3 Months gone already (long post sorry)

[paulod]

Hello All!

Can’t believe it’s just passed the 3 month mark since my ex called it quits!! Doesn’t seem that long ago really, even though I can kind of remember wishing I could just close my eyes and when I awoke I’d be months/years down the line and be over it. (If that had happened where would the personal growth have come from??)

 

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching over the last few months, once the initial shock of being dumped subsided a bit ,I was really able to focus on things that happened, mistakes I made, how I can grow and be a better person for today and for the future

 

If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you’ll know there was trust issues, which led to all sorts of problems (due to me not telling the whole story/lying/keeping things from my ex). Wrong move on my part, lesson learned for next time!!!

 

Since being single I’ve realised just how much I’ve neglected my own life for the past couple of years! Neglected my house, my friends, my own inner well being, and my bills! Spent so long wanting to be with her and being care free (she has no responsibilities, still at home with mum and dad…no bills to pay at all!) that I’d totally forgot about my own responsibilities until it was almost too late!

 

I ended up at the lowest point end of last year, tried to sort our problems all at once,all by myself and couldn’t, it resulted in me losing who I am and I became the opposite of me, clingy, needy, trying to control her every move, wanting to know where she was, who she was with, where’d she been, started drinking very heavy, constant calling/texting her, became very paranoid, became very jealous of the people she spent her time with as it wasn’t me….I think I had a mini breakdown due to constant stress with our problems in the relationship. She’d lost all respect for me, I’d lost my self respect, hated myself for putting us through all of this

 

Fastforward to May..

I am more calm and relaxed now, do not drink as much, I can identify if I’m starting to drink too much and will stop…hey who needs to be drunk to have a good time eh, am also happier when I drink, don’t get into a dark mood now (guess that was to do with the stress I was under,am no longer constantly walking on egg shells, no longer trying to please her all the time

 

Am looking after my house, it’s gone from being a place for me to crash to a place I’m beginning to feel comfy in, it’s clean, tidy, am taking pride in it (pity my lodger lives like a messy pup..grrrr!!!) and It’s up for sale (I want that whole chapter in my life left in the past where it belongs so can fully start afresh then)

 

Am slowly but surely taking care of the credit card debt that I allowed to mount up, spent so long burying my head in the sand, I’m now realising just how bad things could have got!

 

Am no longer blaming myself for everything, I tried my hardest to rectify everything but at that time, I couldn’t do it, I didn’t have the means to. The relationship was 50/50 so yes I made mistakes but so did she. We should have sat down and talked instead of pushing everything to the back of our minds until every now and then (when we’d both been out drinking together) BOOM we exploded because of the underlying tension, that was stupid of us, we’re adults not kids, we should have respected each other more.

 

I’ve got my self respect back too, for too long I hated myself, hated what I was becoming , hated that I couldn’t fix us and make us right again, hated that nothing was going right for us…I took on too much, I couldn’t possibly fix anything in that state of mind, I was a stressed out mess. I’ve started to forgive now. Am more at peace with everything (it is still very hard though)

Time does seem to be weaving its magic little web, things are falling into place even though I can’t see the full picture :

 

Examples : if we were still together, I’d STILL be drinking loads, stressed, still be that idiot guy I was near the end, she’d be stressed out with a million and one things going on in her head and we’d be in not a very good place at all!! We’d have probably ended up hating each other at the end of it and I’d hate to think of us being like that.

I’m becoming the old me again (with improvements of course!!) and I’m feeling happy! It’s hard but I’ll get there

 

Being by myself gives me a chance to sort out MY future properly, without having to deal with what happened in my past as well. I can focus on what needs to be done for the long term.

 

Financially long term I would have been in real trouble if I’m honest! And if we’d moved in together or I’d moved to the city as planned I dread to think how we’d have been effected!

 

So I’m getting a chance to finally sort myself out before it’s too late…maybe I have a weird guardian angel looking over me who likes to make me work for my happiness

 

Do I miss her?? Yes, every day, do I love her?? Yes, with all my heart ,I honestly thought she’d be the one I’d spend the rest of my life with, but I couldn’t keep clinging on like I was, I suffocated her, she needs to be happy and if she’s not happy with me then so be it…I'd reather see her happy on her own or with someone else than be sad and down with me.

I got to let her go as hard and sad as it is. We both have our own issues that need to be sorted out individually, we can’t fix each other it doesn’t work like that.

