet videos of deer or elephants giving birth) and then I'll be in the news, "Look at this woman. See what women do to keep their jobs."

[LAYAAN]

The working wives and mothers I know certainly do not have it easy. Their schedule is punishing, from when they get up in the early hours, until they crash into bed at night, for maybe 6 hours sleep.

Many working wives I know are doctors, lawyers, an engineer or two, etc. and they leave me in awe at how they are able to juggle everything.

H

completely agree... I've seen this myself. Its a hard life. If your kids are well behaved, thats a big plus. If your husband chips in with dishes, cutting vegetables, taking trash out, keeping home neat, thats a huge plus. Otherwise, its a drain on the woman. I salute these women. I would really want to know how they do it.

[LAYAAN]

Everyone should have skills and education in order to support him/herself.

No, if you come from a rich family then all you need to do is get your inheritance and enjoy. I have already sent a letter to God asking him to give me this type of life in my next birth, so I've reserved my spot for next birth. Too bad, I didn't get this idea in my previous birth otherwise I won't be sitting here discussing this today.

[generaldiscord]

I am not used to a high level of comfort. I grew up poor. My parents taught me how to live extremely cheaply. Even nowadays, when I could simply take out another job for more money, I still feel the need to be extremely thrifty.

 

I can be happy with $15,000 per year. I could be happier with more. If I were to have children, I would want to stay home for some years. I would expect the man to be the breadwinner, so he would have to make at least $30,000 to cover everything, and 50,000 to have no worries. After the children were acceptably mature, I would be bored being a housewife. I would prefer to work.

[Hurting85]

I think I messed the quotes up somehow, so sorry if I did!

 

i have no issues with women who do that, but i can only imagine the boredom kicking in shortly after that arrangement.

 

fortunately cost of living here doesnt necessarily require 2 incomes to get by. my fiancee and i are pretty traditional and he would prefer me to stay at home, but if i wanted to work he wouldnt mind a part time atleast to keep me occupied.

 

I stay at home. We discussed it and we're comfortable with this arrangement, for now. It was great when we were first settling in. I was cleaning all day, rearranging furniture, sorting, filing, organizing. I was EXHAUSTED by day's end. It wore me out more than his job wore him out. But now we're mostly settled. I intentionally let housework build up over the weekend so I have something to look forward to when he leaves Monday mornings.

 

I was watching True Life earlier, and this newlywed asked her husband PERMISSION to get a job! I was floored. If I ever decided I wanted a job, and I am on the fence right now because I'm dreadful bored, then I would say, HEY, guess what? I'm getting a job. And he would contribute more to housework.

 

People are entitled to do what they want, but I think this is a recipe for disaster. Especially if a relationship doesn't work out and a woman finds herself without the necessary set of skills to support herself. I learned as a child that women should always be financially independent, and barring that, at least have a Plan B.

 

I'm actually more educated. I have a great degree, from a reputable school. I'd be fine on my own. If I could figure out what I wanted to do with my life.

 

And I kind of bring in an income. He's military, so he got housing allowance when we got married. "I" bring in more than he does! Which cracks me up.

[Unknown1607307972]

How many people still accept the old fashioned idea that the man is the breadwinner and the woman is the homemaker? Not necessarily that you would put yourself in that situation, but do you have issues with people who do it?

 

Personally, no way in hell. I am no homemaker, it doesn't suit me in any way. I want to work and devide the housework with my boyfriend when we move in together next year.

 

Other people, that's their lives and therefore their choice. As logn as they don't judge me for not following their structure.

[babii doll]

I was watching True Life earlier, and this newlywed asked her husband PERMISSION to get a job! I was floored. If I ever decided I wanted a job, and I am on the fence right now because I'm dreadful bored, then I would say, HEY, guess what? I'm getting a job. And he would contribute more to housework.

 

 

i saw that true life epi too. interesting dynamic they had set up, couldnt see myself asking for FIs permission, if i wanna work i will.

[lavenderdove]

I think everyone should choose what works for them, but my mother who was a very wise woman and raised in times when women usually didn't work, told me from an early age that a woman should ALWAYS have some money or her own and the ability to support herself lest life not turn out like one hoped.

 

More than half of all marriages end in divorce these days, and depending on the circumstances, the wife could be very quickly out on her ear with no career experience and no way to support herself short of awful minimum wage jobs and kids to take care of. It used to be that when people divorced, the wife automatically got alimony for life to compensate for her lack of a decent career, but that is no longer the case. The many may have to pay a settlement and child support and short term alimony, but the woman usually ends up with a far lower standard of living if she had no career skills and he was the breadwinner with a good income.

 

So i firmly believe that no matter what your intentions are, it pays to at least get an education and training to have a decent career, AND to keep up that knowledge and perhaps some work experience via a job before the kids and/or part time work with the kids lest she be left bereft if the marriage breaks up or the husband dies.

 

Also, if a woman doesn't have an income of her own and is totally dependent on her husband, it can skew the power balance and force her to put up with all kinds of bad behavior just to keep a roof over her head with a decent standard of living. I know many stay at home wives who are unfortunately at their husband's mercy, where the man feels he has a right to dictate their lives (and her life especially) since he pays all the bills.

 

So i don't think it is an either/or situation, where the wife just assumes she will never work and always be at home and everything will be fine. It is best to be prepared and not be totally at anyone else's mercy because life can be full of unexpected changes and events. So it is fine for the couple to make that decision, but the wife especially should keep up some career skills and participate equally in the finances and decisions so as not to end up in the one down position or bereft without a career should the husband decide to leave.

[Sanesoul]

I would love to be a SAHM. I had about 6 months off work 4 years ago, and I loved spending every minute of time with my daughter. Before that I had worked since she was 6 weeks old. Now she is in school, but I would still love to not have to work.

