Serious relationship with barely any physical contact besides sex?

[ritstart]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm new here and posting about a topic that's very important to me.

 

I'm together with R for about 10 months now. We know each other since 10 years and have only recently gotten together, while having been interested in each other for a longer time. Anyway, so... we used to be really good friends (still are), and have a good basic understanding of each other.

 

We do love each other and are looking forward to a future we can spend together.

 

The problem is: I miss body contact so badly. We don't kiss/"snog", we don't touch, we don't "snuggle" or anything like this. We "just have sex," so to say. It bothers me so much. Sometimes when I want to kiss him, he turns his head away, when I ask him why he does that as it hurts when it happens the third or fourth time already, he just says he doesn't like it. Neither does he like holding me, holding my hand, stroking my arms/head/sides, hugging -- just about anything that's body contact besides sex. We don't even properly make out.

 

The sex starts mostly when we lie in bed and he starts touching my breasts or my bottom. That's about all. There are no kisses, no nothing. Yes, the sex is tiring. Yes, I don't even enjoy it.

 

What he doesn't understand, I guess... is that I want contact that has nothing to do with sex, too. Sometimes when he starts like that, he pushes me down and touches me, tries to make me feel good, and only me. He doesn't let me touch him then, says "it's about me this time." I mean, that's really nice. He wants to please me too. That's good.

 

It's just. You know. It feels like a friendship with benefits so often. It doesn't feel like we're together. I've told him what I feel, and he says he tries to change. I waited four months, almost nothing came up. Then we talked again, I started crying, and he asked me if I was happy with him at all. I told him no, not like this, because there's a vital part I'm missing, and that's kissing him, holding him, etc. -- for me, it's a way to communicate your feelings, it calms me down, makes me happy. He did say it's nothing for him, doesn't do anything for him, he's not the guy that's glued to the other 24/7. That's good, neither am I. But. A little of this isn't bad, is it? Isn't it normal to want to kiss the other person, to touch them besides sex?

 

I have such trouble understanding this. He says he tries, I should give him time, and I know he loves me. He couldn't ever fool me, because he's not that kind of person. He loves me.

 

 

The problem is -- might it be that we are not compatible, relationship-wise? It seems we're both looking for different things in a relationship, or rather, we value different things. He values talking, just "knowing I'm there," while I like to snuggle every once in a while. I don't want to be glued to him the whole time, but just sometimes, it'd be nice. And there really is nothing but this sex-thing going on.

 

Well, he's tried... I mean, sometimes he's touching me "deliberately," (it's mean to say it like that, I know...) like kissing my shoulder before going to sleep, stroking over my arm briefly or such things. They're tiny, but they're there and they haven't been there before.

 

I just. I'm so tired of this and I miss it so much. I love him and he loves me. I just want us to be happy together.

 

He says he isn't the type for it, it doesn't do anything for him, has "no use" for him, so to say.

 

I just don't know.

 

Any opinions?

 

 

Thanks to everyone who's taken their time to read this!

[Ac143]

He says he isn't the type for it, it doesn't do anything for him, has "no use" for him, so to say.

 

I have trouble understanding this too because I need that physical contact & can't imagine being in a relationship without. It would feel more of a FWB then anything else.

 

He says its "no use" for him, but that's not even the point. If he loves you & wants to see you happy he should make an effort to be alittle more physical. You're not asking for alot!!

 

Ask yourself this, can you live this way for the rest of your life? If the answer is no then I personally think its time to move on - it doesn't seem like you two are looking for the same thing.

[lostandhurt]

He is missing out on the best part!!!

You are cetianly not making love that is for sure. You are just having sex, or more to the point....intercourse.

This relationship sounds like it never evolved from friendship. It sounds to me like the only difference now is that you and he have intercourse with no intimacy. No intimacy in a relationship is a killer for both women and men.

I can understand you feelings and the fact that he says he has no use for it pretty much gives you your answer on what you should do.

 

Most guys are not like this. Perhaps something happened in his life to make him feel this way, or not feel this way I guess would be more correct.

 

Lost

[Flywest29]

Well I can tell you I have been "that guy" before, I am not proud of it. But I will tell you right now you are nothing more to him then a FWB. I am sorry this is not what you want to hear.

 

I did and said the exact same things to someone and carried on this way for a year. She was in love with me, for me it was just a "good time". I liked having sex with her, but had a hard time cuddling, kissing, hugging all the good stuff you are supposed to do in a healthy relationship.

 

My experience did not end well, she was heartbroken and the guilt I felt after still lingers. Do yourself a favour and get out of there. He clearly doesn't want a relationship with you, he sees you as an object.

 

Sorry I know this is not what you want to hear, but it is identical situation I was in. I know he is not me but this sounds identical to what I did.

