Pink Lady.

[holdingon]

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15th May 2010.

 

Welcome home Jess you beautiful girl. You kept us waiting all day, but we don’t mind a bit. The atmosphere was truly something special. We are so proud. Do you understand how many people love you? Every single person was there for you. Thousands and thousands of souls who wanted to share in your journey. Your spirit and determination are above anything anyone could have ever dreamed of for a little girl. It is such a cliché, but you have truly given me that pushed I needed to get back on my feet and find my way home. You have sparked that determination in me again. I was only thinking recently about what it means to be a hero. I came accross this beautiful poem a while back and I think it stresses the importance of really knowing and loving yourself first, sometimes you do have to look inward. We love you!

 

Maybe sometimes you have to stop waiting for someone to come along and fix what’s wrong

Maybe you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and realise that no one else has the answer

Maybe sometimes you have to be your own

Hero.

[holdingon]

May 16th 2010.

 

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My two b-ellas.

 

Welcome to the world darling. I love you already. I should have known things wouldn’t go as planned. Nothing ever does. I can’t say it was a nice start to your time on earth, but you are not short of love. Thank god you are safe. And your Mama, I couldn’t bear to lose her. Your arrival has really made me reflect on the fragility of life and how important it is to cherish the people that you love. If they didn’t get your mama into theatre on time, would I be happy with our last moments together? In all honesty the answer is no. I have not been the source of strength that I could have been to her in the last year. I regret that Bubba. She has gone to the end of the earth for me and my existence. It is my honest belief that I would not be writing these words if I didn’t have her beside me these last couple of years. The love and loyalty that she has shown me is beyond anything I could ever have asked for. How did I get so lucky? I want the world for you. I want you to chase your dreams and never give up. I want you to reach for the stars and hold your head up high, I want you to fall in love and travel and live with this untouchable joy in your heart. Never forget that we love you and we always will.

 

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat

But always keep that hunger

May you never take one single breath for granted

God forbid love ever leave you empty handed

I hope you still feel small

When you stand beside the ocean

Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens

Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

 

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

 

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Living might mean taking chances

But they're worth taking

Loving might be a mistake

But it's worth making

Don't let some hell bent heart

Leave you bitter

When you come close to selling out

Reconsider

Give the heavens above

More than just a passing glance

 

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

 

 

My other Ella. My Ella Bella. You are the most beautiful person in my life. Sometimes I feel that you know so much more than we do. Your wonder and your joy bring happiness to my life every single day. You don’t need big fancy houses, or cars, or a million toys, or approval. You don’t compete or worry or feel fear. It doesn’t bother you if you’re dirty or messy or we make mistakes. I can’t wait to continue to watch you grow up. I can’t wait to see what you like and don’t like, what you have talent in, what makes you happy, where you want your life to go. You are truly special and we love you more than you will ever know.

 

With clouds as mean as you've ever seen

And a world that knows your tune

Then a little voice inside you whispers,

Kid, don't sell your dreams so soon.

 

Everywhere you look,

Everywhere you go

There's a heart

A hand to hold onto.

Everywhere you look,

Everywhere you go

There's a place,

Of Somebody who needs you

 

When you're lost out there and you're all alone,

A light is waiting to carry you home.

[holdingon]

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I am feeling pretty lost right now. I don't trust myself anymore. I know certain people would disagree but I have definitely felt like a failure lately. Sometimes I feel like I am alone in these feelings but I only have to look around to see they aren't unique. So many people are struggling. Two big questions are on my mind. How do I make it better? + How do I find my way forward?

[holdingon]

I have hair to wash and brush and style.

I have pretty smelling shampoo.

I have nice moisturisers and soaps.

I have toothpaste.

I have hot water.

I have bubble bath.

I have clean towels.

I have plumbing.

I can hear, smell, touch and see.

I have hope.

I have faith.

I have uniqueness.

I have positivity.

I have fingers to type.

I have thoughts.

I have dreams.

I have warm blankets.

I have love.

I have a beautiful niece and eyes to see her, ears to hear her laugh, arms to cuddle her, a mouth for kisses.

I have cooking skills.

I have bank accounts.

I have half a degree.

I have healthy skin.

I have beautiful sunny days.

I have beautiful rainy days.

I have a swimming pool.

I have a mum.

I have a dad.

I have a friend.

I have a warm fire.

I have compassion.

I am caring.

I am giving.

I have my HSC.

I have clean water.

I have fresh air.

