Don't know what to do anymore

[guidedbylights]

Hi all, I'm sorry if this is a little long, I'll try not to go into too much detail. Anyway, my girlfriend of 3 years has some confidence and self esteem issues (well, so she says - I'll get to that). She has these issues because of her sister, who belittled her and made her think horrible things about herself when she was already depressed - she kept calling her fat when she was normal weight, which made her near anorexic.

 

Anyway. When we got together at 17 we both never had a partner before (both virgins too), and we seemed to be really made for each other. Although at the time she was very self conscious, she wouldn't mind kissing/making out although that's as far as it would go, and that was fine - I didn't want to rush things. All this time I noticed how truly disgusting her sister is - she'd made snide remarks about her and made her scared to even go out of the house some days. Since then, she's moved out luckily.

 

Anyway, we began to enjoy sexual activity (not intercourse mind, although we've done it she found it too painful, although it'd always be in the dark so I can't see anything, which I understood because of her self esteem, although I'd always tell her how much I think her body's beautiful.

 

Now, I have no idea how things have become like they are. Whenever I stay over hers, she just wants to go on Facebook/watch TV then go to sleep - if I kiss her, I usually just get pushed away. I've tried without luck asking her what's wrong, although I sometimes get 'I'm tired' which obviously isn't the actual reason - I've said to her why don't we go to sleep earlier, but that doesn't happen.

 

We last had sex over a year ago, and even then she didn't seem to enjoy it all, same with any other sexual activities - it just seems like a chore for her. This has had the effect of making my self confidence and my self esteem go down the drain - all I can picture in my head is her being disgusted at me. I hate even looking at myself in the mirror or looking at photos of myself without getting down and angry at myself. She says that this is just because of her confidence and self esteem, but I just can't believe this. I've told her about how I feel, but she thinks I'm lying because I don't always seem it...thing is, I hide it because I don't want to be seen as just miserable.

 

While I'm not a sex maniac, I do miss being intimate with my girlfriend but that's only a small issue compared to how we are with each other - we seem more like family or friends rather than a couple, and I hate it.

 

Problem is, talking to her is nigh on impossible. She either totally blanks what I'm saying, or turns it into a massive argument where I end up feeling guilty and apologising. I know it's cheesy, but I think we're made for each other and we' get along so well...but I don't know if she feels the same.

 

How can I talk to her about this? And how can I help myself improve my self esteem? This and other issues such as University has made me seriously contemplate just killing myself, but I realise how selfish that is and how I'd be lumping all my student debt with my family.

 

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed and confusing, but I really have a hard time making sense of this situation myself...

[jettison]

Ok, here is your main problem... "too serious". Everything is life or death. You're even talking about suicide in your post. With the weight of the world on your shoulders, and presumably on hers, how could you, or anyone for that matter, possibly enjoy sex? There's no chance.

 

You: "Honey, if we don't get this right, and I don't get you off tonight, I'm probably going to have to kill myself."

 

Her: "Ok sweetheart. I'm going to really try hard to enjoy this and please you because if I don't I know it will mean letting down the man I love, and potentially, causing the end of his life. Ok, let's get to it!"

 

You many not be verbalizing it that way, but dollars to your donuts that your facial expressions, body language, and lack of real communication is conveying that kind of message to her. And really, nothing is going to possibly make her feel less sexy in front of you.

 

Do you really want to fix your sex life? Go see a couples counselor, and see them yesterday. No chance in anyone's hell you two can fix this on your own, and as awesome as we may be, no interwebs guru from ENA can right your ship either.

 

Problem is, talking to her is nigh on impossible. She either totally blanks what I'm saying, or turns it into a massive argument where I end up feeling guilty and apologising. I know it's cheesy, but I think we're made for each other and we' get along so well...but I don't know if she feels the same.

 

 

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[Regina]

It was wrong from the beginning. You had to do it in a daylight. You mustn't tell her that you THINK her body is beautiful, you must tell and show her that her body IS beautiful. She has a complex. Some psychotherapy is needed for sure. If you will not stop this at early stage it will only progress in future. And it will affect you too. Or it is has already affected you.