going down, down and my confidence is too

[misssmithviii]

Ok... so my man in the beginning always said he "loved going down" - however never really did that much so it made me terribly insecure, because it made me feel like there must be something wrong with me.

 

The other day he surprisingly initiated and went down on me in the shower (of course because he doesn't like to do it unless we're either in the shower or just out of... regardless of how I wash myself after every bathroom visit just in case) and I must say it was the most amazing orgasm I've ever had. The few times he has gone down on me, I'm in heaven - I can orgasm just fine while we're having intercourse, but it doesn't feel as good in the sense that when he goes down, I just relax and it happens regardless of whether I'm tensing up, 'holding the feeling' or 'making myself orgasm' if you know what I mean.

 

He's incredible at it - and I know it's because his ex couldn't orgasm by penetration so he had to go down or finger her in order to get her off - nothing else pleased her, so for the course of their relationship he always did it. Anyways, when I told him how amazing that was and how much it pleased me - he was happy; but I still wasn't.

 

This entire time I've been under the impression that he "loved it" but when we talked about it more he admitted he "doesn't love it, but doesn't hate it."

 

But still, I feel like there must be something wrong with me... he did it so much for his ex, but scarcely for me.

Is that because she NEEDED it in order to obtain pleasure and since I can get off during intercourse - it's almost like there's no point??? regardless of how much I enjoy it?

Or is there something wrong with me that he's just not telling me?

 

This kills my confidence because I don't know what to believe. Am I to think he tortured himself with his ex in order to please her, all the time and so often? Or am I to believe that he actually does love to do it, just not to me because there's something wrong with me? Either way I feel like it's lose-lose.

 

Regardless of the feelings, should I even talk about this with my man again? I don't want to nag him, but I don't know what to make of this. I just need some clarity, some reason for this to accept.

[misssmithviii]

And yes, this stress is surprisingly having negative effects on my... want to have sex. I still want to, but I'm too stressed out.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I HIGHLY doubt there is anything wrong with you. He did it for the ex all the time because HE HAD TO. Now he feels like he doesn't have to and it's not his favorite act to do..so he doesn't do it as often.

[blueeyedme]

I suspect if you let him know how much you like it - and you reciprocate, you will get what you want. I would do about anything to please my gf.

[RedDress]

He's probably just in "going down" overload. I highly doubt there's anything wrong with you. If he's only into doing it in the shower/right when you get out, he doesn't "love" it. He just doesn't hate it.

 

I agree with the other poster who said to let him know how much you love it. Does he realize you are being affected like this?

[Cal Lily]

What is more important to you? That he loves you? Or how much he enjoys going down on you? It seems to me that the ladder is more important to you. WHich is more important to him? and why/what would you want him to change?

[misssmithviii]

I am close to obsessed with going down on him, and yes I have told him how much I love it - he makes a point to try and remember but it gets to me when I think that perhaps he's not just casually 'forgetting' or not 'loving it' but he's actually off-put by me somehow...

 

It's more important to me that he loves me, of course - this isn't breakup material here ^_^ it's just me really wanting to know other's opinions on the matter and if he loved doing it in the past and just doesn't with me because there's something wrong with me in particular or like worriedgirl said, if he just HAD TO to his ex and since it's not as necessary with me, it's done less.

 

Should I even bother telling him that it does please me almost more? Or even tell him that his less-than-interested demeanor when it comes to going down on me actually lowers my sexual urges? I'm a very, very sexual woman and I am always ready (hence why I wash myself in the bathroom multiple times a day) to have sex with him - so it surprised me when this morning we were going to go at it and I just felt like I wasn't all that into it for the first time in a LONG time that we've been together - ALL BECAUSE of the other day and how amazing he was at going down yet doesn't initiate it often enough. I was shocked at myself and although the sex was still wonderful, all I kept feeling was how badly I wanted him to initiate going down on me as well and if there's a reason why it's sooo rare when he does.

 

I don't want to change him, I'm not in the business of spending futile energy in trying to create drama to change who he is - nothing like that. I guess for me I just figure if he truly enjoyed it and knows how much I LOVE it because he's so talented - he'd do it more often... because that's my train of thought when I go down on him at least once a day - I love pleasing him.