 

Do I need her?? Nope! One thing I have realised is, I do not NEED to be with her, she does not make me happy, I make me happy!! I won’t die/be crippled/get the plague/be an outcast if we’re no longer together, was happy before, I’ll never forget or stop loving her but I will be happy again. Having said that… I would however like her to be with me in the future, once all the mess is sorted out, as she is the one I’d love to spend the rest of my life with . But if it’s not ment to be, then it’s not ment to be! Maybe there will be someone else out there who will share my life further on down the road (or maybe I’ll just be single for rest of my life…who knows?) But for now I got to sort out my own stuff before anything else happens

 

Would like to write her a letter one day, just to say the things I should have said to her when we were together, apologise about the way I acted at the end ( I shudder to think…I was a totally different person those months ago )

To let her know just how much she did mean to me (she thought she ment nothing to me,was second best..but nothing could be further from the truth) but that is a bit of a way off yet I think, just got to keep doing what I’m doing, keep improving and healing and I’ll get there in the end!!

 

Thanks for reading

[blueeyedme]

I became the opposite of me, clingy, needy, trying to control her every move, wanting to know where she was, who she was with, where’d she been, started drinking very heavy, constant calling/texting her, became very paranoid, became very jealous of the people she spent her time with as it wasn’t me

 

This is exactly what happened to me - except for the drinking. The love of my life got sick of it and turned her back a week ago cutting all communication. Funny how something like that shocks you into seeing what you had become. I hope for an opportunity to reconcile but every day that passes it seems less likely.

[paulod]

Yeah it is a total eye opener when you come to your senses bud, think of it,would you like to be treated like that? I know I wouldn't! some of my friends are shocked when I tell them what sort of a mess I'd became, and some saw me almost every day but no one knew? its only now when they see me now do they look back and see a difference (physically mostly, more fresh looking,brighter,less bloated, less stressed looking) I didn't realise just how bad I was until we'd split,I stepped back and took a good look at myself, that was rock bottom for me, seems I had to lose myself so I was able to find myself again if that makes sense?? I'm mentally so much stronger now, I was just so emotionally worn out by everything at the end it all just caught up with me.

 

Best thing you can do for now mate is to give her lots of space, and let her contact you when she's ready, You need to go and figure out why you were like that and work on sorting that out before you think about sorting anything else out. Use the time apart to go work on yourself and improve.

How long were you like that for???

[blueeyedme]

Thank god it's not too late. We are talking again and she is going to give me a chance to work on my issues. There are a hundred reasons why any relationship ends and if that happens I can deal with it because it would be a 'real' reason - not one that I make up in my head because of some unresolved jealousy issues.

[adamt]

it's amazing and frightening how quick the time goes if you stay busy. I'm just about at the 12 month mark now. I've hardly given myself time breath in that time. I've changed so much as a person. I rarely watch tv anymore, i go to the gym 3-4 times a week, lost weight, not as patient as i used to be,set myself some physical targets like walking 40 miles, taken up some sports. basically fill my time to stop myself sitting about and thinking.

 

i do still have down days or moments when i start to think.I try to shake myself out of it. I'm still scarred,find it hard to watch sad films.been on a couple of dates, sadly the ones i liked didnt materialise. i'll keep plugging away. now its just a matter of finding someone else and i wont give up hope. i know as soon as i meet someone else the ex will be forgotten. although she didnt cheat on me I don't think I can ever forgive her for what i've been through in last 12 months. I jsut hope it has all happened for a reason and something great is around the corner

[anu1560]

I don't think I can ever forgive her for what i've been through in last 12 months. I jsut hope it has all happened for a reason and something great is around the corner

 

I couldn't forgive my first ex for long long time. I did forgive him after I went to another relationship which made me happy. Well I am broken up again though. So eventually you will forgive her. Once you find the right person, your ex will really not matter. Its been four years since I broke up with my first love. It took me 4 years actually to forgive him. But I did. Makes you feel very light once you do that. Its as if you had a heavy load in your back and you have just put that load down for good. It feels very relieved. I am actually in a position where I can now be friends with my first ex. And believe me, he hurt me so bad that I could hardly function. I was depressed for 2 years. Had to even take medications. But then I met a wonderful guy. And everything slowly got better. By the way, this wonderful boyfriend also broke up with me. Somehow I am not able to hate him. Because he is actually a wonderful guy. I messed it up. Was not completely my fault though. But yes, you will forgive at some point.

[adamt]

i don't think i can ever be a friend with an ex. even if i am over them. I dont see the point. A friend is someone you want to spend time with and have a good time. an ex would be more of an acquaintance. you may say hello if you saw them and thats about it.