My bf says I am not allowed to communicate w/ men.

[Cal Lily]

Help. I am so stuck in this dysfunctional relationship I cannot get out. My last relationship of 7 years was so bad, that everyone told me to get out ; and now those people either have disappeared, or they hang out with my old bf.

 

My current bf said, "I do not want you to ever speak to any males." I used to have thousands of friends. Now, my flakey female friends who say to stay away from him are NEVER around. I haven't gone out or spoken to a man or had any enjoyment in life without my bf for 1 1/2 years. I used to play music in bands and go to concerts. No more. None. I work, charge my credit cards for him, and give him my money. If this keeps up, I will not have a job and become homeless.......please help.

 

Meanwhile, my overweight, lazy, boyfriend who makes me pay for EVERYTHING is watching sports in a sports bar in a neighborhood that I am not allowed to go to, or I will get beat up. I hate it here. I'd rather die....

[Sparkly Eyes]

Why are you with him exactly?! You make no sense. Are you afraid to be alone? don't you think being alone is 100 times better that being with him?

[Lucius]

Perhaps your friends stopped hanging around after they felt like you wouldn't help yourself by getting away from this guy. It can be hard being friends with someone who is very upset, but who doesn't listen and who won't work to make their situation better. Whether or not this applies to you is something you will know better than me.

 

You don't need friends or family to help you make your choices for you. Speak and act for yourself. This guy is bad news with a capital B. Getting out of this situation, under your own steam, should be priority number 1.

[OptomisticGirl]

Um yeah, no way is any man telling me I can't talk to someone. Ever.

 

You def. need to prioritize and leave him. For your own sanity at least!

[Cal Lily]

"worriedgirl: Why are you with him exactly?! You make no sense. Are you afraid to be alone? don't you think being alone is 100 times better that being with him?"

 

No, that is why I'd rather live, and not kill myself. Because I want to live on this planet with other people.

 

You remind me of my bf when he says 'why do you need to go out and talk to people. Why can't you just sit home alone.'

 

I am trying to change for the better, not worse.

[Sparkly Eyes]

"worriedgirl: Why are you with him exactly?! You make no sense. Are you afraid to be alone? don't you think being alone is 100 times better that being with him?"

 

No, that is why I'd rather live, and not kill myself. Because I want to live on this planet with other people.

 

You remind me of my bf when he says 'why do you need to go out and talk to people. Why can't you just sit home alone.'

 

I am trying to change for the better, not worse.

 

I think you misunderstood me. I meant that you have to leave this guy...It's better to be single than to be with someone like him.

[Lamour detruit]

And you are with this guy, because ?

 

Every single thing you've mentioned about this guy is negative. The fact alone that he said you are not allowed to speak to other males is more than reason enough to leave. If someone ever tells you such a thing, don't be with them..no exceptions. I have no doubt your friends all like you, but are saddened by the fact that you keep this fellow around. They have tried to help you, but it is hard to do so when the person in the relationship is not willing to leave yet. Leave your abusive, overweight, lazy boyfriend..and establish your life again. Get back in touch with your friends..prioritize your life..and find yourself a boyfriend who will treat you right.

[Cal Lily]

"Perhaps your friends stopped hanging around after they felt like you wouldn't help yourself by getting away from this guy"

 

I DID get away from the first guy they suggested I get away from, according to THIER wishes. Now they continue to hang out where both my X and current bf hangs out.

 

My friends and family have disowned me for not taking their dysfunctional, alcoholic advice ~ BECAUSE it changes as their contradictory lives change. I took their advice the FIRST time, and now they hang out with BOTH bf's. I call it 2-faced. Yet you think I should care/not care what those people think? You are confusing me.

[Cal Lily]

I will get beat up by my X-bf and the neighborhood if I do or don't stay with my current bf. When I separate from my current bf (usually weeks at a time), the abuse is the worst. Right now, I am trying to figure out how to communicate with the outside world without getting my ass kicked again.

 

When I follow your advice to 'simply' distance myself from them, that is when the abuse begins...

 

I wish I could be so smug as to say that I wouldn't allow any man to do that to me. Must be nice.

[Lamour detruit]

Ah, If they hang out with your ex whom they say was not relationship material for you, yes..that is two faced and they should not hang out with those they say are not good people. However right now you are not in a healthy relationship either, and it seems you are not happy at all. Getting away from your current boyfriend seems the best step to take right now..followed by you finding who your good friends truly are..and only allowing those in your life that do treat you as well as you deserve.

 

Edit: seems your situation is more complicated than it was made out to be in the first post. So you are saying that if you stay with guy, you are screwed..and if you leave him, you are screwed as well ?

[Cal Lily]

Lamour detruit "So you are saying that if you stay with guy, you are screwed..and if you leave him, you are screwed as well ?"

 

Bingo.

[Cal Lily]

Why is it that when my acquaintances ask for my relationship advice, they take it, use it, it works, and they live happily ever after. Yet when I have relationship problems, they say "leave him. run." Some of them end up dating the guys they tell me to run from.

 

I just think there is more to the "fight or flee" animal instinct reaction in life.

 

For some crazy-minded reason, I prefer communication.

[Blue Skittles]

From what I am reading here - you need to take control of your own life, and stop living by what your friends/family/bf want you to do.

