Recently engaged: one night gone completely wrong

[alidaxx]

Ok, so to start off my story - I've been with my (now) fiance for 6 years. He suprised me, and proposed two weeks ago.. one of the best days of my life. We started dating when I was 16 and he was 18. We've grown up together, which to me is a very special thing. We enjoy doing the same things, we hold the same beliefs about major issues, and we get along extremely well. We always used to say to each other how we're best friends, lovers, and bf/gf. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that all in all we're perfect for one another. We've had our share of arguments and fights, but in the end, what it always came down to was that we both knew we wanted to be with one another and make it work. At 18 I was naive, and believed in true love, the kind with a fairy tale ending... until I found pictures of him going out in a limo, with girls around his shoulders. He lied to cover his lies, and I ended up finding more pictures of other nights he went out, and didn't tell me about. Anyways, I still don't know if he was telling the full truth, and I know there's been more nights like this I don't know about. It was like I didn't know him anymore. It was the lies that hurt the most. I sought revenge so to say, and started talking and chilling with other guys, which before I had never even dreamed of doing... just to get back at him, and do things that he wouldn't know of, just like how I didn't know of what he was doing. Thinking back now, as this was like 3 years ago, I think about how stupid and immature we both were. I hope that he never did anything serious, because I didn't. He's the most amazing guy ever, and I know in my heart that we were always meant to be together. He just wants to make me happy, and he's shown that to me in so many ways. He means the world to me, and I don't want anything to ever come between us.

 

Ok, so what's the problem? Ever since getting engaged, I've been showing my ring off to everyone, family, friends, co-workers... I get a text from a guy I used to chill with. Last time I had seen him was nearly 2 years ago... I used to come to his house and play xbox. He also had/has a girlfriend, and I figured nothing would EVER happen. The fact that I was chilling with a guy, and not telling my boyfriend, was enough in terms of 'revenge' for me, while he was out at bars, and clubs with girls. Anyways, I replied to his text by saying "i'm engaged he asked if I wanted to get together, and seeing no harm I said yes. We drank a few beers, and he invited me to his house, to chill and just "talk", he even said he'd sit accross the room on another couch. Confident nothing would happen, I went to his house. He turned on the tv, and I went on his computer. Once I got up from computer, he came up and started kissing me, I was taken aback, and even more so when he violently grabbed my hair and pulled it really hard. This guy is really tall and like 250lbs. I was so scared, and felt like I had no control. He picked me up and fell with me on his bed, I don't know what I was thinking. I just wasn't thinking, I should have just gotten up, and left. He had sex with me, for a whole 5 min until I got on top of him, and stopped. I still had all my clothes on. I feel worthless, used, and regret seeing this bastard. All I could think of was my fiance, and how I was too much of a retard to do anything to stop it. This was completely all my fault, and I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. I don't know what to do. Especially because I didn't want any of this to happen. I don't want to lose my fiance. But it hurts me 1000x more when I look into his eyes, and know that I'm lying to his face by not telling him.

[digger11]

i'm confused... how long ago was this? was it rape or did you go along w. it and not to anything? (did you say no? did you get caught up in the moment?)

[hexaemeron]

Whoa... hold on there. Rape is NEVER your fault. Ever. You hanging out with someone in good faith is one thing, but he violated you. You should prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law and I'm sure your boyfriend would stand right by you... but it's going to be a little weird because you didn't tell him immediately.

 

Do not do ANYTHING else until you talk to the police.

[metrogirl]

I'm assuming once he was off of you, you ran out of there. Did you go right to the police?

[alidaxx]

Engagement was May 2nd. This happened last Thursday. I don't want to call it rape. I didn't say no. Guess I was scared. But that's an excuse, and I don't want to excuse what I did. I was there, so my presence is completely my fault. . I don't even know what I'm asking really. I'm confused. Maybe I just wanted to tell someone.

[hexaemeron]

Engagement was May 2nd. This happened last Thursday. I don't want to call it rape. I didn't say no. Guess I was scared. But that's an excuse, and I don't want to excuse what I did. I was there, so my presence is completely my fault. . I don't even know what I'm asking really. I'm confused. Maybe I just wanted to tell someone.

 

You need to tell your fiance. This is not a secret you can or should try to hold onto. You'll just damage yourself even more.

[metrogirl]

I agree with Hex. This is going to constantly gnaw at you until you sit down and talk to him about it.

[alidaxx]

Yea, maybe it's for the best...

[sophie274]

I'm also not completely clear on what happened.

 

Now, I understand you were hanging out with this man to get some revenge on your fiance for his night outs (or was that how you got to know him two years ago, and this time was just to catch up?), and that's one thing. But once you got back to his house, he used force to have sex with you, and you were too scared to say anything until you got out from under him and left?

