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Hit on by a gay guy, I'm straight

Scott12

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Scott12 Rookie

Scott12

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Okay, hope I'm not stepping on any toes here, but I'm just looking for some advice on how to handle a situation like this in the future, and to make sure I handled this situation okay.

 

Last night at my apartments while I'm outside smoking this guy comes up to me and asks me for directions to someone else's apartment in the complex. I say I don't know this person because I'm new to the complex, etc. We start chatting for a bit and he informs me that he met this guy the other night and they were supposed to hook up that night and that he was bummed because he had lost the apartment number, etc.

 

He then says the guy looks quite a bit like me (I swear I must resemble everyone on earth because I get this all the time) and then starts saying "but you're not into that, are you?" I chuckled and said no, and he asked if I was sure. I said, "Yes, plus I don't think my fiancee would appreciate it very much". He replied by saying that she wouldn't have to know because he certainly wouldn't go tell her, etc. Eventually we parted and went our separate ways.

 

My problem is that toward the end I got the vibe from him that he was thinking I was put off or upset because he had been hitting on me. On the contrary I was strangely flattered, perhaps because of the novelty. So my questions are: did I handle the rejection okay and is there any advice for handling it better in the future?

 

Scott

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BellaDonna Grand Master

BellaDonna

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I think you handled it ok, but I can see why he would be confused:

 

"Yes, plus I don't think my fiancee would appreciate it very much".

 

That is sort of sending mixed signals (i.e. you might be into it if you didn't have a fiance)

 

If you wanted to completely shut the door on the advance quickly, you could have just told him you are not into it- and he'd move on more easily instead of offering you alternative scenerios such as, your fiance does not have to know, etc.

 

I think in order to make it clear you are not interested you need to be very assertive. This goes for any situation, it doesn't matter if it is being intitiated by a man or a woman. If I am out with friends and a guy tries to buy me a drink and start chatting, I make it clear I am not interested. I won't say that I can't simply because I am married- because then they can persist with nonsense like "so what". If someone is pushy they will still jump all over you after you say something like that. You have to make it clear that the reason you are saying "no" is fully your choice.

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Tanzi Mentor

Tanzi

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My boyfriend gets hit on by gay men all the time too ... even when I'm around ... and he also finds it extremely flattering.

 

I think you handled things fine. I'm sure he would be able to tell that you weren't offended. I don't know whether mentioning your fiancee was necessary ... only because you opened yourself up to more suggestiveness but that is a minor point.

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Scott12 Rookie

Scott12

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Bella,

 

To be fair, my total response to him was "I chuckled and said no, and he asked if I was sure. I said, 'Yes, plus I don't think my fiancee would appreciate it very much'." In addition, after the first time I said no he asked if I had ever been curious, to which I also replied no. My fiancee comment is usually the one I reserve for when women are being pushy. If a woman says something like "She doesn't have to know" I reply with "Well, I would know. And I wouldn't screw around on her, and I especially wouldn't want to screw around with someone who would be okay with me screwing around on her." That usually shuts them up. I didn't bust out that line this time because I think I got a little flustered because it was a new situation for me.

 

Hope that clears things up a little.

 

Scott

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FathomFear Contributor

FathomFear

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I think you handled the situation extraordinarily well. I think many gay guys are so used to straight guys responding in a homophobic manner that they start assuming that a lack of homophobia is actually a sign of homosexuality. Which, as we know, is not the case.

 

Personally, I think it's flattering to be desired. I have no interest in women, for example, but am flattered and get a confidence boost if a woman says she finds me attractive. The same should be true in reverse, too--it's just that homophobia gets in the way from some people seeing it that way.

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Scott12 Rookie

Scott12

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I think you handled the situation extraordinarily well. I think many gay guys are so used to straight guys responding in a homophobic manner that they start assuming that a lack of homophobia is actually a sign of homosexuality. Which, as we know, is not the case.

 

Personally, I think it's flattering to be desired. I have no interest in women, for example, but am flattered and get a confidence boost if a woman says she finds me attractive. The same should be true in reverse, too--it's just that homophobia gets in the way from some people seeing it that way.

 

Cool, makes me feel better about his reaction.

 

Scott

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MikeS Newbie

MikeS

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I too have been in those situations. I would just say no and ask them to not bother me again. The last time, a friend of mine got in his face and said that I was not interested and was told to leave. If that was harsh or not, it would not be up to me but that is how my friend handled it.

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