Wow, something truly amazing just happened

[Belts]

Today would have been my 4th day of NC, but instead, things have become very interesting. I went to call a buddy of mine today, and out of habit dialed my ex's number. When it got to the voice message and I realized I had called her instead of my buddy, I immediately hung up and thought I had ruined my 4 days of NC.

 

A few hours have passed, and she just called me. I simply said, "Hey, what's up?" And she explained to me that she was just returning my call. I told her it was an accident, and she sounded kind of disappointed. So I asked her how she is doing. We talked for a few minutes, and basically she ended up telling me she is still deeply in love with me, but she can't make me any promises about our future, because right now she has too much on her plate. She called me "lovie" which has always been her pet name for me. She also called me hun, and explained that her new friend got her into the habit of calling everyone hun. I asked her if she still had "lovie" reserved for me, and she told me I will always be her only lovie.

 

The conversation ended with us agreeing to stay friends, but not to make any promises about where it will lead us. She told me she isn't going to let anyone else get close to her heart. She did say "I love you" once more before hanging up.

 

I am not a religious person, but moments before she called me I said a prayer that she would at least be OK in her life and that maybe someday we could talk again. Makes me wonder...

[DN]

I think she is playing you like a violin and you are going to get your heart strings broken.

[Belts]

Why is that? We agreed to be friends and nothing more. I am fine with that. I am not going to try and push us back into a relationship. I see this as a chance for us to both find ourselves, and understand that we may realize we are not meant for each other. If that's the case, then so be it. At least I haven't lost a friend.

[DN]

Because all this bs stuff about loving you and so on is putting you on the back-burner. You can't move on from this relationship and form another while she is saying stuff like that because, although your head is saying you can accept just friendship, your heart is doing something entirely different.

 

She knows she can come running back any time she can't find someone else.

[Belts]

And you would know that it's bs because... you know her?

[DN]

Because I recognise the behaviour.

 

The bottom line is that if she really loved you she would be with you. Anything else is bs.

[Belts]

She just had an appointment last night for her untreated PTSD. She is going to be getting help for that now. She also has fines and bills to pay, and has to find a place to live because her dad is selling their house. She really does have a lot on her plate, and just wants to focus on what she needs to do to come out of all this on top. It makes 100% sense to me that if we were to get back together right now, we would fall back into the same mess. She doesn't want to hurt me like that, nor do I her. How is that not true love?

[H20]

Dang DN is harsh but I agree. Anyone who loves you THAT much would be with you.It wouldn't be a question.

[Zeitgeist]

You would do well to listen to DN. Anybody on this board with enough experience will tell you the same things he's saying. She's telling you what she needs to tell you to not feel guilty. You are believing her because you want to keep your hopes alive. It doesn't mean that she's actively lying or a bad person so there's no need to defend her. It just means she's behaving as anyone would when they're going through a breakup - trying to soften the blow while not losing you as an option.

[H20]

I'll answer this one Belts..because if someone loves you that much..nothing can keep you from them. No problems, or issues.Those are things couples SHOULD work out together. She should want you to be there even in hard times and you should want to be. Love is not always about what is easy or good.

[Belts]

Ok guys, let me add some more info. Her main reason for leaving me was that I have been unemployed and she has been working. Now she owes all this money, and with me not working, I only added to the stress. I still don't have a job, but I am trying harder than ever to get one.

 

It makes sense to me that somebody can still love someone, but want to wait to see how that person that they love turns out. She has every right to believe that I will continue to not have a job, so why would she get back with me right now?

 

Not everybody and every situation is the same.

[DN]

Ok guys, let me add some more info. Her main reason for leaving me was that I have been unemployed and she has been working. Now she owes all this money, and with me not working, I only added to the stress. I still don't have a job, but I am trying harder than ever to get one.

 

"For better, for worse.

for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health

'till death do us part"

 

I know you are not married but the intent is the same.

[H20]

Ok guys, let me add some more info. Her main reason for leaving me was that I have been unemployed and she has been working. Now she owes all this money, and with me not working, I only added to the stress. I still don't have a job, but I am trying harder than ever to get one.

 

It makes sense to me that somebody can still love someone, but want to wait to see how that person that they love turns out. She has every right to believe that I will continue to not have a job, so why would she get back with me right now?

 

Not everybody and every situation is the same.

 

Ok...so if you got sick she wouldn't want you then either? This is part of what makes or breaks relationships. Do you want to be with someone who only wants you when things are good or great? I wouldn't. She should want to help you and be supportive...UNLESS you did anything like abuse her, or take advantage of her. Many people are out of work right now..maybe it is her that is not understanding. It works both ways.

[Zeitgeist]

Ok guys, let me add some more info. Her main reason for leaving me was that I have been unemployed and she has been working. Now she owes all this money, and with me not working, I only added to the stress. I still don't have a job, but I am trying harder than ever to get one.

 

It makes sense to me that somebody can still love someone, but want to wait to see how that person that they love turns out. She has every right to believe that I will continue to not have a job, so why would she get back with me right now?

 

Not everybody and every situation is the same.

Likewise, your situation is not special nor unique. We really are trying to help you here, but you are working really hard to rationalize your story so that it fits only what you WANT it to be.

 

If the situation were reversed and you had a job but she didn't, would you break up with her?

[Mauxly]

Wow, it must hurt reading these posts when you were so excited. I'm sorry.

I really am. But I suspect that everyone is right. Think about it, if the shoe were on the other foot. No matter what was going on in your life you would not push someone away that you truly loved. You would want them there for support or to support them. That is true love.

 

I believe she is stringing you along in case something else doesn't come up. Your best bet is to go NC (politely) or at least NIC and focus on building your life up independently to look like you want it to look. I fear that you are setting yourself up for more heartache.