 

I could spend the time volunteering or going back to school. Unfortunately, it is not in the cards for me.

[Hermes]

I fully agree Lavender.

 

the wife especially should keep up some career skills and participate equally in the finances and decisions so as not to end up in the one down position or bereft without a career should the husband decide to leave.

 

Even if one decides to stay at home, it is still vitally important to have a career, as one cannot even imagine or foretell what lifeis likely to throw at one.

A husband can become ill, isabled, invalid, for example. Or a husband can die relatively young, maybe because of an accident.

 

It is so important to be able to support oneself.

 

H

[greywolf]

I try not to but I do kind of look down on women in the "homemaker" role. I can understand it if there are a lot of kids, so I try really hard not to let that effect the way I think about people but it sneaks in there. If no kids are involved I feel like it's just laziness.

 

I'm not saying that you're like this, but I think that many people think this way and it's due to sexism. Women are encouraged to get into traditionally male jobs, while female jobs are looked down on. I think feminism has it all wrong.

[Hermes]

Greywolf:

 

What is a "female" job? I am no feminist, by any means, but there is no reason why a woman cannot do traditionally male jobs, and men can also do jobs traditionally female. An example is that at one time nearly all nurses were female, with only a very few men in the profession. That has changed enormously. I just give it as an example.

 

I think if a married woman wants to stay at home it is her choice and if she wishes to work outside the home, at her profession, or at any other job, that is her choice too. All I know is that very few married women (here at least) are not working, maybe not full-time, maybe half-day, maybe three days a week, but most couples need the two incomes.

 

H

[greywolf]

Greywolf:

 

What is a "female" job? I am no feminist, by any means, but there is no reason why a woman cannot do traditionally male jobs, and men can also do jobs traditionally female. An example is that at one time nearly all nurses were female, with only a very few men in the profession. That has changed enormously. I just give it as an example.

 

I think if a married woman wants to stay at home it is her choice and if she wishes to work outside the home, at her profession, or at any other job, that is her choice too. All I know is that very few married women (here at least) are not working, maybe not full-time, maybe half-day, maybe three days a week, but most couples need the two incomes.

 

H

 

I think people should get into any job they want to. But you cannot deny that women are encouraged to enter traditionally male jobs (doctor, scientist, etc.) while men who enter into traditionally female jobs (nurse, elementary teacher) are considered effeminate. To me that says that traditional male jobs are valued, and traditional female jobs are not. Even now there are few men in the nursing profession. There are about 5 males in my class of 50 students. Most male nurses that you see in the hospital are from other countries.

[DN]

I think if a married woman wants to stay at home it is her choice and if she wishes to work outside the home, at her profession, or at any other job, that is her choice too.

Interesting that on the one hand you condemn the idea of 'female' jobs but then post the above. Why should it be only a married woman who can choose to stay home?

 

Additionaly, I don't think anyone has the right to choose to stay home and not have a job outside the home unless their partner is in full and unpressured agreement - it is a choice a couple makes together. No one should feel it is their 'job' to financially support a partner and/or a family on their own. If they want to - that is their decision. But it should not be a woman's right to impose this on a partner because it is what she wants to do regardless of whether he is in full agreement.

[Hermes]

I didn't "condemn" anything DN. I don't follow you. Read my post again.

 

I don't think anyone has the right to choose to stay home and not have a job outside the home unless their partner is in full and unpressured agreement - it is a choice a couple makes together. No one should feel it is their 'job' to financially support a partner and/or a family on their own. If they want to - that is their decision. But it should not be a woman's right to impose this on a partner because it is what she wants to do regardless of whether he is in full agreement.

 

This is your opinion DN, to which you are fully entitled.

 

H

[DN]

I didn't "condemn" anything DN. I don't follow you. Read my post again.H

 

What you said was:

What is a "female" job? I am no feminist, by any means, but there is no reason why a woman cannot do traditionally male jobs, and men can also do jobs traditionally female. An example is that at one time nearly all nurses were female, with only a very few men in the profession.

which seems to me to say that you don't think there should be such a thing as a female job.

[Hermes]

Gross generalization Greywolf.

 

But you cannot deny that women are encouraged to enter traditionally male jobs (doctor, scientist, etc.) while men who enter into traditionally female jobs (nurse, elementary teacher) are considered effeminate

 

Women are (surprise, surprise!) well able to make up their own minds about the career they choose. Including myself.

And there is nothing effeminate about being a male nurse, and no, they are NOT all from some foreign country. I have a couple of members of my own family who are male nurses, and the sure are not effeminate LOL.

 

There are lots of female nurses, as I said, and quite an increasing number of male nurses. Teachers here would be the same. You do not say which country you are in, so maybe it is different where you are, and the attitudes are different.

 

At present in the medical faculty in Dublin University the proportion of women to men is in the region (I am given to understand) of 70/30. Similar in the law faculty.

Why should a woman not be a doctor, dentist, lawyer, or astronaut, or whatever if she wishes? And why should she not be a nurse, teacher, or what you describe as female jobs if she wishes to do that?

 

I have relatives in ALL of the above professions - men and women.

 

H

[greywolf]

I'm not trying to argue that women can't choose what profession they want to be in. I'm all for equal rights. Neither do I believe that men who enter into traditional female jobs are effeminate. What I am trying to say is that society still looks down on traditional female jobs and I think that's wrong. A nurses job is just as important as a doctor's. A teacher's job is just as important as any other traditional male jobs. In fact, I believe a teacher's job is one of the most important out there because they are teaching the next generation of people in our society. But traditional female jobs are still paid less despite their importance.

 

Also, I was not clear earlier. When I said 'female jobs' I meant traditionally female jobs. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.