For the online dating ladies, a question or two

[lostandhurt]

Okay I am 46 and I have been on POF about 2 months now and it has gone okay. When I joined I got at least 3 messages a week and sometimes more from women for the first week or so and now it is down to about 2 a week. So I see this as pretty good. My return on messages I send out is about 40% I guess with some really attractive women responding. Here is where my questions come in.

1. For those of you that are and have done the online thing did you find that you kinda got a big ego boost from all the attention from men?

 

It seems that most but not all of these really attractive women spend a lot of time online but no real time actually meeting anyone. It is like they are getting their fix online like that is dating to them.

 

It seems a lot of women that I see or talk to have a bunch of very young guys messaging them. Some vulgar, some trying to hook up with a Cougar or a MILF and I am sure maybe some that really like older women.

2. Do all these young guns hitting on you change your way of thinking of guys closer to your own age? even if you wouldn't ever hook up with one?

 

Please be brutally honest.

[Mauxly]

Well, yeah, I did online dating for a short spell. I wound up quitting because I realized that it wasn't for me.

I met up with a few very attractive/charming men (at least they were on the internet), but in real life there was no match whatsoever. In fact, I have some fairly comical stories to tell about my online dating experience.

 

After wasting my time/ and or dealing with some very uncomfortable experiences I realized that anyone can present themselves any way they'd like online and that pictures/profiles/even phone conversations are no measure of the kind of man I was about to meet. That online dating is a complete crap shoot, and by the time you realized you made a mistake you are already face to face with them having wasted a bunch of time 'getting to know them' via the internet. After a few outright scary experiences (one stalker, one really physically pushy guy) I simply became afraid to meet people in person and finally deleted my account.

 

Yeah, I was sandblasted with responses. But it wasn't so much of an ego boost. From what I understand that is pretty standard for women, no matter what we look like or our social standing.

[hers]

I didn't get an ego boost from the attention I got. In fact, it was the opposite. I got a lot of emails from guys, maybe 6 on average a week, but mostly I got annoyed b/c they either wrote terribly, didn't read my profile and only looked at my pictures, or were vulgar.

 

I did meet my current boyfriend on pof. He wrote me the second my profile went up and he even read it. I didn't even have my picture up yet! So he was sincere in everything. So it can work, but I had to weed through a lot of bad ones before I found him.

[Batya33]

I never thought of it as on line dating because to me it was simply another way to get a first introduction and meet in person as soon as possible then decide whether to date in person. It's a different mindset from the candystore/find a chat buddy mentality.

 

I was surprised at first at the volume of responses (I was on line, on and off for about 5 years in my 30s, met at least 100 men in person). It was an ego boost at first but my priority and focus was my goal to meet someone who was marriage minded and wanted to start a family in the not too distant future. It said so on my profile, not in a desperate way though. So, if someone who wasn't at that stage (for whatever reason, age being one of them) or who wasn't interested in meeting in person ASAP contacted me I moved on quickly - I didn't have time to chat with strangers or any desire to and I wasn't on a dating site to make new friends, although I ended up making a few long term friends!

 

To me the flattering e-mails, winks, IMs were a lot like getting noticed by construction workers - sometimes flattering, sometimes annoying, sometimes harassing/creepy. When it was flattering it was on my radar for the second it took to read the message and if it was someone who might be a match, I would write back with "thanks for the compliment. if you're interested in getting to know each other better to see if we should meet in person, please send me a number where I can reach you - I much prefer taking to typing in this situation".

[lostandhurt]

Thanks for the replies.

I was hoping you would respond Batya. I knew of the time and amount of people you have encountered.

Yeah I much rather get to the talking on the phone and then meeting thing as soon as possible. One woman that I talked to on the phone really didn't want much more contact until we met. Probably to keep from wasting time and to make sure she didn't get some perceived notion about me before we met.

The thing I am finding is that whether I message them or they message me first some can tend to flake out quickly. We chat a little they make me a favorite and then poof nothing. And no I didn't say anything creepy or vulgar in a message. The strange thing is they keep my messages and me as a favorite like I am in the bull pen just in case.

