Email After 3 Months of No Contact

[SolitaryMan]

My ex and I were first together over 9 years ago, split up after about a year (due mostly to being young and having trouble communicating), and after a several month long breakup, finally lost contact completely. Last summer, after 7 yrs of NC, she found me online and contacted me. She told me she had never fallen out of love with me or stopped thinking of me since we split up, and I had felt exactly the same. We got back together within a month of reconnecting, and were both extremely happy for several months. Unfortunately, toward the end of last year, we started having problems communicating again. Most of the problems seemed to stem from the fact that I was in the process of ending a long relationship when we got back together, and she was going through a divorce. A few months ago, following a talk I tried to have with her about her seeming to go from being totally in love with me one week to being distant the next, she ended up walking out one night, taking all of the things she had at my apartment and leaving the spare key.

 

I decided to not try to push the issue with her, and let her go (when I had tried "chasing" her during our previous breakup years ago, it had led to months of heartbreak). So after almost 3 months of NC, and following the advice of a few close friends, I decided to email her last week just to let her know I am sorry that things had to end the way they did, that I will always love her and hope she finds something that makes her happy.

 

She replied almost right away. She told me she was not doing well, that losing me has been harder for her this time than it was the last, which she didn't think was even possible. She apologized for things ending the way they did, and said she doesn't understand how two people that are so in love can have so much trouble keeping it together. However, she did admit to having difficulty dealing with her problems, which she said she is working to resolve. She then said she would never forget me and feels "dumb" for even letting me go.

 

I am not sure what to do at this point. As my original email to her did not suggest reconciliation, I don't know if she is simply not saying anything about it for that reason or if she is just letting me know that she hates losing me but knows we can't be together. I hate the idea of losing the love of my life if she is only waiting for me to say something, but I am afraid to try to make any suggestion of getting back together if she isn't open to it.

 

Any opinions/advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you all!

[DN]

Ask if she would like to get together to have a talk about what went wrong and if there is a chance of fixing it.

[lavenderdove]

Yes, you should ask to see her and talk to her... and if the problem is communication, then perhaps you could get a little couples counseling together to learn how to communicate better.

[SolitaryMan]

Thanks, DN. My instinct was to not respond and wait to see if she follows up in any way to suggest that she is interested in reconciling, since she was the one who left and we had been through a similar break-up/make-up about 2 weeks before she walked out. We were both really hesitant to even try to get back together after that one, so I guess I figure she will feel the same way this time. But I guess if I suggest it and she's not open to it, I can at least come away from it saying that I tried. And I guess she wouldn't have mentioned how bad she feels if she didn't expect some kind of response, right?

[SolitaryMan]

Thank you for your advice. I agree with the counseling idea. The strange part about it all is that, after our problems began, I had started to investigate counseling very seriously. But when we had started to work things out, she seemed to think that everything was going so well between us that she didn't think there would be a problem. Within a couple of weeks, she started to get distant and then came the big walk-out. I ended up going to counseling myself for several weeks, and realized that it probably would have made a huge difference.

 

Yes, you should ask to see her and talk to her... and if the problem is communication, then perhaps you could get a little couples counseling together to learn how to communicate better.

[loulou37]

can i ask, have you met other girls since the break up? and how has it felt being with someone else?

[SolitaryMan]

can i ask, have you met other girls since the break up? and how has it felt being with someone else?

 

Hi, loulou, and thanks for the question. I have met a few girls, but have not actually dated or found myself interested in anyone, to be honest. Of course, I knew when my relationship ended that I wouldn't be interested in dating for quite a while. I've enjoyed the attention I've received from girls when I go out, but I just have a hard time imagining it going anywhere. I guess that as much as I tried to accept that my relationship had ended, I still couldn't see myself falling in love with someone else yet.

[SolitaryMan]

So I finally decided to send a quick reply to her. I couldn't quite bring myself to just come right out to propose getting together to talk things out or anything like that, but I didn't want to just leave things hanging with her last email about how miserable she is feeling being apart. I ended up just saying that I am glad to hear she is working on dealing with her problems better, and commented that it did play a part in how things ended with us. I then mentioned that if she truly feels "dumb" for letting me go, that perhaps there is a "smarter" option that she could consider. That is pretty much all I said, aside from letting her know that I do still love her.

 

I know I could have been more upfront, but I guess there is a part of me that figures that she's the one who left, so I should just give her the hint that she does have the option, and that I am here if she decides she really doesn't want to lose us. (She tends to be the type who takes things to extremes, and probably feels like I have turned my back on her because she left the way she did.) I haven't heard a response since writing last night, so I'm a bit on pins and needles, but I had convinced myself that I needed to respond to her last email in some way or another.

