Now what do I do?

[learning2relax]

Funny how you can look at other people's situation and see the answer so clearly...... Yet when you look at your own, you are paralyzed and have no idea what to do.....

 

That said - curious what the consensus would be?

 

My birthday was Monday. I didn't hear from him and figured he was just letting it pass without mention. I took the day off of work because I didn't want to be around him in case that was his approach. As the day wore on, anxiety and sadness set in that he was indeed letting it pass without mention.

 

I went to the office yesterday and there was a card on my chair. It simply had my name on the envelope and was simply signed with only his first name. In the past (and before we were in a relationship) he had given me goofy cards. This card was what I would deem as sincere but friendly. The basic message was that I was special and he is "blessed" to know me.

 

My first reaction was I have been "friendzoned" but then after thinking about it, I realized that it wasn't a goofy card and given that we are almost 6 months past the breakup, he A. Acknowledged by bday with a card and B. It was not a humorous one but more of a heartfelt nature.

 

I am not going to ask what do you think he meant by this because the sky could be the limit and quite honestly I am not reading too much into it. Just would rather accept it for what it is and keep moving forward with little room for hope so that I am not forever stuck.

 

However, my question is this......his bday is in two weeks. What do I do? Because we entered the relationship last year the week before his bday, I ended up being tossed together with a friend of his and helped to throw a pretty sizeable party for him that was a lot of effort on my part. This year it is a major milestone (50) and needless to say, I will not be participating in any festivities that his friends may have going on to celebrate.

 

What do I do? Ignore? I put my efforts in last year, let him look back and remember that (he was very pleased with the party we held for him last year and was thrilled that I was a part of it), send a card (reciprocate in kind)? Email? Text?

 

Things to consider - me = dumpee, I did not acknowledge his card, we are getting along fine at work, no talk or communication outside of work, our exchanges at work are getting friendlier. The reason I was given for being thrown to the sharks is - I love you but I am not in love with you. (don't you just LOVE when they say that crap?)

 

Thanks to everyone who reads and provides their opinion!!

[DN]

Firstly, it was impolite not to thank him for his card. You were upset that he appeared to ignore your birthday but then you ignored the fact that he sent a card.

 

Secondly, send him the same sort of card with the same sort of message for his birthday.

[learning2relax]

There just wasn't a way to do it yesterday. I had planned on mentioning it today if the opportunity presents itself.

[MikNomis]

If you've moved on, I'd say get him a card as well. Otherwise just say happy birthday and that's it. In both cases I don't think you should include yourself in any celebration for his birthday.

[learning2relax]

Curious MikeN - why the difference between the two?

[Adge]

Funny how you can look at other people's situation and see the answer so clearly...... Yet when you look at your own, you are paralyzed and have no idea what to do.....

 

Never a truer word spoken my friend!

[coolchick64]

This is a bit of a quandry! I'm not sure I agree you need to thank him for the card, unless the opportunity comes up at work. I don't usually thank people for cards. I do think you'll want to do something for his birthday, though, but what? Getting him a card is nice but, man, that's gonna be a tough card to find (!) Also, it's just like what he did, which is good but bad too . . . may come accross like you had to do it because he did it, esp. if you sign it the same way, but if you do anything more, it could seem weird. I'm probably overanalyzing . . . but I'd be more tempted to send a nice text or email with a warm greeting. Seems more original and unexpected. But look, anything you do will probably be well received and appreciated. I'm really really glad he remembered your birthday and I'm also glad you guys are on good terms at work. That's got to be challenging.

[jenna-is-here]

I love you but I am not in love with you. (don't you just LOVE when they say that crap?

 

 

OMG! I *DISPISE* that phrase. Either you love someone or you don't!

 

Anyway, VERY interesting scenario. I am so glad you posted it. And its great your birthday fell before his so whatever he did on your bd is not a reaction to what you would have done/or not done.

 

I completely understand the idea of not taking it for more than it is. I think that is a wise, healthy move. I find it really interesting he went out of his way to do this...

 

So my two questions (before I can answer) to you are ,

 

1. Knowing his personality, do you think it was more of a "peace offering" or do you think it was a, "let's crack this door just a bit to see what is still here" move?

 

2. Also, are you completely committed to moving on? I dont know the history but was he decent to you or is the relationship something you know that you shouldn't go back to?

 

Jenna

[rapunzel]

Wow, this is such an eerie parallel to my story. Like you (OP), I am the dumpee and work with my ex (but only part time as musicians, not 9-5).

 

Last year my ex turned 50, and HIS birthday is a month after mine. In 2007 and 2008 we spent our birthdays together. He broke up with me (second time) in Sept. 2008.