I have beautiful music.

I have a license.

I have a car to drive.

I have the ability to try again through revised eyes.

I have the ability to learn.

I have the ability to reflect.

I have the ability to grow.

I have a healthy body.

I have a healthy weight.

I have legs to run.

I have an imagination.

I have the internet.

I have a mobile phone.

I have a best friend.

I have 2 beautiful sisters.

I have one loving brother.

I have my journal.

I have nice teeth.

I can smile.

I can make someone happy.

I have happy tears.

I am alive.

I am breathing.

I am young.

I have a passport.

I live in the most beautiful country in the world.

I’ve felt the sand in my toes.

I have felt my heart break.

I have felt relief.

I have grown from pain.

I have a warm jumper and socks.

I can fill my hunger.

I can try again.

I have freedom.

I live in a peaceful place.

My family is healthy.

I’ve smelt a pretty flower.

I have memories.

I’ve ran in the rain.

I’ve made a child laugh.

I’ve fed chips to the seagulls.

I’ve played on a playground.

I have photos.

I have a camera to capture great moments.

I have cutlery.

I have books.

I have bookstores.

I can watch great movies at the cinema.

I have been to a gold class cinema.

I have crushes.

I admire.

I seek.

I have positivity.

I can see the bigger picture.

I have been on picnics.

I have pets.

I grew up in a safe home with 2 parents.

I have secrets.

Water fights.

The smell of summer.

Red iceblocks in summer.

Hot milo in winter.

Tears at my sisters wedding.

Pride.

Confidence.

High heels.

Summer dresses.

Scarfes.

Traffic lights.

Sky scrapers.

Hand eye coordination.

Maps.

The ocean.

Shells.

I am going to Bali.

I am going to Japan.

I am thoughtful.

I have been on airplanes.

I have performed.

I have been on stage.

I have graduated.

I have been hugged.

I have had sleepovers.

I have laughed till I cried.

I have been on the phone for hours.

I’ve ridden a horse.

I have been on the radio.

I can ride a bike.

I’ve been to a concert.

I have plenty of time.

I am creative.

I am thankful.

I can scrapbook.

Mix cd’s.

I have slid down a slide.

I have been to a theme park.

I have splashed water on my face on the hottest day.

I have been looked after.

I have looked after myself.

I am brave.

I have ridden the Ferris wheel.

I have drunk too much.

I am funny.

Mascara.

Imperfections.

Gratitude.

Text messaging.

Skype.

Alone time.

Candles.

Sushi.

Sister and brother in laws.

Parties.

Baby showers.

The smell of new babies.

The wonder in a childs eyes.

Hopscotch.

I live in nature.

I have pens to write with.

I have a voice to speak with.

How great food tastes when im hungry.

Football games.

Newspapers.

Tim Tams.

Cold glasses of milk.

Christmas hats.

Christmas trees.

Christmas lights.

Christmas songs.

Singing.

Glitter

Sydney.

Sunglasses.

Jewellery.

Markets.

Fresh fruit.

Public transport

I have never been in hospital

The bricks that make up my home.

The love that makes my home.

Gelato.

A dogs tail wagging

Overhearing conversations

I have been on a train.

Salted cashews.

Fast food.

Pumpkin soup.

Meditation.

Trashy tv shows.

Painting.

Creating.

Spring.

Feeling organised.

Fate.

Clear blue skies.

Making a perfect park.

Speeding

Debit cards.

Self serve checkouts.

Trust.

Loyalty.

Research for cancer

Not having cancer.

Being the bigger person.

Letting go.

Sitting up straight.

Honesty.

The smell of barbeques.

Heros- Sophie Delezio.

Restaurants.

Silence.

People who never change.

Growing up.

Never giving up.

Councilors.

Pjs.

Ugg boots.

Stars.

Clear nights.

Gay friends

Taxis

Birthday cake.

The possibility in the future.

[holdingon]

*****. What the **** am I going to do?

[holdingon]

Somewhere deep inside, somethings got a hold on you. It's pushing me aside, see it stretch on forever. I know I'm right, for the first time in my life, that's why I tell you, you'd better be home soon.

It would cause me pain, if we were to end it. But I could, start again. You can depend on it.

[holdingon]

How many people are in pain at the moment? I think its so sad and I think that people have become really good at keeping it to themselves. I don't see the point in bringing people down for the hell of it. It's like people get off on it and it makes me sick. Does it really matter what someone looks like or what their differences are. I hate that the answer is yes for alot of people in this world. What small small people.