 

Should I have been more upfront about it, or does my hint about having other options do enough to make her see that I am still interested? Curious to know what you all think.

[lavenderdove]

>>I then mentioned that if she truly feels "dumb" for letting me go, that perhaps there is a "smarter" option that she could consider.

 

Actually, she may be scratching her head wondering what that means, as in, are you calling her dumb for leaving? are you suggesting that it was 'smart' to let you go and hence she shouldn't feel that way, are you suggesting that rather than feeling dumb a smarter option is to forget it and start dating other people?

 

She could read a lot of other 'smarter options' than feeling dumb, not just the option you are thinking of. She can't read your mind, and it isn't a good idea to be vague with someone you're not really communicating with.

 

I suggest you just call her and talk about it. Tell her you're still interested. The worst that will happen is she says no, and then you know for sure and can get on with your life. If she says yes, then good, you can start dating.

[Tangz]

Yeah + 1 to having a good talk about it. Maybe give it some time give her a chance to reply, if nothing well then you should suggest that you guys should SERIOUSLY work on the problems (counselling as suggested)

[SolitaryMan]

@Lavenderdove: Can't tell you how much I appreciate your input on this. When I replied to my ex's comment regarding how she felt "dumb" for letting me go, I took for granted that it would be obvious what I meant (that she had the option of trying to work things out between us). After sending it, though, I started to have the same concerns you expressed here. Great point about not being too vague under the circumstances.

 

Thanks again. You have been really helpful.

[SolitaryMan]

Yeah + 1 to having a good talk about it. Maybe give it some time give her a chance to reply, if nothing well then you should suggest that you guys should SERIOUSLY work on the problems (counselling as suggested)

 

Tangz, thanks so much for your comments. I agree, I think I will give it a little time to see if she replies, and then decide how to approach it based on that. She may be confused about the meaning of my last response, or may just need some time to sort out her feelings before responding.

 

I think I'm opting not to push too much at the moment because I'm still sorting out my own feelings on it all. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone, and we have a lot of history together, but her back-and-forth behavior toward the end of the relationship and her decision to walk out the way she did are probably causing me to put more of the decision on her. Maybe that is not the right way to go about it, but I am a bit afraid of dragging things out if she isn't ready.

 

If we somehow do get back together, I will definitely be looking into counseling. Thanks again for your advice.

[SolitaryMan]

UPDATE:

 

After 10 days since my last email, she wrote back the other day. She apologized for the delay, but said she's been busier at work and needed to get her thoughts together. Ultimately, she didn't have much to say that was unlike her previous email, basically saying how she is really hurt by losing me and doesn't understand why things ended the way they did, but mentioned that she can't "go through it again" and gave some details about how hard it has been for her since we split up. She said she has had trouble eating and sleeping, and had even lost some friends over it. I can only assume that her comment about not going through it again is a response to my comment about having another option instead of letting me go, but she didn't really elaborate. She even mentioned at one point that she didn't really know the point of her email, other than to let me know she hates losing me and still thinks of me all the time. She ended it saying she hopes I have a good day, and she will always love me.

 

There were a few things I found odd about it, most notably the fact that the whole email seemed to be a pity party for herself, without accepting any real responsibility for how things ended. There were several mentions of how she "lost me," which seems to downplay the fact that she actually walked out. She also mentioned that she wanted to write more but couldn't because work has been so busy, but my thought is that if she really wanted to sit and write an appropriate response, she should take the time at home to do it, if she isn't going to just pick up the phone and call.

 

So anyway, I couldn't take the whole thing very seriously given that it wasn't much different than the last email, except that she was taking even less responsibility and seemed to have no suggestions, only questions ("why did it all have to end this way?" etc.) I replied, but only to say that I respect her decision to leave, though I don't understand it, as well as her decision to not go through it all again. I did tell her I love her again, and said that if she ever decides she wants to talk, to call me.

 

I feel like I've said what I need to say, and if she wants anything to happen, it will be up to her. I just don't understand someone who is so miserable being apart, feeling like she has made a huge mistake letting someone go, not simply taking some initiative to make things right. It was a big step for me to even write her after 3 months of NC, so I guess I just expected a little more effort from her.

 

That's all for now, but I appreciate any feedback anyone might have. Thanks again to all who have provided advice and support to me here for the past few months. I certainly appreciate it all.

[DN]

I think your reply was good and puts the ball squarely back in her court if she wants to do anything. But don't assume she will.

[Carus]

Last summer, after 7 yrs of NC, she found me online and contacted me.

Amazing!

 

Stay Strong Bro

K2*