"Protecting" your gf

[thathoopla]

Only when it becomes an issue of personal safety or if violence comes into it. If my partner can't hang with name calling and he or she's crying over that, they're probably not for me.

 

A person could be relatively strong but may be having a bad day or a moment of weakness.

[hexaemeron]

A person could be relatively strong but may be having a bad day or a moment of weakness.

 

Right, but we're not talking about that. You've given a specific scenario of a fight happening between a girl and misc.person.

 

Having a bad day and things that are not her fault... this is a different story entirely.

[generaldiscord]

I need a guy who will step in if someone gets physical with me. Not even necessarily my boyfriend, but I've gotten beaten up twice already in this godforsaken country, and I no longer go to any social events without a pretty forceful friend.

 

What I don't need is a pig brained pin head who thinks it's his moral obligation to censor everything before it reaches my cashmere eardrums. I prefer spirited debates in conversations, and I like the ability to speak my mind, and also to know that my opponent is speaking his mind. I need whoever I'm dating to respect that speech is free and that the point of conversation is to exchange opinions. It has happened that a boyfriend would always take my side or try to control conversation without adding anything, they were generally ex'ed pretty soon, along with the over-eager musclemen.

 

Also, a small addendum, I never go out looking for a physical fight. I'm not weak, but I can't really hold my own for very long, and the worst thing in the world is explaining away a bloody lip or a torn ear or a black eye the next day. It's so embarrassing. It goes without saying that my guy friends are supposed to PREVENT or END fights, not start them.

[getbiii]

Only when it becomes an issue of personal safety or if violence comes into it. If my partner can't hang with name calling and he or she's crying over that, they're probably not for me.

 

lol

 

 

 

emotional abuse can be as threating as physical.

 

 

so if someone in college was constantly bugging her, calling her a W****, saying shes fat, telling her to just die.

and she cried,

you would leave them?

[hexaemeron]

lol

 

 

 

emotional abuse can be as threating as physical.

 

 

so if someone in college was constantly bugging her, calling her a W****, saying shes fat, telling her to just die.

and she cried,

you would leave them?

 

Yeah, probably. If you can't handle one loudmouth, then I am fairly confident that person cannot stand independently and if you can't be an independent person, you have no business being with me.

[FarthestEdge]

OP

 

Context matters. You can't just give a generic scenario and ask people what they'd do EVERY TIME. It depends on a lot of thing...personal safety for one.

 

Your defensive reaction suggests to me that you are not just 'making it up' but rather something has happened and you're upset about it. If you want to talk about that, fine, out with it. but I don't see why you are getting all nasty with people who are basically saying "she made her bed, she can lie in it" when you've only provided crumbs of information.

 

There are an infinite number of situations and variable that could change the answers, but you aren't looking for that. You want an absolute YES or NO to your question, and the NO's get met with sarcasm (i.e. "nice" to Hex). There are no absolutes.

 

That said, as a woman, if DH or any other man jumped in to cover my a$$ after I shot my mouth off, I'd soon be shooting my mouth off to HIM. I am a grown woman, and if I'm not ready to deal with the outcomes of my choices, then maybe I deserve the fallout- might make me think before I act next time. Not to mention the fact that needing my bf/husband to 'defend' me just makes me look weak.

 

DH knows I can handle myself. He is close by if my physical safety were to be threatened, but otherwise, I'm on my own...and I'd have it no other way.

 

But really, what's the point in asking for opinions if you've already decided there's only ONE right answer for you?

[thathoopla]

lol

 

 

 

emotional abuse can be as threating as physical.

 

 

so if someone in college was constantly bugging her, calling her a W****, saying shes fat, telling her to just die.

and she cried,

you would leave them?

 

That's true. People who were otherwise strong, may become weakened by abuse. They might not act like themselves. And with one more person leaving them...that will add to their lack of confidence.

[thathoopla]

Dw, nothing has happened.

 

Yes I want a "yes" or "no" or some kind of answer that would just show ACTION.

 

I'm seeking how other men would react. I already know my own answer, it's in the OP.

[getbiii]

yup like i said its a vast question with infinite answers,

 

but i guess i can give an answer to get a general idea of where i stand in this =)

 

i wouldn't be a shield for a machinegun as eventually i would get shot too,

but i guess duee to what i understand from the question,

its that someone else is attacking my girl.

or there is some kind of threat against her.

which is when i would be by her side.

 

i don't think someone being hurt because they were called a name means they aren't independent. after all, as humans we are all co-dependant on some level.

but i do think that it can mean being too dependant, too "needy".

 

 

 

and i agree, people agreeing with you all the time is just really awfull in a relationship!

after all we look for lovers, not slaves =P

i guess it kinda proves that we want what we can't have, and that we also like a little drama and action.

if life was perfect and we had what we wanted im sure we would get bored of it.

[hexaemeron]

I'm just a snowflake. I'm not codependent at all, probably to my detriment in relationships because yeah, apparently, most people are. I just find it irritating.

