I contacted this guy first - now he expects me to be the one to call!

[desert_rose26]

So yeah...I'm on this online dating site...and I messaged this guy FIRST. I kept it very low key and simple. And I've reflected the same behaviour back to him. The messages were 3-4 sentences...very short for my taste. But he initiated meeting up. So I wrote back that I would like to and that weekdays are good for me and "lemme know when you're available".

 

He writes back and gives me his number and below writes that he looks forward to hearing from me! -- what the heck? he's the one that asked me first...and now I have to be the one to call him??? The dynamics is sorta weird...I guess I was the one who pursued him first but HE's the one who suggested meeting up...and now he expects me to pick up the phone and call.

 

What do ya guys think about this one? (the guy only has 1 pic..ugh) but I AM still interested. But why do you guys think he expects me to call..why would he do that? Because he doesn't care if I call or not?? that would be bad.

[Clarity]

If you want him to call, I would send him your number and ask him to do so. It's that simple.

[desert_rose26]

Well, I will call him. I was just thrown off track a bit because since he didn't ask for my number and instead gave me his I feel like he doesn't really care...he sort of reversed the dynamics..since he asked, he should have just suggested when to meet up.

 

So I'm asking the guys...what would make a man do this? I'm just a bit turned off by this action..I messaged him first and now I have to call him first too...as if messaging him first wasn't enough.

 

Girls..should I call?

[blueeyedme]

I think he was doing you a favor and putting the control into your hands so you didn't give your number out to a total stranger and be worried about him bugging you if you really were not interested. I don't think its a lack of caring at all, but a sign of respect.

[IvantheAvg]

So I'm asking the guys...what would make a man do this?

Girls..should I call?

 

I think its a way of protecting against direct rejection. I wouldn't call. If a guy can't ask you for his number he is probably WEAK.

[Keyman]

what is honestly wrong with a girl calling first? I don't think it a weak thing for a guy to ask. You can always tell him you prefer him to ring you and give him your number in return?

 

If you are living by the good old fashioned dating principle of girl just looks pretty, boy chases, makes first move, buys dinner, then aren't you just playing by the good old dating rules and thus buying into the game?

 

If you like him, what's wrong with you making some moves?

[BriarRose]

Why does that surprise you? Yes, you have now 'set the stage' as the pursuer. This is now the dynamic between you two. You can change it by not calling. If he is interested, he will contact you and ask about the meet-up. He knows your interested, so don't even question that.

[enchanted771]

I dont think there is anything wrong with the girl making the first move IMO. Guys are always expected to be the first one to call, and I dont think it has to be that way. After that, I think it should be equal give and take though. But for the first contact, I dont see anything wrong with taking the initiative

[Taikero]

It doesn't matter why he gave you his number, rather what matters is whether or not you want something to happen. If you do, call. If not, don't. Don't play armchair psychiatrist or try to read so much into things, that's just self-defeating. Just do it if you want to.

[ladyjane83]

Ugh does it really matter who calls who first and who messgaes who first!?! I hate all these "rules". If you like someone then contact them, its shouldnt be this hard.

[guynextdoor]

Seriously there isn't anything wrong with you calling him first. Maybe he gave you his number so whenever its convenient for you to give him a ring. Talking to him will help you determine if he's a diamond or a douche.

[savignon]

Think about what you would think if a GUY posted this...

"I saw this cute girl online and contacted her. We get along well so far but now she expect me to call her. WTH?"

Kinda funny, right?

[desert_rose26]

maybe I should just ignore the fact that he wants me to call and just send a message asking when he wants to meet up...sorta like playing hard to get but then not really.

[Belle]

I think the first answer you received was the best. If you want him to call, email him your number.

 

No matter how much women progress in the work force, you will never change the predominant male/female dynamics in the mating game. Men who do not pursue, tend to not become terribly vested in a relationship and imo make lousey partners. If you want to change thousands of years of instinctive behavior, try it. But I think you'll find, like the vast majority of women, that it simply does not work.

[Go Habs Go]

I think the first answer you received was the best. If you want him to call, email him your number.

 

No matter how much women progress in the work force, you will never change the predominant male/female dynamics in the mating game. Men who do not pursue, tend to not become terribly vested in a relationship and imo make lousey partners. If you want to change thousands of years of instinctive behavior, try it. But I think you'll find, like the vast majority of women, that it simply does not work.

 

 

Total rubbish. I guess women make lousy partners as they usually don't pursue, going by your logic.

[BriarRose]

I think the first answer you received was the best. If you want him to call, email him your number.

 

No matter how much women progress in the work force, you will never change the predominant male/female dynamics in the mating game. Men who do not pursue, tend to not become terribly vested in a relationship and imo make lousey partners. If you want to change thousands of years of instinctive behavior, try it. But I think you'll find, like the vast majority of women, that it simply does not work.

This is one of the best posts ever - I agree 100%.

[desert_rose26]

Thanks for the comments guys..I've read everyone's post and considered what you are saying....

 

It I gave him my number instead...it will seem like I don't want to call him. Maybe he is testing me to see if I like him or not. When I think back...I took longer and longer to write a message back to him..so maybe that's the basic reason why he thought to just put the ball in my park coz he maybe senses some sort of uncertainty on my part..and he doesn't have the balls.

 

UGHHHH...darn this stupid game. OK, I will call him this sunday. If I call him, it doesn't mean that I am "pursuing him" it just means that I am setting up the date and time of our meeting.