[Cal Lily]

You are such a beautiful girl, he would be crazy if he didn't love it. Remember, guys don't show love the same way as women do; so even if he does LOVE IT, he probably won't tell you, or be as open about it as we are.

 

On the other hand, I allowed my X to break up with me because he didn't want to have sex with me at all anymore. And my new man never wants to stop.

 

Actually, There was actually a real good episode of the early Sopranos regarding this subject. What happened was that the girlfriend of the head mobster was bragging at the beauty parlor about how good he went down on her. I think he ended up killing her later for telling her friends.

[misssmithviii]

to Cal Lily - for some reason it's nice to hear from someone in my area ;]

 

Anyway, thank you firstly - and second, should I tell him how this is affecting me or will that put unnecessary pressure on him? I very well can live with him doing it every blue moon (ugh) if he were average, but he's the only one who has ever been able to please me by going down! Out of all the girls I've been with, none have ever made me orgasm - and he's able to... so you can imagine it's like having chocolate for the first time, I want more but don't know if it'll do more damage than good to talk to him about it...

[Cal Lily]

I think it will put pressure on him. Maybe you just have a really good connection with him; you really love and lust each other. If so, I wouldn't want to see you accidently ruin the good chemistry you have together by pressing the issue. On the other hand, once in a blue moon is not enough either. Maybe he needs OTHER praise about him as well, so he thinks that you don't only like him for what happens in bed.

 

My X used to go down on me all the time the first 2 years of our relationship. The third through seventh years of our living together, he completely stopped oral sex, and eventually would only have sex with me once every 2 months. After he dumped me, he moved into the back of a biker club where a bunch of biker chicks hung out. Ew.

 

Oh, and I just noticed you lived by me. I hung out at Topanga Beach last weekend, with some Topanga rats. So fun....

[misssmithviii]

I want to at least let him know how I'm feeling - I'll do my best to make sure it doesn't pressure him by not saying stuff like "oh you HAVE to" and "I'm not aroused anymore unless you do" - I'll just voice how I've been feeling.

 

I kick it all night, every night in Malibu ^_^ I love living here.

[misssmithviii]

I give him plenty of praise, it's just how I am - he knows he's the sexiest, most honest and rare man I will ever know and he knows I'm always impressed by him. Just the other day he pulled out his saxophone and played perfectly (I play the piano so I've got quite the ear) after over 4 years of never playing.

 

I think when we leave tonight (which we will in a minute) I'll lightly bring it up, maybe put his head between my legs and see what he does hehe

[d24]

simply put... if you want it more, ask for it more.... why all the drama?

[misssmithviii]

simply put... if you want it more, ask for it more.... why all the drama?

 

There is no drama, this is me calm and curious looking for others' opinions and insight on something I've been bothered by.

[KG]

Talk to him, let him know your feelings. That's the only way he'll know.

[preciousgirl82]

Did you initiate 69 like i suggested before? The fact that he went down on you in the shower is a good start though. I wonder what sparked it for him because if he doesnt like doing it, what made him do it then? When the moment is right ask him point blank what he likes and doesnt like about going down on a woman. At this point its obvious that he has some concerns about cleanliness. You should be close enough at this point where you can talk openly. Youve gotta get to the bottom of this and find out if this is something that can be changed or accept the fact that maybe he's really just not into performing oral. In the end, u cant change him but so much.

[Cal Lily]

Hi misssmithviii. Just checking in with you, hoping all is well. I wanted to suggest a really yummy powder called Karma Sutra Powder. It is an edible dust-on body powder that tastes REAL scrumptious. It has been around for a long time, and I think you can purchase it at specialty intimate gift stores. Good luck, and have fun at the beach this summer.

 

[OpentoLife]

Okay I'm late to the party here and this thread is a month old but I would like to add my thoughts...

 

If my girlfriend wanted something in bed, I would hope she would say something. I mean, you should be able to have an honest, intimate discussion with the person you're in love with. If there was something he wanted you to do more of, wouldn't you want him to tell you? Of course, I understand it's a touchy subject and it "could" be taken the wrong way by him. But if you brought it up in a non-confrontational way, then maybe you two can figure out what the problem is. Now I know you guys probably already discussed it, being that this thread is a month old, but I just saw it and wanted to throw my 2 cents into it. I hope everything went well.

 

Oh by the way, I'm in Anaheim... good to see some So Cal people here.