[Undyinglova]

to be honest, if it was my gf's fault, I would try to calm down the entire situation. Someone mentioned "Lets be adults here". Thats what I'd do. If its the other person's fault and its my gf, then I'd go to town.

 

But, you have to realize that there's a limit to everything. The way you appear to be is that you're trying to test your bf to see whether he loves you or not, whether he'll be "there" for you regardless of whether you're right or wrong. Whether he'll be supportive of you or not, no matter what the situation. I personally disapprove of women who try to diverge from a particular situation (who's fault it is) to "how much does he care about me". Occassionally it may happen, and it may be fine. But it appears that you seem to care about it too much. Any person who cares about it like so, I would just leave and let her cry. Of course, I wouldnt be dating such a person in the first place.

 

And your replies to other posters are kinda condescending, just like my reply is minorly condescending to you. If you are looking for opinions, do it like a survey, not say stuff like "Cool, good man", "Thats nice", that sorta stuff. That just comes off being passive aggressive. Just a thought, which I am minorly certain will be ignored, but there it is anyways.

 

Basically, I dont approve of people who constantly make mistakes and feed off comfort from ppl saying that they were right. They just want to live an illusion. While illusions are fun, it is extremely energy-draining on the partner and insanely annoying. If it happens rarely, thats fine... but if it becomes of question of "Does he love me or not" and "You must comfort me, otherwise I should find someone who'll feed me their attention", then you're better off leaving the man and making his life easier.

[thathoopla]

I think that's getting a bit extreme. Taking one situation and applying it as an indicator of a person's entire personality or intentions. It's just simply: what would you do.

[Undyinglova]

I think that's getting a bit extreme. Taking one situation and applying it as an indicator of a person's entire personality or intentions. It's just simply: what would you do.

 

yeah i am a very extreme person. It is also a very personal opinion: I based this opinion on what I thought of your situation. You may, by all means be a different person, and this may by all means be a situation you cooked up. So it shouldnt really matter.

 

Btw, another reason I am this opiniated about this situation is because you are just hypothesizing and omitting a more realistic background to the situation. What you're essentially doing is asking for black and white, and in my view this area has a HUGE grey portion to it. So yeah, basically I just innately dislike people who are so black and white when it comes to situations that I view as very grey. Hence my extremism =).

 

And also you are asking otheres to give a black and white opinion. I guess the best way to deal with it for them is to not just answer your question and ignore this topic. But it appears that you've forced someone to say "Yeah, I would leave her to cry". But as I saw it, it was very manipulative of you to basically get them to say that. Hmm... I guess I also dislike manipulative people. Not you, just manipulative people.

[glucoze]

It depends on the situation.

This is the way I see it when it comes to the telling someone to "F off" part.

 

A:

If I was walking with my boyfriend or we were on a train or in his car driving. We park up into a parking lot about to go to dinner, when a bunch of guys in a car pulls up next to us. They start harassing me, calling me names to get my attention like "ey girl, how are you sexy?" "hey! why aren't you talking to me.. you look damn sexy... love those legs and that body woahhh.. you got a pretty face too" If i tell the guy to leave me alone and he still bothers me even if my boyfriend and I walk out of the car and into the restaurant.. and those guys are following me thats when I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO SAY 'F OFF.." and a whole bunch of things I am normally able to say that is very very offensive LOL. (I have a terrible potty mouth.... dont mess with me Kidding.

But yes my boyfriend WILL step in, and probably clock the guy out.

No joke.

[FathomFear]

It depends on the situation.

 

It definitely does.

 

If I watched my partner grab a hammer and then whack himself in the foot and then proceed to cry, I would probably make sure he was okay but then quickly switch to " were you doing?" mode. On the other hand, if I watched him get assaulted with a hammer by someone else my reaction would be completely differnet.

[pinkelephant]

I just read the thread upto page 5. I got too annoyed. Everyone gives a perfectly "rational" answer, for the most part. I don't disagree.. but emotions sometimes aren't quite rational. Even if I were wrong, I'd still expect my partner to be *SENSITIVE* about it. If he were all "well, it's your fault, you can sit there and cry all by yourself". I'd be really mad at him. I'd expect him to be, "well it is your fault.." but still try and cheer me up. I'd appreciate it. That's what I do with my friends.

 

 

But I'd expect that he knows I'm not an a-hole who cries for "manipulation".

[generaldiscord]

I just read the thread upto page 5. I got too annoyed. Everyone gives a perfectly "rational" answer, for the most part. I don't disagree.. but emotions sometimes aren't quite rational. Even if I were wrong, I'd still expect my partner to be *SENSITIVE* about it. If he were all "well, it's your fault, you can sit there and cry all by yourself". I'd be really mad at him. I'd expect him to be, "well it is your fault.." but still try and cheer me up. I'd appreciate it. That's what I do with my friends.

 

 

But I'd expect that he knows I'm not an a-hole who cries for "manipulation".

 

How often does it happen that you say things you immediately regret and then get so upset about it that you require comforting?