 

Since some of you mentioned that if he isn't pursuing me now..he's not really interested - - I will wait until he thinks I won't be calling..and then call him...sometimes I have to remind myself to play hard to get..so maybe I'll call him monday evening. haha. thaat's right..

[ladyjane83]

Its only you making it into a game. He gave you his number so that you could call him, so now you call him. By planning how mnay exact days to leave him waiting so that he wants you more etc is you turning it into a game. not him.

[galaxy71]

I think the first answer you received was the best. If you want him to call, email him your number.

 

No matter how much women progress in the work force, you will never change the predominant male/female dynamics in the mating game. Men who do not pursue, tend to not become terribly vested in a relationship and imo make lousey partners. If you want to change thousands of years of instinctive behavior, try it. But I think you'll find, like the vast majority of women, that it simply does not work.

 

You do know that you are using the same logic that was used to bar women from certain professions like law enforcement and politics. Why should women be allowed to fulfill roles of leadership if their nature is to be nurturing and submissive? I find your post callous since a lot of guys in this forum are on the shy, introverted side. You are belittling their problems like it is the result of some genetic mutation. Many of them got into relationships because the women pursued them. Not all men act and think alike. Some guys are extroverted. Other guys are introverted. Some guys are religious and traditional. Other guys want nothing to do with tradition. On the flip side, some women are shy and demure. Other women are aggressive. Some women are religious and traditional. Other women are not.

 

Your post implies that men have the same masculine personality, while women have the same feminine personality. I don't understand why traditional women like you can't just date traditional guys. I also think that modern men should date modern women.

 

I wonder what type of reception a guy would get if he talked about how it is part of the female instinct for women to quit her job in order to be at home cooking and cleaning.

[Taikero]

UGHHHH...darn this stupid game. OK, I will call him this sunday. If I call him, it doesn't mean that I am "pursuing him" it just means that I am setting up the date and time of our meeting.

 

Since some of you mentioned that if he isn't pursuing me now..he's not really interested - - I will wait until he thinks I won't be calling..and then call him...sometimes I have to remind myself to play hard to get..so maybe I'll call him monday evening. haha. thaat's right..

 

Since you're just setting up the date and time of your meeting, call him now so he can be sure he has time in his schedule to see you. The earlier notice, the better. Stop playing games on yourself here and just make it happen with this guy. Once you call, he'll have your number and maybe then you'll get some pursuing out of him. Either way, it matters not. You've kept him waiting for three days already, and there's no need to continue letting him wait for no reason other than your paranoia.

[Iakasot]

I wouldn't have been able to say this better myself. Men saying those sorts of things are ridiculed.

 

fyi for the poster that said men who want to be chased make lowsy partners: The relationships where I developed the strongest feelings for the girl were ones where I was chased after harder.

 

To the Topic Starter: Why is it okay for you to want to be chased, but not for him? He obviously wants to get to know you, otherwise he wouldn't ask to meet up. Call him. If you feel "well, I only want a guy who would chase me", isn't that an attitude of entitlement?

[BriarRose]

I wouldn't have been able to say this better myself. Men saying those sorts of things are ridiculed.

 

fyi for the poster that said men who want to be chased make lowsy partners: The relationships where I developed the strongest feelings for the girl were ones where I was chased after harder.

 

To the Topic Starter: Why is it okay for you to want to be chased, but not for him? He obviously wants to get to know you, otherwise he wouldn't ask to meet up. Call him. If you feel "well, I only want a guy who would chase me", isn't that an attitude of entitlement?

When we do this, men call us "needy" or "clingy" (yes, even just a phone call is enough to be deemed "clingy" in some men's eyes).... and end up pursuing women who aren't giving them the time of day. I've seen it with my own eyes, I tell, ya, lol!

[Iakasot]

When we do this, men call us "needy" or "clingy" (yes, even just a phone call is enough to be deemed "clingy" in some men's eyes).... and end up pursuing women who aren't giving them the time of day. I've seen it with my own eyes, I tell, ya, lol!

 

Everyone has a different threshold for what they deem clingy. Her calling everyday would be clingy, at this state of the relationship. That's what I, ME personally would consider clingy. I'm willing to bet that the average threshold isn't as unreasonable as you're making it out to be. How high do you think the odds are that the OP will be facing a man whose threshold is only 2 calls a week? Not very high. A lot of guys LIKE clinginess even, because men like to be needed, so they can feel important.

[desert_rose26]

Oooo...you guys are making it hard! hehe..I like the different viewpoints here! aiyiyi...well, I'll still call him sunday night...I feel that is when I should call so therefore that is when I will do it wish me luck!!! and I will update you guys..

 

I agree that I am making it into a game but I also agree that if I don't, I will seem clingy..I guess it's a matter of balance!! that is the key..balance.

[BriarRose]

Everyone has a different threshold for what they deem clingy. Her calling everyday would be clingy, at this state of the relationship. That's what I, ME personally would consider clingy. I'm willing to bet that the average threshold isn't as unreasonable as you're making it out to be. How high do you think the odds are that the OP will be facing a man whose threshold is only 2 calls a week? Not very high. A lot of guys LIKE clinginess even, because men like to be needed, so they can feel important.

I guess that just hasn't been my experience. Obviously, I am sure you are being honest with what you are saying. The reason I don't call or "chase" men (even at my age) is because I learned a long time ago that it seems to send them running in the opposite direction. I would love to meet someone that I don't feel like I have to "hide" my feelings with. But that hasn't happened yet.

 

Well, I hope whatever OP decides, that things work out