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ive need help or advice please


brownowl90

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right, this is a long and complicated one and i just hope someone can make sense of it all.

i was content in life, had a daughter and a 7 year relationship that had endured a lot but never really made me truly happy!

i am 35 and met K who is 23 at work and she was the funniest most beautifull thing id ever seen, we became best of friends working in a secure hospital and laughed and flirted constantly. one night on a works night out we kissed, id never felt feelings like it and can still remember it now as though it was yesterday.

For 3 months we continued to meet and flirt but it never went any further until 1 day i told her i loved her, i did, more than id ever felt for anybody, she admitted she felt exactly the same.

i made a massive decision that broke my heart, i took myself away from everyone for a week and decided i couldnt let the chance of losing my soul mate, so i left my daughter and partner. hardest thing id ever had to do but i was honest and truthfull and have a great relationship with them now and she understand why i left and is getting married next year.

Back to K, we moved straight in together, which put me in debt supportin 2 households but i didnt care, i was on cloud 9, found the woman of my dreams and she felt the same, the next 6 months were amazin, sex, fun, constant textin when we were apart. Then i started to see another side to her, she would be jealous of my daughter, jealous when i went to pick her up, jealous when i talked to any other girls at work. creating arguments for nothing, but then the next day id get the old K back and it was all fine again.

Then next thing she is pregnant, she had taken anti biotics and they had canceled out the pill, she was heartbroken, we had no money, she said she was to young, we contemplated abortion but agreed we couldnt do it.

The house i owned with my ex was free so we moved there, which was an hour away from all her family n friends, but it was all we could do. The jealousy got worse, she never really tried to make friends with my friends as she seen them as my exs friends, we would argue about that, she would say she hated living away from her fam and friends, what could i do, i changed to a better more stressfull job to try and get some money together, she would get upset when she rang me at work and i couldnt talk. i buried my head in the sand and just hoped things would improve, i put the house up for sale and said we could live where she wanted.

Our son was born and i played the doting father, i adored him, surely things would get better now, for a while they did, she told me she loved me everyday through all this and said i didnt show i loved her, the amazing sex had gone to be replaced by the occasional fumble and she said she couldnt argue all day then just have sex?

Our son wouldnt sleep, really needy baby, hard work we were shattered, wed been together nearly 2 years now and though wed had it tough she still lit up my heart, she was still beautifull confident and funny! just the mood swings were confusing me, maybe the hormones from birth? i just carried on kept working hard, buying her nice gifts when money allowed, she still brought me dinner to work, kissed me like she loved me, text me every hour to see how i was.

Then it came to xmas, our son was startin to sleep, work and money were better, a good xmas and we would b back on track. i went on the works night out, she went out with her sister and her new boyfriend and friends. she rang me a t 2am to tell me she was staying over and she loved me and i fell to sleep. next day my life changed for ever, she came home a different person, she was cold, she didnt text me every hour anymore, she talked about her sisters boyfriends friends and how nice they were.

I got suspicous, looked on her facebook and phone and found she had been talking to B quite a lot, so i questioned her, she said he was jsut a friend and she has always been friends with many guys which was true. He listened to her and i didnt anymore, i tried to let it go, but i knew things were not right anymore, we spent x mas day at her mums, she was cold all day, she was somebody else! boxing day morning we were due to go to my parenst for a few days, as i loaded the kids n luggage into the car she laid in bed, i lost it and said she wasnt goin to ruin our sons first xmas anymore and if she didnt buck up i was going without her, to my amazment she said ok.

i spent 4 days at my parents constantly arguing on the phone with her, she said she loved me but wasnt happy anymore and needed some space, for the next 4 months i begged,cried,threatend suicide, i became a mess basically, how could she do this 2 me, i even persuaded her home twice but it lasted days and she left again.

At one stage she got offered emergency housing and said she wouldnt take it if i didnt want her 2 but i said if she felt it was for the best then do it.

she said she wanted more than anything for us to be a family, but then next night she would be out with all her friends, another guy came on the scene D, an old school friend who was like "her brother" i checked phone bills, she had been ringing him often. I remember his name from when our son was born, she mentioned him as a new facebook friend.

She then wanted us to try and be friends and see if we could slowly rebuild our relationship, so we tried, met a few times but i was always sad and asking why, she would get angry and say we cant get on why cant you be happy.