This is YOUR life - not anyone elses. If your friends don't like the decisions you make, find new friends. If your bf is trying to control you and your friendships - ditch him too.

 

Take a look at the big picture here: You spend some time weeding out the people that are weighing you down. You start living your own life independently - entertaining your own passions and interests. You accept people into your life that are POSITIVE and love you for who you are. In the end, you will be 100x happier.

[ponyboy]

How old are you and how old is your bf, and ex?

And if you make enough money where you could afford your own rent moving out + calling the police is what you should do im my opinion.

 

And i dont know your parents but im sure they would not be cool with their daughter being in a abusive relationship and would support you in some way.

[Cal Lily]

My abusive father died in the 90's. I take care of my abusive mother. My parents used to get sick pleasure out of my brother beating me while I was growing up.

 

I barely have enough money to support myself and my dog. Chase Bank has made it IMPOSSIBLE for me to move anywhere (however, I am in the process of switching banks). I would like to finish college first, otherwise I will owe the govt back fees.

 

My 2 X-boyfriends and I are around 40 years old.

 

Oh, and the last time I called the police, it cost me about $3,000.00+ dollars that I still have yet to pay...meanwhile, the police are trying to revoke my drivers license due to my brain tumor, which will cause me to lose my driving job and become homeless.

 

Sorry I am in such despair. I appreciate all of your guys' comments....just tryin to figure this all out.

 

Blue Skittles "From what I am reading here - you need to take control of your own life, and stop living by what your friends/family/bf want you to do. "

 

This is why my first bf dumped me. My current X/bf is the result.

[DreamerGirl27]

My dad told my mom he didn't want her to have any male friends. He supports her and doesn't sit around the house, though. Doesn't seem all that unusual.

[Cal Lily]

I don't live with my bf. He lovingly supports me, adores me, cherishes every moment with me, gives me flowers & back massages, listens to me, actually WANTS to be with me. He is the only man that I have met who isn't afraid to say he loves me, and he would marry me immediately. However, he doesn't work, doesn't spend any money on me, and we have no where to be alone together.

 

Yet everyone besides DreamerGirl27 considers it abusive behavior that he doesn't want me to be with any other people. I think the abuse begins when I try to leave, which is the ONLY advice I have received: to leave. No wonder he doesn't want me around anyone else. No one seems to have any advice besides "fight or flee". Its a Catch-22. I am told I need to get some balls, not listen to anyone, do what I want, and stand up and fight, yet when I do these things the same people complain afterward.

 

Now I am more confused than ever...

[Lucius]

My dad told my mom he didn't want her to have any male friends. He supports her and doesn't sit around the house, though. Doesn't seem all that unusual.

 

As bad as it is to tell one's partner who they can and cannot be friends with, it's still not as extreme as controlling who they even speak with. That's really upping the insecure/controlling ante.

[Cal Lily]

Can't something fall out of the sky, hit him on the head, and make him secure enough not to put me through this?

[puzzles]

I am a little confused by all the responses, so forgive me if I am off topic.

 

What type of abuse are you referring to if you leave your bf? Please go to a women's shelter if you don't feel safe with him. I know it doesn't seem like the most attractive option, but it might be the safest for you. There at the shelter the staff can help you get new housing, counseling, and other resources. (Also, a "shelter" is usually a house, which is a more comfortable place to be.)

 

You deserve to be treated well and not controlled. In my opinion, your bf telling you not to have any male friends in very controlling, and very unrealistic in a world filled with men and women.

[Hermes]

My abusive father died in the 90's. I take care of my abusive mother. My parents used to get sick pleasure out of my brother beating me while I was growing up.

 

This is at the heart of the matter, Cal Lily.

Maybe you feel you don't deserve anything better than treatment of that kind.

 

I think people here are giving you good advice, all round.

 

You deserve to be treated well, and, to speak to anyone you like. No one has the right to "control" another person.

 

It looks like you had no "voice" when you were growing up, and maybe you might like to look at this:

 

link removed

 

H

[Cal Lily]

Thanks Hermes....yes, I think you are on to something with the "voicelessness". According to my psychologist, most of my relationship problems are stemming from childhood abuse.

 

However, reading the above posts a few weeks later gives me HUGE insight. Especially when I wrote, "I just think there is more to the "fight or flee" animal instinct reaction in life." I was onto something when I thought that.

 

I found out that the frontal part of my brain was damaged due to extreme abuse throughout my entire life. Since the frontal lobe of my brain (which controls learning & long term memory) was bombarded with stress, the rest of my brain (which controls the "fight or flee" and short-term memory) had permanently taken over. In short, I have been experiencing a constant, extreme trauma most of my life.

 

Diagnosis: Pituitary tumor ~ now self healed. (A miracle, dr said)

Adrenal gland shut down ~ now healing due to treatment (colosol push).

Super low thyroid levels ~ in the process of healing with Thyroxine.

 

Healing so far: Heat/Cold regulation, relaxation, less stress, less stress overload including banging the hell out of my skull when abused, ability to plan escape & refrain from abuse, easier reading and college studies, art completion, functional fight/flee only when necessary (instead of confusing constant state), and ability to experience comfort, happiness, rest, optimism, calm and hope, etc. Now able to exercise & lose the weight I gained.

 

All in all, I thank God & you guys for my perfect healing. Insala.