Am I doing the right thing?

[JessieGirl]

I'm going to try and make this as short as possible, because I'd really like some feedback/advice.

 

I've been in a relationship with a guy for a year and 4 months. He's everything I've ever wanted. He's pretty much perfect...

 

But the problem started on our very first date.

I thought we clicked..he made me laugh..we had great conversation..same things in common. He was great...

Then came the "first kiss" and it was horrible. I felt nothing. There was no spark...our friendship chemistry was there, just not a romantic one. At least not for me.

 

But I was blinded by his perfect qualities. I thought that's what I wanted..so I settled. We were together for about 6 months until I couldn't take it anymore.

 

There was just no spark from me...I kept myself from him. I got grossed out at the thought of being intimate with him..there was just no attraction. So I finally broke it off.

 

A month or so later, I was selfish and thought I did the wrong thing. I missed him so much. We talked, and got back together. I thought I missed him as a boyfriend, but what I've come to find out is that I missed his friendship and loyalty. There is just no intimate spark for me...and that's a must for a relationship to work out There MUST be chemistry.

You either feel it or you don't.

And I've never understood that fully until now.

 

And now it's been a year and 4 months...and it finally wore me down again. I couldn't stand hurting him anymore. I was just so distant from him...every kiss was forced..every intimate session we had I only did to please him..I was emotionally checked out. There was never a spark for me. And that was my mistake to keep going on with it.

 

So now I've told him that I'm not ready for long term...He kept bringing up marriage lately, and it really freaked me out. And I told him that.

I'm 19 years old for God's sake.

I'm not ready for long term! And I'm his first girlfriend. Shouldn't he need to experience more people for his own as well?

I've had many boyfriends...but not a serious one like him.

So I know what that spark and chemistry feels like.

With past boyfriends, I could just look at them and instantly want to grab them and kiss them.

I never once had that urge with my current boyfriend...there's something wrong there, yes?

 

Am I doing the right thing by breaking it off? What if I never find someone who treats me as good as he does? I'm so scared...I know it's selfish for me to think like that, but it's just how I feel.

 

Advice please

[AJEDrew7]

I think it would be the right thing to do to break it off. Honestly, could you ever see yourself being together in the long term (and getting married to...) someone without a spark and the physical chemistry between the two of you? Don't settle just because you found a nice guy. You're still young. There will be guys that have both great personalities and that you have a chemistry with. You even said it yourself, there MUST be chemistry for you for a relationship to work out (as is true with almost every person). Since you already know this of yourself, do him the favor by not dragging him along in a relationship that you're clearly not happy with. You are giving him false hopes for a future relationship with him. That's not fair to him. And it isn't fair to you because you aren't HAPPY, which ultimately is the most important thing. You may still be able to be friends in the end (if that's the direction you would both want to go) or you may ultimately have to just end contact with him in general, it just seems to me your love is no more than friendship

[JessieGirl]

Unfortunately I think you're right...

I love him as my best friend..not as a partner for the rest of my life.

 

In a perfect world, I would still be friends with him..

but I know he felt way more deeply than I felt for him..he would never want to be just my friend..

 

But damn it kills me to think he'll never be there again...I love him so much.

I really do.

But in my heart and mind, I'm not losing a boyfriend really..

I'm losing a best friend..

[AJEDrew7]

Its unfortunate that that's what it comes down to...but since you've become very much more than just a best friend to him, you have no other options but to make the choice between possibly losing your best friend and ultimately falling in love with someone else who will become both your best friend and the love of your life (and you'll be HAPPY)...or keep the best friend and stay in an unhappy relationship. Hope for the best and that maybe he'll come around and you two can still be close friends in the end.

[JessieGirl]

Thank you for the advice AJEDrew7

I sure hope we can be friends down the road as well...

It's going to take a long while though for him...

I can just pray for the best.

[SocialStigma]

You're doing the right thing, you can't fake or force physical chemistry, it's either there or it's not. And for you it's not and that isn't going to change, if you continue on in this relationship then you will both be miserable.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

And I'm his first girlfriend. Shouldn't he need to experience more people for his own as well?

 

This is not about him...this is about you who faked a relationship with him for over a year. It is not necessary for someone to sample tons of people before settling down..but it certainly is very important that they settle down with someone who is not faking passion for them. I kind of feel sorry for him that his first relationship was with someone who forced herself to kiss him and pretend passion. I think breaking up with him once and for all is the best course of action. I would also suggest that you forget about being friends with him for the time being until he has had a chance to get over this. He clearly cares about you and he will need some distance in order to deal with the break up.