[hexaemeron]

Some people just do not like being touched or having attention paid to them. It's difficult for me sometimes to handle being the focus of someone's attention sexually at times. The best way I can say it is that there's an... overstimulation that happens. It's not pleasant. It's not at all fun. It's almost panicky.

 

But then, a lot of people (both on AND off the Austistic spectrum(s)) just don't like to be touched. Or, don't like it all the time.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There is no intimacy in the relationship. If he can only touch you during sex and the rest of the time he is uncomfortable with physical contact then he has issues with intimacy. He may care about you but he can't bring it to the realm of an intimate relationship. Even if he touches you to pleasure you, this is still revolving around sex. Also, he seems to compartmentalize it...pleasuring you or pleasuring himself...there is not "togetherness" even with sex...it is either one or the other gets pleasured. There is a total disconnect in his mind between body and person. I don't think you are going to get a very satisfying relationship from him...basically all you have is an FWB.

[SocialStigma]

If that is just the way he is then I guess you have to decide if you can live with it or move on and find someone more affectionate. I can't imagine NOT having that in a relationship though, to me the hand holding, cuddling while watching TV, lying with my head in his lap etc, that is so much more intimate and special than anything of the sexual nature.

[ritstart]

Hey guys,

 

thank you so very much for all of your answers, I really appreciate your words.

 

Just yesterday we had a dispute about it again, rather I felt sad and this led to said dispute. I was just crying and asking him, is this really your definition of a relationship? He asked me what I wanted from him, because he is not like that, he doesn't need it, etc. We had this discussion before... I told him I wouldn't want him doing it just for me because I think he'd feel forced to do it then, like a duty, just to make me happy. I don't want that because it's not what he himself wants. We didn't talk the whole evening then... just before going to bed, I sat there and stared at the wall for a long time till I started crying again, and I asked him if we could talk again, after some grumbling he agreed (though unwilling, I guess) and then I just didn't know what to say.

 

After some time of me crying he took me in his arms, and I could only say that I love him... after, we fell asleep, but he told me this morning he could barely sleep that night, but didn't say why. He's a rational person and when we talk about this he mostly says I should do what's right for me, then I ask him what it is that HE wants with his heart -- he says he wants to be the one to make me happy, to be with me...

 

I. I know, I can understand where all of you are coming from, I really can see that. It's just. I know he cannot express emotions, has a hard time with that, so... I don't know. You might say I'm blind but I do know that he loves me, for what he doesn't say speaks volumes. I've known him for ten years now, I know how he is in that kind of area, and... He does love me. I don't want to sound like a heart-broken silly little thing clinging to this as if it's the last in my life, because it's not. I am independent, I don't need to fool myself.

 

I guess I... just have to make a final decision if this is really what I want -- if I will be happy with that. I think this is what I should do now, think and come to a conclusion. I didn't know it'd be like this, I just thought it'd be... ah, normal? If you can say such a thing is "normal."

 

 

Thank you very much, again.

[Scott12]

If that is just the way he is then I guess you have to decide if you can live with it or move on and find someone more affectionate. I can't imagine NOT having that in a relationship though, to me the hand holding, cuddling while watching TV, lying with my head in his lap etc, that is so much more intimate and special than anything of the sexual nature.

 

I don't agree with this. To me, compromise is the most important part of any relationship and showing a willingness to compromise is the number one characteristic I look for in a long term partner. Even if "that's the way he is" he can sometimes give her what she wants to make her happy. I don't understand the "like it or lump it" advice.

 

Scott

[SocialStigma]

I don't agree with this. To me, compromise is the most important part of any relationship and showing a willingness to compromise is the number one characteristic I look for in a long term partner. Even if "that's the way he is" he can sometimes give her what she wants to make her happy. I don't understand the "like it or lump it" advice.

 

Scott

 

I agree that a compromise should be made whenever possible. However, asking your SO to change an aspect of their personality is something that they have to want too, otherwise they will do it for maybe a couple months and then eventually stop doing it - and then you will be unhappy again. It's different from compromising about preferences, changing your personality takes much more effort and requires you to consciously do something that goes against what is now your natural instinct. It's like if you are naturally an introvert and prefer observing and being on the sidelines and your SO tells you they would like it if you were the life of the party and center of attention instead. Not that easy to just force yourself into that spotlight unless you desire that change too.

[ritstart]

Hello everyone! I'm here with "news," if you want to say so.

 

I thought about what to do and didn't come to a conclusion in just one day. Instead he offered we could talk about it again, for, to him, it didn't seem like the convo was still "open ended."

 

So I agreed, we saw each other last night and talked. At first neither knew what to say but we just started somewhere. He once or twice asked if I'd want to break up, if I'd thought about it. I told him yes, I had, but didn't want to and now I didn't know what to do. He then remarked that my love for him couldn't be so strong then if I wanted to break up with him "over something like this." (He didn't say it like that, but that was the meaning.) I told him if it were something small I wouldn't but it is NOT something small and the issue is that he doesn't even understand that -- which reinforced the idea of him just really not needing that, or rather, wanting that.