 

If that's more or less what happened, I agree with the others that this was rape. No matter how much you feel that it was wrong for you to go hang out with him, you did not want this to happen, did not expect this to happen and did not deserve for this to happen because of your decision to see him. This is NOT "what you get" for making the decision to see him.

 

I don't want to tell you whom to tell - police or fiance - right now because I've heard from others how terribly difficult it is to talk about things like this.

 

What do you want to do? I imagine you just wish you could turn back the clock, but since that one's not possible, what do you want to do? I also imagine you might want to forget this never happened, but I think you will feel better in the long run if you deal with this now, rather than try to bury it. Do you want to tell your fiance, but are too scared to? If you need someone to talk to about the situation with, there are rape counselors usually at free clinics - maybe a Planned Parenthood or other clinic in your area? I think there are also rape crisis hotlines where you can call up and talk to someone who is very experienced and can give you some wisdom.

 

Big hugs to you

[digger11]

you should probably contact the police and tell your bf....

 

depending on the situation. I don't want to seem insensitive but I am just confused. Sometimes people like and enjoy being scared and the type of scenario you described. You may also have a hard time proving rape if you never said no, never attempted to leave, fight back, or anything. If you didn't want it, it's not your fault but you aren't being very explicit with how the situation went down.

 

Were you sexually going along with it? (moaning or giving other signs that he could have read as encouragement? do you just feel guilty now?) How did you still have all of your clothes on if he penetrated you? If he allowed you to move to the female on top position then it doesn't seem like he was holding you down or anything. Did you ask to switch positions or simply do it?

 

I just want to be sure of the situation first. Rape is a SERIOUS accusation.

[alidaxx]

I'm also not completely clear on what happened.

 

Now, I understand you were hanging out with this man to get some revenge on your fiance for his night outs (or was that how you got to know him two years ago, and this time was just to catch up?), and that's one thing.

 

There was no revenge in this, that was my mindset years ago. Ironically my plan was just to talk and be like, "I'm happily engaged now, just wanted to see how you were doing..." which I accomplished in telling him. But also to the another reply, my pants were around my ankles, and underwear on fully. Ew. I hate talking about this.

[Ascending]

Just make sure you do NOT get pregnant. Do whatever it takes. Carrying another man's baby, that hurts, that's like rampaging on sacred grounds (you).

 

I wouldn't tell him about it. Believe me, he won't like it one bit, he'll probably commit manslaughter, and you may lose him forever. Though it's not honest, just make sure it never ever happens again. You've learned your lesson, just live with the guilt. Either way, you'll be living with the guilt, and if you lose him, you'll feel like you've lost everything in your life and you'll be thinking of this for the rest of your life. That's the position I'm in right now, and my cheating wasn't even sex, it was making out.

 

I mean really, he just proposed to you, and you did this to him, what kind of a message does that send? It'll destroy him. I know honesty means a lot and it is good, but I really wouldn't suggest it, especially if he doesn't find out and you don't get pregnant. You should still get tested for STD's and stuff. In the meantime, don't have sex with him, and justify it with you have a bladder infection. I really do think this is the best thing to do for your own good.

[russ978]

Once I got up from computer, he came up and started kissing me.

 

I was so scared, and felt like I had no control.

 

He picked me up and fell with me on his bed,

 

I just wasn't thinking, I should have just gotten up, and left.

 

He had sex with me, for a whole 5 min until I got on top of him, and stopped.

 

All I could think of was my fiance, and how I was too much of a retard to do anything to stop it.

 

This was completely all my fault, and I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.

 

Whoa whoa whoa....why are people talking rape?

 

He started kissing her, took her to bed, they had sex, she was still having sex with him and got on top of him...then stopped it. He stopped when she wanted to stop.

 

If a guy makes a move on a woman and she starts kissing back, doesn't tell him to stop, continues having sex with him...she may have made a bad decision...but that is why it is important for a woman to know her boundaries and SAY SOMETHING when it starts to get to an uncomfortable point.

 

Personally, I think you gotta tell your fiance that you cheated, stop all contact and hanging out with the guy you had consentual sex with, and try and make things right with your fiance.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you but please don't listen to these other people freaking out that are saying that it is rape...

[sophie274]

There was no revenge in this, that was my mindset years ago. Ironically my plan was just to talk and be like, "I'm happily engaged now, just wanted to see how you were doing..." which I accomplished in telling him. But also to the another reply, my pants were around my ankles, and underwear on fully. Ew. I hate talking about this.

 

Ok I understand. Your post was going back and forth between now and a few years ago, so I wasn't sure.