 

I mean, I agree, a boyfriend should definitely be sensitive, but I think there's a middle ground. He should be able to give an opinion without being one of the 'enemy'. He shouldn't be responsible for wiping my tears every time I get burned in a verbal argument.

[absinthe]

I expect my husband to back me up no matter what and he does. I also back him up no matter what.

 

We were at a restaurant where the waitress was practically giving him a verbal blow job while being rude to me. And I wasn't rude to her. He told her to cut the crap and effectively shut down any confrontation between herself and myself, since he found her actions distasteful and could see I was displeased.

 

I would do the same thing for him, if it happened.

 

The two of you are a couple who should be standing together. If you told someone to "f-off" and there was good reason to, he should be watching your back and ensuring that the situation was de-escalated. Afterwards if it was 100% your fault, he should be taking you to task for it, not as the paternal partner but as a partner who has a say in any joint actions.

[pinkelephant]

How often does it happen that you say things you immediately regret and then get so upset about it that you require comforting?

 

I mean, I agree, a boyfriend should definitely be sensitive, but I think there's a middle ground. He should be able to give an opinion without being one of the 'enemy'. He shouldn't be responsible for wiping my tears every time I get burned in a verbal argument.

 

Not that often, but it does happen from time to time. Especially at work, since I work in customer service and you wouldn't believe the kind of verbal abuse we have to deal with. Sometimes, we let things slip because we're in a bad mood.

 

He should be able to be sensitive, which equates to him saying telling me I'm wrong without being judgmental aka the "enemy".

[lavenderdove]

Darlin', you're not a baby and he's not your Daddy!

 

And frankly, if you're an adult, telling people to f' off is really immature to begin with... and if you angered someone by being that rude to them, then you need to take the consequences for your own behavior rather than expecting your boyfriend to 'punish' the person that YOU were rude to...

[thathoopla]

Darlin', you're not a baby and he's not your Daddy!

 

And frankly, if you're an adult, telling people to f' off is really immature to begin with... and if you angered someone by being that rude to them, then you need to take the consequences for your own behavior rather than expecting your boyfriend to 'punish' the person that YOU were rude to...

 

Lol what? When did I say I expect my bf to punish the other person, or even TALK to the other person?

[lavenderdove]

>>I wouldn't want the guy to just jump in but if I show I'm upset I'd want him to get somewhat protective otherwise I'd feel like he doesn't care ...

 

^^

This says you DO expect him to do something... what do you mean by 'protective' if you don't expect him to 'do' something about it? And protect you from what? You told someone to f' off, and of course that person is going to be angered by that... you can't expect him to respond with sympathy when you do rude things that bring about bad consquences... you need to learn from it and not do it again.

[thathoopla]

>>I wouldn't want the guy to just jump in but if I show I'm upset I'd want him to get somewhat protective otherwise I'd feel like he doesn't care ...

 

^^

This says you DO expect him to do something... what do you mean by 'protective' if you don't expect him to 'do' something about it? And protect you from what? You told someone to f' off, and of course that person is going to be angered by that... you can't expect him to respond with sympathy when you do rude things that bring about bad consquences... you need to learn from it and not do it again.

 

Right. And I did say

 

Imo I'd like to at least be spoken to nicely by my bf even if I also did something wrong. I don't know how he'd be able to watch me cry. I wouldn't want the guy to just jump in but if I show I'm upset I'd want him to get somewhat protective otherwise I'd feel like he doesn't care

 

Nothing about him talking to the other person or punishing them. My point was that I'd want to be spoken to nicely if I was crying.

[lavenderdove]

Ideally, he should speak to you nicely no matter what, as any partner should strive for that...

 

But i think what people are trying to say is that if you behave badly (telling other people to f-- off), don't expect him to be particular sympathetic to your tears, since you brought the trouble on yourself.

 

It's sort of like if a kid punched another kid and got punched back, then ran crying to mama... if it were my kid, i wouldn't be sympathetic to the tears and would tell them, sorry you got punched, but you brought it on yourself so don't do it again or expect me to feel sorry for you now.

[thathoopla]

Ideally, he should speak to you nicely no matter what, as any partner should strive for that...

 

But i think what people are trying to say is that if you behave badly (telling other people to f-- off), don't expect him to be particular sympathetic to your tears, since you brought the trouble on yourself.

 

It's sort of like if a kid punched another kid and got punched back, then ran crying to mama... if it were my kid, i wouldn't be sympathetic to the tears and would tell them, sorry you got punched, but you brought it on yourself so don't do it again or expect me to feel sorry for you now.

Like I said earlier. The f-off wouldn't come out of nowhere. The other person would have done something, then the girl would say f-off (which I agree isn't very nice but it's not psychotic either) after which the other person would say some very hurtful things resulting in the girl crying.

 

If some kid was teasing my kid, then my kid punched him in the stomach out of frustration, after which the other kid said some really bad things to my kid so that he ended up crying...I'd tell my kid it wasn't right to punch the other kid but I would still hug my kid and tell him not to let those bully's words get to him.