 

He sent me a text on my birthday last year and I waited about 6 hours and just sent him back a text saying "Thanks!" I remember thinking "wow, he has never texted me before!...this must mean something!" (he had just gotten a cellphone for the first time the year before...) Oh, and then he surprised me with a gift certificate for an hour long massage. I found that very confusing as it was an expensive and intimate gift and he had broken up with me almost 10 months earlier. I agonized over his motives...and it turned out it was really just a "guilt" gift and he had no desire to get back together with me.

 

Upon his 50th the following month I was very worried on how and if to acknowledge as I agree, this is a HUGE milestone birthday. I knew I would not be involved in his birthday plans, that was a definite. Luckily through a colleague's email announcing my ex's birthday I was able to just chime in and wish him a happy birthday! via email. That was IT.

 

I would not reciprocate with a card unless you are able to release any and all expectations of what might (or might not) ensue. If you can just send the card, and let go, and not worry about "was it the right card, did I say the wrong thing, does he want to get back together, will this push him away further" then do it. I'd just be afraid that my ex would take a card as too "intimate" so I was happy to have the opportunity to just respond to an email. I also did not want to have those kind of worries hanging over me.

 

If it were me, I would just thank him for the card in a brief, friendly, smiley upbeat manner if you run into him at work. OR if this is too much, just email him with a quick "thanks for the card!!"

 

Ugh, I know exactly how you feel. It's tough!!! Hang in there and best of luck.

[MikNomis]

Curious MikeN - why the difference between the two?

 

I just thought that if she still has feelings for him, then getting him a card might cause her to have hopeful expectations of something happening, which would delay her healing.

[Tired Tiger]

I say you put on some lingerie and jump out of one of those giant stripper cakes.

 

That, or maybe just a simple card would be okay.

[hypatia]

By all means, yes, thank him for the card. You don't need to do it in person, just fire off an email acknowledging you got it and saying you appreciate it. I would thank anyone who took the time to get me a card, so treat him as another co-worker who took the time to remember your birthday.

 

I would reciprocate and acknowledge his birthday as well. Either a card, e-card, quick email, or whatever feels right.

[learning2relax]

I'm really really glad he remembered your birthday and I'm also glad you guys are on good terms at work. That's got to be challenging.

 

Thank you CC! Me too!

[learning2relax]

 

So my two questions (before I can answer) to you are ,

 

1. Knowing his personality, do you think it was more of a "peace offering" or do you think it was a, "let's crack this door just a bit to see what is still here" move?

 

2. Also, are you completely committed to moving on? I dont know the history but was he decent to you or is the relationship something you know that you shouldn't go back to?

 

Jenna

 

Hi Jenna!

 

Thank you for responding. Answers to your questions as best I can:

 

1. I think possibly "let's crack the door....."

2a. I am committed to moving on because there is no guarantee of a future. Only truly letting go will allow me to possibly find that out later.

2b. It was decent. Circumstances at work I feel played a heavy hand in the fact that it fell apart. I am currently seeking work elsewhere (not because of him) so who knows......

[learning2relax]

Ugh, I know exactly how you feel. It's tough!!! Hang in there and best of luck.

 

Thanks Rapunzel! I will post back here when we get to that point to report back.

[learning2relax]

I say you put on some lingerie and jump out of one of those giant stripper cakes.

 

That, or maybe just a simple card would be okay.

 

NICE! TT - you are toooo much!

[learning2relax]

Thank you for the opinions. At this point I am considering possibly giving him a humorous card. I think it is appropriate for him to give something more sentimental and so I don't look like I am "reading more into it" or jumping all over it or just reciprocating mimicking his offer - I would offer a card of a humorous nature. Depends on what I can find. That way I keep it up beat, yet still acknowledge his bday. If I don't have a chance to thank him for the card, giving him one will recognize that he gave me one.

 

Don't know.....I have some time to think about it, look for a card and decide......

[rapunzel]

Agree, if you are going to give him any kind of card, it should definitely be funny, not sentimental or serious.

 

Yet again, the only problem I have with giving a card is that it is obvious you went out and spent time looking for a card for him, so it shows that you still care enough to spend the time to do this.

 

Giving him the card *might* give him a little ego boost and nothing else. Unless he steps up the contact and gives you more signs that he wants to consider reconciliation, I'm not sure I would go to the extent of giving him a card. I dunno.

 

I mean, my guy gave me a freakin' expensive gift for a one hour massage and then told me to my face a couple weeks later he was not suggesting romantic reconciliation but he did want to be "friends". And I did nothing to provoke the gift or this conversation.

 

It's up to you but if you do give him the card, please don't spend too much time hoping that it will make him laugh, see you a different light, and make him want you back. That's dangerous territory!