Why can't I just tell him I love him?

[coco4365]

My boyfriend told me the other night laying in bed that he loved me after a stellar day out, and I didn't say anything just gave him a kiss, right away regretting it. It hurt him and hurt me. He kept saying he couldn't believe it and do i know how much it took for him to say that? And how he felt like an idiot. It was like I crushed his soul and my own at the same time! I wanted to tell him I loved him back, but after the fact it just seemed insincere. I told him I was sorry, that I'm just scared but that doesn't mean anything. It was like I stabbed him in the heart. I want to go back to that moment and change things, but i can't. What can i do to convey my feelings for him? He now thinks I'm not serious about the relationship. We've been seeing each other 8 months-I'd say maybe I'm just too cautious- but the last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt him.

[Unity]

I understand that was not cool, but honestly I think his reaction is also quite immature. It's not automatic that you would say it back and he should have been able to accept that before he told you that he loved you.

 

Just because he's saying it to you doesn't mean that you operate on the same timetable. You have nothing to be sorry for and it was him that completely overreacted.

[DN]

I don't agree that he was being immature or that he over-reacted. Eight months is long enough to know if you love someone or not, especially if you are sleeping with them, and I fully understand why he is hurt. Basically you have put the relationship out of balance and it may take some fence mending before he feels that he hasn't made a mistake in being in a relationship where he loves you but you don't love him.

[Unity]

He has every right to his feelings DN. He should not be making her feel bad for hers.

 

And eight months is NOT enough time for everyone. Some people take at least a year or more. He has the right to break up with her if he thinks she doesn't love him .. but to berate her like that stinks of immaturity.

[DN]

My opinion is that if the OP wants this relationship to last she had better correct the mistake she made and do it fast.

[arcadefire]

Not everyone falls in love on the same timeline, and if he cannot understand that then perhaps you need to have a heart to heart with him. Say that you understand that it takes a lot of courage for him to say it, and at that moment you were so shocked and scared you cannot say it right back. Say that when you say it that you want to mean it, and echoing him right back didn't seem like the right time for you. I hope that he understands that not everyone experiences an "I love you" echo like in the movies.

[HeartGoesOn]

I can certainly see his point, and IMO he has every right to be upset. I'm having a difficult time understanding why it's no problem to sleep with him, yet you're unable to tell him what your true feelings are.

 

I would try to look within myself, and attempt to come up with an answer before, and if he decides to end this.

[misssmithviii]

If you're not on the same page in the relationship then things will get difficult very quickly, and it's not exactly anyone's fault really.

 

I think you need to figure out what exactly you feel for him because in the meantime, he's going to be wondering why you would bother with a relatively long-term relationship out of a really-strong-crush. He's going to want to know how you feel, and I hope you understand how difficult if must've been for him to tell you that he loves you, and for you to be unsure - not even to say you do or you don't but rather the admittance of not even knowing sounds like you're not very self-aware.

 

Once again I think no one's at fault yet I think both could've handled it better - especially you. Indirectly saying "I don't know" to someone professing their deepest feelings for you is quite painful. He was shocked and very hurt - very understandable.

 

You need to figure out if you love him or not, and if you're not sure then you need to go out of your way to do something special for him. If you're serious about the relationship, he needs to know that - best way to do it is to take him out to dinner or anything that shows you really took the time to set something sweet up for him - let him know exactly how you're feeling.

[velvette]

it isn't anyone's fault, really. you can't force love. but when you do feel it, express it grandly! make it up to him, when the time comes naturally. what does it matter, a few more days/weeks/months? he isn't in control of both your feelings, only his. he shouldn't say "I love you" with an expectation. THAT imo makes it insincere. why can't he just be happy with expressing his emotions and finally being brave enough to get it out? it's not like you reacted negatively. just because you didn't respond identically... while his upset is understandable, I think you're handling it better than he is. a fake "I love you" for the sake of it isn't what he's looking for, and if you couldn't say it then you just can't! it's almost like you're having sex, and he cums and is pissed that you didn't yet! (life rule: the faster one must wait for the slower partner--a rabbit can walk along with a turtle but a turtle can not run with the rabbit)

 

but yeah, 8 months is quite a while. let down your guard a bit more, perhaps.

[ellandroader]

You have to be diplomatic on this one and explain to him that you don't want to hurt him, that you know it takes a lot for someone to utter those words and that you respect that. Perhaps you need to have a look at yourself and why your guard is still up so rigidly. If you feel that you love him, try to convey it somehow or just simply tell him that you find it hard to verbally express yourself. At least then he will understand the situation a little more...

[SocialStigma]

I think he overreacted a bit, yes he was hurt because he feels like he loves you while you do not reciprocate now but the point of saying "I love you" to someone isn't so that you can hear it back (though it's understandable that he does want to hear it from you), but just so the person knows how you feel about them. I didn't say "I love you" back to my boyfriend until almost 2 months after he said it. I simply wasn't ready yet and he never pressured me or made me feel bad about it, when he said "I love you" and I didn't say anything, he just kept the conversation moving and continued to say it until one day when I was ready to say it back to him.

 

I would much rather my SO tell me they love me on their own terms when they really do feel it, even if it takes longer. Tell him what you told us, that you're scared and don't say those words easily but that you do feel it.

[citymouse]

I think when the OP leaned over to kiss him, she showed him with her actions that she acknowledged what he said and affirmed it. My b/f and I do this sort of thing all the time..

 

However since this was the first time the words were spoken aloud, the moment was significant and I can see how the b/f's nerves were on edge. He just really wanted to hear those words echoed back to him. So I hope the OP can give him that message loud and clear. On the other hand I hope the b/f doesn't lay a guilt trip on her until she can find her comfort zone here. That would not be healthy for either one of them.