To me it isn't that big of a deal but I do like to figure things out and yes I know trying to figure a woman is a challenge but hey I like a challenge once in a while.

 

One more question. I have noticed that some women change their profile pictures and wording once or twice a week. These aren't just little changes either. They switch out pictures and change a lot of the wording in their profile. What is the deal with that?

 

Lost

[peanutbutterandjelly]

Online dating can be scary for women. I'm not even all that attractive, but I get a lot of emails from guys that say that make me pretty uncomfortable. I dont even consider them as potential dates because they probably send the same message to about 100 girls. For example, the last random message I got said, "are you looking for a guy? want to chat sometime?"

 

I also have guys message me or clearly dont read my profile. Or get angry when I dont respond to their one liners. One guy wanted to meet and I told him that I only meet in public places... then he asked me if I wanted to come over to his house.

 

I'm all for online dating, but guys like these make it really hard for the men and the women. The women eventually get sick of getting these types of messages and stop responding, and the men get frustrated because the women arent responding. If everyone was going through profiles and writing nice, thoughtful messages that showed that they read the profiles, online dating would be more successful for more people.

 

If someone takes the time to read my profile and sends me a thoughtful message, I would be more than willing to exchange a few emails and then meet up, even if I wasn't sure if I would be into them in person. You never know. I'm not swarming in emails though.. i usually get around 5 a week and 4/5 of them have been sexual or one liners.

[hers]

Lost, regarding the profile changes, I'd do that sometimes, but mostly b/c I'm an editor with everything I read, always noticing things, and I constantly read my stuff (even do so on here) for what I've written. I added new pictures frequently so they were kept up to date, but also b/c I just like looking at myself (I can be a little conceited sometimes!)

[newwave]

I did online dating for awhile and got bombarded with many guys. What bugged me was that it seemed most guys weren't good matches, yet still contacting me because they thought I was hot. I stated no fathers, yet the majority contacted me were fathers. To some extent it was an ego boost (especially when guys who talk about how hot I was). In another way it was a pain. I met a few, but not enough hours to meet even a small percentage of guys. Guys who weren't what I was looking for were often eliminated off the bat. I met others, but most after meeting I knew couldn't be more than friends. Not just lookwise either.

 

 

I also got many young men. Many were hot, but couldn't think of a future with them. If I was looking for no strings sex, sure. Relationship wise, way too weird. Didn't change my view of guys my age, but figure if a 40something can date a 20something, why couldn't I date a hot younger guy? I didn't, but considered it.

[itsallgrand]

I've noticed there are plenty of floaters on POF. They seem to circulate on there forever! And change their profiles a lot. Maybe trying to find new people?

 

I'm in my 30s but even with my very specific profile, and settings for what I am looking for - the very young guys and the guy out of my preferences still message. That part can get annoying. I will never understand why, in particular, when my setting says I am non religious, that the religious men come a flockin' to me! lol.

 

It hasn't changed my taste in men. I haven't dated any younger or older than I ever did before outside of meeting online. If anything, it reinforced the kind of man I really do feel would be a good match for me. Someone close to my own age, preferably, but still the bulk of men who message me are 'wastes of time' bc they did not bother to listen to what I had put on my profile and settings!

 

I hope you have some good luck, Lostandhurt. I've always liked you, from what I know of your online presence anyways. I would imagine you would be a hot commodity on POF!

[newwave]

With POF I noticed it seems the same people are on there, even when they claim to be in relationships. From what I've been told, many people there are either there to hurt their SO or Ex, or just looking for sex. I hear of a few cases where people met their SO on there, but seems to be very few.

 

I'm in my 30s but even with my very specific profile, and settings for what I am looking for - the very young guys and the guy out of my preferences still message. That part can get annoying. I will never understand why, in particular, when my setting says I am non religious, that the religious men come a flockin' to me! lol.