She said she had tried and id took her for granted, shed given up her life for me and i never appreciated it, now id realised how much i loved her it was 2 late cause she didnt feel the same anymore.

About 6 weeks ago, 4 months after xmas i told her i couldnt continue like this, id made a decision she either came back and worked it out or it was over, she chose over, within a week D turned from good friend to new boyfriend. Ive never felt pain like it, id tried dating to make my hurt go away, no chance, made me feel sick, how could she move on??? how could she desert me when i needed her the most????

her parents had split when she was 11 and her dad and 3 older siblings stook together whilst she went with her mother, she played on this and always said she was the black sheep and nobody loved her, she brought this up and says its all her fault, shes incapable of being happy, shes a * * * * up! but surely she loved me and our son enough to be stronger for us???

Anyway shes left for good, decided she doesnt feel the same about me, that im not what she wants, i wake every morning in sweats, imaganing her and D sleeping together, bathing my son together, laughing like we used to, when she hears me upset shes so cold and says lifes too short, shes making the most of her life and so should i.

I cant, i love her, i miss her, even after everything shes done, she lied constantly for 4 months, even swearing on our sons life on 1 occasion and when i found out just laughed and put the phone down, shes constantly on facebook, drunk, partying with her friends and him.

Ive done 4 weeks almost NC, deleted her from facebook, deal with our son through our parents, she texts every couple of days and rings saying our son wants to talk to me but i cant answer, it hurts to much, her new boyfriend even rang this weekend at 1am whilst i was asleep, left me a text saying im a * * * * and he wanted a word, i didnt dare call back cause 1 what i may have heard and 2 i swear i wanted to kill him.

Dont know what im asking for really, just maybe someone who can make sense of it all, i feel like im losing my mind

thanks for reading

L

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I realize you're hurting, but you do need to pull it together for your son's sake. There is nothing you can do to stop your ex from dating, seeing, marrying whomever, but what you must do is pull yourself together and be a part of your son's life. Put on your game face when around her and when communicating with her about your son. In time your wounds will heal.

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i do not see or talk to her, 4 weeks ago i went NC to try and move on, she constantly rang to tell me about my son, i never answered, i asked her to go through my parents to arrange drop offs etc, we spoke for 1 day, my sons first birthday and i ended up crying and asking why again and asking if she loved this new guy, of course she said no, but her voice said maybe to me, she then continued to ring and 1 night even he tried at 1am, when my parents asked them to stop and leave me to get on with my life she pretended she didnt know he had rang and didnt know why!

i know i could never take her back but selfishly i just want her to breakdown and cry, admit it was all a mistake and beg for another chance, id probably crumble but in my heart i know i could never trust her with my heart again.

i asked her 4 weeks ago if she ever thought we could be together in the future, she said no because too much has happened, it made me happy cause she never said no cause i dont love you, thats how desperate i am, to see hope in that reply is desperate! i know that, i know all the rules, i know all the advice, doesnt help though does it??

even went to a gypsey palm reader who said she was ill and close to a breakdown, still loved me and would be back within 6 months, for 3 days i was walking on air thinking it must be true, then i heard the coldness in her voice again!

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Hi buddy. I can feel your pain. Like there is nothing left to live for and you are utterly consumed and desperate about this situation.

 

Please keep in mind you will get better. It's a sickness you are going through like a lot of us on here. You feel like curling up and dying. Trust me on this - YOU ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS.

 

 

Try as best you can to keep your head together and instead of your heart ruling everything, let your mind try and think logically. She sounds a bit mixed up at the moment so just bide your time. I am not saying she won't try and come back, but at the moment you have to put your relationship with her to one side and concentrate on your son. Fake it till you make it buddy. Horrible saying but you'll come out tops!

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thanks mate,

she is very stubborn and puts on a big front that she is happy, not sure she is, i know shes struggling for money but until 4 weeks ago she was all over facebook looking like shes having the time of her life. ive stopped looking now cos it killed me. im stronger now but just wish she would see with a bit of effort we could have been a happy family! shes said in the past she wishes we were but she doesnt feel the same anymore, she wasnt happy with her life and though she will always love me cause im father of our son she doesnt love me anymore. i think this has stemmed from all the desperation and anger ive directed her way on a constant basis up until NC.

the new guy D in my head is a care free young man who will soon resent my son and her moods, but at the moment i think that fun and care free is what she thinks she wants.

think the reason for NC for me is that her attitude is very much, "ive moved on and im happy, why cant you, lets just be civil for our son" cuts like a knife everytime she says it.

