GF has a second email account?

[skylight]

Hello ENA, this is skylight

 

I've been dating my GF for around two years (living together 1.5) things are pretty serious between us and it seems we have similar goals for the future.

 

A few months ago I discovered she was emotionally cheating on me with an ex. We broke up for a few days but I eventually forgave her and have been trying to learn to trust her and move on. She's been pretty open about all her communication with other people & shows me her texts and keeps her central email account (which she routs everything too) open to assuage any suspicions. She also been working on better communication when she's unhappy about something.

 

I've been having trouble moving on because I don't really see any change in her. Basically, how does she prove she no longer has secrets?

 

I really want this to work but I have my doubts some days and I find myself almost preparing for a break. I'd almost be happier knowing she's not changed and is still misleading me just so I'd know one way or another and I could stop living in limbo.

 

That being said I'm now very alert for any signs of secrecy and today I got one. I received an email from her from an account I was unaware of, it's clearly a secondary email because the SN is just her normal SN repeated twice. I know this proves nothing (yet) since all her email accounts are routed to a single location, I guess I'll test it by replying to the email and seeing if it comes up in her inbox when I get home from vacation in a few days (she's home alone "unsupervised" for the fist time since the break, probably compounding my worries).

 

Thanks for listening.

[Staple]

If she has a secret e-mail you don't know about, there's something going on. Don't let her lie to you anymore, confront her on everything.

[candybar]

I recommend you to somehow monitor all her email accounts, and check them yourself to see what's going on.

[hexaemeron]

I recommend you to somehow monitor all her email accounts, and check them yourself to see what's going on.

 

Sorry, but if you have to resort to this, the relationship is already dead. Just end it.

[Calvin68]

Sorry, but if you have to resort to this, the relationship is already dead. Just end it.

 

Maybe. But maybe he's wrong. Why not check and see?

She forfeited her right to privacy when she cheated on him. The burden is on her to earn his trust back. Having a secret email is inconsistent with this responsibility.

[hexaemeron]

Sorry, but if anyone "monitored" me, that would be the last thing they ever heard or saw from me. Relationships are not prisons.

[Taikero]

If she has a secret e-mail you don't know about, there's something going on.

 

Like maybe she needed to create a second account on some website or for some service because her e-mail address was already in use for that site/service?

 

There are so many reasons you'd have a secondary e-mail address it's not even funny.

 

Further, a secondary e-mail address means nothing by itself.

 

Finally, even if the secondary e-mail address is clean, what if there's a tertiary e-mail address or more? He could never know.

 

 

 

The thing about trust is YOU CAN'T PROVE TRUST. Trust in many ways is a matter of faith, a belief that the person you trust will do right by you based on what you know of them and have seen of their actions. There is no such thing as a guarantee with trust, because trust implies that there will be situations available for that person to do horrible things to you, but will choose not to for your sake.

 

You either trust, or you don't. Believe them, or not. Reading all their e-mails will not help you trust them because you're still looking for something to be wrong rather than focusing on what they do right.

[hexaemeron]

Exactly. Perfectly stated.

[XxJustMexX]

Everyone is different when it comes to emails and computers... and frankly, some may not find it a big enough deal to have to tell their significant others about it if it's not that big of a thing that's brought up on a daily basis... I personally don't even contact my boyfriend through email... That's what the phone is for. I don't text much either. Although I'm a computer nerd, my boyfriend is not, therefore he doesn't even keep tabs nor care about anything I do online. We both have facebooks, but rarely go on each others' pages... he can barely even navigate through his, while mine is used on a daily basis... I've had tons of websites, some blogs, some for fun, some for business, that he doesn't know exists because he's not a computer or internet guy. There's just some things your partner does that may not interest you therefore they have no need to tell you about it, that doesn't mean they're doing anything bad.

 

I also have at least 10 email accounts because I tend to make new ones up every couple years once the junk starts flowing in an old one. Aside from my only "important" email, which is my work email, he probably has no idea the others exist. I don't think I've even checked them for years really... I mostly just use them when I need to input my email in a form or something... Does this make me a cheater too?