On a happier note, Bali is booked, I have the most amazing, genuine people left in my life, and I am healthy. I refuse to let other peoples disgusting attitudes bring me down.

[holdingon]

So much can change in a few hours. I feel like I am not supposed to be here anymore. It's not really something I can explain it's just this gut feeling that I don't belong. Something isn't right and I'm completely lost as to what to do about it. I feel like I can't fight something that is so much a part of me. Sometimes if I write and write and write either here or on paper or I relax enough it starts to get clearer but it never completely goes away. I feel like there is one person I am worried about if I wasn't here tomorrow. I love her with all my heart and I need her to be okay. But I know she wouldn't be. So what am I supposed to do? I can't be this way anymore. I can't put people through this. I feel so strongly that the right decision is to end it. Up until this point I guess I was still kind of on the edge. Sometimes I would get these really strong feelings that I was supposed to do it and lately they have got more frequent until it's constantly on my mind. Im just scared. Scared that I don't know where I am going and scared that I don't really know what I am going to leave behind. I guess none of it matters in the end.

[holdingon]

I decided that yesterday I needed a pick me up. A treat. Something, ANYTHING to pull my mind out of the state that it was in. So I decided to buy a book. This book saved my life yesterday. They say that from little things big things grow. Reading this book was like planting this little seed in my heart, or lighting this tiny fire inside of me. I was unsure of how long it would last, it IS just a book. But I held onto the feeling and this morning it was still there. Not so strong, but still there. Her writing is so honest and so heartfelt, she holds absoulutely nothing back. Imagine putting your soul in a book and then sending it out into the world. I can relate to every word. I'm kind of nervous to finish it, it's pulled me out of suicide for christ sake, that is pretty powerful. I can't wait to see how it ends. Sometimes there IS really joy in the little things.

[holdingon]

Shoot me? I do not want to be here.

[holdingon]

There are moments in my life when I feel like my spirit is tapping my heart to remind me just why I still mortally exist.

[holdingon]

So the next one came with a bag of treats,

She smelled like sugar and spoke like the sea

She told me don't, trust them trust me.

Then she pulled at my stitches one by one,

Looked at my insides clicking her tongue,

 

And said "This will all have to come undone".

 

A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle,

She tried to blunt me so I'd fit.

 

And doesn't that sound familiar?

Doesn't that hit too close to home?

Doesn't that make you shiver;

the way things could have gone?

And doesn't it feel peculiar,

that everyone wants a little more?

So that I do remember to never go that far,

Could you leave me with a scar?

 

I think I realized just in time,

about my old self was hard to find.

You can bathe me in your finest wine but I'll never give you mine.

'Cos I'm a little bit tired of fearing that

I'll be the bad fruit nobody buys,

Tell me, did you think we'd all dream the same?

[holdingon]

I saw the funniest pictures of E yesterday with her little friend. I can't believe how fast she's growing up. She's such a happy little thing and brings so much happiness to my life. I can't wait until I can talk to her on the phone and talk to her about her day and hear the funny little things she thinks, I miss her. I got a couple of hours alone with her the other week. No sharing! We had so much fun. I got some videos and they make me smile. She even knows what a bum does! thanks J. Does she have any idea how loved she is?

 

K is coming on Friday. I don't know whether she likes me as I am a replica of my sister and she openly hates her. But we get along anyway, if she doesn't like me she keeps it to herself. I feel like shes a bit judgemental sometimes but B is coming too. I don't know anyone with a bigger heart than B.

 

L comes home next week. I am so nervous! Will she be different? I guess I am different in alot of ways too though..we'll see. Maybe she will be different in a good way.

 

Bali is coming so quick! I think waiting is more exciting than the actual trip. Fingers crossed I feel better for it.

 

I am so nervous for this internship. Especially since I have been having doubts about whether I should be doing this with my life. But I can't see the future. I think apart from anything it will be a great experience, and will get me some experience which will be helpful. I can't say that i'm the only one in this situation. It's tough at the moment. I am so grateful for how well I have done so far. I was keen for Law next semester then had a look at the schedule. I changed my mind pretty quick. Or was that the easy way out? With Bali though and everything else I have to manage, I doubt it would have been successful. I am pretty happy with what I chose. I am determined to be organised! So determined! Otherwise I'll never get away to see E.