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Yup...I keep waking up at stupid hours thinking about stuff. Bit lost at the moment!

 

Stay strong. I know it feels like a big piece of you is missing and you find it difficult to stop thinking about it so try and keep your mind occupied with other stuff. Easier said, but I really have to force myself to stop my head going into helicopter mode! Writing on here does help as you see other people going through the same, sometimes worse periods in their lives...

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true mate it does help, but the thing is you hope with all your heart someone will read your story and produce a magic solution for you, in reality nobody can help you, my friends and family are supportive but they are now at the stage where they are saying just move on and get over her, she obviously doesnt love you, but it just doesnt feel right, it feels unfinished, it feels like a huge mistake. maybe thats cause of how quickly she changed and that i really wasnt expecting it???

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my friends and family are supportive but they are now at the stage where they are saying just move on and get over her...

If only it were that easy...!

 

I'm 15 months out and I'm crying right now...!

 

The only thing I can do is tell myself and believe that I WILL get better....and we will all heal in our own time....

 

What you have been through and what you are experiencing now is nothing short of traumatising, which causes immense damage to our beings....These wounds can take a looong time to heal....

 

I have friends who say 'Its a choice. You can choose to be happy or sad"....Ha! Yeh right...As if I would CHOOSE to be sad, hurt, demotivated, not hungry etc etc....

 

No, its a process and we have to go through it....Just try and keep one eye on the light at the end of the tunnel....no matter how long that tunnel may be*

 

Ever Forward

K2*

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I am sorry to write this but, have u never taken into consideration the fact that maybe, maybe she just wanted a child to help her to get a flat for single parents ??? It sounds to me she was just using you ....just my opinion

 

dont think this is the case, she is a very ambitous person and was devastated when she first realised she was pregnant, things were amazing between us until that time! but then again maybe i just never knew her at all

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If only it were that easy...!

 

I'm 15 months out and I'm crying right now...!

 

The only thing I can do is tell myself and believe that I WILL get better....and we will all heal in our own time....

 

What you have been through and what you are experiencing now is nothing short of traumatising, which causes immense damage to our beings....These wounds can take a looong time to heal....

 

I have friends who say 'Its a choice. You can choose to be happy or sad"....Ha! Yeh right...As if I would CHOOSE to be sad, hurt, demotivated, not hungry etc etc....

 

No, its a process and we have to go through it....Just try and keep one eye on the light at the end of the tunnel....no matter how long that tunnel may be*

 

Ever Forward

K2*

 

 

a choice i try and kick myself up the arse about 10 times a day, without sounding big headed ive got a amazing family, great friends, good job, ive lived a full life, travelled the world, succeded in most things i do, have many female admirers!

none of this matters, she was my soul mate and i was willing to do anything for her, then she deserted me!

i dont want to be sad, i know ive got lots going for me, plenty to look forward to etc

doesnt stop the thoughts and the pain though does it???

anybody on here looked into the black magic??

surely it is a scam? dangerous? mumbo jumbo?

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ive got a amazing family, great friends, good job, ive lived a full life, travelled the world, succeded in most things i do, have many female admirers!

none of this matters, she was my soul mate and i was willing to do anything for her, then she deserted me!

Ditto....

i dont want to be sad, i know ive got lots going for me, plenty to look forward to etc

doesnt stop the thoughts and the pain though does it???

No, it does not....But gotta keep working at it....otherwise things can get pretty dark....trust me on that*

anybody on here looked into the black magic??

surely it is a scam? dangerous? mumbo jumbo?

I tried various things....Prayed to several different dieties....

 

Yet she is probably cooking his dinner right now while I sit here on a broken hearts forum....There's the reality.....

 

Dangerous in the way that any of those things will feed you false hope, when most of the time there is none...

 

There is a book/dvd doing the rounds called 'The Secret'....Take from it what you will....If it helps you feel better then great.....But dont lose sight of the day to day realities...*

 

Stay Strong Bud

K2*

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shes just sent a text to my phone, it was supposed to go to my parents cos shes been told not to contact me but im sure shes done it on purpose, says

" hows L(me) is he having F(our son) every other weekned for definite now? F is fine is cold has gone and is jabs are now the 27th!

its good that she tells me about my son and that she cares how i am, but what does it really mean?

