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Ladies, why would you not talk about you boyfriend?


falldownkid

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I’ve known this girl for about two years, but we’ve only really become friends over the past few months. Now, I developed a crush on her but it turns out she has a boyfriend. It sucks, but that’s the way it goes.

 

The thing is, she never talks about him. It took a bit of prodding to get her to admit she was seeing someone (this was a couple of months ago), and since then she’s mentioned him once. I don’t want her talking to me about him all the time, but I thought she would mention him in passing every now and then. For example, we were talking about music and she said I might like her iPod because there were some bands I liked on it, and ‘the same person responsible for that playlist had put them on her iPod’ (she’d given me a playlist of music to listen to earlier). I know she meant her boyfriend, so I think it’s weird she wouldn’t just say ‘my boyfriend’.

 

I can believe she’s just a private person, or may not be comfortable talking about her boyfriend, but lately it seems like she’s flirting with me. Nothing extreme, but when I tease her I’ll get a playful slap or she’ll poke me in the side and tell me to stop being mean. She’s finding more reasons to make physical contact, which is noticeable since I try to not flirt with her that way.

 

Yes, I am overanalyzing things. But the question I pose is simply this: why would she avoid talking about her boyfriend around me?

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I don't know if everyone will agree with me, but it really bothers me when I'm getting to know someone and they continue to rave on about their significant other. Your situation seems to be just the opposite. I'm in a relatively similar situation with a close guy friend that I recently learned has a girlfriend (who I am more than a little infatuated with!) and it really sucks. Part of me believes that he hasn't said anything for two reasons:

 

1. Jealously. I don't know about you, but I tend to have a jealous streak. I get the feeling my guy friend didn't mention his girlfriend because he knows how much things like that get to me.

 

2. Awkwardness - perhaps she is trying to keep you from feeling uncomfortable. Girls can be a lot more observant (or their friends) than some guys give them credit for, and if she knows that you like her, maybe she is trying to keep from offending you by avoiding expressly using the term or just keeping conversation away from that topic.

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i was in this situation once, a guy and i liked each other but we both had significant others. so we just pretended we were friends for over a year and never mentioned each other´s SO, ever. and when we finally both were single, we had a fierce one night stand then never really spoke since.

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Either that or she's opening a door up for you by indirectly showing her bf no relevance in daily life.

That's just my opinion of course ^_^

 

Her boyfriend does work out of town and is only back every other weekend. I am just definitely going to make sure I'm not her pseudo-boyfriend who takes care of her emotional needs until he's around again.

 

Damn, I was hoping everyone would say 'She's just doesn't like talking about her boyfriend'. Curse you, false hope

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Not all girls gab about their boyfriends first chance that they get. I am deeply in love with mine but I barely talk about him to other people for a variety of reasons. Some people are just more private than others and may not want to share such intimate details of their life.

 

I wouldn't push her any further. If she is interested in you or wants to be single, she will make the appropriate changes. It's really no one's business but her own.

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Yeah totally agree. I'm sure we all know someone who gabs about their S.O. ALL the time. It really is uncomfortable for others. Besides, when you get together with friends, wouldn't you rather talk about other things and do things together that you wouldn't do with your S.O.?

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I usually find three kinds of things will get my attention, when a girl can’t seem to shut up about her boyfriend or the fact that she has one or she never seems to talk much about him or she talks about him a lot but it’s usually all negative. Any of these will ping my radar as a sign she might be attracted or that something other than friendliness is on her mind. Some girls will start talking a lot about their boyfriend because they are really trying to make sure you know they have one. This could be a sign that she thinks you’re interested or she may even be attracted but is trying to avoid things going that way by heading you off at the pass so to speak. In other words she is trying to avoid having to reject you. She might never speak about her boyfriend and if she is flirting with you that’s a sign that she doesn’t take her relationship seriously and may be open to something with you. If she always talks negatively about him and is flirting with you then she almost definitely likes you and is probably encouraging you to make a move to rescue her from her bad relationship. A lot of people will only leave a relationship if they have another one to go to no matter how unhappy they might be in it. Being unhappy but hitched is better than being alone in some people’s mind.

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Ugh, if every other sentence begins with 'My (S.O.)', it is annoying. But for my original point, it's all moot anyways since I've been limiting my contact with her for the past couple of weeks and plan to continue that. I was just curious to what everyone's thoughts were.

 

Thanks!

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Ya, most people in long term relationships usually don't mention their s/o after awhile... but it' s weird when they won't say "oh my bf put it on my ipod for me"... it seems like actively avoiding mentioning someone, as oppose to just not bringing it up.

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  • 2 weeks later...

To be constantly rambling about their SO is one thing, but to not mention them at all really feels strange. It doesn't matter how private a person's life is, I just get the feeling there is something more to it by hiding it.

 

Not mentioning their SO so that I don't get my feelings hurt? Haha, it's the other way around...I would prefer to know very early in my courtship attempts. And I know that some girls do it as an ego-stroke, ugh, terrible.

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Yeah I do occassionally say "my boyfriend" in conversation, but nothing beyond that.

 

I think it's important to let someone know that you're attached if it seems that you could take it further with the other person.

 

Sorry, just wanted to clear that up. I will say "my boyfriend" but I never go into detail about him, his job, how old he is, or the things we do together.

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I am guilty of this. I have been hanging out with a guy friend of mine (we were never close until recently) and as much as I try I haven't been able to bring up my boyfriend. I am generally a private person and except for a couple of my friends I don't tell people about my boyfriend. I have always been private like this (and there are many reasons).

 

It just feels awkward. I am so confused on how to tell him and I really hope he doesn't think of me romantically!

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Phew, so I'm not the only one who thinks it's weird

 

It just feels awkward. I am so confused on how to tell him and I really hope he doesn't think of me romantically!

 

Believe me, if he does like you, NOT telling him will make it worse because he's investing emotional energy into you. You will be doing him a favor by letting him know you have a boyfriend.

 

As for how to tell him, just slide it into conversation. If he asks you what you're up to this weekend, tell him you have plans with your boyfriend. Or if you're talking about music, tell him your boyfriend introduced you to this new band. Situations like that always pop up. Just don't go on and on about him!

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