 

Me and C are going to the movies today when she checks her shifts. I can't wait to see it, it's the movie of my childhood! I know every word to the first one. She's so beautiful. Her and her brothers. The nicest people I know I think. Hopefully things will look up.

[holdingon]

And the sun just came out for the first time in a week. Thankgod!

[holdingon]

So R is ignoring me. I don't know what I did to deserve it. Or am I being needy? I need a way out of here. Out of this dark place. How do I it? Who can I trust to do it with me?

[holdingon]

Maybe I should start writing about everything that's happened in detail? It's kind of scary because I guess there is alot inside that I don't like. Well here goes, Part 1.

 

So I was a mistake. A new years eve baby. I was the last child of the family, born years and years after my brother and sisters. I hear stories about families who are so close. These storybook families where the mother and father love each other and the children grow up together, share, go on family trips, support one another. Do they really exsist?

We did grow up with good intentions. They WANTED to love us and I guess they do, but I wonder how differently my life would have turned out if I was emotionally able to express myself and trust them without being judged or laughed at. I wonder how different my life would have been if my sister had been family orientated. Or if we had been born closer together. If we grew up a year or two apart. If we ALL grew up a year or two apart? I guess you could call it a lonely childhood. Is that why I am in this situation? I know the answer is no. Maybe it played a small part but it's not the sole reason.

 

You know what's sad? Seeing my friends have children and the love that they express for those children. Recording all the little moments and taking millions of photos and the joy that they bring. The feelings they have written down about pregnancy for when they have their own children, the feelings on anticipation and excitement. I asked my mum once what she felt when she found out she was having another child. She remembers nothing. She doesn't remember a single thing about my childhood or doesn't care enough to tell me. What was I like? What was our home like? Where have I come from? Who looked after me? Did they love me? What were my favourite things? What were we all like as a family?

 

The first thing that I do know is that when I was 10 months old L came into my life. I call it fate.

[holdingon]

I'm still not sure about the whole fate and destiny thing. I do see the good that can come out of horrible situations, I can see that they do serve some sort of purpose. But really, with the horrible things that happen, how can anyone be expected to survive these sort of things? Sometimes I feel like I have felt enourmous amounts of pain and that it really can't get worse. It DOES. The things that people experience in this world, I don't know how it can be fate for them to live with so much trauma for the rest of their lives, or take their lives, or lose their lives. So in that way, I don't believe in fate. Sometimes calling it fate is just a way of dealing with things, and i'm not saying thats wrong, its really admirable to believe in something so passionately. Then beautiful things happen and you think to yourself, this was ALWAYS meant to be, and you know in your heart its true. I know I will keep experiencing this in my life and it does give me some sort of comfort to believe in something that means everything will be okay, its all working out for the bigger picture, you don't have to worry about the future. Thats good enough for me at the moment.

 

'Fate' was meeting L. My mum put this add in the paper for her babysitting. Meanwhile K was looking for someone to mind L, and BAM. She answers the add, drops L at the house and seals the fate of our lives for the next 20 years. How can I thank her enough for making that decision? The amount of happiness that girl has brought to my life! Sure things are changing, but I guess it was always going to eventually. I can accept it. It doesnt change the fact that we have shared EVERYTHING together. I said before it was lonely growing up with the huge age gap between my siblings, she kind of made that okay. We grew up like sisters but without the hassle of the fighting and living together. I get teary thinking about it. I don't think anyone makes me laugh more than that girl. I am so grateful for our friendship. I am going to write down a bunch of funny things I remember in detail for each year of our life as a pick me up for later.

 

The first thing I remember explains our friendship perfectly! We were playing on the swings and she fell. I saw the blood and panicked. She calmly told me between tears to get her mum. Me get her mum? I was so shy! I could barely talk to my own parents let alone approach someone who was almost a stranger. Maybe I just didn't want to get into trouble? I stalled. 'GET MY MUM NOW!'. I saw she was in pain, forgot everything and ran into that house quick smart and me and her mum got her a bandaid. It is exactly how our friendship is today. When shes in pain, I'm there. When I'm in pain she's there, within minutes, even if its only over a phone line. I would do anything and everything for that girl. She has also taught me to face my fears. The amount of things we've done together, and grown through together by encourging each other I could not count. Sometimes not even encouraging each other, but the healthy competiveness that comes from growing up together. It forces you to step outside your shell, to achieve and not be left behind. It's fair to say she will always be one of the best friends I have.