 

Going to the police may be the "ideal" thing to do in these types of situations but I've heard how hard it is on the victim. It's very hard to be questioned and doubted after something like this when you're already beating yourself up about it so much. Your first responsibility is towards yourself.

 

Do you feel comfortable talking to your fiance? If you do, that would be really good. I would still almost advise you to talk to a rape counselor first so that you can come to terms a bit more with what happened - and especially since your fiance may blame you. Reading what you wrote, I feel very strongly that this was not your fault, and I think it would be helpful for you to believe that a little more before you talk to your fiance about this, as he may question you. I see that others disagree, but the way you describe this makes me feel very strongly that this was clearly not consensual.

[digger11]

she didn't "do" anything to him.

 

yeah maybe she got into a situation that was unnecessary but no one asks to be sexually assaulted unless it's a fantasy between two consenting people.

 

I wonder if it's possible for you to text him and get him to admit that something you didn't want to happen happened?? Then you would have more leverage when filing a police report.

[alidaxx]

Yea, Ascending. That's the other option... living with it. Even if I do tell him, I'll live with knowing he's in pain. I'm not pregnant, I made sure of it next morning..

[TechResQ]

You should tell your boyfriend what happened. This does sound like rape to me, he was forceful and you were afraid. This creep could have a history of this type of behavior and maybe you can be the one to finally get it stopped. I'm sorry this happened to you, but you need to tell someone. Tell your fiancee' about it and ask him for help and support. Then tell the police. This WAS NOT your fault (just as Hex said), you did not ask this guy to grab you by the hair and force you onto his bed and have sex with you. What you have described is abuse and rape.

 

God Bless...

[russ978]

I wonder if it's possible for you to text him and get him to admit that something you didn't want to happen happened?? Then you would have more leverage when filing a police report.

 

If she didn't want something to happen, a simple 'No.' or walking out would have been an acceptable way to get him to stop. I didn't read anything in her 1st post about telling him to stop and it seems to me that as soon as he started kissing her, she would have stopped it or gone through with it. She went through with it, changed her mind, and walked out.

[digger11]

yeah I am back and fourth on this one Russ.....

 

sorry but with the lack of detail it's very hard to say whether the OP was going along with this and now is experiencing extreme feelings of guilt.

 

Jeans around the ankle is not a huge reg. occurrence with consensual sex, but she did say she stopped it when she was on top.

 

it's just really foggy area.

[TechResQ]

There was no revenge in this, that was my mindset years ago. Ironically my plan was just to talk and be like, "I'm happily engaged now, just wanted to see how you were doing..." which I accomplished in telling him. But also to the another reply, my pants were around my ankles, and underwear on fully. Ew. I hate talking about this.

 

ok...so he didn't penetrate you??? I am totally confused!

[TechResQ]

If she didn't want something to happen, a simple 'No.' or walking out would have been an acceptable way to get him to stop. I didn't read anything in her 1st post about telling him to stop and it seems to me that as soon as he started kissing her, she would have stopped it or gone through with it. She went through with it, changed her mind, and walked out.

 

he grabbed her by the hair and forced her onto the bed. She said she was afraid of him.

[digger11]

being grabbed by the hair is not always abuse.... I sometimes enjoy this and even request it... OP is not being clear if she was caught up in the moment and now regrets it or if was forceful...

 

hence why i asked about the moaning, something he could have taken as a positive sign. or kissing back, etc.

[russ978]

Being afraid doesn't make it rape Techresq.

 

If you're an adult and you become afraid, you should know when to say no.

 

If no communication is made that the advances are unwanted....how is the other party to know that it isn't wanted?

[TechResQ]

Being afraid doesn't make it rape Techresq.

 

If you're an adult and you become afraid, you should know when to say no.

 

If no communication is made that the advances are unwanted....how is the other party to know that it isn't wanted?

 

I understand that, and I agree with the fact she should have voiced the word "no". The OP has not been very clear in the details. I was merely replying to the fact that she admitted she was afraid of him because of his size and he was being forceful with her. Yes, some do enjoy being grabbed by the hair, but by what the OP said, she didn't and it scared her. I am very unclear about what really happened...as I think we all are...I can't even say it was sex at all, since she said her underwear was still on...

 

so I am at a loss.

[alidaxx]

I would never file rape... especially because I feel like I'm still wholly responsible.. even after many of you have tried to justify it. For that, thank you. I'm not entirely sure the rules of this forum, but I feel like I've already been overtly explicit, there was a part I left out. When he kissed me, and pulled my hair, he put his hand in my pants, and put his finger inside me.. All of those things together, were just more than I could handle. And I should have said no, but then I imagined if he pulled my hair so hard, what more could he do if I made him angry?