 

If she sent you an email from the new email, doesn't this mean she's not hiding it? I understand she broke your trust in the past and you're sketchy now... but here on ENA, you'll get lots of "break up with her!" and "she's a cheater!"... and not much understanding and logic...

[nutbrownhare]

I also have at least 10 email accounts because I tend to make new ones up every couple years once the junk starts flowing in an old one.

 

If she sent you an email from the new email, doesn't this mean she's not hiding it?

 

Yep, I've got four email addresses, for various reasons. None of these includes cheating.

 

To the OP - it sounds as though you're waiting for her to slip so you can say "I told you so!" If you look hard enough you can find something which isn't immediately explicable in anyone's behaviour. And then your fantasies begin to grow, and reality flies out of the window.

 

Why don't you just ask her about the new email address? There's probably a completely innocent explanation.

 

I have to say that if someone was 'monitoring' me, they'd quickly be an ex-partner. Generally people who are very suspicious are not very trustworthy either, and assume that everyone else is as shady as they are - though I'm not saying AT ALL that this applies to you!

 

If you really aren't able to get over the emotional infidelity stuff, you need to leave this relationship behind you and start with a clean slate. There is no way that she will ever be able to reassure you completely.

[Brigadoon]

Trust is something that either you do or you don't. You can't learn it.

And how on earth is she meant to prove something doesn't exist? I mean when you are proving that something exists you have physical evidence to hold up and say "See?!". How do you do that for something that by definition isn't there?

And "Home alone unsupervised?" Why does she have to be supervised? Is she five years old? Is she exceptionally clumsy and shouldn't be using the kettle?

 

The entire post managed to completely miss the actual problem; that she cheated on you emotionally.

Which is actually worse than just having sex with someone because it completely erodes the bond between you and your partner. As we can see it has done in your case.

Unfortunately I think that you need to sit down with her and tell her exactly what her actions have done to you, and REALLY work through how that situation arose and work on it together.

I personally don't think that cheating = the end if the partner who cheated is willing to articulate their reasons for doing it and work with the betrayed partner.

And the betrayed partner also has to accept that relatively normal people in happy relationships don't tend to look elsewhere. Something is missing in your relationship and this coupled with the amount of distrust and control you are exhibiting towards her means that you will either live unhappily ever after or else you will split up soon anyway.

I'm sorry, It's a crap situation to be in and my heart goes out to you. I hope that you will find the best solution for you.

[jengh]

Just throwing this out there, I have 4 or 5 email addresses I periodically check. None of them are to do "sketchy" things... I just have them for one reason or another. I probably haven't told my boyfriend about every single one of them (I honestly have no idea if he knows) because it's not a big deal to me.

 

I think if you must resort to checking her email, like hex said, the relationship is dead. Or at least on life support and some issues need to be resolved here.

[jenna-is-here]

I understand. I was in a place where I wasted SO MUCH TIME & ENERGY trying to give me concrete evidence to confirm my mistrust in someone. Eventually I found evidence but during it I was like, "what am I doing?" because I knew well that if I had to resort to those actions, it was not a relationship worth investing anymore time into anyway regardless of that evidence.

[kenmoore14217]

exactly!!!!!!

[thathoopla]

If it's a "secret" account that she uses to email other people, then yes, she failed on being open and honest with you.

[HeartGoesOn]

If you feel that she has to be "supervised" when you're away from her, this relationship is doomed.

[MrWallFlower]

Okay...just a question for the OP. Do you think she e-mailed you from this account because she slipped up and got confused about which account she was logged into? Is it possible that she knew what she was doing and since she no longer is cheating she didn't think you would have a problem with the account? Perhaps she changed account so that her ex wouldn't contact her.

 

The one thing about your story that I find interesting is that you only broke up for a couple of days. Emotionally cheating is pretty significant. What did she say to make you reconcile?