 

Back to the present, yesterday was probably the best day i have had in weeks. Months maybe. I caught up with M. I hadn't seen her in 2 months or so. Our friendship NEVER changes. How lucky am I? We acted like 10 year olds and you know what, it was exactly what I needed. The last couple of weeks have been so serious and sad and scary and exhausting. I feel older than I am. I see people my age without a care in the world when I'm living with the weight of this. I'm okay with it though. I know that when its over I will be a better, stronger person. I will love deeper, appreciate life more than most, and have the tools to hold happiness for the rest of my life.

 

I just thought about next writing the two biggest things in my life so far and I literally got goosebumps and felt naueous. It's hard enough writing it here, how am I going to sit face to face with a shrink and be honest?

[holdingon]

Could it be the world's gone colder?

Baby, I'm a losing soul

The more I try it just gets harder

And my pain is getting old

Somebody said that nothing lasts forever

Just the storm so I've been told

But it seems that when it rains it pours

 

And you know the rain won't last forever

And you know the storm won't always flow

But if the sun don't shine forever

You gotta let it go

 

Sometimes my burdens get so heavy

And it seems too hard to bear

Sometimes I feel so empty

And it feels like no one's there

Somebody said that nothing lasts forever

Just the storm so I've been told

But it seems that when it rains it pours

 

And you know the rain won't last forever

And you know the storm won't always flow

But if the sun don't shine forever

You gotta let it go.

[holdingon]

Call me a safe bet, i'm betting i'm not.

[holdingon]

I feel like im doing the wrong thing with my life. Then I think thats just because I have put such enourmous expectations on myself. The people closest to me are working at a factory, a dentist and as a waitress. Everybody is struggling, why am I so hard on myself?

[holdingon]

This hurts so much. I am so ready for a change. I can't stop people screwing me over but I can change how I react to it, how open I am, how long I hold it against them, who I trust. I'm sad and he isn't here to make it better. But I guess I can make it better for myself.

[holdingon]

So I was made to feel guilty for not being open enough. So what do I do? I open up, wrote this HUGE email including how I felt about a certain person, and still haven't heard back. Seriously, whats with the mind games? What would someone get out of manipulating someone for their own benefit? I don't think they realise how smart or strong I am. And whats with people being so shallow??? I don't get it. It keeps happening. I don't want to be around people with such a narrow mindset. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to feel unsure. I am so nervous about today and tomorrow. Stepping out of my comfort zone big time.

[holdingon]

Best two days!

Being open sometimes and out there really pays off. I lay my cards on the table and it so happened that it was exactly the right thing to do. Very very successful two days in terms of relationships.

Went for my second licence test today, could of gone for it in March and waited this long. Passed and upgraded my restrictions and can drive faster, more passengers etc.

Pretty happy about it.

I think it might work out. I don't want to jinx it but it looks as though everything might be okay. Of course there will be hard days but I feel better.

Working all day today then seeing E tomorrow! I miss her so much. Coming home Sunday then seeing L : ) And catching up on all my classes. In a very very content mood.

[holdingon]

Recently I’ve been doing alot of thinking, probably more than I should have. I wasn’t keen on talking about my problems to anyone, & opted for the ‘neg’n’ tweet instead. I was evaluating myself, my life, my past, future, mistakes, options & possible decisions. Ive come to the simple conclusion that I’m going to start making some drastic changes to my life. I definitely need to. Getting people out of my life, letting new ones in, thinking outside of the square & broadening myself from just this circle. I’ve been living an unhealthy life, both physically & mentally, for far too long. I became someone I despise in just a short few months. It wasn’t me, & I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ve dealt with the consequences, & will continue to do so. But i’ve got my foot hard on the brakes before I lose myself completely. Some people probably won’t like the changes I’m about to make, but I’m sick of leading a life where I try so hard to just please the people around me. Excited for the idea of something new.

[holdingon]

I know you don't want me

Don't wanna hear me crying

But I cant help myself this time

What's the right way

The way to say goodbye

These tears I cry are filled with pride

Everyone has come to celebrate this life

There's so much love right here

They will never take the place you leave behind

 

Now you're gone

I stand here proud

Though I'll never see your face again

I'm surrounded by your grace

Can't you hear me calling out your name

Somehow this doesn't seen real

I'll only see you In my dreams

Now you re gone

 

I know you had a good life

It doesn't make it any easier

I guess we all gotta fly someday

The lessons you gave me

I'll remember forever

Until the day I die

Everyone has come to celebrate this life

There's so much love right here

They will never take the place you leave behind.