 

I see this all the time. I've also stated I am a career woman and had guys looking for a housewife. I've actually had men tell me they were wonderful enough for me to change my mind on these issues. Sure, they might be wonderful, but not for me.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

have you tried okcupid? that seems to be the free dating site of choice near me, but i live on the east coast.

[lostandhurt]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

If you are wondering:

-I do read the profiles of every woman I message.

-Just because I think they are pretty doesn't mean I will message them.

-I do not message woman all that much younger than I am and have been out with a 48 year old that went well.

-My Subject line is always clever and has something to do with their profile info.

-I have never complimented any of the women on their looks. The fact that I messaged them should be enough at first don't you think?

I think the floaters idea is valid. It seems they live for the thrill and attention and are not that interested in meeting to see what might be. I have tried to have an open mind throughout the whole time I have been online and am willing to meet if I think there might be a good chance I will have a connection.

 

itsallgrand,

thank you for you very generous words

If any of you would like to check out my profile and let me know how I could improve it let me know through a PM and I will give you my username. A very good friend on here helped me with the picture selection and some spelling errors. You know who you are, thanks.

 

Lost

[lostandhurt]

I kinda wanted to get my feet wet a little when I first signed up. I thought I would sign up, send out a few messages, get turned down and take my time. Well that didn't work out so well as an hour after I signed up I got a message and then the next morning I had 3 more. So it kinda went faster than I had thought.

I have been thinking I would look into other sites in a month or so.

 

Lost

have you tried okcupid? that seems to be the free dating site of choice near me, but i live on the east coast.

[TechResQ]

But Lost, I believe you are not the norm. You are a sincere guy and I think that shines through most of the time. Granted there are most likely women on there to completely get their egos boosted, but I'll just bet there are some that truly are looking for Mr. Right and not just Mr. RightNow. I believe most women can see right through the B.S., especially when some guy opens with some lame comment about how hot she is, etc. I believe the women that change their profiles (comments and pictures) often are probably just trying to put their best foot forward and hey they may even be trying to show that they really do look like that...you can always tell a recent picture from one that is not so recent.

 

My advice, keep on doing what you are doing, stay the course and when something clicks, you will surely know it. You deserve to be picky!

 

Oh...and as far as you dating that "cradle robbing" 48 year old???? Ummm....ah, well...never mind...LOL!

[TechResQ]

You may want to put yourself on a couple more sites...but I bet you will see some of the same women on those sites too..

 

I think link removed is an ok site. Just a thought.

[orchidrose]

As others have said, I honestly don't get an ego boost from the mostly silly messages that I receive. Many of them appear to have been mass-mailed to a bunch of girls and have nothing to do with me personally, or they just say I'm cute with nothing I mentioned in my profile.

 

I change my profile pretty frequently - I go through and change a sentence here or there or add a new picture maybe every few weeks. It's mostly to, as TechResQ said, put my best foot forward and also see if adding something new or changing something gets more responses.

[BriarRose]

1) Nope, it wasn't an ego boost. I found it draining and nerve-wracking at times, actually. I was looking for something serious, not to get my ego stroked.

 

2) Nope, if they didn't ask for my number or ask to meet up after a reasonable amount of time (2 weeks or so), I would forget them. Not interested in an "email" relationship.

 

3) I'm not interested in dating younger men so I adjusted my age settings.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

 

I change my profile pretty frequently - I go through and change a sentence here or there or add a new picture maybe every few weeks. It's mostly to, as TechResQ said, put my best foot forward and also see if adding something new or changing something gets more responses.

 

I do this as well. I seem to be updating/changing my profile a bit every couple of days. It's kinda like a work in progress.

[Brightest Dark]

I've been on there for quite a while. Get lots of msgs although haven't been physically attracted to hardly anyone. Maybe about 2 people. It has started bumming me out going on there because I go to my inbox and then see the pix of the guys who've messaged and I don't mean to sound shallow but none of them are my type AT ALL. Part of me doesn't even want to read their message because I know they're not my type - and pretty much every message says the same crap thing, like 'would you like to chat?' or something which just makes me say 'no' to myself. I get bald guys write saying 'I love your hair' and I think to myself 'I wish you had some!' lol. (Sorry, I know I'm cruel, I just like good hair! And bald heads turn me OFF). It IS nice to know some people are still attracted to you, but it is more frustrating than an ego boost, because I'd like to meet someone I'm interested in and no-one looks remotely half that.