 

Anyway so we talked... didn't get further... then I pushed myself up and asked him what was so terrible about the idea of just kissing me. Not just a little peck, but longer and deeper. He didn't answer but evaded my answer by, "We're discussing something, this doesn't fit now." I said he wouldn't do it anyway, and then I asked him what was so wrong to him if I just kissed him now.

 

I don't know why but things were weird then, I just leaned down and kissed him and we both started to grin and had to laugh. This repeated itself for two or three times... till I couldn't hold back anymore and said, "It's not that you're 'not this type' but it's something else, isn't it." I always had the nagging feeling that, if we were close or about to do something, he was a little panicked and felt uncomfortable and not okay. He has huge issues with himself, very little self-confidence (just like me) and I just felt there was more. Though lately because all of his determined "no I just am not like this, period" talking made me really doubt it. But I couldn't get this nagging out of my mind. Anyway so we got around to talking again and... he admitted that if he could, he would change everything about him and it came out that partially he didn't do things with me was because he was too uncomfortable in his own skin. He was nearly crying and it hurt to see him like this. Then he got really quiet, contemplative and silent. I comforted him until he laughed a little again and then he asked me if I wanted to try it again with him, and I agreed.

 

I also made it clear to him, though, that I expect us/him to work on it. I want to see results someday. I give him the time he needs but I want him to be honest from now on. Because he even admitted he'd wanted me to break up because it'd be easier for him then, he wouldn't have needed to tell me the "truth" and later on, let's say if I've found someone else, he wouldn't have needed to blame it on his appearance when the other guy'd look better, but he could just say, well she broke up with me because she wasn't happy and not because of my looks.

 

I just. What. He was willing to let me go just because of this? I told him this, told him I thought he was a coward right then and that it hurts. That it wasn't okay.

 

 

 

Anyway, so... urgh. I'll try this again, as I DO love him, I want him in my future, want to see us together there, and I'll give whatever it takes. The possibility that it can get better is there now, and I'll trust him in this now. He has lied to me before, saying he's had a gf when he really didn't (also lied to his family) just because out of insecurity, because a guy in his 20s couldn't have his first gf with 20, right -- like, out of pride he couldn't. This, I told him, we need to work on, because he should be HONEST. I've changed a lot, am more honest now too, but I wouldn't lie about big things. Never about this. And I'm still shocked at how he could've just let me go like that because he was so scared. On the other side I can... understand it. I know about his past and he'd never had it easy.

 

So okay, my rambling is over now. What do you guys think about this?

[lostandhurt]

This is good news if he is able to accept his issues and express them to you and possibly a therapist.

This isn't just a simple matter for you to compromise on. This is a foundation kind of issue that if left will destroy your relationship and any others he may have.

 

Could it be that he isn't sure how to kiss you correctly? Could it be that he doesn't know how to be intimate with any woman? A guys ego and pride will cause them to do some really stupid, stuff and yes ruin the best thing in their lives to keep from admitting something.

He may have avoided everything to keep from having to deal with one or two things he is hung up on. If he is serious he should agree to see a therapist. This is so important I wouldn't just try and fix it on my own. I also think this has way more to do with issues he has been carrying around for some time than sexual problems.

Sit down with him and make a plan to be more affectionate and intimate.

 

Best wishes

Lost

[ritstart]

Could it be that he isn't sure how to kiss you correctly? Could it be that he doesn't know how to be intimate with any woman?

 

I don't really know, to be honest. He doesn't talk about this, and actually I've never thought of this. But it'd explain some things, if it were like that...

 

What is in your opinion the best way to talk about this without being rude/intrusive/over-whelming? I'm not the most tactful person so I fear I might do something wrong.

 

 

And I... do have a question. It is normal to want to kiss and snuggle and be intimate, right, besides the sexual things? Because I have the feeling I'm over-reacting, or like, it's just a thing a woman wants, because men don't like it that much or are merely doing this so the possibility for sex increases? God, I surely sound like a big, big idiot now. It's just -- I have issues with my own feminity and I hate it to sound like a love-sick girl crying for her bf's attention. I mean. Do men want/like this too?

 

I'm sorry if I sound totally stupid, I'm just so insecure about this whole thing.

 

 

Edit, for I have another question! About sex. I don't really like the sex we have as it usually just starts out with him touching my breasts/bottom as I mentioned in my first post, and then it glows slowly.. it never happens, like, one of us is standing/sitting and the other comes up to the other person and starts to kiss them or so. I don't really enjoy the sex. How do you talk about this, again, without hurting the other person, or without making too much of a drama out of it? Because it's both of us that make mistakes, I just don't know where to start.

