childhood issues creating conflict...

[angelina999]

Hi. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. We are both in our 30s. I have kids from a previous marriage, he does not.

 

The issue is: When I give things to my kids, or show interest in their interests, my boyfriend is resentful/jealous. He says it is because as a child he got NOTHING. He had no father in his life and he and his mom were very, very poor. He has emotional scars from how his mom treated him as a child.

 

A lot of the times, I get the feeling that he expects ME to make up for all of this. One of the issues is that I make more $$ than he does, so he thinks I should buy all this stuff for him (everything from DVDs to an expensive digital camera). He says he'd buy it if he had the money, but since he doesn't, I should buy it for him. And when I don't, he gets mad because he thinks I am not sharing what I have with him. He says I am "lucky" to be making a good salary. I think I worked hard to get where I am. But when I say this, he takes it as an insult.

 

I think that he needs to take responsibility for his own happiness and not expect me to make everything (even his childhood) all better. Sometimes I suggest he go back to college and finish getting his degree so he can get a better job, but that just makes him more angry. He has tons of excuses for not finishing college.

 

I need to be able to give my kids the childhood I want them to have without my boyfriend getting all pushed out of shape. It is very hard for me to balance everyone's needs/feelings. Any insight would be appreciated!!

[Mauxly]

I don't think you will like my insight. They way you've described his behavior he is selfish, angry, childish and lazy. He is taking advantage of you. I'd say that his behavior borders on abusive.

 

What do you like about him?

[DN]

I think he is using a whole lot of nonsense to take advantage of you financially and you should not fall for it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think you will like my insight. They way you've described his behavior he is selfish, angry, childish and lazy. He is taking advantage of you. I'd say that his behavior borders on abusive.

 

What do you like about him?

 

I agree. It sounds like he wants to be at the same level as your children...getting attention and having things bought for him.

[angelina999]

I like him because he is very different from me and from anyone I have been with. I am invested in this relationship, emotionally and financially. I enjoy being with him. He has a good sense of humor. IDK... the usual stuff I guess. And my kids like him. The future could be amazing, or it could be a complete disaster. I don't see a middle ground.

 

He says he is trying and working on his issues. We discuss his childhood and his painful memories. He knows that he gets sad/emotional when certain things trigger his memories. I would feel like a complete jerk if I were to say, sorry, you are not working hard enough. I can't be here for you anymore.

[Day_Walker]

I think that you can be committed to the relationship all you want but that isnt what is causing the conflict. Instead what is causing the conflict is he believes that you need to be the mother that he didnt have. I would also say that talking about his childhood issues with you is very different from actually getting help for them. It seems to me that he needs some perspective on his actions and what is causing them.

[Unity]

He sounds like a selfish trainwreck.

 

You said there were two options for how this would go: I'm guessing crash and burn if you don't get out of this.

[Hermes]

Angelina:

 

We discuss his childhood and his painful memories

 

You are not his therapist, and it is not your job to "fix" hm because of childood trauma.

IMO it is rough that he had the type of childhood you describe, and he really does need to talk to an objective outsider about all this. It will be healthier for him and for you.

Meantime, you might urge him to look at this:

 

link removed

 

H

[catfeeder]

What, exactly, does this guy bring to the table that's so fabulous?

 

Why do you put up with him?

[angelina999]

Angelina:

 

 

 

You are not his therapist, and it is not your job to "fix" hm because of childood trauma.

IMO it is rough that he had the type of childhood you describe, and he really does need to talk to an objective outsider about all this. It will be healthier for him and for you.

Meantime, you might urge him to look at this:

 

link removed

 

H

 

Thank you!!

[ritstart]

He says I am "lucky" to be making a good salary. I think I worked hard to get where I am. But when I say this, he takes it as an insult.

 

Since he depends on you in some ways (that's how I understood it), he should be the one who's lucky that you're making such a good salary, because he does depend on you. He should be grateful and humble.

 

I can tell you about two personal experiences:

 

1. -- the childhood trauma. I have a lot of issues myself and they're hard to work through, hard to live with but my partner isn't the person who needs to "fix" them -- point A is, he cannot fix it because if anyone can solve personal problems it's the person concerned by these problems, namely you yourself, and point B, it's not right he should do this. This isn't what your relationship is for. What I want to say is: you are right, you are not responsible for how he deals with it, etc. You can only try to help him, to be supportive and to show him you believe in him.

 

2. -- Children being neglected because of a boyfriend. I was such a child. I was nothing to my mother, her life consisted of her boyfriend and it was terrible. Please, I might be selfish here, and you don't sound like you do it, but do not neglect your children. I hope you don't take offence as I don't mean it like that, and I am sorry if I am being intrusive.

 

I cannot estimate on whether he loves you or not but if he does love you and you love him, you should try to seek help together if he cannot do it on his own. Working through the thing itself, he has to do himself. But it's also up to whether he wants to work through it at all, if he's ready for it, if he even sees there's a problem, etc.

 

 

I hope things work out for you.

[angelina999]

 

 

 

2. -- Children being neglected because of a boyfriend. I was such a child. I was nothing to my mother, her life consisted of her boyfriend and it was terrible. Please, I might be selfish here, and you don't sound like you do it, but do not neglect your children. I hope you don't take offence as I don't mean it like that, and I am sorry if I am being intrusive.

 

Thank you. And I don't neglect my kids. If anything, I spoil them a little because I over-compensate due to my feelings of guilt regarding my divorce and how that affected them. This is one of the reasons my bf gets sore about it. Like you, his mother focused only on men. She had 4 husbands after he was born. And when he was in HS, she moved to another state to be with her new man... leaving him alone with one month's worth of rent money. He didn't speak to her for about 5 years after that.

 

My bf often tells me what a great mom I am. It's just the residual disappointment he feels regarding HIS childhood that gets in the way.

[dontlook]

don't be a doormat honey....

 

stand up for yourself - you're worth it!

 

you can't make him happy - HE needs to make him happy

 

focus on yourSELF

[catfeeder]

You can analyze BF all you want, but if he hasn't discovered how to treat you and your children with respect in 5 years, at what point do you recognize that analysis-paralysis gets you nothing but stagnation and misery?