Need some feedback from woman RE a recent date

[maddyfaye]

Hello,

 

I met a gal at a singles meetup picknick who has 3 kids that live with their dad 2 hours away. We discovered that we had a lot in common and especially our love for karaoke. ( I have a daughter who lives with my ex in the same city as her kids) We had a great time a week ago friday singing karaoke and even a duet where we were smiling at each other and we took turn buying the round of beers. She gave me a big hug at the end of the night and she mentioned that she told a friend about me. We went out for karaoke again on wed but met for at a burrito place first. ( she is over weight and I am fit but I like her personality and told her on the first date that I think she is super cool and asked what would make her happy?)

 

At the burrito place while we were sitting outside she brought up a couple of recent guys she was dating. She mentioned that one guy she was seeing for 9 months never wanted to go out ( would never go dancing) and do anything beyong making dinner at his place and hanging out there. I then asked would a smart, very interesting guy who likes to dance be appealing to you? It would to anyone and I said just asking ( meaning I am that guy). I said can we change the subject ( as I was feeling I am now in the friend zone as if she is out of my league. I would gues that I am a 7 and she is a 6) Later during the second date I wrote a note on a napkin and gave it to her as I sang a song. It said it seemed I got friend zoned earlier and that's cool. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable and I am always up for a new cool friend. She wrote back with a smile and reminded me 10 minutes later that she wrote a response. It said I thought we started our in the friend zone. ( I thought it was going to say I dig you or something) I ended the date soon after and put my hand out to shake her hand and she gave a hug instead.

 

My question is how on earth was our first evening not considered a date in her mind?

[rosephase]

Maybe because it was never called a "date". Maybe because in her mind you are the 6 and she is a 7. Maybe it's because you write notes to avoid even basic questions?

 

Whatever the reason is she isn't interested in you. I would recommend that if you want to have a date with someone you ask them out on a date. And if they ask you to "hang out" or "go out" and you don't know if is a date or not just ask. It's simple and it keeps things clear.

[maddyfaye]

Maybe because it was never called a "date". Maybe because in her mind you are the 6 and she is a 7. Maybe it's because you write notes to avoid even basic questions?

 

Whatever the reason is she isn't interested in you. I would recommend that if you want to have a date with someone you ask them out on a date. And if they ask you to "hang out" or "go out" and you don't know if is a date or not just ask. It's simple and it keeps things clear.

 

I can agree with the note but the fact is that women that have ever used an online dating service like she did think they are way better than they are. When wanna be players bombard the ave gal ( 300 x a week) it gets to their head and that is a fact that most haven't figured out yet. Ok so everyone asks " is this a date?" I don't think so

[annie24]

i don't see where she 'friend-zoned' you. she might have just talked about exes on her date because she doesn't know you're not supposed to do that. i've had guys talk about their exes on a first date, then ask me out for a second. i don't see that she friendzoned you, from what you are telling us. i think she probably expects you to ask her out again.

[Baily]

If she's a 6 - she's got a ton of guys hitting on her...but it sounds like you have an 'in.' Why you are playing the friend card...IDK.

You have to act like you want her as a date rather than trying to start as friends....all women say they want friends first, but that's bull.

You either put out that vibe of sexual attraction or you don't. Sounds like you didn't.

 

Always know that single women can sleep with any guy they want so long as they are a 5 or above....they control ALL the cards...question is what do you have to offer her that the other guys can't.

[maddyfaye]

i don't see where she 'friend-zoned' you. she might have just talked about exes on her date because she doesn't know you're not supposed to do that. i've had guys talk about their exes on a first date, then ask me out for a second. i don't see that she friendzoned you, from what you are telling us. i think she probably expects you to ask her out again.

 

Thanks Baily and Annie,

 

I assumed by her reply as " I thought we started out in friendzone" that she somehow saw me as a friend. Baily you are definitely correct and i appreciate the reminder.

[rosephase]

I can agree with the note but the fact is that women that have ever used an online dating service like she did think they are way better than they are. When wanna be players bombard the ave gal ( 300 x a week) it gets to their head and that is a fact that most haven't figured out yet. Ok so everyone asks " is this a date?" I don't think so

 

If you really feel she she is average and positive attention is getting to her head why would you even want to date her? You've been using really negative language around her. It makes it sound like your really angry at her (which I know going out with someone and then finding out that they don't think it's a date is annoying but if it really upsets you you might want to look at that) or you really don't think she is good enough for you (if that is the case why try and date her in the first place?)

[maddyfaye]

If you really feel she she is average and positive attention is getting to her head why would you even want to date her? You've been using really negative language around her. It makes it sound like your really angry at her (which I know going out with someone and then finding out that they don't think it's a date is annoying but if it really upsets you you might want to look at that) or you really don't think she is good enough for you (if that is the case why try and date her in the first place?)

 

That is true , she isn't a prize and it isn't any big loss. Yes it it was irritating as I have a lot to offer. I thought she was cool and I am just in the mode of making people happy that I think are cool and that meet my minimum level of attraction. I know that sounds bad from most females POV as it's supposed to be about a relationship but life is too short and I would now rather live life, have fun and not play by outdated rules. Anyways I came here to learn and don't pretend I am a know it all or can't accept critisizm like so many guys wouldn't

[oldenoughtoknow]

It sounds like you never presented your first "meeting" as a date, and that's a kiss of death. Doing something together surrounding a common interest, like karaoke, is a great way to get a date...but you have to call it so. Then you never did anything to cement your intention at the end of your first meeting...SHE hugged YOU! If it were me, and I intended for the evening to be a date, I would have leaned my head back, looked into her eyes, and then slowly leaned back in for a kiss. THEN, your intentions would have been clear.

 

All women (yes, even 6's) want to be pursued. They want you to lead (is this a date...or does he just want to be friends?). It sounds like you wimped out a little on this one and you positioned yourself into the friend zone. There's not enough other info for me to say if she would have reciprocated the first kiss attempt. But you would have had your answer right there. You wouldn't have resorted to making jokes or passing notes to determine her interest. She's not going to just give that to you. You have to take a risk. That's why you are where you are with her.

[Puddincup]

Maybe you could just tell her you like her and would like to date her. Worse that could happen is that she says no thanks and you two become friends or go your separate ways. The only thing you would lose would be some of your pride but if you can tolerate that, then it is the best approach. If she is a bigger girl, then she might have just assumed that you wanted to be just friends. Just because someone acts a certain way doesn't mean that is how they actually feel. We all assume that we can read the signals but we rarely check in with the other person to make sure that is in fact how they feel. I am guilty of this myself.

[maddyfaye]

I thank you all so much for the kind advice. Yes I whimped out and didn't want any rejection right then. Really it's that I am tired of dissapointment more than rejection. I am a confident guy and have learned that in the past when I was more of a bad boy who didn't care it created attraction. I still have the side to me who would never ever want to be viewed as a pervert. I don't know why but I need to lose that phobia.