[Scott12]

And I... do have a question. It is normal to want to kiss and snuggle and be intimate, right, besides the sexual things? Because I have the feeling I'm over-reacting, or like, it's just a thing a woman wants, because men don't like it that much or are merely doing this so the possibility for sex increases? God, I surely sound like a big, big idiot now. It's just -- I have issues with my own feminity and I hate it to sound like a love-sick girl crying for her bf's attention. I mean. Do men want/like this too?

 

This is not just a thing for women. Many men very much enjoy kissing/cuddling/physical intimacy other than intercourse. On the other end of the spectrum, to some women those things are not so important. I think it's mostly an individual thing, as to how necessary they feel tactile intimacy is to a relationship. That being said, each partner no matter where they fall on the spectrum should be willing to compromise.

 

Edit, for I have another question! About sex. I don't really like the sex we have as it usually just starts out with him touching my breasts/bottom as I mentioned in my first post, and then it glows slowly.. it never happens, like, one of us is standing/sitting and the other comes up to the other person and starts to kiss them or so. I don't really enjoy the sex. How do you talk about this, again, without hurting the other person, or without making too much of a drama out of it? Because it's both of us that make mistakes, I just don't know where to start.

 

In my opinion, before you talk to him about this, trying showing him. When he is standing there one day, go up to him and start hugging and kissing him. If he tries to grab your breasts or butt, firmly but gently take his hands and move them to your face or your back. If you have to, hold his hand and trace his fingers over your arms or legs. Slowly start undressing him and then have him undress you. If he tries to go right for it again, firmly but playfully push him away and spend more time kissing and caressing. Teach him how you want to be touched because even if you've said something to him (and iirc you haven't) he still might not understand exactly how you want to be touched. Good/great lovers are not born; they are made.

 

Scott

[lostandhurt]

There are all kinds of guys that like to kiss and cuddle and enjoy the touch of the woman they are with. Yes we do want to have sex all the time pretty much but we also like to do all the other things you mentioned.

If he is going straight for penatration I can see why you do not enjoy sex. By the way sex is so much more than just penatration. You can have great sex without it if you know what you are doing. It is usually the last thing not the first thing that you two should be doing.

Did you ever tell us your ages. That may help a lot here.

Have you ever enjoyed sex with other men? If so what did they do that made it more enjoyable?

How to bring this up without hurting his feelings. DO NOT bring it up right after you have been intimate with him what ever you do.

I agree with above by showing him what you like with actions and less words. When he gets moving to fast whisper in his ear to slow down and he will get everything he wants but he must be patient! This can be a very enjoyable game that can last hours not minutes.

For me to have the woman I love meet me when I get home and give me a long slow deep kiss and whisper in my ear everything she wants to do to me is as about as perfect as life can get. I love it all. The quickie because you can't keep you hands off each other, the morning before work when you are a little rushed but it is worth skipping breakfast. sleep or even a shower for, the date night when you both have all the time in the world to explore each other over and over again and yes even laying on the couch holding each other and kissing during commercials.

 

Man I just realized how much I miss all of it...........

 

Lost

[TechResQ]

Hi Ritstart,

 

I've been reading your posts and the responses and thought I would throw my two cents in as well.

 

First of all, please stop saying you're feelings and thoughts are stupid. They are NOT. They are very valid and important feelings and ones you should not ignore, because I can guarantee you that if you do, you will be miserable in this relationship (and any others in the future). What you want and what you are asking for are perfectly normal emotions and needs in most relationships.

 

Sex, or love making, starts WAY before the bedroom! Physical touch is such a necessary component to feeling needed and wanted. From what you have described, I am sure you feel as though you are nothing more than a release to him. Or, at least that's how I would feel if I were you. Kissing, caressing, hugging or just simply holding hands can spark SO MANY "feel good" emotions! Physical touch releases endorphins in the brain and trigger such deep and great inner feelings. It's what makes you feel desirable to the other person. It's what can make you feel beautiful, sexy. But you already know that, because you are craving that very thing.

 

I agree with lostandhurt, I truly believe he should see a therapist, because I really doubt he can change without a good one. I know you love him and he may very well love you with all of his heart...but there is something wrong here. You are not asking too much, IMO. If he is willing to seek some help, then I think you can maybe make the relationship work. If he is not willing, then I am sorry to say that I truly believe things will stay the same. He may try for a while to be more affectionate, but I can almost say for certain, he will go back to acting non-affectionate.

 

This is a major issue. Everyone deserves happiness, and it doesn't sound as though you are very happy. I know I wouldn't be if my bf didn't show me affection and actually 'make love' to me.

 

Do you and your bf ever hold hands in public, or does he put his arm around you ever?

 

I hope he decides to get help for this, otherwise, I am sorry, but I think you should find the happy and fulfilling relationship you deserve.

 

Good Luck & God Bless.