 

I've updates my pix while I've been there as obviously it's better to have more recent ones. My text has pretty much stayed the same.

 

If the girls flake after the first msg or two it probably means they're not interested and just didn't want to be mean by ignoring you. I have had guys write and ask a question about a hobby or something like that which I replied to just to be nice - although because I wasn't interested I hoped he'd give up and whenever I could I stopped replying.

[newwave]

I had that problem too. Most of the guys were exactly what I wasn't looking for. I hated being mean bt if their looks turned me off before I met them, how would it be fair to meet them, just for the slight possibility they were perfect. Yet when people post about looks, others say it's being superficial. Not at all, we all have a type that attracts us no matter our age. I am not attracted to heavyset football types (the large guys you see at football games) yet most of the guys who emailed me had this look. I'm not saying I only date hot guys (I don't) but like a nerdy type of guy.

[TechResQ]

I had that problem too. Most of the guys were exactly what I wasn't looking for. I hated being mean bt if their looks turned me off before I met them, how would it be fair to meet them, just for the slight possibility they were perfect. Yet when people post about looks, others say it's being superficial. Not at all, we all have a type that attracts us no matter our age. I am not attracted to heavyset football types (the large guys you see at football games) yet most of the guys who emailed me had this look. I'm not saying I only date hot guys (I don't) but like a nerdy type of guy.

 

and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! You should definitely respond to the ones you are most attracted to, I wouldn't call it mean if you didn't respond to the ones you didn't get a good "vibe" from who responded to you. You are correct, it wouldn't be fair to meet them if you truly didn't feel any attraction what-so-ever. Nothing wrong with that.

[Batya33]

I didn't have a rigid type as Newwave posted, not in the least. My standard was that if I was repulsed by the photo for any reason it was a dealbreaker. Otherwise, I knew that photos can be misleading -unintentionally misleading! - and if we clicked over the phone then I met the person in person.

[lostandhurt]

This is all very interesting info. Nice to hear from the other side.

 

I have been told I am very handsome but consider myself just an average guy. I do have all my hair though and teeth! LOL

 

The women that flaked out actually were not just being polite as we discussed much more than just a question or two. One aked for my contact info pretty early on but never contacted me.

 

I am not complaining really. I have gotten more messages than most guys I have heard of. I am just trying to learn more to weed out the ones that will waste my time and energy.

Those of you that know me on here should have a sense of who I am and what I am about. Presenting myself to other women in a way that show that can be difficult.

 

The offer still stands if someone wants to crituque my profile I would be happy to take contructive critism.

 

Tech,

Your one to talk!

 

Thank you all

 

Lost

[TechResQ]

LOL! yeah, yeah...

[Baily]

Lost-

 

I've been on POF, Match and OK

 

It's a mess....

 

I'm getting one or two interests a week...problem is they've all been girls with a gang of kids, no job and no future....

 

I've got no problem if someone has kids, but once they show they have no ambition...it's over.

 

I can tell you with each meeting / date - I'm learning something new. I doesn't matter the girls - I'm learning something about women/dating/and the scene.

 

I've figured out that 99% chances are that I AM NOT going to meet a life partner via these sites.

 

Also: The more women you message the better your odds are in getting a response....so I message 3-4 a day...

 

I feel lucky because unlike most of the guys on there...I have a career, I'm a good father of 1 child, I'm educated (Masters Degree), traveled and have a world of experiences. I see most of the guys on there as a bunch of losers with no jobs, or min wage jobs, no future and not too many brain cells firing at the same time.

 

Hang in there and honestly know that you are 99% more likely to meet someone in person than online....get involved in something...