[DN]

I didn't mean to be harsh and burst your bubble - sorry if it came accross that way. But I don't want you to get your hopes up only to have them evaporate because you are misreading her intentions.

[Belts]

I haven't held a job the entire 2 1/2 years we were together. I have had 2 jobs in our relationship, both of which I had for only a month. The first one I quit, and the second I was fired. I have had every opportunity to get a job and keep it, and that is all my fault. She has been working now for 8 months. During those 8 months, she has been telling me and everyone else that she has never loved anyone like me, but she just wishes I could hold a job and be fair to her. She gave me chance after chance. Now that things are really piling up on her, why would she believe that I am all of a sudden going to change? I didn't. I think that she is using the break-up as a way to show me that she is serious, and it's working. I have never tried so hard to get a job in my life. It has only been 2 weeks, so I should be getting a job soon. I have stopped smoking pot, which we both smoked. I am going to go back to a place I worked at a few years ago for a good year and a half where I know they will hire me if I can pass the test. I told her this, and she was very proud of me, saying that she understands how hard it is to quit smoking, and she hasn't been able to do it herself.

 

So anyway, what is the point of this forum? You guys are basically saying that if someone breaks up with you, then that is the final straw. Again, what is the point of this forum?

[Belts]

"No matter what was going on in your life you would not push someone away that you truly loved. You would want them there for support or to support them. That is true love."

 

That's just it. She needed my support, money wise, and I have not given it to her.

[DN]

So anyway, what is the point of this forum? You guys are basically saying that if someone breaks up with you, then that is the final straw. Again, what is the point of this forum?

The point of the forum is to give advice based on what people think is in your best interests.

 

Is it the final straw - no. It isn't.

 

But whoever instigates a breakup should either let the other person move on or say they want to get back together. They should not be wishy-washy, they should not give false hope and they should not leave someone in limbo.

 

And the person who was broken up with needs to move on unless and until their ex says they want to try again or gives much more positive signs of wanting to do so that your ex has so far.

[Belts]

What is NIC? No Incoming Contact?

[oldenoughtoknow]

She just had an appointment last night for her untreated PTSD. She is going to be getting help for that now. She also has fines and bills to pay, and has to find a place to live because her dad is selling their house. She really does have a lot on her plate, and just wants to focus on what she needs to do to come out of all this on top. It makes 100% sense to me that if we were to get back together right now, we would fall back into the same mess. She doesn't want to hurt me like that, nor do I her. How is that not true love?

 

Okay, there seems to be multiple pieces to this puzzle, but what DN and some of the other posters have told you is true. I always have believed that when you have true love and a healthy relationship, stress, hardship and adversity will bring you even closer together. In your case, you're, what, taking a break? I'm sorry, but I don't see what you're doing as true love.

 

I have had two SO's in the past that have had PTSD. I even went to their counseling with them a few times. I learned what their buttons were, and I learned that having a strong, stable partner by their side would speed their recovery. If you aren't working, you should have plenty of time to help her find a new place. Do you think your unemployment is permanent? I didn't think so. Weak relationships often dwell on their problems that eventually tear them apart. Strong relationships use adversity to make them stronger. They aren't afraid to put their interdependence to the test. They work together to overcome their issues and form an even more trusting, more bonded team.

 

I hope you can step back for a moment and see what this "break" is really saying.

 

NIC is non-initiated contact. In other words, you never initiate contact.

[CaptainNapalm]

I wouldn't call this amazing. Broken no contact, a few words of encouragement to prevent you from moving on, while in all probability nothing will come out if it in the end. I would start no contact again, it seems like you're excited and holding on to too much hope which is a recipie for diseaster.

[Belts]

I understand where you guys are coming from, but you don't seem to understand the issue fully. I have posted a thread called "My Long Story" if you want more details.

 

Anyway, she wanted to get a place with me, but she didn't want to have to support me. She has already been supporting me for 8 months. And I've done nothing to return the favor. She needs support right now in the form of money, and with me being around, she wastes more of it on me. I don't see how this doesn't at least make some kind of sense... I even talked to my parents about the phone call, and they think the same thing. She just got to the point where she was so frustrated with having to pay for me, especially now that so much is collapsing around her.

 

If I was in her shoes, I most likely would have dumped me, too.

[minou]

Hey there. Get your act together and sure, there is a chance you can be with her again. I don't believe in these extreme viewpoints you're getting. But don't contact her until you have your act together. You two were under lots of stress and lots of relationships falter in that context and get back together later.

[quirky]

I don't know what to advise you, the stuff you say would be offputting to me too and if she wasn't happy she did well to leave. You don't mention a 3rd person in your story, neither abuse..it seems like she left because she couldn't rely on you. I would usually say trust your gut instincts but it's most likely blured at this point. What others are saying is that very often, the dumper may use you as a cushion, making the breakup easier. But that can work both ways. Some people prefer the cold turkey approach and some the slower painful one where it sinks in gradually. The first approach hurts more at the beginning but you heal faster.

 

I also don't believe in the extreme viewpoints. Be hopeful and also realistic.

 

It will be difficult (nothing is impossible though) to be just friends and if it's something more it will hold both of you back in limbo. Then again I don't know, maybe the chemistry wasn't out of this world and friendship will be managable. I am in the process of getting back together with my ex and it took sooo long (1 year with 2 failed reconciliation attempts) for both of us to digest the changes inside. After a week or 2 or 1 month you feel like you understand now why everything went wrong and you think you can do it right if you only get the chance. But for solid changes to take place in behaviour, patterns..it takes a while.

 

My advise is to stay focused on improving your life and this will only bring good, either for yourself alone or if things go further with your ex. Try and stay focused on that goal . It's too soon now (just 4 days of NC) to contemplate anything logical regarding that relationship.