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shes just sent a text to my phone, it was supposed to go to my parents cos shes been told not to contact me but im sure shes done it on purpose, says

" hows L(me) is he having F(our son) every other weekned for definite now? F is fine is cold has gone and is jabs are now the 27th!

its good that she tells me about my son and that she cares how i am, but what does it really mean?

 

 

anymore advice would be greatly appreciated, this is my only source of comfort at present

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ive spent my morning at work reading through other posts and the grass is greener syndrome seems to apply to my situation, im having a difficult day today, i spend 10minutes thinking i should ring her cause maybe shes sad and waiting for me to save her then i realise thats crazy and the likelyhood is shes happy and not even thought about me today.

ive got 2 dates this weekend, both nice girls, but when i think about them they seem depressing like i shouldnt be doing it and their is a black cloud hanging over them. how can she just move on???? when i look back on our relationship i remember all the amazing things we did, it seems when she talks about them all she sees is the bad things? why is that?

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true mate it does help, but the thing is you hope with all your heart someone will read your story and produce a magic solution for you, in reality nobody can help you, my friends and family are supportive but they are now at the stage where they are saying just move on and get over her, she obviously doesnt love you, but it just doesnt feel right, it feels unfinished, it feels like a huge mistake. maybe thats cause of how quickly she changed and that i really wasnt expecting it???

 

We all wish there was a magic solution buddy! Your mind is telling you things are salvagable and perhaps reconciliation is a possibility. Her mind is telling her it's over.

 

With a bit of time, perhaps things might change, but at the moment you have to do your utmost best to move on. Hell as it is. A lot of us are there at the moment, although I think I'm slowly crawling out! LOL

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mate im a million times better in last 4 weeks than i have been for last 4 months, reason is for them 4 months i let her play with my feelings and constantly shown that id take her back, over last 4 weeks ive left all communication to others and i dont know what she is doing? constant ringing, lies, looking on facebook was driving me crazy.

Another thing i find strange, apart from the fact she seems to have been able to turn off her feelings to me(up until a week before the break up she was the more affecionate and loving one in the relationship) she has also not once asked to see or enquired over my daughter whom she brought up as her step daughter for 2 years, these actions just stink of a confused and messed up woman, when it first happened i was sure it was somekind of side effects or depression to the birth of our son, the pictures on facebook do not show a depressed person though.???

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...the pictures on facebook do not show a depressed person though.???

People dont post pictures of themselves having a bad time, argument etc on FB*...Its a false reality....which is probably why so many people love it....

 

So rather than look at it, you may as well just stick a fork in your eye..

It hurts less and will heal quicker....*

 

 

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yeah true, but most of the stuff i seen she was tagged in photos other people had taken, though i do suppose she knew where they would end up!

New boyfriend even posted a video on her wall of her singing to him drunk in her kitchen(in her new house that i havent even got address for even though my son lives there) she looked so happy, like when we first met, thats when it really hurts

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she text my dad again yesterday asking if we now have a set arrangement for F every other weekend, my dad replied yes if thats ok with you. she replied that was fine and she would never stop me seeing F and was sorry she ever said she would. it infuriated me, i wanted to text and say that she could never stop me anyway cause im his dad, i then fell out with my dad cause i felt he made it sound like good old K was doing us a favour, i later appologised and realised he was only trying to help.

Why does she text even my dad all the time??? there was no need for contact for at least another week to arrange F. really do feel sometimes like it is the security blanket scenario, other times i feel like she is missing me but cant admit it.

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whats peoples opinion on why she would text daily and always about our son, though she does sometimes ask how i am to my dad, is she

1. just being a good mum and wanting me to know how my son is

2. thinking about me and hoping for more of a response

3.my parents theory just arranging her weekend nights out and keeping us sweet to make sure i will have him(which is without doubt anyway) i went a month without seeing him latley cos i was so ill i couldnt handle it.

 

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what a terrible weekned, sun is out, everybody having a great time, apart from me, sat wondering where she is, what shes doing, how my son is, wether her and a new man are doing happy family things like everybody else is, its all just to much. dont know how i can carry on like this???

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