How am I going to get through this?

[Anotherday]

This is complicated. My Dad has had Alzheimers for many years and is now in hospice. My mother has narcissistic traits and I have lived my entire life appeasing her so as not to upset her. I have had a very difficult life yet have never been able to really look to my family for any kind of emotional support. I always have to tell my mother I am "fine" so as not to upset her. These days I am far from fine. I had my own version of a nervous breakdown in November and have been trying to recover. I never told her of this. I had been doing better but when I found out my dad went into hospice, well, I haven't been doing well at all. Yet I say I am doing fine. I have to be strong for her.

 

In February I wrote my brother, with whom I hardly communicate an email to let him know things were not going well. It was my way of saying, "hey, don't be surprised if I turn up dead" without actually having to say it. He was nice enough about it but months later and with no further word, it's evident he doesn't really care one way or the other. So I really wish I hadn't told him of my troubles now.

 

Anyway, yesterday I was so out of sorts I was not sure I will even be able to make the trip back for the funeral, yet I have no choice. The burden of protecting my mother, at all costs, is really taking a toll on me. I'm angry, I'm sad, and I am crying all the time. I never really knew my father yet I am still so sad. My mother is really starting to tick me off. How can I get through this in one piece and just do what needs to be done? Now is not the time for me to start rocking any boats. I just need to get through it and come out alive on the other end so maybe, finally, I can live my own life. Thanks for any thoughts.

[Hermes]

Anotherday:

 

Have a look here:

 

link removed

 

Nice site, with kindly articles.

 

H

[Eclipse11]

Hey Anotherday...I just had to say, my mum is exactly the same, I always have to say I'm fine or she feels angry or upset and starts to act out...

Even at school when my brother was badly bullied one day, she got angry, saying, doesn't he realise how hard it is for her!

She is a bit better now though since she is happier in her life...

Now is not the time to rock the boat...vow to do it later if you need to, after you have got everything done or you'll end up feeling worse, speaking from experience

 

Eclipse x

[Anotherday]

Thank you Hermes for the site.

 

Eclipse11, there will never be a time to rock the boat. I know that. I just have to find a way to get through this without losing my mind and not ending up in the hospital myself.

 

For example, this morning I spoke with her. Something has simple as my neice paying her a visit with my neice's kids is enough to get her to literally start shaking. Then she refuses to just tell my neice not to come over with the kids. Instead, when I tell her to just set some boundaries she tells me SHE CANNOT TAKE IT and I AM MAKING THINGS WORSE! Something as simple as this! Things are just going to continue to get worse. Of course, I back down then and just don't say anything except that I am fine. And this could go on for months. And I am realizing just how angry I am with her that I've had to deal with appeasing her my entire life.

 

Then I think about the funeral and how she'll be after the funeral and then her death and then the estrangement from my siblings and by the time all of this is over - I am in an early grave never having lived!

 

As you can see, I am finding this to be highly upsetting. One good thing is I live 1800 miles from the situation, which is no accident.

[Eclipse11]

Hi Anotherday...sorry you are going through all of this - however at least you have this place to vent and also, at least you are not physically stuck in the middle of it all which would be even worse...

It may not be as bad as you fear...you don't know how the future will be and you're picturing a ( pretty ghastly! ) future for yourself already...

Trust that things may get better for you, believe they will and try to stay calm...hope this helps a bit...

 

Eclipse x

[Anotherday]

Hi Anotherday...sorry you are going through all of this - however at least you have this place to vent and also, at least you are not physically stuck in the middle of it all which would be even worse...

It may not be as bad as you fear...you don't know how the future will be and you're picturing a ( pretty ghastly! ) future for yourself already...

Trust that things may get better for you, believe they will and try to stay calm...hope this helps a bit...

 

Eclipse x

 

Thanks, Eclipse. Part of the problem is that I have been diagnosed with depressive disorder (part of my meltdown) and can barely function just taking care of me these days. And I guess that when one is depressed one's thinking is rather ghastly. So I am starting off with an empty tank of gas in this whole affair while trying to fill hers up, so to speak.

 

When I wrote my brother that email in February I truly wasn't sure how much longer I was going to last myself and I didn't want it coming as a complete shock to my family in the event of my death.

 

In other words, I am not well-equipped to deal with all of this. And it's been so hard battling my own issues my entire life pretending like everything is fine when it just feels like everything is crashing down around me. I have no job, am living on savings, will be losing my health insurance, etc. Yet I have to keep up this strong front.

 

I am thinking I might start attending a hospice group here in town myself. It's ironic, but my mother doesn't want any outside help relying on her children (i.e. me) so I end up having to go for outside help myself! Ahhh!

 

But you're right. I am very glad ENA is here and that I am far removed from things. My one worry is that plane ride there and just being able to pull it off. I just cannot fathom seeing my father in a coffin! I had told my mother I wanted to see him one last time but, in her controlling way, she said no. And I don't have the energy to fight her on this one. This is all just so hard.